New to vee poly

[Charmaine]

I’m very new to this relationship and looking for some guidance and advice


Been with my now husband 2 year in August overall 8yr relationship, my best friend of 2 years and us have recently decided that we wanted to make things official and try vee poly

My husband has the 2 of us and we just friends

Little bit of back story we each have kids and now live in the same house as a large family


Some days and moments I feel as if this is all okay and our relationship is going well and I’ve set boundaries and then I have moments and I feel jealous, upset and angry

Is this normal ? Is this just part of getting used to this dynamic ?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Charmaine,

There is an "old" saying; it goes, "First year forming, second year storming, third year norming." It's not like every poly relationship follows exactly that formula, but the point is, you have to expect some storming (where you're jealous, upset, and angry) before things settle down (norming). What you are experiencing is quite normal, the upset feelings will subside as the years go by, assuming of course that the three of you keep the communication channels open, and work on learning each other's wants and needs. In the meantime, keep posting here as your situation evolves, people can help you better if you keep this thread alive. Share details if you can, like, can you tell us what precipitates your jealous moments? I found that my jealous moments subsided if I could give voice to my needs, and feel heard. Maybe that's how it is for you too.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Charmaine]

Hello Charmaine,

There is an "old" saying; it goes, "First year forming, second year storming, third year norming." It's not like every poly relationship follows exactly that formula, but the point is, you have to expect some storming (where you're jealous, upset, and angry) before things settle down (norming). What you are experiencing is quite normal, the upset feelings will subside as the years go by, assuming of course that the three of you keep the communication channels open, and work on learning each other's wants and needs. In the meantime, keep posting here as your situation evolves, people can help you better if you keep this thread alive. Share details if you can, like, can you tell us what precipitates your jealous moments? I found that my jealous moments subsided if I could give voice to my needs, and feel heard. Maybe that's how it is for you too.

Regards,
Kevin T.

Thank you and this make sense, sometime it can be as simple as my OH coming to bed after spending time with girlfriend….


Situation the other night I had in my head that my OH had gone to have sex and the came back to bed with me. ( I expressed this and felt my voice was heard) feeling better after this was expressed

 

[Magdlyn]

I’m very new to this relationship and looking for some guidance and advice.

Been with my now husband 2 years in August, overall 8 yr relationship. My best friend of 2 years and us have recently decided that we wanted to make things official and try vee poly. My husband has the 2 of us, and we [are] just friends. Little bit of back story-- we each have kids and now live in the same house as a large family.

To reduce confusion, let's call your husband Jack and your friend Chloe.

So did Chloe move into your house that you share with Jack? Is there space, physical and emotional, for everyone, Chloe and her kids? Do the kids all get along? What are their ages? Do they know there is a romantic love relationship between Chloe and Jack? Or do you have stress around trying to hide this?

Some days and moments I feel as if this is all okay, and our relationship is going well. I’ve set boundaries.

What are your personal boundaries? What are Jack's? What are Chloe's?
Is there a dating or "sleeping with" schedule?

And then I have moments and I feel jealous, upset and angry.

Is this normal? Is this just part of getting used to this dynamic?

Sure, it's normal to feel compersion sometimes (happy that Jack and Chloe are happy together) and other times to feel jealous or angry. Keep communication open. Ask for reassurance. State your needs, and request Chloe or Jack to meet them. If they can't or won't, find someone else who will.

Sometimes it can be as simple as my OH coming to bed after spending time with [his] girlfriend.

Situation the other night I had in my head, that my OH had gone to have sex and the came back to bed with me. I expressed this and felt my voice was heard, feeling better after this was expressed.

Is this something that happened, or just something you imagined? I like my partners to shower after spending time with another partner before they come spend time with me. I don't want to have the other partner's bodily fluids on my partner. You could call that a boundary, I guess, but it's more like good manners and consideration, I feel.

Would it help your envy if you found a lover of your own?

 

[Tinwen]

Hello Charmaine,
I hope it all works out for you with this 'big family' arrangement. Everything sounds hopeful right now, despite some jealousy.
I understand your friend moved in first, before starting a relationship with your husband? And they fell in love once living together? Who proposed the transition from "friends" to lovers?

 

[Charmaine]

To reduce confusion, let's call your husband Jack and your friend Chloe.

So did Chloe move into your house that you share with Jack? Is there space, physical and emotional, for everyone, Chloe and her kids? Do the kids all get along? What are their ages? Do they know there is a romantic love relationship between Chloe and Jack? Or do you have stress around trying to hide this?

What are your personal boundaries? What are Jack's? What are Chloe's?
Is there a dating or "sleeping with" schedule?

Sure, it's normal to feel compersion sometimes (happy that Jack and Chloe are happy together) and other times to feel jealous or angry. Keep communication open. Ask for reassurance. State your needs, and request Chloe or Jack to meet them. If they can't or won't, find someone else who will.



Is this something that happened, or just something you imagined? I like my partners to shower after spending time with another partner before they come spend time with me. I don't want to have the other partner's bodily fluids on my partner. You could call that a boundary, I guess, but it's more like good manners and consideration, I feel.

Would it help your envy if you found a lover of your own?

My husband is Jack and friend is Michelle

I’m 28, husband is 33 and Michelle is almost 24

Yes some boundaries have been set
- if Jack is to have sex with Michelle he is then to spend the rest of Tod the night with her

- Michelle is not allowed to fall pregnant on purpose protection is to be used (she has an appointment for deposit shot and condoms will be used

- following this we must all be sexual health check every few months

- I don’t need to know when and where sexual activity takes place

 

[Charmaine]

Hello Charmaine,
I hope it all works out for you with this 'big family' arrangement. Everything sounds hopeful right now, despite some jealousy.
I understand your friend moved in first, before starting a relationship with your husband? And they fell in love once living together? Who proposed the transition from "friends" to lovers?

We have know Michelle for 2 year as both my youngest baby and hers are the same age (she only has one child)


In our house is me and my OH and 2 children all the time (OH had other child that comes and gos from previous relationship before myself)

Oldest in the house when OH child is here is 8 then it’s our 5 and 2 year old

Then Michelle’s little one is 2

 

[Charmaine]

To reduce confusion, let's call your husband Jack and your friend Chloe.

So did Chloe move into your house that you share with Jack? Is there space, physical and emotional, for everyone, Chloe and her kids? Do the kids all get along? What are their ages? Do they know there is a romantic love relationship between Chloe and Jack? Or do you have stress around trying to hide this?

What are your personal boundaries? What are Jack's? What are Chloe's?
Is there a dating or "sleeping with" schedule?

Sure, it's normal to feel compersion sometimes (happy that Jack and Chloe are happy together) and other times to feel jealous or angry. Keep communication open. Ask for reassurance. State your needs, and request Chloe or Jack to meet them. If they can't or won't, find someone else who will.



Is this something that happened, or just something you imagined? I like my partners to shower after spending time with another partner before they come spend time with me. I don't want to have the other partner's bodily fluids on my partner. You could call that a boundary, I guess, but it's more like good manners and consideration, I feel.

Would it help your envy if you found a lover of your own?

I don’t want my own person as I’m not interested and my husband has said he wouldn’t be happy with me seeing other people

I guess it all just happened with a more serious conversation as before it was just running joke x

 

[Magdlyn]

I am not sure what OH means in your posts. It seems to mean your husband, "Jack," is that right?

So, a "boundary" you set was in response to Jack coming into your bed after having had sex with Michelle. That made you angry, I gather. Maybe jealous. You then said if he has sex with her in the evening, he should spend the right of the night in her bed. He agreed. This is a negotiated agreement. Good.

You and Michelle both have 2-year olds. Is Jack the father of both babies? Just wondering...

You and Michelle must have met right around the time your babies were born.

 

[Charmaine]

I am not sure what OH means in your posts. It seems to mean your husband, "Jack," is that right?

So, a "boundary" you set was in response to Jack coming into your bed after having had sex with Michelle. That made you angry, I gather. Maybe jealous. You then said if he has sex with her in the evening, he should spend the right of the night in her bed. He agreed. This is a negotiated agreement. Good.

You and Michelle both have 2-year olds. Is Jack the father of both babies? Just wondering...

You and Michelle must have met right around the time your babies were born.

OH - other half

yes we have an arrangement now an nothing has happened between Jak and Michelle physically

Both me and Michelle had met at baby group an no Jak isn’t the father t on both only my child

 

[Tinwen]

yes we have an arrangement now an nothing has happened between Jak and Michelle physically

Ok, again:
WHY do you want to make this poly?
Are they in love?
Do you like your friend so much you want to make her family forever?
What are the reasons to choose a polygamous (because you would not be dating other men) arrangement over just having a platonic close friend?

Nothing physical has yet happened and you are already jealous, I get it, but I urge you to reconsider while (if) there is still time, because living with your metamour (and not dating yourself) makes this one hell of a ride I would never want to sign up for.

I mean, you call your husband "other half". You would have to change your entire mindset. It can be done, but you have to have good reasons to do so.

 

[Charmaine]

Ok, again:
WHY do you want to make this poly?
Are they in love?
Do you like your friend so much you want to make her family forever?
What are the reasons to choose a polygamous (because you would not be dating other men) arrangement over just having a platonic close friend?

Nothing physical has yet happened and you are already jealous, I get it, but I urge you to reconsider while (if) there is still time, because living with your metamour (and not dating yourself) makes this one hell of a ride I would never want to sign up for.

I mean, you call your husband "other half". You would have to change your entire mindset. It can be done, but you have to have good reasons to do so.

I guess it just made sense

Michelle always at my home with her little one we share everything

She now has a key (before we agreed to the relationship)

Just felt thing fell into place?

 

[CoralRose]

Of course, no one can ever fully know what’s happening inside someone else’s relationship. But based on what you shared, it seems like this situation may be benefiting your husband and your friend more than it’s benefiting you.

You are a vital part of this equation, and your needs matter just as much. I hope you’re able to take some time to reflect on what’s best for you and make sure this new relationship is grounded in that.

 

[Charmaine]

Of course, no one can ever fully know what’s happening inside someone else’s relationship. But based on what you shared, it seems like this situation may be benefiting your husband and your friend more than it’s benefiting you.

You are a vital part of this equation, and your needs matter just as much. I hope you’re able to take some time to reflect on what’s best for you and make sure this new relationship is grounded in that.

Thank you and I’m trying to figure out what my needs are

I know financially it’ll help us all
Extra pair of hands with the kids won’t hurt either


But as to me and just min not sure ? X

 

[Magdlyn]

OH - other half

Oh, I see. I agree with Tinwen that thinking of Jack as your "other half," while he loves and is attracted to Michelle is something to look at and maybe rethink. Thinking of a couple as two halves of a whole, while also having intense loving relationships with others seems kind of contradictory.

Yes, we have an arrangement now and nothing has happened between Jack and Michelle physically.

You mean they aren't having sex now, whereas they were before? I thought your rule was they do sleep together (and I assume, have sex) on a regular basis. I asked about schedules for who sleeps with whom and you didn't answer. In poly Vs, where there is one hinge (Jack?) who is having romance/sex with two others (aka the arms, which would be you and Michelle), usually the hinge rotates his or her sleeping schedule so everything is balanced.

Some live-in Vs have bedrooms for the two arms and the hinge visits each in turn. If you have a big enough house, some Vs have a room for each person, so everyone has their special space. I reckon with all your kids you don't have enough bedrooms for that.

Both me and Michelle had met at baby group... Jack isn’t the father [of] both, only my child.

It seems like Michelle is a single mom, then.

Your kids are all quite young. Maybe only the 8 year old is questioning your adult relationships, so far.

 

[Charmaine]

Oh, I see. I agree with Tinwen that thinking of Jack as your "other half," while he loves and is attracted to Michelle is something to look at and maybe rethink. Thinking of a couple as two halves of a whole, while also having intense loving relationships with others seems kind of contradictory.

You mean they aren't having sex now, whereas they were before? I thought your rule was they do sleep together (and I assume, have sex) on a regular basis. I asked about schedules for who sleeps with whom and you didn't answer. In poly Vs, where there is one hinge (Jack?) who is having romance/sex with two others (aka the arms, which would be you and Michelle), usually the hinge rotates his or her sleeping schedule so everything is balanced.

Some live-in Vs have bedrooms for the two arms and the hinge visits each in turn. If you have a big enough house, some Vs have a room for each person, so everyone has their special space. I reckon with all your kids you don't have enough bedrooms for that.

It seems like Michelle is a single mom, then.

Your kids are all quite young. Maybe only the 8 year old is questioning your adult relationships, so far.

It’s complicated with jacks other children

And yes Michelle is a single mum and our house isn’t big enough in the sense we all have different rooms I have my room and Michelle has a room with her daughter

When mentioned the schedule sleeping it wasn’t something we was fond of saying this date night for each of us Jak would spend the night with each person

Michelle and Jack havnt had a sexual relationship before all of this at currently hasn’t had sex only hugs and kisses …

 

[Magdlyn]

It’s complicated with Jack's other children.

I thought you said he just had an 8-year old from a previous relationship, who is with you part time. Are there more kids in the mix?

Michelle is a single mum, and our house isn’t big enough, in the sense we all have different rooms. I have my room and Michelle has a room with her daughter.

When mentioned the schedule sleeping it wasn’t something we was fond of saying, this date night for each of us, Jack would spend the night with each person.

I hear that you may want something more spontaneous, but many people prefer more of a schedule. You can always change the schedule, either temporarily, if someone feels sick, or extra tired, or permanently, if someone feels they needs more space, etc. Michelle sharing a room with her 2-year old shouldn't matter much now, but will as she gets older.

Michelle and Jack haven't had a sexual relationship before... only hugs and kisses.

Situation the other night I had in my head-- [Jack] had gone to have sex [with Michelle] and then came back to bed with me. I expressed this and felt my voice was heard. [I felt] better after this was expressed.

Again, I see. This was just a scenario you had pictured and realized you found uncomfortable. Just talking about it made you feel better, and you decided between you that if and when Jack and Michelle do start a sexual relationship, you'd prefer he stay in her room for the night to do it, not have sex with her and then spend the night with you.

So your entire thread is based on preparing for something sexual to develop between the two of them, even though so far they have only hugged and kissed. Many formerly monogamous couples who decide to open up to polyamory take at least a year to read, discuss and prepare. Consider taking it slowly, even though your good friend Michelle is already living with the two of you in a roommate situation for (it seems) single-mom financial issues.

Now that I understand this, deciding on which woman Jack is going to sleep with X times per week may be premature. Continue to take this slowly, and keep asking questions!.

 

[Tinwen]

Thank you and I’m trying to figure out what my needs are

I know financially it’ll help us all
Extra pair of hands with the kids won’t hurt either


But as to me and just min not sure ? X

You have her living with you already, so the financial help (rent) and practical help (taking turns watching kids...) is already available.
So what is the reason to take this sexual? or make this a "relationship"?
Is it because they fell in love?
Are you hoping that a "relationship" status will somehow make this more permanent? like she won't move because of some new guy 'round the corner?
Are you on board with the ideals of polyamory, i.e. you believe it's correct to share your love with more than one person because it's so life-enriching?

Do you want your best friend this close?

I'm bothering you with the repeated questions, because I think it really helps to be able to name things, to have clarity on the reasons.

Also, despite living in a poly "V" myself (not cohabitating, though), I'm really sceptical of your arrangement. It's not like it "can't work", it's more like "this is a lot of trouble... for what?". I'm afraid you're allowing something here that you do not really wish to happen, and once started, there's no going back to the way things were before.

 

[Charmaine]

I thought you said he just had an 8-year old from a previous relationship, who is with you part time. Are there more kids in the mix?

I hear that you may want something more spontaneous, but many people prefer more of a schedule. You can always change the schedule, either temporarily, if someone feels sick, or extra tired, or permanently, if someone feels they needs more space, etc. Michelle sharing a room with her 2-year old shouldn't matter much now, but will as she gets older.



Again, I see. This was just a scenario you had pictured and realized you found uncomfortable. Just talking about it made you feel better, and you decided between you that if and when Jack and Michelle do start a sexual relationship, you'd prefer he stay in her room for the night to do it, not have sex with her and then spend the night with you.

So your entire thread is based on preparing for something sexual to develop between the two of them, even though so far they have only hugged and kissed. Many formerly monogamous couples who decide to open up to polyamory take at least a year to read, discuss and prepare. Consider taking it slowly, even though your good friend Michelle is already living with the two of you in a roommate situation for (it seems) single-mom financial issues.

Now that I understand this, deciding on which woman Jack is going to sleep with X times per week may be premature. Continue to take this slowly, and keep asking questions!.

Thank you and it appreciate this comment

We have a lot to discuss and will take time

Jack and Michelle have only kissed and hugged at this moment in time, I understand that a lot of it seams to be ‘what if’ and this is something I guess where boundaries will be set (something we are talking about and are looking at a schedule to help and can be adjusted at any time)


Jacks background - he has a 16yr old from when he was younger we don’t see (he’s old enough and keeps in contact through FaceTime) - Freddie is 14 and George is 9 these children are from his previous marriage before myself

Me and jack have a 5 year old and a 2 year old together

Michelle has a 2 year old from previous relationship
She was living with her parents (they live the street behind me) so she can also go back if needs be

 

[Charmaine]

You have her living with you already, so the financial help (rent) and practical help (taking turns watching kids...) is already available.
So what is the reason to take this sexual? or make this a "relationship"?
Is it because they fell in love?
Are you hoping that a "relationship" status will somehow make this more permanent? like she won't move because of some new guy 'round the corner?
Are you on board with the ideals of polyamory, i.e. you believe it's correct to share your love with more than one person because it's so life-enriching?

Do you want your best friend this close?

I'm bothering you with the repeated questions, because I think it really helps to be able to name things, to have clarity on the reasons.

Also, despite living in a poly "V" myself (not cohabitating, though), I'm really skeptical of your arrangement. It's not like it "can't work", it's more like "this is a lot of trouble... for what?". I'm afraid you're allowing something here that you do not really wish to happen, and once started, there's no going back to the way things were before.

That’s okay, and it’s okay to ask questions more than once. (It can take me a little more time to grasp the aspects your asking.)

Yes, financially, and having the extra hands is great.

Sexually, I guess I don’t really think much of it. I suppose it was if this is a relationship then things should be equal? Sex with me and sex with Michelle.

Giving it a name gave it purpose for them being in a relationship. I don’t really know what else.

I wouldn’t be willing to have an open relationship with anyone else. If it wasn’t for Michelle, this wouldn't be a thing.

Jack and Michelle get on very well, and have a sexual attraction to each other, as they both have expressed to me.