New, want it to work, but struggling at times

RobertCourage said:
Sorry to hear about your divorce. It makes me sad when I hear from people that it just didn't work out. I am still quite concerned this won't work for me either but I am just living day to day for now. If it comes to divorce I will have to figure out that next chapter if my life.
Click to expand...

Thanks, Robert. Just so you know, it wasn't poly that made my ex and me part ways, we had many issues we couldn't see eye to eye on.
 
I don't really have much useful to say, but I'm following your thread and... I dunno, thinking supportive thoughts. You're a good guy, RC. Hang in there.
 
You are all too nice! I think I may be blushing. lol. I really appreciate all the positive thoughts. I am not a New Age, religious type of person, but I have recently realized how powerful it can be to just think positive.

I will try to not get steamrolled. It's a delicate balance I have to strike. I will never be happy with the situation. That's just a fact. The question is, can I tolerate the situation so that I can be happy with the other parts of my life? That's what I am working through. I will take some unhappiness if it gets my kids the family life I think they deserve.

My friend calls me a martyr. Maybe she's right, but I really don't mind sacrifice if I get something out of it.

It's the first week back to my 'normal' schedule, so we are still in the learning mode. I am guessing the weekend will be challenging. I really think transition points are a big challenge for her and me. Leaving for work for a few days is hard. Then it stabilizes. Then I come home to an uncertain situation, which is another hard transition. Then hopefully that stabilizes. Then she sees him, and has to come home to real life. Yet another hard transition. So I am learning how to work through those transitions so they can be smooth. But that will only come with experience. That's part of the hard work.

She went to her counselor today. I wonder how that went. Session number 2, so not expecting much, but I hope it's helping her.

Thanks again.
 
RobertCourage said:
I will try to not get steamrolled. It's a delicate balance I have to strike. I will never be happy with the situation. That's just a fact. The question is, can I tolerate the situation so that I can be happy with the other parts of my life? That's what I am working through. I will take some unhappiness if it gets my kids the family life I think they deserve. My friend calls me a martyr. Maybe she's right, but I really don't mind sacrifice if I get something out of it.
Click to expand...

This part worries me. On the one hand, I think it's pretty early to tell that you will never be happy with something (but then, that's because I try and avoid always/never/all/nothing statements in general), so I think it'd possibly be rash to make a decision based on that right now. On the other hand, I don't think that tolerating a situation you're not happy with for your kids is a healthy solution long term. Kids pick up on it when parents are unhappy.

Pay attention to that. Don't stay a martyr forever. You don't have to make an all-or-nothing decision right now, but don't sacrifice your happiness long term for someone else. I do think there are periods in relationships where one person is less happy than the other, and even times when one person puts the other's happiness ahead of their own, but it should balance out. It should be give and take.
 
RobertCourage said:
I will never be happy with the situation. That's just a fact. The question is, can I tolerate the situation so that I can be happy with the other parts of my life? I will take some unhappiness if it gets my kids the family life I think they deserve. My friend calls me a martyr.
Click to expand...

Vix: I think what he was saying here is that he thinks he might be able to adapt. There are lots of things in our life that happen that we are never "happy" about, but we can learn to adapt and find our happiness in different ways.

For example, my husband shattered his wrist and required surgery to repair it. He lost 30% of his range of motion and has pretty bad arthritis now. He was in a very physical job and it took him over a year to gain back some strength and truly re-learn how to use his hand as it is now. He would never say that he's happy about it, but it also no longer makes him miserable (except when the weather changes drastically) and therefore he can still be happy in his life.
 
That makes sense, too. (Maybe I should preface or end my posts with something like, "I'm a newbie, so take my words with a grain of salt!" :p)

Still, though, I wouldn't want my relationship with my partner to be like a disability that he learned to live with. That seems like more negative than positive, and I have this idea that a good relationship is supposed to be at least as much positive as negative.
 
vixtresses said:
Still, though. I wouldn't want my relationship with my partner to be like a disability that he learned to live with. That seems like more negative than positive, and I have this idea that a good relationship is supposed to be at least as much positive as negative.
Click to expand...

True, but I think it's a common struggle especially (from what I've read) in mono/poly relationships. For that matter, a lot of mono marriages, as well. :p
 
SNeacail said:
True, but I think it's a common struggle especially (from what I've read) in mono/poly relationships. For that matter, a lot of mono marriages, as well.
Click to expand...

Oh, I agree. I guess it was the permanence of it. It just sounded like a forever thing that he was resigning himself to. I think that a struggle is normal, but it should get easier later, right? I hope?
 
Okay, let me see if I can help here.

First, I think that any advice I get here has to be internalized by me and I can then figure out what I want to do with it. That's my responsibility. So you should never feel that you need to preface your comments as a 'newbie.' All the advice I get here is appreciated and used as part of my process of dealing with this.

Next, the permanence topic. I do think it's a very safe bet that I will never be happy with my wife loving someone else. I know myself well enough to say this.

Next, the equity issue. I agree that when you add it all up, all parties in a relationship should feel like they got their fair shake. I am hoping that if I don't leave her, and we continue down this path, that we will settle into an equitable situation. If not, then it won't work. I fully expect ups and downs. And I also told her that I reserve the right to, at some point, begin practicing polyamory myself. I wouldn't do it with revenge as a motivation. I would do it to fulfill my own emotional needs.

I hope all that explanation helps. Thanks.
 
Sometimes art captures a feeling better than you can articulate it yourself. Was listening to music and this song came on. It captures how I feel and how I fear sometimes that I am fighting a losing battle. To be sure I am giving credit and not breaking copyright laws, the artist is Within Tempation. Enjoy.

"Lost"

My hope is on fire
My dreams are for sale
I dance on a wire
I don't want to fail her

I walk against the stream
Far from what I believe in
I run towards towards the end
Trying not to give in

She's lost in the darkness
Fading away
I'm still around here
Screaming her name
She's haunting my dreamworld
Trying to survive
My heart is frozen
I'm losing my mind

Help me, I'm buried alive
Buried alive

I'm burning the bridges
And there's no return
I'm trying to reach her
I feel that she yearns

I walk against the stream
Far from what I believe in
I run towards towards the end
Trying not to give in

She's lost in the darkness
Fading away
I'm still around here
Screaming her name
She's haunting my dreamworld
Trying to survive
My heart is frozen
I'm losing my mind

Help me, I'm buried alive
Buried alive

I tried to revive what's already drowned
They think I'm a fool
Can't realise,
Hope plays a wicked game with the mind
'Cause I thought that love would bind
I cannot revive what's already drowned
She won't come around

She's lost in the darkness
Fading away
I'm still around here
Screaming her name
She's haunting my dreamworld
Trying to survive
My heart is frozen
I'm losing my mind

Help me, I'm buried alive
Buried alive
 
I'm glad you're telling your story. It helps me see things from the male side. Good luck.
 
Her mood this morning is good. She seems to be genuinely happy to see me and is treating me quite nicely She also spent a lot of quality time with the kids this week and everyone seems happy.

(I am knocking on wood now. I feel like I shouldn't be saying all this cuz it will all go to shit!)

I thanked her for being so nice to me this morning and she genuinely said she missed me and she loves me.

If the rest of the weekend stays this way, maybe my stress level and blood pressure will stay manageable. Every day is a new challenge and I continue to keep a short-term focus. One day at a time...

Thanks to all who support me. I will keep everyone posted, as it appears that sharing my story is helpful to others. It makes me feel good to help other people however I can.

Enjoy your day. Going to be crazy hot here today!
 
Hey, jrr. Thanks for the note. Sorry you're not in a good place. My journey changes every day. Ups and downs. Hopefully you can find an upward swing and have at least one good day. Hang in there. This shit is hard.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top