So, I am actually writing this now as my fiance is actually in the other room cuddling and talking with our third partner. A quick introduction, my name is Pockets (or that's what people call me), im a 24 year old male, engaged to my lovely 22 year old fiance. We have been engaged for a year and a half now, with a wedding date of first quarter next year. This is not our first delve into non-monogamous relationships, we tried with one other male a little over a year ago, and he was only in it for the sex, which ultimately led to a one night stand between my fiance and a really good friend of ours. We are still in contact with him, still a friend, and one of my groomsmen, but he is happily in a monogamous relationship. Our new partner is a 31 year old male, another good friend before a relationship was formed. We got along well, and would hang out every now and then, and I knew he was attracted to my fiance, but it was her that brought it up to me. They have been dating for about a month now, and all seems to be going well. Me and him are closer now, and my fiance jokes that we are pretty much the same guy, just different bodies. I love my fiance, and I really don't see me loving another woman the way I do her, but I do understand there are some things that she needs to be happy, like extra human interaction, which is what drew her to poly in the first place. You see, besides work, and occasional hanging out with friends, we spent all our time together. We still loved each other, but our sex and personal life was getting kind of boring because we almost never left each others side. Since adding our third, she is much happier now. Unfortunately, because he does not live with us, he does not get to spend much time with her, and so the time they do spend, usually leaves me alone in another room typing on a computer. There are multiple things we do together, but sometimes we all need our space. Sadly, I do get a little jealous when he is over and she only wants to cuddle with him, but I just have to keep telling myself that I get her about 20 hours a day, she can have him for the short time she gets to spend with him. I have tried bringing up the idea of possibly adding a fourth person (preferably female) for me to hang out with, regardless of if it's sexual or friendship (heck, could be sitting at the couch watching shows or playing video games, or another work out partner to try and help me get in shape), so we'll see how things go. No one's family knows, we haven't gotten ourselves to the point to be able to tell any of them, still trying to wrap our head around the whole thing as it is. But, when we do finally get to that point, I have no fear that my family will over react (at least the immediate family), we have everything from asexuals, to swingers to homosexuals in our family, and we welcome all with open arms. So, sorry for ranting, went a lot longer than I meant to. So, i'll end now.
New triad
- Thread starter mrpockets
- Start date
Greetings Pockets,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
Thanks for your intro, it gives me a good picture of your situation. A little jealousy is normal in a poly situation; perhaps finding a little more female company for you will help with that. It's not easy to come out of the closet and not all polys can do it. You just have to decide what's best for you.
There's a lot of helpful stuff to read on Polyamory.com, so dig right in, and let us know if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
Notes:
There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!
Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.
Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.
If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.
Welcome aboard!
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
Thanks for your intro, it gives me a good picture of your situation. A little jealousy is normal in a poly situation; perhaps finding a little more female company for you will help with that. It's not easy to come out of the closet and not all polys can do it. You just have to decide what's best for you.
There's a lot of helpful stuff to read on Polyamory.com, so dig right in, and let us know if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
Notes:
There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!
Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.
Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.
If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.
Welcome aboard!
Welcome! It sounds like you're doing great, except for the jealousy bit.
You could go out when the OSO is over. Or, they could go out on a date, or go to his place or a hotel for The Sex.
Finding more platonic friends or a lover for you sounds healthy. Being attached at the hip and dropping friends can happen in new r'ships, during NRE. After a while, it isn't enough. We all need more stimulation, feedback and variety. Even monogamous people need this!
Time to get some new friends, a gym buddy, a lover, or some other hobby, maybe even a new hobby you've not taken the time to pursue. Try to work out this poly thing before you get married. Because... you never know.
BTW, it doesn't always work out to have a sexy date on the same day/night your SO has a sexy date. It's nice when it does, but the timing doesn't always magically happen.
You could go out when the OSO is over. Or, they could go out on a date, or go to his place or a hotel for The Sex.
Finding more platonic friends or a lover for you sounds healthy. Being attached at the hip and dropping friends can happen in new r'ships, during NRE. After a while, it isn't enough. We all need more stimulation, feedback and variety. Even monogamous people need this!
Time to get some new friends, a gym buddy, a lover, or some other hobby, maybe even a new hobby you've not taken the time to pursue. Try to work out this poly thing before you get married. Because... you never know.
BTW, it doesn't always work out to have a sexy date on the same day/night your SO has a sexy date. It's nice when it does, but the timing doesn't always magically happen.
hiPDe
Thanks for the welcomes everyone. As for figuring out the poly before the wedding, one of our biggest discussions is whether we will maintain it afterwards. One of my groomsman is our first partner, and if he drops out, our new partner is my backup. He was our friend before the engagement, during, and is still now that we have started this relationship. In many ways, he is like a brother to me. He treats my SO amazingly well, and has actually told her that if he had met her before I did, that he would have dated her then. He is okay with the idea of dating her after we marry, I'm okay with it, and my SO is too, so we'll see.
Also, dang captchas
Thanks for the welcomes everyone. As for figuring out the poly before the wedding, one of our biggest discussions is whether we will maintain it afterwards. One of my groomsman is our first partner, and if he drops out, our new partner is my backup. He was our friend before the engagement, during, and is still now that we have started this relationship. In many ways, he is like a brother to me. He treats my SO amazingly well, and has actually told her that if he had met her before I did, that he would have dated her then. He is okay with the idea of dating her after we marry, I'm okay with it, and my SO is too, so we'll see.
Also, dang captchas
I am not sure why you call this guy your (plural) "third" partner, or why you call this arrangement a triad. It sounds like he is your fiancee's partner (sex, etc), and a platonic friend of yours. Therefore, your fiancee is the hinge in a V, with you and other guy as the legs of the V. He is not your (singular) partner. Or a third of any kind. He could be called your fiancee's "secondary," with you as the primary. It would be a polyamorous triad if all three of you were in love with each other, and if you and he were bi and also having sex (unless one or both of you IDed as asexual).
One guy she dated was only in it for the sex, but that somehow led to her having a one night stand with yet another guy?
Do you mean you are not polyamorous then? You don't feel you could love 2 women.
Or, since my gf started dating other men...
You are trying to think as a couple. Your gf has a bf, period. You want a gf, or even just some platonic friends, period. There is no "adding thirds or fourths." It is OK for you to think as one person, YOU. You haven't actually melded into one body (no matter what the Bible says).
This idea of "adding a third" is annoying pervasive with poly newbies, and is just a holdover from monogamous thinking.
You say your relationship has gotten stale and boring since you don't spend enough time apart. You could think about getting a gf, sure. You could also think about, as I said earlier, getting some actual friends. Pursue some hobbies without your gf. Even take separate vacations sometimes. My gf and I take vacations together and separately. For example, she goes to visit her old childhood or college friends for a week, I do the same. We don't bring each other. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. Getting new partners isn't the only way to give each other space.
When your gf has her bf over, don't think that he is "your third" and all you can do is sit on the computer overhearing their sex. Go out! Live life! Meet people and see what happens!
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Yeah, still trying to figure out all the lingo and identifications. I do guess the best way to put it is he is her secondary, and a really good friend of mine.
One guy she dated was only in it for the sex, but that somehow led to her having a one night stand with yet another guy?
No, the guy that she was into agreed to try a relationship, yet slept with her once, then left to go pursue another girl. After talking with him, he was attracted to her, but the idea of a non-monogamous relationship was weird to him. We're all still friends though, with everyone in understanding over what happened.
It's not that I don't think I could love more than one woman, it's just when I see myself as the man I want to be, I can only envision her standing next to me, only her being the mother of my children, only her being there until the end.
The thing is, I do have some friends I hang out with, but a good portion of our friends are couples, and we tend to hang out as couples. As for hobbies without my GF, I have more than enough of those. I cycle, paintball, sew and a few other things that she does not enjoy. Unfortunately, since me and the OSO tend to work late (we have the same job), they spend time at night. Kind of hard to do any hobbies at 11 o'clock at night. As for me hearing them have sex, never an issue. I did hear them foreplaying one day and had to tell them I was going to the gym to give them alone time. But, our in house rule is, if it's not something you want me to see, don't make it so I can hear it, and give me notice so I can leave and go find something to do. As for vacations, working retail doesn't give you much of an opportunity to do that. If you get a day off, you get one off, and vacations must be planned weeks ahead. I have taken a few trips without her, but seeing as how we rely on one car, if she needs to go somewhere, it's either me or the OSO that take her.
My gf and I only have one car. If she wants to go away to see family or friends without me, I drive her to the bus station, and she arranges things at the other end for rides from her friends.
So, you all work retail? You never get long weekends or even 2 days off? I used to work retail for many years, and I got 2 days off in a row, and some vacation time, as I/we could afford it.
But whatever, just making suggestions for more independent thinking. Being poly kinda forces you to manifest independence and inter-dependence, rather than co-dependency. Intimacy and respect can even grow when you each care more for your own needs.
If her bf can only see her nights when you're also in for the night, can she go to his place sometimes? They might like a space where they can make all the noise they want too. I'd hate having to be extra quiet so my SO couldn't hear. Luckily she doesnt mind sex noises.
I hear that most of your friends are parts of couples, but surely you're welcome to do things with them solo sometimes? Do your best friends know your gf is poly?
So, you all work retail? You never get long weekends or even 2 days off? I used to work retail for many years, and I got 2 days off in a row, and some vacation time, as I/we could afford it.
But whatever, just making suggestions for more independent thinking. Being poly kinda forces you to manifest independence and inter-dependence, rather than co-dependency. Intimacy and respect can even grow when you each care more for your own needs.
If her bf can only see her nights when you're also in for the night, can she go to his place sometimes? They might like a space where they can make all the noise they want too. I'd hate having to be extra quiet so my SO couldn't hear. Luckily she doesnt mind sex noises.
I hear that most of your friends are parts of couples, but surely you're welcome to do things with them solo sometimes? Do your best friends know your gf is poly?