Newbie/Advice in an MFM

[ATLNewbies97]

So we decided to pursue Poly in the last few years but have eased in with limited experiences. We both like the idea of it and support exploring. However I (Male) have a more confident personality while she is a little reserved and worried. Poly means different things to different people, while we want more of what we consider Kitchen table or solo but long term dating we also have some physical or sexual things that interest us. She found a close friend of ours that she is truly in love with and I think he is with her. There relationship is probably over 10 years of friendship to more.

So they have flirted and speak often, we have always watched and made sure it hasn’t gone to far since his half isn’t open yet. Here is the issue, we did allow a fantasy to move into reality a few weeks ago and had a threesome with him. She loved it Because it was hot and loves both of us. Which made is very comfortable and safe and loving. She admitted after it that she is in love with both of us, which I love and support. The problem is we broke an ENM rule in our mind, even though he was ok with it. For us it was open an consensual for him it is hidden and not. I get this was wrong and please know we regret the decision but it happened; live and learn.

She feels guilty about that, I feel less. We have known both of them for years (MANY). My spouse has guilt for that but also confidence issues pursing another relationship.

I have partner(s) that are ENM and tend to have no problem working to a connection quickly-ish. She needs a deep relationship and finding someone she trusts on the internet has been hard. We let the above happen because of trust between the 3 of us, albeit wrong given the 4th isn’t aware.

Besides getting over our mistake how do I help her better find someone and also find another girl for her to chat with about other things that she struggles with. She grew up conservative, loves this idea but also has some mental hiccups (Which I get).

Sorry for the long message, looking for support/guidance.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello ATLNewbies97,

It is hard to find someone right now due to complications of Covid. As for finding another girl for her to chat with, I would encourage her to join this site and engage in conversation with various girls here, she can even message someone privately and chat.

"As for where to meet poly people, if by some chance you are interested in anything alternative like Renaissance fairs, goth culture, sci-fi conventions, indie music, bdsm, or any small fringe group, you will be more likely to meet people who have at least heard of poly and are accepting of it."
-- SpaceHippieGeek, Polyamorous Percolations

Even if it's not an "alternative" type group, if there's a club or something in your area that does something she's interested in, she can always join that group and it just gives her a way to get out there and meet people. If she meets someone on a platonic level and gets to talking about poly, then they can decide how they feel about it without any "pressure to agree." Then if they do decide poly doesn't bother them too much, and some kind of romantic connection subsequently develops, she'll already have "had the poly conversation" with them.

I also wonder if you couldn't encourage her friend to tell his partner about poly, and ask them to consent to it. Just because you had one mistake with him, doesn't mean you couldn't have ethical threesomes (foursomes?) with him in the future.

I hope all your poly fantasies come true.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Token2]

This sits really badly for me. My husband and I have a no cheaters rule and whatever the previous friendship - that guy's a cheater.

It's so disrespectful to his partner - I've accidentally connected with 2 cheaters (learned after) and discovered ENM after kissing a cheater who didn't want to turn me into one because of the turmoil it causes. My experience with these 3 guys is there's a very different vibe than when it's open. 1 was just a user (not the kiss guy), but the other 2 came with hooks that were harder to extract than they should have been.

Maybe it's part of that adrenalin rush they get with a double life and secrets. That, as kiss guy explained, also comes with sorrow and pain as you cannot be the real you.

You - and your girlfriend - have put your fantasies, her crush and what if wants before the real life feelings and investment of some poor woman who deserves better from all 3 of you.

Respect and integrity needs to be at the forefront of ENM whatever its form because otherwise just drop the E.

MAYBE if his partner is asexual or something like that there's a grayzone - but it doesn't read like there's anything like that in this case.

So how do you get her over it?

Explain - it's not what polyamory or ENM is about. You may well find going down the route you did, with 2 newbies, that they prefer cheating together...

But also - she's a woman looking, not a guy. I wouldn't say I know everything about MFM dynamics but I know more than 99% of the ladies on this planet. It's not going to be hard for her unless she's treating it like a fantasy and looking for the perfect guy.

Don't believe me? Put a ladies single profile out on a few sites and see what comes up.

Sorry I don't mean to sound harsh but I really think, as the experienced person in this situation you should have steered the boat with more integrity.

Edited to add - sorry I reread and saw you both came into this at the same time, so I know understand you're only more experienced from being more comfortable... Even so...

 

[Marcus]

So they have flirted and speak often, we have always watched and made sure it hasn’t gone to far since his half isn’t open yet. Here is the issue, we did allow a fantasy to move into reality a few weeks ago and had a threesome with him. She loved it Because it was hot and loves both of us. Which made is very comfortable and safe and loving. She admitted after it that she is in love with both of us, which I love and support. The problem is we broke an ENM rule in our mind, even though he was ok with it. For us it was open an consensual for him it is hidden and not. I get this was wrong and please know we regret the decision but it happened; live and learn.

That's some pretty cold blooded shit right there. I'm curious about what dinner parties look like with you four, that must be crazy uncomfortable lol

Besides getting over our mistake how do I help her better find someone and also find another girl for her to chat with about other things that she struggles with. She grew up conservative, loves this idea but also has some mental hiccups (Which I get).

Most of us have struggles making new friends and building new relationships. It's tough to find people that you jive with on a number of levels, and the political/social environment right now makes that much more difficult.

If she is a slow burn when it comes to building relationships, dating sites might not be the way to go. If she is looking to just get to know people and gradually build intimacy with them (which is the path I recommend) then finding people with similar interests is the way I would go. Something like finding a group that is into the same type of hobby, hanging out with them doing that hobby, and building relationships. At that point if anything looks like it could spark, she can act on it.

Otherwise the most direct path would be dating sites. Personally I don't find them to be very useful, women tend to be so pissed off and disgruntled on those sites that I don't see how anyone makes connections on their. Your mileage may vary though.

 

[GalaGirl]

Sounds like two things then.

The first...

The problem is we broke an ENM rule in our mind, even though he was ok with it. For us it was open an consensual for him it is hidden and not. I get this was wrong and please know we regret the decision but it happened; live and learn.

I see you realize it was wrong to do.

Group sex is not a requirement for poly. So now that you have bumped into this... what is going to be the agreement moving forward? That any more group sex has to be consensual on ALL sides it would affect?

She feels guilty about that, I feel less. We have known both of them for years (MANY). My spouse has guilt for that but also confidence issues pursing another relationship.

So you have known this couple for many years. Problem is... now what? How to clean up the mess? Are people going to come clean with the female partner who is currently in the dark?

Or will you and your partner keep interacting with this guy and his female partner "like usual?" All while keeping the secret cheating threesome hidden from his partner? Like in cahoots with him or something?

Then the second thing...

I have partner(s) that are ENM and tend to have no problem working to a connection quickly-ish. She needs a deep relationship and finding someone she trusts on the internet has been hard. We let the above happen because of trust between the 3 of us, albeit wrong given the 4th isn’t aware.

Besides getting over our mistake how do I help her better find someone and also find another girl for her to chat with about other things that she struggles with. She grew up conservative, loves this idea but also has some mental hiccups (Which I get).

Maybe step back and reflect and ask... Is it even your job?

If she's has social skills to work on, and she has confidence to work on and whatever else... what is the appropriate amount of support from you as her partner? Cuz if you do or arrange things for her, how's she going to grow the confidence to do it herself?

And you can't be like her "dating coach." That may not be keeping appropriate personal boundaries. And her potentials may not like you all up in their dating life.

Some people are so used to having the partner or spouse be their sounding board for everything from habit that they just take those services for granted. On your end, if you have always jumped up to serve without question... it might feel weird to pause and ask questions. "Is this even my job to help you find a new dating partner? What is appropriate level support or help from me in this area? Or do I need to step back and let you solve it on your own?"

You might be willing to be a listening ear while SHE figures out her plan to address these things. That might be ok.

She could post here about her things she struggles with.

But finding someone else to date? I think that's her job. I think you might consider letting her solve that on her own. And gently tell her "I support you in this, but no. I'm not gonna find you someone to date for you."

Just because you are someone's partner? Doesn't mean you HAVE to be doing things. And I don't say this in an unkind or uncaring way. You can be kind to your partner, you can care about your partner. But some of the stuff... is just not your stuff.

Some stuff is her stuff and her stuff alone.

Some of the stuff is your stuff and your stuff alone

Some of the stuff is "our shared stuff as a couple." But not EVERYTHING has to be "our shared stuff." YKWIM?

Think about detangling and what might look like.

The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship

You’ve had hundreds of hours of discussions on what your open relationship will look like? Check!

medium.com

HTH!
Galagirl

 

[MeeraReed]

I would encourage you to use the word "we" less when describing your poly dating experiences. You are an individual, your wife is an individual. Can you separate what YOU want from what your wife wants?

Not to mention, a post with a lot of "we" usage is confusing. I can't tell if "we" always means you and your wife, or something means you, your wife, and her other male partner, or maybe sometimes his other partner too?

Like, what do you mean by "we have always watched and made sure it hasn't gone too far"? Who is "we" in that sentence.

The biggest mistake poly newbies make is thinking of themselves as a "we" unit when really they are two individuals who will have differing feelings, desires, and relationships.

 

[kdt26417]

The OP requested that we (the mods) delete this thread. For the sake of others who have posted here, we have instead locked the thread, and it will recede into the archives.