New unicorn<---is that what I'm called?

L

Laykay09

New member
Hi,
I am 29 f in Dallas, Texas. I am interested in finding a couple or hanging out with couples or just interested in exploring. I have bever been one to be traditional, there are too many guidelines on what to do and not to do and i've not been great at following the rules. I do enkoy my freedom, I've been single for 3 years ( a record for a prime young lady w a social personality) after my divorce. Prior to that i only dated women, and before that only boys. I'm not for labels and have lived and been in love w both sexes, but seperately. I prefer a couple in the fact that they've already done the hard work and built the foundation, something im not very good at and dont want to be hassled by the rigid structure of how to's and what to's. I'm hoping i've found the right dynamic rather than switch hitting everytime i'm in a slump. If anyone can guide me in the right direction on integration or community or help find me a match i would be more than elated for change. Friends are always nice too :) .
Thank you for reading,
Kay
 
Yes, you are a unicorn and in high demand. The plus is you don't have to settle.

The minus is that established couples often have a rigid set of rules already established before you come along. That is why so many couples fail when trying to add a third.

Try OKCupid.com and look for Dallas poly groups on meetup.com.
 
Grateful

Wow,
thank you for the follow up, warning, and direction. Noted! Tips much appreciated...I will give it a shot!
Much love.
 
Yes

I would love help. I was having trouble navigating and coukdnt really find out how to narrow the search as I wasnt able to find a keyword box to type on couples.
Thanks a bunch
 
You don't need to focus on the search so much as you want your profile to represent yourself accurately and who/what you're looking for. That's what trips up most people: they think they are advertising one thing and are coming off in a different way. If you'd like to share your profile name, there are a number of OKC members here who are happy to offer feedback.
 
Greetings Kay,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

There are a lot of couples out there who are looking for a single woman such as yourself. So you probably won't have to search for them, they will come to you.

I haven't been on OKC in like, forever, so I don't remember how its search function works (and it's probably changed from back when I was participating). Hopefully some of the members here will be able to give you some searching tips. But your profile is truly the most important thing.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Laykay09 said:
Hi,
I am 29 f in Dallas, Texas. I am interested in finding a couple or hanging out with couples or just interested in exploring. I have never been one to be traditional. There are too many guidelines on what to do and not to do, and i've not been great at following the rules.

I do enjoy my freedom. I've been single for 3 years (a record for a prime young lady w a social personality) after my divorce. Prior to that i only dated women, and before that only boys.

I'm not for labels and have lived and been in love w both sexes, but separately. I prefer a couple in the fact that they've already done the hard work and built the foundation, something im not very good at
Click to expand...

"The foundation?" What foundation? They've built a relationship with each other, not with you. Many poly couples searching for a unicorn are really BAD at poly.

If you need help at building secure relationships, do the work yourself. Use this forum to learn (read the blog section), books, websites, a therapist. You can be poly and date other polys one on one. You can have 2 men, 2 women, a guy and a woman (who aren't a couple), and a boytoy, for example. Do this instead of serial monogamy, if you wish. You do NOT need to date a couple looking to "add a girl to our relationship."

These couples often want a girl to use as a fucktoy or marital aid to spice up their flagging love life and sex life. They won't see you one on one, thinking that threatens their marriage or relationship, but will insist all dates and sex FOR YOU are with both of them as once, while they of course can continue to be together as a couple when you're not there. Talk about you behind your back. Discuss how deeply they want you in their lives. Fantasize about you out loud as they fuck each other.

They often prey on younger women with little family and little money, moving her in to their house too soon, where she is dependent and used as an unpaid housekeeper and nanny.

You will eventually care more for one partner than the other (this happens 85% of the time, I'd say). Then the less loved or desired member will get jealous and start making your life hell, or veto the whole shebang.

I am, in fact, appalled that some of our senior members are telling you you would be a hot commodity on OKC, and not warning you of the dangers of dating a couple.

and dont want to be hassled by the rigid structure of how to's and what to's.
Click to expand...


Poly couples generally have a more rigid structure than not. Unless they date separately instead of as a claustrophobic unit.

I'm hoping i've found the right dynamic rather than switch hitting everytime i'm in a slump. If anyone can guide me in the right direction on integration or community or help find me a match i would be more than elated for change. Friends are always nice too :) .
Thank you for reading,
Kay
Click to expand...
 
Magdlyn said:
I am, in fact, appalled that some of our senior members are telling you you would be a hot commodity on OKC, and not warning you of the dangers of dating a couple.
Click to expand...

I can't speak for the other members, but dating a couple doesn't have to be like you've written, Magdyln. The key, I think to doing it successfully is to be strong and clear in what you want, picky about who you date, and not put all your relationship needs in the "couple basket" (don't agree to close your end, continue to date other people, etc.) And, of course, not move in two weeks after you start dating, quit your job, and be the full-time sex-toy/maid/nanny ;) Of course, I'm kind of biased as I was in a triad for 6ish months and really liked the dynamic (but then, we both dated Blue separately first, we had separate dates/overnights with each partner, none of us lived together or were married, etc, etc.)

Welcome, Kay! Like others have said, you shouldn't have any trouble finding a couple to date. Just be picky and take your time! And, make sure you're clear about what you want :)
 
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PinkPig said:
I can't speak for the other members, but dating a couple doesn't have to be like you've written, Magdyln. The key, I think to doing it successfully is to be strong and clear in what you want, picky about who you date, and not put all your relationship needs in the "couple basket" (don't agree to close your end, continue to date other people, etc.) And, of course, not move in two weeks after you start dating, quit your job, and be the full-time sex-toy/maid/nanny ;) Of course, I'm kind of biased as I was in a triad for 6ish months and really liked the dynamic (but then, we both dated Blue separately first, we had separate dates/overnights with each partner, none of us lived together or were married, etc, etc.)
Click to expand...

That's key, though, Pink. You found a guy and started seeing him. Another woman was also dating him. You were all individuals. You eventually were also attracted to that woman, and your V become a triad. You didn't start dating "a couple hunting for our unicorn."

Here is good info for a person looking to be a secondary. Because, you will BE a secondary if you date an established couple. Inform yourself to reduce chance of harm.

https://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html
 
OP, don't call yourself a unicorn - it's a derogatory term meant to make fun of couples seeking a "hot bi babe" to fulfill their fantasy wish list. In essence, since a unicorn is a mythical creature, when we call those kinds of couples "unicorn hunters" we're saying they are looking for something that doesn't exist. You want to steer clear of couples looking to "add to" or enhance their relationship with a unicorn. You deserve to be respected and treated as an individual, not a fucktoy or marital aid.

Do a tag search here for the word unicorn and you can read the horror stories. It is usually a disaster for the woman who joins a unicorn-hunting couple.

Just because you are attracted to the idea of dating a couple does not make you a unicorn, and just because two people who are partnered are both open to being involved with the same woman does not make them unicorn hunters. As mentioned upthread, triads can potentially work if they happen organically. Date one person, and leave yourself open to the possibility that you might date their partner if there is a mutual attraction, then see how it goes. Be prepared by knowing your own personal boundaries about what you will and will not accept in your relationships and do not give in to demands that disrespect your boundaries.

But any couple that insists you date them both and put your needs second to theirs (as if those two people are one entity in charge of you) is trouble, and if you are approached and/or propositioned by a couple like that, be smart and run screaming in the opposite direction without looking back!
 
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nycindie said:
OP, don't call yourself a unicorn - it's a derogatory term meant to make fun of couples seeking a "hot bi babe" to fulfill their fantasy wish list.
Click to expand...

Unicorn hunter is a derogatory term, but "unicorn" can be a very positive way to describe a single woman in a sexual situation. I know many respectful, sex-positive and sex savvy people who use this as a term of endearment (about others or themselves) in a knowing way. The definition of a unicorn that's passed around this forum is pretty strict, limited and not reflective of the breadth of how the word is actually used.
 
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FallenAngelina said:
Unicorn hunter is a derogatory term, but "unicorn" can be a very positive way to describe a single woman in a sexual situation. I know many respectful, sex-positive and sex savvy people who use this as a term of endearment (about others or themselves) in a knowing way...
Click to expand...

"Knowing way?" Knowing what? Are you proud to call yourself a unicorn to your couple, too? With all the negative accretions of being a brainless bimbo who is the disempowered second-class sex toy for a predator couple, you (or your "knowing" friends) are comfortable with that?

What is a "positive and respectful and 'sex savvy' " unicorn like?
 
Magdlyn said:
.... a brainless bimbo who is the disempowered second-class sex toy for a predator couple..
Click to expand...

Again, this is just one way to use the word. There are lots words for people that can be taken several ways, depending on context, starting with the N word going on down to "pal." People use "unicorn" is many more ways than the one narrow definition that you've just referenced.
 
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I've heard unicorn used (by teen/young adult males) to describe a hot girl they really like but consider unattainable. I wouldn't consider that derogatory. My teen daughter has used it, too, but I only caught it in passing and didn't catch the meaning....poly isn't on her radar so I doubt she used it in the context it's used here.
 
Here are a few definitions from the Urban Dictionary, which reflects how terms are popularly used. The "disempowered brainless bimbo" definition is one, but there are many more - 20 pages more and only one definition is derogatory.


"An empowered and confidant individual, usual female, who joins couples for activities, usually sexual, and/or dating"

"A person who seems mythically beautiful and unattainable."

"A unicorn is somebody who knows they're magical and isn't afraid to show it."

To unicorn - v. -
"The act of joining a couple for healthy, happy, mutually satisfying activities, usually sexual."
 
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Urban Dictionary... pfft. Anybody can contribute to that.

I am well aware of what the term means. Phrases about chasing/hunting/seeking unicorns have been used for ages -- well before polyamorists co-opted the term -- in literature, poetry, and common parlance. In contemporary language, the term is used in finance, politics, sales, and technology, among others. Just doing a Google search, I came across such sentences as:
  • SALES: "Stop chasing unicorns and learn to let unqualified leads go." (translation: Don't go after a customer who clearly will not buy)
  • POLITICS: "Citizens worldwide should demand that their leaders stop chasing unicorns..." (translation: Our leaders are wasting time pursuing something that cannot be achieved)
  • FINANCE: "The hard truth is that when we employ the idea of the Unicorn as a heuristic to inspire, guide, and shape our limited, priceless effort, imagination, time, and creativity, we are simply limiting ourselves to seeking magic over meaning, convenience over rebellion, riches over worthiness, myopia over a point: all that is the textbook definition of settling for mediocrity." (translation not necessary)
Going very far back, at least to ancient Greece and Rome, people believed not only that unicorns existed and were magical, but they would bring riches and great luck to whoever could capture one. In Medieval times, and especially the Renaissance, the myth became extremely popular and somehow grew to include the very strange idea that the only way to capture a unicorn was to tie a naked virgin woman to a tree as bait. Pity the poor virgins who were brought out to the forest and used that way!

The idea of chasing after unicorns has ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS meant the pursuit of something is ultimately unattainable! Why? Because, as we all know, unicorns do not exist! The magical unicorn is a metaphor for a crazy, impossible dream held aloft as a goal. Polyamorist communities that were suddenly flooded with naive newbies who saw magic in the idea that they could find a hot, single, bisexual woman to move in with them, spice up their sex lives, and fall in love with both of them equally (while also being available to do housework and babysitting), started hurling the name "unicorn hunter" at them, to make fun of them AND hopefully open their eyes to their unrealistic pursuits. Just because a single bi woman enjoys being in a relationship with a couple does not mean she is a unicorn. Member AnnabelMore has written here about how much she enjoys the energy of being with a couple, and yet even she has has recommended that people read David Noble's article, "So Somebody Called You a Unicorn Hunter." She, I am sure, would not want to be called a unicorn.

In my opinion, anyone who uses the phrase and thinks it is a cute term of endearment is ignoring what this rather common expression actually means. Calling oneself a unicorn is ridiculous. Repeat after me: unicorns do not exist, unicorns do not exist...
 
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I have to agree with FallenAngelina. I do use the term "unicorn hunters" in a derogatory manner, but I know women who refer to themselves as unicorns. None of them are mindless bimbos. One has even joked that a couple found their unicorn and didn't know what to do with her. So yeah, there are women out there who like that role. They are aware of what they are getting into.
 
Thanks

I appreciate all the replies and different point of views, I was away finishing my studies. Thank you all for your wisdom. With that being said, I will continue to use the term "unicorn". I like it :)
I will keep an open mind, as I already have to look at all perspectives and hopefully will have sound mind in the matter of whichever dynamic I am able to experience.
**Stay Positive**
Kay
 
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