New with so many questions

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OnceMoreWithFeeling

New member
Hi everyone! New, obviously. So little bit about my situation. My fiance and I are due to get married rather soon. I love him dearly and we have been together for 8 years, been through a lot together. Lately Ive been semi satisfied sexually and toying with the idea of a multiple partner situation. Mainly because I have expressed some of my needs to my partner and he seems less then thrilled with them, which I respect (was a bit let down, but we all have our limits). I gave him a complete pass for his recent bachelor party and was fine, but idk how or when to even start this conversation with him. So, thats me. How did you feel with this information about yourself and bring it to light if you were already in a monogamous relationship?
 
Greetings OnceMoreWithFeeling,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

If you can, I am inclined to advise you to tell your fiancé about your polyness before you get married. This would be to give him the opportunity to decide whether to continue with the marriage with the polyamorousness. True there's a chance he would cancel the marriage, but that is better than having a marriage where you end up resenting him, or he ends up resenting you. Telling the truth can be hard, but it's usually for the best. It's better to tell the whole truth ahead of time, so you can both make informed decisions.

I did not have that opportunity, I did not realize I wanted to be poly until well after I was married. It definitely made things harder, I would rather have told my wife about that before we got married, so that she could have made an informed decision at that time. Sometimes you just have to adapt to the current circumstances, and do the best you can.

Hopefully Polyamory.com can help you in your journey.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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Welcome aboard!
 
Hon, whether you are gay or bi or poly or a closet addictive stamp collector you have to be honest with your partner. VERY good of you to broach the subject. Well done.

So he shot you down quickly, and it was a let down for you. Be understanding that you have been thinking about it, anticipating, hoping for, and it was sudden for him. Something pretty weighty, sprung like that, can motivate defensiveness in a parther.

Logically, it is a potential threat to a relationship. So the reaction is understandable. Normal. They hope the put-down closed the door on this discussion when they uttered it.

But it lurks on inside you. So there's the problem.

I am learning a great deal from some very kind people here. I didn't know I had the capacity for poly before marriage and neither did my wife. I was her first relationship. She was very young and from a pretty traditional conservative Asian family.

So there was nothing to tell each other. She couldn't tell me "honey I want to watch you having sex with someone else". The way it all started was watching porn together and discovering we liked the same things.

So I have a great deal of empathy for people not knowing until later in life.

But once you do discover it in yourself - you have to make a decision. You have to be either one person or two, the schitzophrenic. When you wall this off from your most intimate partner, now you start living one life in your head and one life of deception with that partner.

The worst case scenario is that the one in your head grows stronger as time goes on. Because the frequency and magnitude of the deceptions increases. You have to conceal this thing. But it is getting harder.

There's a feeling you get, it is a red flag, when you are kissing or being intimate with someone and you got this thing going on in your head that you can't share with them. It's a real killjoy, it destroys arousal for you.

On the potentially good side for poly is that the sex can be better with the primary when a secondary is in the picture. It is for my wife and me. Both of us. I have to do some marathons. It's pretty funny. We laugh about it. And why not. For me, it's the rabbit being thrown into the breir patch. Oh no, not that. Help me, lol.

But the potentially bad side for you, right now, is that putting it on the table again might forestall this wedding.

I would suggest that it not be done as you are walking up the aisle, or the rehearsal day, or any other day ideally except right now. To make sure this guy gets the message. He shot the last messenger. You are telling this to him out of love and respect. The more time he has to understand this wasn't a fleeting thought, but rather a persistent one, the better.

I wouldn't say that it is going to cause confusion. You are already in a state of confusion. You are merely alerting your fiance to it.

Warm regards. Good luck.
 
Welcome.

I think if you are engaged to be married? This IS the time up to bring it up and talk. Do NOT get married without talking about this.

To me successful engagement ends in one of two ways.

  • The couple finds they are NOT deeply compatible after all and end they engagement period. They avoid the pain/cost of a wedding/divorce.
  • The couple finds they ARE deeply compatible and they move on to planning a wedding.

Being together 8 years and being through a lot together does not make you compatible for marriage. It just means you've known each other 8 years and been through stuff. Could do that with family, a friend. It is not only the domain of a spouse.

So get on with the engagement business and really have the deep compatibility talks you need to be doing at this time.

How did you feel with this information about yourself and bring it to light if you were already in a monogamous relationship?
Click to expand...

Does not apply to me. I brought it up when we started dating. I knew this about me before rather than after marriage.

In your case, I think you could say "Partner, I need to make you aware. I no longer want a monogamous relationship. I no longer want a monogamous marriage. I think we need to talk about that before the wedding so we avoid making a potential big mistake."

And just tell him how you feel. Have the conversations you need to be having.

I don't know if you are poly and/or become incompatible with partner in bed. Either way, it sounds like you want to be able to see other people and you do not want to be in a monogamous situation. So make him aware that what you want has changed.

If he's up for Open, STILL don't get married. Postpone it for at least a year, maybe more. Changing to Open would be change enough. Changing to Open + changing to married -- too many changes at once is stressful.

Galagirl
 
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OnceMoreWithFeeling said:
Hi everyone! New, obviously. So little bit about my situation. My fiance and I are due to get married rather soon. I love him dearly and we have been together for 8 years, been through a lot together. Lately Ive been semi satisfied sexually and toying with the idea of a multiple partner situation. Mainly because I have expressed some of my needs to my partner and he seems less then thrilled with them, which I respect (was a bit let down, but we all have our limits). I gave him a complete pass for his recent bachelor party and was fine, but idk how or when to even start this conversation with him. So, thats me. How did you feel with this information about yourself and bring it to light if you were already in a monogamous relationship?
Click to expand...

I feel badly for you that you're about to "put a ring on it" and yet you're dissatisfied sexually. Surely, one's sex life with one's mono partner can have its up and downs over the long haul.

I was married and mono for 30 years. My (now ex)husband and I had 4 honeymoon periods, when we first met, our actual honeymoon, another one when our 3 kids got older and more independent and less needy, and a final one just before we broke up, believe it or not.

Anyway. What has brought on your dissatisfaction? Is sex now routine, less frequent, same old position in the same old bed?

Are you sure you need other partners, or could "dating" your fiance again help? Go on romantic dates. Don't just crash out in front of the TV. Go out on a day trip. Explore something you never did before. Take a nice vacation together. Or conversely, take separate vacations. This actually works to bond you more!

Is this feeling of wanting variety in sex partners something new? Or is it something you've always craved? Can you talk to your fiance about other attractive people you see or meet? Can he talk to you about his attractions to others? Not to actually fuck someone. Just to talk about noticing someone hot, or awesome.

Are there some sexual or kink things you want to do that fiance absolutley has a hard limit around? Some couples do Open, or split up, when one of them develops a desire for BDSM play.

Maybe you want to be dominated, but your fiance is not the Dom type? Or you want to Domme but he's not interested in subbing to you?

I could ask more questions, but hopefully you get my drift.

Also, I see a little tit for tat attitude around his bachelor party. I'm guessing there were dancer,s sex workers, naughty shenanigans? And you were OK with that. But he's not OK with YOU wanting some naughty shenanigans, with him, much less with others. Hmph! Doesn't seem fair.

Do you need variety of partners, absolutely, or do you just need more and different sex, romance, adventure, or maybe kink, with your fiance?
 
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