New triad living together, feeling wrong

[disarmlow]

Hello,

I am brand new to a poly emotional relationship and I have several questions. For background, I have been in a committed relationship with a man for over three years now. I am bisexual. Over the years, we have done a few threesomes and I have experimented with women. I've also tried giving him some leeway and allowing him to have poly sex among a small group of female friends. My SO is very uncomfortable with other men being with me. He is not bisexual, so the idea of dating another male has not come up. I'm really not interested in it.

About a month ago, we met a woman that we were both instantly attracted to. After a party, she and I were sexually active. Later on, we engaged in a threesome with my SO, which was enjoyed by all. We have no problems whatsoever sexually.

She is a sub and my SO is a dom. He and I do not practice BDSM. I am uninterested in it.

Originally, I only felt comfortable with threesomes, and them being intimate only within the areas of their sub/dom relationship. Then, the NRE (as I've seen it referred to) kicked in, and without realizing it, within the span of three weeks, she was living with us.

We've talked about doing date nights, which I enjoy, but I've found myself less and less emotionally involved with her. She does not want to be a secondary, and I am uncomfortable with that. Something feels "wrong" about her being here all the time. I feel jealous and stressed out most of the time. I feel lost in my own relationship, as if I no longer have my place. I do not know if I can ever be comfortable functioning as a "triple" instead of having my own place and my own time with my SO.

Neither of them seem to have a problem, but when I mention taking a step back and taking it slower, neither of them seems to like that idea. She feels rejected, and he feels like I am not allowing her into my heart, which may be true, but it's because I feel somewhat usurped.

I don't know what to do. I am okay with breaking up with her as a couple, but I do not want to anger my SO or hurt her. I would like to continue to be friends, or even try poly, but I'm not sure if I will ever be comfortable with the situation as it stands. I enjoy alone time with my SO more than our three time, and I want to be the primary, which she is not comfortable with.

Advice? Experiences? I really appreciate that there is a support group so wide out here.

 

[jkelly]

I am okay with breaking up with her as a couple, but I do not want to anger my SO or hurt her.

Er... you should get to date and live with whoever you want.

Seriously, don't date people just because it makes them, or someone else, happy. Don't live with people just because it makes them, or someone else, happy. Date only those people you're enthusiastic about dating! Live with people you want to live with!

Any other approach is going to lead to drama and heartache.

 

[Fidelia]

Okay, so when the three of you were under the influence of NRE, you either allowed or encouraged a new love interest to move in with you, and now that you are less "under the influence," you're not comfortable with it. Not the first time this sort of thing has happened, not even the first time recently. (I am thinking of the most recent chapter of HMA and Violet's ongoing story.)

How does someone move into a living arrangement "without realizing it"?

Did the three of you discuss the dynamics and boundaries of the arrangement? Are you clear in your own mind what you need and want? Have you communicated those needs and wants to your partners, clearly and directly? Do you have a clear picture of what your partners need and want, and have the three of you reached agreements and worked out strategies to see that each one's needs are met?

It sounds (to me, based on just what you've posted) like your triad moved too far, too fast. And now it's time to build a foundation under the house find yourself in. Doable, but easier said than done.

It's time to think things over, and then talk and talk and talk some more with your partners. Get clear on what each of you need and want, then make a plan to meet them.

It can be done. Good luck to y'all.

 

[Magdlyn]

I agree. But just like with more typical one-on-one relationships, I hold to the idea to not move in with a lover full time until you've known each other a good year. Then you really get to know them and see if you'd be compatible 24/7.

I've been with my current gf 19 months and we still maintain separate residences, even though we spend days each week together, and I am getting sick of the driving.

In my case, 10 years ago, my ex and I opened our relationship to others. He fell in love with a single woman. While I liked her, I was not amenable to having her move right in, as he was pushing for. Mon Dieu!

We had youngish kids at the time too. And I didn't want a "sister wife" to help me raise them, especially with what I knew of the gf's background.

But even if we hadn't had kids, no. No way would she get to move in on my territory, no matter how their NRE was telling them they were instant soul mates. Especially if she wanted to become a second primary. I'd been with him for over 20 years, and I wasn't about to let someone he knew a few weeks suddenly become my equal in household decisions.

When our first Valentine's Day came, and he gave her the exact same present he gave me, I flipped and made them break up.