New, want it to work, but struggling at times

I think that he will drop her as well. My cousin's husband had a 20 yr affair and as soon as he left her for the other woman, that woman dumped him.
 
She will never be happy, so I am better off without her. I would not be surprised if he dumps her, too. She texted him non-stop all day yesterday. Then she sent one text after our fight and no response. No phone call either. Not a good sign for her.

I hope she feels some pain, because I have never felt so much pain.
 
*hugs* I know that words and internet hugs aren't going to help, but I wish you happiness at the end of this, once you have had time to grieve.
 
Thanks again to all who sent their support to me.

The latest update is that Trent has not responded to any of her communications. So to all who predicted he would disappear after she told him we were separated, you were right.

Now for the weird part. I feel bad for her. She is heartbroken that he is not responding to her. And I actually understand. It's not like they had a long talk and decided to break it off. He texted and said, 'I don't want anything to do with breaking up your marriage' and then disappeared. I know he is trying to do the right thing by breaking it off. But I do think she deserved more from him than that. I guess I am not an evil bastard after all. To see her so sad really makes me sad, too.

So on top of figuring out our relationship we have this to deal with. So complex. But in a strange way, it has opened the level of communications between us as we sort through our next steps.
 
Wow, how wise are some of our experienced members, to have predicted that.

This all kind of reminds me of a dozen Hollywood movies, where a soldier goes off to war, or some premise, asking his best buddy (who isn't deemed able for the war) to "watch out for my wife." And then the wife and best bud fall in love. Then the soldier is thought to be killed in the line of duty, so the widow and buddy get married. But then, surprise! The soldier isn't dead after all, comes home and...

Then what?
 
I don't think anybody here thought you were an evil bastard for a second.

With Trent out of the picture, it might be a good time to think about NYCindie's advice some pages back about The Healing Separation.
 
RobertCourage said:
Trent has not responded to any of her communications. So to all who predicted he would disappear after she told him we were separated, you were right.

I feel bad for her. She is heartbroken that he is not responding to her. It's not like they had a long talk and decided to break it off. He texted and said 'I don't want anything tondo with breaking up your marriage' and then disappeared. I know he is trying to do the right thing by breaking it off... I guess I am not an evil bastard after all.

So on top of figuring out our relationship we have this to deal with... it has opened the level of communications between us.
Click to expand...

I agree that I don't think anybody thought you were an evil bastard. It was a tough experience and I think you did your best to work through issues and try to do the best you could.

And of course you feel bad for her. You still care about her. I hope the renewed open communication helps you two sort through all you need to figure out.
 
hehe hell no, and I "sure like the bone."
 
I posted too soon. She got a response via text that simply said 'hello'. So my guess is that he wants to do the right thing and not be the guy who broke us up. But he also wants her. So he is struggling with how to reconcile those emotions. Will be interesting to see how this plays out. She is focusing on herself for now (good thing I think) and has learned a little about their relationship through this. Stay tuned. Maybe i will write a screenplay from all this drama.
 
I hope that this helps her to see how wonderful you are. I wish you luck while you guys sort through things and that you are both happy in the end as well as the kids. We have a new potential so we shall see what happens over the next couple of days. [Staying tuned]
 
I think Einstein said insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I think I am insane. Here is where we are. She has realized that I am really her friend and the person she loves and wants to be with. I think right now she believes that. Of course this may change. She's also realized that Trent is not a relationship kind of guy. He is too immature to deal with that. But she does enjoy the fun of having sex with him. So she wants to keep seeing him (but only when I travel, not when I am home). And she only wants sex and easygoing fun. And she says she will never make me feel like I am not the priority, that she was stupid and made a mistake.

So I get to keep traveling and doing my job. She gets fun during the week. I come home to a happy wife who sees me in a better light, and we don't have to break up the family and the marriage. Isn't this where I started? Lol.

So I am the insane person who wants to try again, with one assumed difference-- that she has the capacity to be honest. I also told her that if she wanted to do this, that I want to re-establish contact with my female friend who I was talking to about all this. She is not a fan of that idea. lol. So we will see what happens there.
 
Well, you have come full circle. Let's see how it goes this time. I really hope that she means what she says and that you can be happy as you deserve. I think that if you can compromise with her having sex with Trent and whatnot, that she should be able to do the same with you talking to your friend.
 
So essentially you are not together as a couple except on paper, each get to fuck other people, and smile sweetly at each other? That isn't full circle, it seems to me.

Just a heads-up here. I am wondering if you have read any other threads here. Relationships that are struggling don't have the best results when another person is added. Not to mention it is really kinda mean to bring someone in who doesn't fully understand that there is shit hitting the fan and they are just a nice little distraction to the bigger issue that the marriage is falling apart. That person, more often than not, becomes the fall out person and gets hurt along the way. Is that where this is going, do you think?

I am predicting, perhaps wrongly, but here it goes, that you will become intimately involved with this other woman. Fall in love, be NRE crazy all over her, get some needs met around being touched, loved, respected, cared for, cherished, etc., etc., be head over heels, while your wife continues to fuck this guy 'cause it's fun.

I suspect that your wife will lose it! I suspect that she will struggle seeing you so happy, when her world was so perfect with you going off to work to pay he bills and take care of her while she stays at home fucking Trent. I suspect that she will not like you taking on your own life at the expense of hers.

Of course I could be wrong. :p I look forward to finding out if I am.

I'm just gonna tell it like it is here, take it or leave it. I think that you all need to drop Trent, who is now seen (as was seen pretty obviously at the beginning) as not being worth the effort, except for sex, and get about fixing what you have made out of your marriage.

I think she needs to get a job, or at least direct that energy she has for this guy elsewhere in her life that is of value and that boosts her interest and enthusiasm for life, and her self esteem. I think she needs to think about why she is so bored with her life that she needs to have a lover, rather than getting about doing something useful beyond caring for the kids.

In this day and age being a housewife isn't enough for most women. We are smart and under-utilized most of the time. What drives me crazy is we do it to ourselves by thinking, "Wouldn't it be fun to stay at home with the kids? Oh, such an easy life. La la la." Well, it isn't really, because boredom sets in, and women start going crazy with it. Instead of changing their lives so as to be less bored, they do things like have crazy sex while their husbands are away, only to feel as empty as they did before, and on top of that, foolish.

I have a strong opinion here. Well, I know something about this. I said that already, didn't I?
 
Well, Redpepper, I was thinking the same thing, but you put it in such better detail than I would have. And I didn't see any typos! But it's early & I haven't had coffee yet.
 
Thanks for the very pointed feedback. I can say that we have taken action regarding her job. She has a part time job now. She is not thrilled with the job and I am helping her with her search for something more rewarding. She may end up back in school (looking into this now).

So it's not all about Trent and me and sex. It's about her search for happiness and meaning in her life, now that she has spent so much time as a mom. I totally support her in that. And she is turning optimistic now that she sees that I am there for her in her search. So the picture to me isn't so grim. The crappy part is that she thought that she could not expect my support as she tried to change. That's partly my fault for being the same old husband for so long. She assumed the worst and acted accordingly. I think she now sees that if she is fair and honest, I actually might be helpful. And her optimism is making everyone around her feel better, which in turn makes her feel better. What a great cycle that can become. Finally a chance for all the pessimism to turn positive.

I know all this can change at any moment. I am still not taking a long view. Taking small steps day by day.

Thanks again. All your insights are very helpful. :)
 
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