Hi! My wife has finally accepted her polyam existence and is dipping her toes into the dating pool. I am mono by choice but want to be able to support her. As neither of us has been in the dating scene in almost 2 decades, we are struggling to find people to date. Does anyone have any suggestions on dating apps etc? Also, how do we navigate the "are you sure your wife is cool with this" type of questions. We aren't dating as a couple so she is the only one out there but is very honest with the potential ladies that we are married and that I am aware and that they would just be dating her. Thanks in advance! Also, I am trying to not be over protective, but it is hard because she is my person and I don't want her to get hurt!!!
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- Thread starter MAPolyam
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Greetings MAPolyam,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
Feeld and OKCupid are the poly-friendly dating sites/apps that I know of. Try both. When someone asks if you're sure your wife is cool with it, you say "Yes" and shut down any further discussion about it. Life is too short to spend time on people who just want to throw you and poly under the bus. It sounds to me like you and your wife have a sweet relationship with each other, and are on the same page. Carry on!
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
Notes:
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Welcome aboard!
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
Feeld and OKCupid are the poly-friendly dating sites/apps that I know of. Try both. When someone asks if you're sure your wife is cool with it, you say "Yes" and shut down any further discussion about it. Life is too short to spend time on people who just want to throw you and poly under the bus. It sounds to me like you and your wife have a sweet relationship with each other, and are on the same page. Carry on!
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
Notes:
There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!
Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.
Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.
If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.
Welcome aboard!
Good for you for being so open-minded.
Oh, I am guessing that you two are both women, and married. Two wives, right?
Has she got a crush on anyone specific, or just heading onto the apps to see who's out there?
I think if your wife is using a dating app, she can state on her profile that she is married, but that it is an open relationship, and that her wife is "totally on board," or words to that effect. However, many/most people do not read profiles, sadly, or even take in that the person is in a couple when there are pix of the two of them together.
How your wife can "prove" to a new prospective dating partner varies. I was on the dating market for about a decade, and I wasn't married, but I have been in a committed FF polyamorous relationship for a long time. Most of the people I talked to or dated just trusted me that my partner and I were truly polyamorous. I guess, as we chatted, I came across as trustworthy enough. I'd also explain what polyamory is, if they were ignorant, so they got the concept, and knew something like this existed, was possible, was legit. I'd explain a bit why Pixi and I found it fulfilling, enjoyable, practical for us.
Please look at our Golden Nuggets section for books and articles on basic polyamory. You can absorb a lot more info there which should answer these kinds of questions.
Yes, you feel protective. You want her to be safe from rapists, accidents, pregnancy (if she's fertile/bi/dating men), STD risk (especially HIV/AIDS). The use of condoms (with men) is generally thought to be a necessity. So is asking to see a dating partner's most recent sex lab results, and to give them yours. I also have a rule to always have at least the first date in a public place. (There are a couple rare exceptions to this rule, like, if you've been chatting for months and have a really good feeling for and knowledge of the person, their integrity.)
But emotional hurt is pretty much a given. Dating can be rough. There is a lot of rejection, ghosting, dealing with people who are rude, dishonest, maybe have depression, anger issues, etc. Of course, it's worth it if you're motivated enough.
But you have to accept that she'll be hurt, and just be there for her when she is, as you would be for any other life issue she finds difficult (kids, job, extended family, sucky national political moves, etc.).