I'm not completely surprised by the news that my boyfriend is expressing a need for a change in our relationship, but I still don't know what to do.
He originally told me he was interested in polyamory and I said in theory I could see that working and I'd let him know if the relationship meet my needs as things progressed. About 3 weeks in he decided to be mono with me and we never really talked about it again. We have only been dating 9 months, and he and my two kids (7&3, damaged by divorce) absolutely adore each other. We have been through a lot for such a short period, including a pregnancy we decided to move forward with wholeheartedly, followed by a really awful miscarriage. It's been heavy. Now, a few months after our loss, I confronted my partner because it's felt more duty bound when he's around (I appreciate "commitment" but not feeling wanted sucks, no thanks) and through working it out together we eventually came to the understanding that he is feeling called to be his own primary partner and wants the freedom to follow each moment and connection to it's natural potential with no consideration. It took me about a week to come to terms to at least the point where I could imagine a way I could survive, going through some pretty heavy depression on my part and a come to jeebus processing weekend. It's taken about two weeks for me to realize that even with two kids I'm not doomed to an isolated and lonely life of wondering how much fun he's having and I could conceivably have other partners, even though that still feels fantastical. Idk what the future holds. He doesn't know if we can continue a sexual relationship because it will muddy the water and because neither one of us can imagine using a condom together. He's afraid that it will ruin the relationship we have left if it confuses us but I feel like that's saying he needs to avoid and sublimate feelings for me so he won't feel a pulled to be with me (I don't pull, although he knows I would like this). That's confusing because it's like saying he loves me so much he can't be with me and that's a cop out or something, I can't figure it out. He's still showing up for things we need, still being sweet and affectionate, still says he's deeply committed to us but doesn't know what that means. He's gotten more surface level in conversation and has less frequent contact. Part of me feels friend zoned. I know you all call that "transitioned" but tell me again how your don't feel like you got fired from the job you love? But you're still invited to watch. I have zero doubt this man loves us. I just don't think he wants us, and I don't know if I can continue to expand into my own growth feeling that pain so deeply. I already feel so peripheral, I fear my kids feeling unimportant too, and this is all before there is even anyone to "worry about". I really love him. He's definitely the most deeply loving, conscious, responsive partner I've ever had. He lights up my world when he's around, and I love to see his light shining in the larger world. His proverbial tail wags when he gets excited about something and it makes me so happy. But I also feel like that excitement and attention span will be my downfall and I would be smart to save myself pain now, because I think NRE is likely to carry him away. Also, is it weird that I have zero issue with polyfuckery, but it's the emotional aspects of polyamory that are terrifying? I don't see how someone can NOT get carried away with someone new when they fall in love, or at least only continue an old relationship out of "duty" which I can't fucking stand. I'm having issue with definitions of commitment because I want to say if you don't want to be here, forcing yourself is not a favor to anyone. I know there is a lot to unpack here, I'm a mess! Any insight on any of this are appreciated.
He originally told me he was interested in polyamory and I said in theory I could see that working and I'd let him know if the relationship meet my needs as things progressed. About 3 weeks in he decided to be mono with me and we never really talked about it again. We have only been dating 9 months, and he and my two kids (7&3, damaged by divorce) absolutely adore each other. We have been through a lot for such a short period, including a pregnancy we decided to move forward with wholeheartedly, followed by a really awful miscarriage. It's been heavy. Now, a few months after our loss, I confronted my partner because it's felt more duty bound when he's around (I appreciate "commitment" but not feeling wanted sucks, no thanks) and through working it out together we eventually came to the understanding that he is feeling called to be his own primary partner and wants the freedom to follow each moment and connection to it's natural potential with no consideration. It took me about a week to come to terms to at least the point where I could imagine a way I could survive, going through some pretty heavy depression on my part and a come to jeebus processing weekend. It's taken about two weeks for me to realize that even with two kids I'm not doomed to an isolated and lonely life of wondering how much fun he's having and I could conceivably have other partners, even though that still feels fantastical. Idk what the future holds. He doesn't know if we can continue a sexual relationship because it will muddy the water and because neither one of us can imagine using a condom together. He's afraid that it will ruin the relationship we have left if it confuses us but I feel like that's saying he needs to avoid and sublimate feelings for me so he won't feel a pulled to be with me (I don't pull, although he knows I would like this). That's confusing because it's like saying he loves me so much he can't be with me and that's a cop out or something, I can't figure it out. He's still showing up for things we need, still being sweet and affectionate, still says he's deeply committed to us but doesn't know what that means. He's gotten more surface level in conversation and has less frequent contact. Part of me feels friend zoned. I know you all call that "transitioned" but tell me again how your don't feel like you got fired from the job you love? But you're still invited to watch. I have zero doubt this man loves us. I just don't think he wants us, and I don't know if I can continue to expand into my own growth feeling that pain so deeply. I already feel so peripheral, I fear my kids feeling unimportant too, and this is all before there is even anyone to "worry about". I really love him. He's definitely the most deeply loving, conscious, responsive partner I've ever had. He lights up my world when he's around, and I love to see his light shining in the larger world. His proverbial tail wags when he gets excited about something and it makes me so happy. But I also feel like that excitement and attention span will be my downfall and I would be smart to save myself pain now, because I think NRE is likely to carry him away. Also, is it weird that I have zero issue with polyfuckery, but it's the emotional aspects of polyamory that are terrifying? I don't see how someone can NOT get carried away with someone new when they fall in love, or at least only continue an old relationship out of "duty" which I can't fucking stand. I'm having issue with definitions of commitment because I want to say if you don't want to be here, forcing yourself is not a favor to anyone. I know there is a lot to unpack here, I'm a mess! Any insight on any of this are appreciated.