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questioningmylife

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A couple found me in a dating app, the swiped right first, I did second. I’m recently exploring my bisexuality and I only wanted to date women on these apps.

I’ve been hanging out with them and I’m falling for them both- individually. Which I never thought was possible, so I’m glad they come as one.
Thing is they haven’t explained what it is the want or if this is casual. No sex has taken place yet, which I’m okay with. I am hoping it’s long term. I often get scared about communicating in relationships since I’ve never felt 100% safe, so how do I just bring it all up?

I’ve only been monogamous & I don’t like open relationships. I don’t want to see anyone else while I’m with them as I’m not romantically interested in solely men and girls are just as hard to date.
 
Hello questioningmylife,

I think you need to sit down with this couple and say, "Hey, I'm wondering what your intentions are here, is this casual or serious? I'm hoping it's long-term." The thing is, if it's not serious, you'd want to know that right away anyway. Then you could decide whether to keep dating this couple in light of that information.

I'd like to add, that there are a ton of couples out there who are looking for a bi woman to date. So if things don't work out with this couple, there are plenty of other possibilities out there.

Kind regards,
Kevin T.
 
A couple found me in a dating app, the swiped right first, I did second. I’m recently exploring my bisexuality and I only wanted to date women on these apps.
Click to expand...

Reflect on this. It's ok a couple found you, but if you only want to date women? Be clear about that and don't date both. It's ok to only date the lady, and like the guy as a friend and NOT date him. You are not obligated to date them both.

I’ve been hanging out with them and I’m falling for them both- individually. Which I never thought was possible, so I’m glad they come as one.
Click to expand...

They do NOT come as one. They are both individuals AND a couple. So this would be a triad if you are all going to date each other -- 3 V's stacked up together.

There was a recent thread were I posted a visual aid.

If you have only ever been monogamous... are you prepared to deal in triad dynamics? Could slow your roll. If over time a triad develops, it can happen over time. But not rush or get in over your head way at the beginning. YKWIM?

Could put a toe in the water with a V instead. The lady is the hinge with two partners -- her spouse and you. And you are just polite toward her spouse without also dating him. Again, you are NOT obligated to date both people in a couple.

I often get scared about communicating in relationships since I’ve never felt 100% safe, so how do I just bring it all up?
Click to expand...

What do you need to feel safe?

You could help CREATE the relationship safety by doing clear communication and have clear personal boundaries. Being up front with what it is you want and how you expect to be treated. Asking what each of them wants. In that way? Building trust in small steps.

Part of dating is getting to know people. So get on with getting to know each of them. Ask what they are seeking and see if it lines up or not with what you are seeking.

If not? Don't make it be a bigger deal than it is. Say you are glad to have met them, sorry it doesn't line up here, but wish them well in future. Then shake hands and call it a day. No hard feelings. Because not every person you date will be a runner.

If things sound like they could match, keep dating to get to know each one better. Enjoy the "getting to know you" time unfolding.

It's not been that long with this couple and probably good that you have not shared sex. Remember that if you do decide to date both? Group sex is NOT a requirement.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
Reflect on this. It's ok a couple found you, but if you only want to date women? Be clear about that and don't date both. It's ok to only date the lady, and like the guy as a friend and NOT date him. You are not obligated to date them both.



They do NOT come as one. They are both individuals AND a couple. So this would be a triad if you are all going to date each other -- 3 V's stacked up together.

There was a recent thread were I posted a visual aid.

If you have only ever been monogamous... are you prepared to deal in triad dynamics? Could slow your roll. If over time a triad develops, it can happen over time. But not rush or get in over your head way at the beginning. YKWIM?

Could put a toe in the water with a V instead. The lady is the hinge with two partners -- her spouse and you. And you are just polite toward her spouse without also dating him. Again, you are NOT obligated to date both people in a couple.



What do you need to feel safe?

You could help CREATE the relationship safety by doing clear communication and have clear personal boundaries. Being up front with what it is you want and how you expect to be treated. Asking what each of them wants. In that way? Building trust in small steps.

Part of dating is getting to know people. So get on with getting to know each of them. Ask what they are seeking and see if it lines up or not with what you are seeking.

If not? Don't make it be a bigger deal than it is. Say you are glad to have met them, sorry it doesn't line up here, but wish them well in future. Then shake hands and call it a day. No hard feelings. Because not every person you date will be a runner.

If things sound like they could match, keep dating to get to know each one better. Enjoy the "getting to know you" time unfolding.

It's not been that long with this couple and probably good that you have not shared sex. Remember that if you do decide to date both? Group sex is NOT a requirement.

Galagirl
Click to expand...
Hi Galagirl, thanks for your response. You’ve raised some great points for me to take away. I appreciate it.

Just to clarify somethings.

It was only after meeting them and spending time with them that I fell for them both individually. I know I’m not obligated to fall for him, but I did. I read up as much as I could on triads at the beginning.

I recognise they are 2 individuals, I mean it more in the romantic sense, not that I have to date them as a couple.

They have never made it unsafe, but I know myself, if I don’t feel safe it becomes an issue, that’s something I’m working on (with myself) daily.

No rush at all, I’m in no rush as I am the one new to this, (to poly, not just to the couple).
 
OK, so you met a couple quite recently. How long ago was it you first started to talk, and then met?

Questions to ask:

Are they open to dating as individuals?
Or are are they insisting on both dating you at once, and if it doesn't work out with one of them, you will also lose the other one?

You said you read up on triads, so maybe you read that it's common to get all in a flutter over a couple while dating, and for a sex session or two, but then find out as you get to know them better, that you're much more drawn to one or the other. You might start to fall in love with one, but only kinda like/kinda lust for the other. Or you may find you're not really attracted to one or the other after all. Or one of them may find out they really aren't all that into you. There is no guarantee of balance, and everyone being on the same page, at all.

This is where the heartache or heartbreak for all of you comes in. So, be very careful. Make sure it's OK if feeling develop asymmetrically. Find out what they'd do if one of the above scenarios occurs. Sometimes the partner for whom you don't feel as deeply can get very jealous and vindictive and controlling. People come here posting those kinds of issues and problems a couple times a week.
 
It was only after meeting them and spending time with them that I fell for them both individually. I know I’m not obligated to fall for him, but I did. I read up as much as I could on triads at the beginning.
Click to expand...

Let me clarify what I meant. It is possible to fall for someone. And still choose not to date them right now.

Like one is feelings, which we do't always pick to have. And the other is a behavior choice -- which we DO get to pick.

It sounds like you have decided to date the both of them. Is that true? Or still deciding and kinda sussing each other out?

Galagirl
 
Magdlyn said:
OK, so you met a couple quite recently. How long ago was it you first started to talk, and then met?

Questions to ask:

Are they open to dating as individuals?
Or are are they insisting on both dating you at once, and if it doesn't work out with one of them, you will also lose the other one?

You said you read up on triads, so maybe you read that it's common to get all in a flutter over a couple while dating, and for a sex session or two, but then find out as you get to know them better, that you're much more drawn to one or the other. You might start to fall in love with one, but only kinda like/kinda lust for the other. Or you may find you're not really attracted to one or the other after all. Or one of them may find out they really aren't all that into you. There is no guarantee of balance, and everyone being on the same page, at all.

This is where the heartache or heartbreak for all of you comes in. So, be very careful. Make sure it's OK if feeling develop asymmetrically. Find out what they'd do if one of the above scenarios occurs. Sometimes the partner for whom you don't feel as deeply can get very jealous and vindictive and controlling. People come here posting those kinds of issues and problems a couple times a week.
Click to expand...
Since moving to a new city, so 2 months and we’ve seen each other quite a bit.
 
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