New world to me

[havenforus]

Hi all, I'm really happy I found this forum because I'm feeling like I'm on a whole new planet right now and could use guidance, although what I'm feeling seems to be the norm.

I am a bisexual cis married woman and my husband is a hetero cis man. We've been married 2 years and together for 3. Within the last month we've been discussing polyamory and have decided to open up our marriage to the idea. Polyamory has been brought up in our relationship for the length of it, and I've recently fallen in love with a LD friend.

My feelings were causing me angst because I wanted to be open about loving multiple partners, so I anxiously told my husband I wanted to try polyamory, who was pleased I brought it up, as he was concerned that if he ever brought it up, I would assume he was simply attempting to find a way to sleep around.

I've since been open about my feelings for my LD friend and that I will be sharing with him knowledge of my polyamory in hopes he wouldn't be afraid to share his feelings with me, and so far it's worked out, and my LD friend has become my LDR.

I still feel some feelings of guilt, mostly because I was the one to bring up polyamory, I was already feeling love for someone before we agreed to it and while it is now OK that I do feel what I feel, I still feel guilt for allowing myself to grow feelings prior to the agreement of polyamory.

I am also struggling to find balance of how transparent can I be with my husband so he doesn't feel neglected, but also not lied to? When I talk to my LDR, do I tell my husband about each time we talk? I may be seeing my LDR face-to-face since becoming polyamorous and I've told my husband I may sleep with my LDR, which he says we'll deal with when it comes.

I feel like my husband and I are still unsure how we feel about everything, and I feel bad that I have a new relationship and he doesn't. I don't think he'd leave me, but I also don't want to deny myself happiness, nor him happiness.

Is this normal? To not know what the heck is going on? I feel like I'm just winging it at this point.

Some notes about my LDR and my marriage:
Started developing feelings for my LDR around the beginning of April, discussed polyamory with husband mid April. I told my husband about my feelings for my LDR mid May, and now looking to physically and sexually be with LDR hopefully the beginning of July.

 

[vinsanity0]

I think it's a mistake to just wing it. You need to follow up instead of just wondering what he meant or what he is comfortable with. Ask him how much he needs to know. I can't imagine having to relay each time I spoke with someone. I've never even needed to know when she went out. It would only come up in regular conversation (What did you do last night? Went out with so-and-so.)

What is meant by deal with it when it happens? He needs to be okay with it before it happens. Otherwise he might just say he is not okay with it and want to shut it down. Then what?

 

[Al99]

Hi havenforus - and welcome to the forum! We do have number of experienced poly folks here who are generally friendly and helpful so do not hesitate to post your specific questions and thoughts - you are certain to receive some responses.

My feelings were causing me angst because I wanted to be open about loving multiple partners, so I anxiously told my husband I wanted to try polyamory, who was pleased I brought it up, as he was concerned that if he ever brought it up, I would assume he was simply attempting to find a way to sleep around.

Your husband's positive reception to the idea of poly is a great way to get started - many of the situations we see here on the forum involve one spouse wanting to open the marriage, with the other spouse being taken completely by surprise The surprised spouse may often be very much opposed to the idea, or may reluctantly agree because they love their spouse, but then really struggle with the acceptance. My wife's request to open our marriage about 18 months ago took me completely by surprise and I was not excited by the idea - but after a great deal of study and processing, I ultimately agreed to give it a try. Now we both have other partners in our lives (fully story in sig link below).

I still feel some feelings of guilt, mostly because I was the one to bring up polyamory, I was already feeling love for someone before we agreed to it and while it is now OK that I do feel what I feel, I still feel guilt for allowing myself to grow feelings prior to the agreement of polyamory.

Feelings happen - and the truth is (and I suspect most would agree, at least here anyway) that almost everyone in modern western society experiences the situation in which they feel romantic love for more than one person at the same time - at least by middle age. The critical point is whether those feelings are acted upon - or not. And that is where the monogamists and polyamorists diverge. I would suggest that you did the ethical thing by discussing it with our husband before acting upon it (- although a staunch monogamist from a fundamentalist religion might argue that you should have avoided any contact that would have allowed it, I believe that most of us can safely ignore that viewpoint.)

I am also struggling to find balance of how transparent can I be with my husband so he doesn't feel neglected, but also not lied to? When I talk to my LDR, do I tell my husband about each time we talk? I may be seeing my LDR face-to-face since becoming polyamorous and I've told my husband I may sleep with my LDR, which he says we'll deal with when it comes.

Open communication and negotiation with your husband - and a lot of it. When opening a marriage to polyamory, the boundaries are whatever you negotiate - however, please keep it in mind that you are fair to your other partners as well, and they are not treated as less important because of your rules (here, we get into the "ethics of poly"). So your spouse may be "primary" because your are legally married, own a home together, have bills and assets together, have kids, family, etc - but that doesn't mean you love your other partner any less.

As to when the time comes for you to be intimate with your other partner for the first time, that will likely be a tough time for your husband. Make sure he plans lots of distraction. Best of all would be a date of his own - but easier said than done. So maybe he could visit friends or family, plan a special weekend of some sort for himself. 3 D's for such occasions - Discuss well before hand, including intimacy if appropriate, Distraction for the spouse staying home, "Do" it when you return - be intimate and reconnect. Some couples enjoy the added sexual energy that can be generated by another partner - others do not - matter of preference. But if sharing details with your spouse of your adventures with your partner, make sure your partner is ok with you sharing (to be ethical).

It will be easier when your husband also has a partner, but the experience often discussed here is that it is usually more difficult for the poly husband to find a poly partner (women often think they are simply cheating and using supposed poly as a cover). But certainly not impossible - takes some patience, and some do get lucky right away.

Hope this helps - I'm sure some of our other folks will have some input as well. Best of luck on your new poly journey! Al

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings havenforus,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I think you are doing a pretty good job on poly so far ... I don't think you need to tell your husband about each time you talk to your LDR. Take it slow, and talk a lot with your husband (and your LDR) along the way. I know you did not tell your husband right away about your feelings for your LDR, but it seems to me that things have worked out in that area. The only bump in the road I see is when you sleep with your LDR. Your husband is putting off dealing with that issue, which makes me somewhat nervous. However he is not saying no, so that is a good sign. Perhaps if you bring it up from time to time, that will encourage him to deal with it.

Poly is a huge world, and a steep learning curve. I encourage you to keep posting on this forum, and let us know how things are going for you, so that we may offer you updated advice. It's good to have you here.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[lunabunny]

Hi, and welcome to the forum.

I don't think it's necessary, or even desirable, to tell your husband each and every time to you talk to your new partner. (You probably message/chat with him several times a day already.)

I DO think it's vital that you disclose anything of significance that may have been discussed with the new guy, such as plans for a future visit, the results of testing, if any major change is looming on the horizon, etc.

As Vinsanity said, you should ASK your husband how much he is comfortable hearing/knowing and what sort of things he expects you to inform him of.

 

[Ravenscroft]

Oh... dear.

This all really needs to be parsed out. Unlike others here, I can't encourage you to leap blindly in, because you're begging for melodrama that will produce deep changes in your marriage & likely cause longterm damage. I'm unusual in that I don't like to see people walk blindly into pain.

At root, you are getting set to get laid by an interesting stranger. That's the truth of it. And there's nothing particularly wrong with that, so long as you fully accept your own intent, & personal responsibility for what happens.

Everything else is fantasy. Most relevant here, it's not "polyamory" until you KNOW you have the capabilities to make it work. That takes experience, which I gather none of you has.

 

[New2Pol]

Hello

I am also new so I don't pretend to be an expert but I would say give it some time to settle in and keep on caring for both of them. Maybe very once in a while check how everyone is feeling and whether they want more or less disclosure. Again, I am new so I also am having some of these feeling that you are having, so don't take my advice to the bank.

 

[Magdlyn]

Oh... dear.

This all really needs to be parsed out. Unlike others here, I can't encourage you to leap blindly in, because you're begging for melodrama that will produce deep changes in your marriage & likely cause longterm damage. I'm unusual in that I don't like to see people walk blindly into pain.

At root, you are getting set to get laid by an interesting stranger. That's the truth of it. And there's nothing particularly wrong with that, so long as you fully accept your own intent, & personal responsibility for what happens.

Everything else is fantasy. Most relevant here, it's not "polyamory" until you KNOW you have the capabilities to make it work. That takes experience, which I gather none of you has.

Just for the OP's benefit, I'd note this particular perspective and advice is very bitter and unusual.

I do agree you shouldn't go your husband's expected route of "dealing with it when it happens" -- the sex with your LDR guy.

Read up, a lot! Read the More Than Two website and book, hopefully together, for starters. There are many common mistakes and pitfalls when opening a formerly mono relationship that you can hopefully be ready for and maybe even avoid.

Many people love the book Opening Up, also.

And read around this forum of course. You'll see many many people dealing with similar situations, sometimes well, sometimes disastrously.

 

[Ravenscroft]

If living with a lack of blind "faith" that everything will be just peachy so long we all clap for Tinkerbell is bitter, then I'll accept it -- though you need to find a better dictionary.

Of the many descriptions of "what polyamory is," I have yet to find even ONE that pushes airheaded optimism.

Sites such as this are rife with advice encouraging inexperienced people to leap into situations feet first -- or perhaps rather lead with their face -- then when it all goes bad, lard them with "sympathy" & analyze their errors... which had until then not been brought up as even possible.

The fact is that noobs often DO NEED much hand-holding -- & more than a few warnings to NOT touch the third rail. Look at how many wash up here, all starry-eyed & ready to leap into "poly" even though they've only had one intimate relationship in their entire life so have little-to-no experience at casual dating, getting to know someone who might, eventually be worthy of ongoing intimacy. They might WANT to "try poly," but the fact is they're still swaddled in Monogamism. Without a lifeguard nearby, they're likely to get all swept up in NRE, significantly downgrade their spouse, severely damage (maybe destroy) their marriage, wreck their lives, etc., for a wild weekend with someone who never picks up their calls afterward.

In the present case, I'm seeing three highly inexperienced people. The dyad at the center -- according to the teller, at least -- is optimistic at every turn, & this is starting to weird out the OP --

Is this normal? To not know what the heck is going on? I feel like I'm just winging it at this point.

As a minority opinion hereabouts, I refuse to encourage havenforus to DOUBT her gut intuition. She clearly feels that something isn't quite right here, & most advice is steering her away from that worry.

So, if I have to, I'll be the lone Adult in the room & ask her to sit with her doubts, to look at her situation from various angles, to understand the risks (not merely "accept" some vague list), & to stop at ANY point if there's ANY nagging doubt.

For starters, the OP was already "in love with a LD friend" when "poly" was introduced as an imperative. Not a red flag, but certainly a yellow. When that script appears in the context of "the poly bomb," the consensus is usually that it's NOT a good idea to use "poly" as an excuse to solve a potentially awkward situation, to say, "hey, honey, you know that poly stuff we talked about a few years back, well since we love each other sooooooo much maybe NOW is a good time to find others to date" while not mentioning there's a candidate parked in the driveway with the engine running. The hot date "waiting in the wings" at least calls motivation to question, & probably communication & empathy as well.

 

[GalaGirl]

Welcome.

I don't know if it would help you any but FWIW, another person's POV.

Polyamory has been brought up in our relationship for the length of it, and I've recently fallen in love with a LD friend.

It sounds like you talked about it throughout the relationship/marriage. It sounds like you spoke up about it pretty quick. What about that approach is "bad" to you?

I still feel some feelings of guilt, mostly because I was the one to bring up polyamory, I was already feeling love for someone before we agreed to it and while it is now OK that I do feel what I feel, I still feel guilt for allowing myself to grow feelings prior to the agreement of polyamory.

What do you need to make peace with this? What is wrong with talking to spouse about changing agreements before taking any action? You prefer going another way?

Is the upset from from the speed? Are you caught up in New Relationships Energy (NRE) and worried you aren't thinking right?

I am also struggling to find balance of how transparent can I be with my husband so he doesn't feel neglected, but also not lied to?

Have you asked him what he thinks is "news" and how often he wants to hear it?

And do you have support systems outside of husband -- friends, family, forums, etc?

Have you guys disentangled enough?

What about four year itch? This isn't that, right?

I may be seeing my LDR face-to-face since becoming polyamorous and I've told my husband I may sleep with my LDR, which he says we'll deal with when it comes.

Have you met the LDR friend in person before? Or would this be the first time?

Could any of these help you in having those talks with husband?

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

I feel like my husband and I are still unsure how we feel about everything, and I feel bad that I have a new relationship and he doesn't. I don't think he'd leave me, but I also don't want to deny myself happiness, nor him happiness.

Why do you feel bad you have a new potential and he doesn't?

It is "even" in the sense that you guys agreed to Open and you both have the opportunity to see other people.

How that unfolds? It's not like you guys will be guaranteed to be "even" in outcome. Say this LDR doesn't pan out in the end. And in that time, husband finds someone to date. Then the tables are turned. It would him with with more than one partner and you with one partner. People are not like cookies where you get a cookie and husband gets a cookie and you can make it be "even" like that.

In the journey you also might find you have one set of skills -- how to be a hinge, the "shared sweetie."

You might find you don't have another set of skills -- how to be a metamour. Which is how to deal with your partner being the hinge person in the V and you being one of the "V arm people" and learning to share your partner's times and attention where before as the married spouse you kinda had "first dibs" on all of it.

Is this normal? To not know what the heck is going on? I feel like I'm just winging it at this point.

Change takes time to get used to. It's not set in stone but perhaps this visual aid helps. The "old normal" is gone. The "new normal" isn't quite here yet. You are living in "transitional space." Whether it goes well or goes poorly remains to be seen.

Started developing feelings for my LDR around the beginning of April, discussed polyamory with husband mid April. I told my husband about my feelings for my LDR mid May, and now looking to physically and sexually be with LDR hopefully the beginning of July.

For me that's kinda fast -- opening up a marriage and taking a new lover in the span of 8 weeks ish is a lot of changes at once. You might consider slowing down.

You could also view this as a "series of openings" rather than "Ok, all Open now, anything goes." Like go meet you LDR for a visit, and limit it to going to dinner and movies and similar. Not just leaping into sharing sex. It can wait til the next visit or longer.

I get that cel phones and computers and tools like text and Skype and whatnot can make it FEEL like you know someone really well, but not necessarily so.

Don't mistake a "we are LDR, we hardly have time in person, who knows when the next trip can be" sense of urgency for "important."

Sometimes things are

• IMPORTANT AND URGENT
• IMPORTANT, but not urgent
• Not important, but URGENT
• Not important and not urgent.

I think you could do more talks so you aren't winging it as much. Where's the fire? Why not slow some of this down?

You cannot plan EVERYTHING, but you could talk about most things. Including what to do if things don't work out. Like one of you decides to try and finds they don't like doing poly. Then what?

• Will you go back to being Closed?
• Stop dating like "no new partners" but whoever is already here remains?
• Break up and divorce?
• Something else?

Once you open Pandora's box, you cannot go back to being the same. You have to be prepared for that.

It's like a couple who chooses to be child free.

That's not the same as a couple who has children and the kids grow up and move out and then they are a couple again. That's "empty nest" -- not "always been child free." Two different experiences.

Some other reading links:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
https://www.morethantwo.com/

HTH!

Galagirl