My wife (straight) and I (bi) are wanting to start a poly relationship with someone. My only concern is jealousy. We both can say with confidence that we can share without jealousy. But I feel when it comes to sex, that might be different. So my question for those who have been/are in a poly relationship, should we have sex with a third as an experiment first to see if there would be any jealousy?
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RosesAreRainbow
Member
The jealousy comes more from, I think, shared affection and love more than sex. If you both agree that sex with another is okay, that part is easy. The time, attention, love, and new relationship energy are all possible areas of jealousy. These need to be talked about openly in the beginning, and as you go along.
I personally have not found it satisfying to have a threesome. Tried it once, it was awkward. But some people are into it. I find it more satisfying to focus on each person 100% during sex. They deserve that. So, I have a husband and I have a partner. What happens in the bedroom with each of them is private, and never talked about with the other person. That is our agreement, other couples may have other agreements.
I personally have not found it satisfying to have a threesome. Tried it once, it was awkward. But some people are into it. I find it more satisfying to focus on each person 100% during sex. They deserve that. So, I have a husband and I have a partner. What happens in the bedroom with each of them is private, and never talked about with the other person. That is our agreement, other couples may have other agreements.
Hello brianb81,
I think having sex with a third to see if there would be any jealousy is one valid approach. You should also prepare yourself to manage jealousy if it arises; here are some links that could help:
Kevin T.
I think having sex with a third to see if there would be any jealousy is one valid approach. You should also prepare yourself to manage jealousy if it arises; here are some links that could help:
- What If I Get Jealous?
- Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
- "First Aid" for Jealousy
- Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
- Understanding jealousy
- How do you achieve compersion?
- Jealousy and Insecurity
- The Theory of Jealousy Management
- The Practice of Jealousy Management
- Teal Swan: Jealousy and Envy
- Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability
Kevin T.
SEASONEDpolyAgain
Well-known member
No, because it doesn't actually test if you're suited to polyamory.
I agree that sex really isn't the part of that spurs the most jealousy. Ongoing sex with someone tends to lead to emotional bonding, which is the real point on polyamory (Amory) and this is what feels more threatening to most people. Sure, with sex there's the issues of body positivity, but it's the rest that causes issues that need the most work. Fear of abandonment. Fear of loss. Fear is displacement. Having a threesome once isn't going to tell you about all the feels be the most challenging part.
Polyamory is more about relinquishing ownership (as society has created) over your previously monogamous partner. Fostering physical and emotional autonomy, and eventually monetary and even familial codependence.
One triad I admire started as a married couple. Opening up was hard for them but now the kids call both mothers "mum".
Can you share your life that much? Can you have your kids - if you have any - see another partner as a parent too. Can you go to parent -teacher interviews with three parents, or have the other same gendered adult go in your place because you are working/sick/out of town for any reason?can you be open with your families? These aren't essential, but can make for good considerations long term. Especially if you're all pretty young.
Polyamory is more about relinquishing ownership (as society has created) over your previously monogamous partner. Fostering physical and emotional autonomy, and eventually monetary and even familial codependence.
One triad I admire started as a married couple. Opening up was hard for them but now the kids call both mothers "mum".
Can you share your life that much? Can you have your kids - if you have any - see another partner as a parent too. Can you go to parent -teacher interviews with three parents, or have the other same gendered adult go in your place because you are working/sick/out of town for any reason?can you be open with your families? These aren't essential, but can make for good considerations long term. Especially if you're all pretty young.
Having sex, as a couple, with another single person, say, in a swinging sense, is one hurdle. Even that can cause uncomfortable feelings, if not during the actual sex, then a day or two later.
But we have swingers come here all the time who have managed to have other sex partners for years, and remain basically anonymous, or just friends, sharing bodies only, maybe a few shallow friendships, just to finally seem to fall in love with someone. Then they are thrown for a major loop, lose their shit, everything goes awry and they need help.
That said, polyamorists hardly ever have group sex (3 or more). (You can be poly and a swinger, but they are 2 distinct practices.) Successful triads, where everyone loves and desires each one equally, are extremely rare. Most poly people date as individuals. If you've been coupled for a long time, with your partner, or mono in general your whole life, you will need to develop an amount of independence from each other, and learn to respect the privacy of each, plus the privacy of the prospective dating partners. That is the key. It's not easy for most people.
Reading a really good book about polyamory can help. I highly recommend Opening Up, which also covers swinging.
But we have swingers come here all the time who have managed to have other sex partners for years, and remain basically anonymous, or just friends, sharing bodies only, maybe a few shallow friendships, just to finally seem to fall in love with someone. Then they are thrown for a major loop, lose their shit, everything goes awry and they need help.
That said, polyamorists hardly ever have group sex (3 or more). (You can be poly and a swinger, but they are 2 distinct practices.) Successful triads, where everyone loves and desires each one equally, are extremely rare. Most poly people date as individuals. If you've been coupled for a long time, with your partner, or mono in general your whole life, you will need to develop an amount of independence from each other, and learn to respect the privacy of each, plus the privacy of the prospective dating partners. That is the key. It's not easy for most people.
Reading a really good book about polyamory can help. I highly recommend Opening Up, which also covers swinging.