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rizty

rizty

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Hello there! Me and my boyfriend have been together for a little over a year. A few months into our relationship we talked about wanting to have an open relationship. We made the decision last winter to try a threesome, which was my first experience with a woman period and it went terribly to be honest lol Since this experience was bad for us we didn't revisit the idea of what we really wanted from our relationship until recently. We both just joined an online dating website to see if we could find anyone we were interested in. I guess the main focus of this for us right now is to find someone or a couple to bring into our relationship. My concern for myself is getting jealous of any relationships he may develop. The person we included in the threesome was someone he had been friends with for years and I had known her for about a year. I really can't hang out with her anymore because it's just to weird for me. I don't know how to go about this now that we are trying to do something similar again. I really want to have a relationship where we are able to have both sexual and non sexual relationships with other people but I don't know how to squash the jealousy. I've honestly never been a jealous person and I don't much like myself when I get like this!
 
Greetings rizty,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Jealousy is an emotional reflex, it is neither inherently good nor bad. Sometimes it happens for a good reason, other times it is rather irrational. Here is a list of links you can check out to give you more food for thought on the subject:

Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.

How To Contain The Green Monster
Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

What is it that causes you to feel jealous? a fear of some kind? a need that isn't being met? something else?

Talking about it will help you get to the bottom of it.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
I think the jealousy comes from feeling like he's going to care about me less or something along those lines if he's with someone else. I don't have the best self esteem and confidence to begin with so I'm afraid someone better is going to come into his life and there won't be a need for me anymore.
 
quagmire

Hi Ritzy,

Welcome!

It sounds like you and your bf are jumping back on the horse after having an experience...that's great! Since fear isn't stopping you (that's awesome) you can tackle jealousy as well.

Jealousy was something i had a big problem with in the first year or so of being with Boo-cake. I had always been fine with Boo-Muffin (his wife) but i struggled when he would talk about or go out to see other girls....and to be honest it almost tore us apart.

One day I came to some realizations that helped me tremendously....I had to say to myself "I am in control of my emotions." I certainly didn't want them to get in the way of my relationship. I I also realized that I can't control who Boo-Cake wants to talk about or talk to, just as he can't with me. And just because he finds another girl attractive does not change his feelings or attraction to me, in any way.

As soon as I came to grips with these things, we could all breathe a little easier. I think jealousy is something that can be overcome with trust and security in your partners, trust and security within yourself...and remembering that poly is about being in it for the long haul.
 
We talked at length about how we wanted to do this again and how we wanted to go about it to make us both feel comfortable. For weeks we've been discussing it, and his seasonal depression has set in. He's suddenly got cold feet and doesn't want me seeing anyone. I'm kind of upset about it. I've been getting to know someone and now that we've decided to see each other in person bf is suddenly the one having problems. I understand it's at least in part because he's depressed right now, but I feel like he's trying to make me feel guilty or something about something we already talked about and he said he was ok with. I guess he's going through what I went through when he'd been with someone the first time. Does everyone go through this to some degree when they first start letting others into their relationship?
 
It's certainly not uncommon. Having said that, I hope your boyfriend will keep his word and work through the jealousy and insecurity. It's one thing to feel a certain way, it's another thing to act on a feeling in a negative way that screws up something good.

I suppose you can let things slide for now and hope this is just a phase your boyfriend is going through.

Re:
"He's suddenly got cold feet and doesn't want me seeing anyone."
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What does he mean by that? that he's struggling, or that he is commanding you not to see anyone?

If he's issuing a command, then you need to decide if you can live with being controlled by him in that way. If he just means that he's struggling, then maybe he'd just as soon work through it rather than try to control you.
 
He asked me not to see the guy I've been talking to the other day. I told him I didn't really think that was fair because I've worked through stuff for him when he wanted to do the threesome and then he remained seeing that person for a little while. He said he knew it was selfish but he didn't want me to. He later changed his mind and told me to go ahead and see him, and then was upset about it the next day. So now I kind of feel bad about it. I like the guy. I don't want to have to stop hanging out with him.
 
Re:
"He said he knew it was selfish but he didn't want me to. He later changed his mind and told me to go ahead and see him, and then was upset about it the next day."
Click to expand...

By "upset," do you mean that he said you shouldn't have taken up on his permission to go ahead and see the guy? or does "upset" just mean that he was struggling with his own emotions? cause anyone can have emotional struggles without issuing orders others have to follow.

He was on the right track when he told you to go ahead and see the guy. I hope he realizes that -- mentally at least if not emotionally.
 
I think it's a combination of things. He hasn't said, but I think he sort of wishes that I'd just decided to not see him because he had said earlier that day he didn't want me to. I think he's just emotionally upset because I'd be very obviously excited about meeting this guy. I think another aspect of it is that we're both very sexual people. I hope it doesn't make me look bad when I say I'm perfectly ok with having sex with someone on the first date. He was ok with us being friends but didn't want me to have sex with him. I understand where he's coming from, but from my point of view I literally watched him have sex with someone when we had our threesome. That was part of it that just ruined it. I didn't think I'd be so bothered seeing it and I really was. And then he carried on that sexual relationship. So I guess I'm getting a little frustrated that he only seems ok with the sexual aspect of things if it involves him. If he's allowed to have that on his own time, I feel like it shouldn't be a problem for me either. Then on top of that I like this new guy for more than just sex, he's a really nice person and we had a lot of fun hanging out together. I don't want to upset my boyfriend, but I want to carry things on with this new guy. Am I the one in the wrong?
 
rizty said:
... Am I the one in the wrong?
Click to expand...

People feel what they feel. The feelings are not wrong...they just are.

If you (both the singular and the plural "you") decide to go the poly route then it is up to you/you to decide how to navigate it. Not all feelings are fun..but "what is good for the goose is good for the gander"...
 
Well both of you want to date other people (and are very sexual about it), yet neither of you wants the other to date other people. Both of you need to realize that whatever you want to do, you have to be willing to let the other person do it too.

This doesn't mean you can push some magic button to make the icky feelings go away, but it does mean you each own your own feelings as something to work through independently, not expecting the other person to smooth things over for you so you don't have to work through the feelings.

In my opinion you should be able to continue to see this new guy, but of course I am not your boyfriend and it's your boyfriend you need to work out an agreement with. Proving to him that he's "the one in the wrong" will only tempt him to dig his heels in even deeper. The two of you need to figure out how to work together as a team.
 
I'm not wanting to prove he's wrong in any way. Just wondering if I'm the one in the wrong for wanting to push forward with this new guy when it's obviously upsetting my boyfriend. I have plans to see him again this weekend. Just lunch and then a haunted house. I don't know how to bring it up with my boyfriend. It's an innocent meeting and I don't plan on anything happening this time around. I don't want him to get mad or be upset that I still plan on getting together with him again. They are both actually very much alike. I wish I could get them comfortable with the idea of meeting each other. I think that would maybe even help my boyfriend feel better. They'd get along great.
 
I think that jealousy is going to be something you'll have to deal with for awhile. And with jealousy comes owie feelings. Running away from those feelings doesn't fix the problem, you have to sit down and analyze where the feelings are coming from.

It is nice of you to want to protect your boyfriend from any owie feelings, but it may not be the best thing for him in the long run. Sitting down and working through the feelings may be beneficial for him. It may even be necessary for him if he wants to live a poly life with you.

And that's why I think you should go ahead and keep seeing the new guy. Break the news as gently as you can, but let your boyfriend own his own feelings and work them out on his own. If there are particular, reasonable, needs of his that you could help him with, you could do that. But you and your boyfriend both want an open relationship. That means seeing other people.
 
rizty said:
I think the jealousy comes from feeling like he's going to care about me less or something along those lines if he's with someone else. I don't have the best self esteem and confidence to begin with so I'm afraid someone better is going to come into his life and there won't be a need for me anymore.
Click to expand...

Wekl he's definitely going to care for someone ese if he's interested i n an emotional connection m if you cared for someone else would you feel like you didn't need your partner anymore?

I suggest taking baby steps. Have firm boundaries and as time goes on you guys can always reassess what works, what doesn't and what boundaries you're willing to push. For instance are you guys both ok with other partners in your home? In your bed? When going on dates is paying for both dates in the budget or do you need to go Dutch? What about gifts? Sleepovers? Trips? Going comdom free? Children with other partners? What about texting, pjone calls etcl, when is appropriate to do these things? What about establishing a schedule, days that are set aside for just the two of you and days that can be spent with others.
All these things need to be discussed before hand. Also I would suggest reading about NRE (new relationship energy) and how to deal with it. Even seasoned poly folks can get swept away in the intense emotional rollercoaster.

Having firm boundaries in place before hand that you both agreed to is very important to be certain that there is no confusion later. This can also avoid conflicts down the line. Know that feeling jealous is completely normal and usually a product of fear. Its ok to feel that way but you need to learn to communicate feats and needs in a productive manner. Also realize that once someone is involved with you or him they are a person, with feelings, who is a relationship with one of you. Just because someone gets jealous down the road doesn't mean that person is just going to magically disappear.
 
I don't know what to think of how things are going at the moment. Me and my boyfriend have been talking, and now he's saying he doesn't know if he wants this for either of us. It's aggravating me greatly that he was ok with the idea of both of us being with other people, until I actually had someone else. Now he's saying he doesn't want to be with anyone else either unless it involves me (so just involving sex). I've been trying to assure him that me wanting to spend time with someone else doesn't mean I like being with him any less or anything like that. Right now he said he's not willing to budge on how he feels. He's ok with me being friends with this guy and hanging out with him, but he wants it to be nothing more than that. I don't think I can do that, especially with how things have been going. I like him. I'm attracted to him. I can't just pretend like I'm not and that we aren't already involved with each other. I love my boyfriend. We've been together for a little over a year and a half. I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to not be with him, but I don't know how to deal with the situation at hand. I've even been trying to be more open minded to people I was previously not ok with him being with and told him he should go for it if he wants to. He said he's not interested. I don't know if maybe this is stemming from him being depressed right now. Lately he's been much more needy (which I'm fine with) and being very "I only want you" "I love you so much" and things of that nature. I don't know if right now in his head he just thinks that's all going to magically go away if either of us get involved with someone else.
 
He's depressed? Is he taking meds? getting therapy?
 
He is unfortunately pretty unwilling to do therapy or take meds. He's tried in the past and says they didn't help him. I'm trying to get him to try at least going to therapy again.
 
Yeah, keep trying to encourage him.

As far as meds go, believe me I know what you mean. I spent years (more like decades) trying one med after another (and various combinations and dosages). Gave up on it more than once too.

I finally seem to have found a winner in Zyprexa. It has its drawbacks, but seems to be the one med that keeps me calm and level most of the time. The thing about meds is that you can't identify one miracle med that will save everyone. Quite the contrary. Every human specimen is unique, and as such, has a unique brain/body chemistry. The best med for one person is emphatically not the best med for another person. It takes a lot of trial and error to arrive at the right combination. And keep in mind, they're always working on discovering new meds. So even if one has tried everything that's existed so far ...

On the other hand, therapy has had mediocre benefits for me at best over the years. I seem to be more the type who needs medication to stay afloat. Others need therapy to stay afloat. Most need both but there are always exceptions.

What'd be extra awesome is a poly-friendly therapist who could help him with his jealousy issues as well as his depression issues. But, one miracle at a time I suppose.

I'm pulling for you (both of you).
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm hoping since it's been so long since he's tried anything I will be able to get him to see that there may be other options now. It will take time but I think with some convincing from his friends, who know I've been worried about him, we can talk him into at least giving it a shot. It takes a toll on you trying to be there 24/7 for someone who needs constant extra attention. I'm more than willing to give it but it's taxing after awhile especially when I have my own worries. I'd really like him to try to seek outside help because I can't do it all and I can't make depression better, I can only be there.

I think once he's more of his usual self he'll be more agreeable with what I'm wanting again. I don't know what to do until then though. That could be months away. I don't know what to do with my new guy now. We were planning a camping trip. I know that I can go planning to not be sexually involved, but sleeping together out in the middle of nowhere for a weekend...I don't want to say I can't control myself but I don't want to give myself that option either. I was really looking forward to it because I love camping but my boyfriend can't be outside for days at a time because of bad allergies.
 
Sounds like you'll have to give up that camping trip. Sorry to hear that. :(

Your boyfriend needs to realize that his depression isn't just hurting himself. It's hurting others as well. And no one can be a 24/7 caregiver. You need a professional to get involved.
 
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