Hi there, me and my wife are new to poly and thought this site might guide us through the pitfalls and help us make the most of our new circumstances.. I'm a straight guy and my wife is bi. For the first time my wife has entered into an actual relationship with a woman, a lesbian. They been together for a few months and everything is going really well. My only concern is my wife's partner is completely ignoring the fact that my wife is married and has kids, preferring to pretend that there is only the 2 of them in the relationship. To the extent that, according to my wife, she has to look away from the tv when logging onto netflix to avoid seeing the log on on screen that shows all the family's accounts. Anyone else experienced this behaviour? My wife has to filter her conversation with her girlfriend to avoid mentioning anything to do with our home life. This has not been a problem this far but doesn't seem sustainable in the long term. I'm wondering how we can soften gf's attitude?? Otherwise we are loving life and my wife is so happy and fulfilled, just hoping for longevity!
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Is this your wife's partners' first poly relationship? I mean, parallel poly is a thing, even DADT, but not acknowledging partners' existence is kind of not healthy IMO.
That said, "we", that is your wife AND you, cannot change the situation as to some large degree it's between your wife and her partner. Is your wife ok with this behavior from her girlfriend? I mean, if I was dating someone who had THAT much of a problem with my life, I'd be pretty unlikely to continue the relationship without some serious conversations about my partner needing to have a relationship with the person they're actually dating not the fantasy person they want me to be.
That said, "we", that is your wife AND you, cannot change the situation as to some large degree it's between your wife and her partner. Is your wife ok with this behavior from her girlfriend? I mean, if I was dating someone who had THAT much of a problem with my life, I'd be pretty unlikely to continue the relationship without some serious conversations about my partner needing to have a relationship with the person they're actually dating not the fantasy person they want me to be.
Thanks for the replies TX and icesong, this is my wife's first lesbian relationship, she's 'played' with girls in the past but this is the first time it's grown into a full blown relationship. Same for her gf, she has only ever been in mono relationships. I'm kinda hoping that it's still early days and gf gets used to the situation, it's not as if my wife wasn't completely clear with her right from the outset. This forum has already been helpful- I haven't talked this through with any friends, we haven't gone public about this yet- Thanks for listening
I'm bisexual, or pansexual really (open to dating non gender binary or transpersons) and I've dated women. Some lesbians won't date bi women, much less poly bi women in an active relationship with a man, because men gross them out. They don't like to think of a penis having been where their hands or mouth is going. So, it's a plus she's willing to date your wife at all.
That said, if your wife isn't too bothered by it, you'd do well to leave it alone. It's not great to be enmeshed with your poly partner. This is her relationship, not yours. I understand you care about her feelings, IF she is uncomfortable trying to pretend you don't exist, but it's not YOUR place to do anything, or force yourself on her gf, or whatever.
If your wife wants this to change, she can try to get her gf to talk to her about it. "Hey, when you don't acknowledge my husband exists, I feel..."
That said, if your wife isn't too bothered by it, you'd do well to leave it alone. It's not great to be enmeshed with your poly partner. This is her relationship, not yours. I understand you care about her feelings, IF she is uncomfortable trying to pretend you don't exist, but it's not YOUR place to do anything, or force yourself on her gf, or whatever.
If your wife wants this to change, she can try to get her gf to talk to her about it. "Hey, when you don't acknowledge my husband exists, I feel..."
Greetings 76Mustang,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
May I suggest that your wife filter her conversation a little bit less. The only way I can see her girlfriend eventually getting used to your (and the kids') existence, is to be exposed to it. Even if it's just small bits at a time. As it now stands, you and your wife are bending over backwards to completely hide the family's existence from your wife's girlfriend. By not showing her girlfriend even a little of you, you're kind of enabling her dysfunction. If she wants to look the other way while logging onto Netflix, that is her decision, but you don't have to do more of the same for her. Now that said, it sounds like you otherwise have an ideal situation, and I am happy for you. Glad to have you onboard, keep posting!
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
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Welcome aboard!
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
May I suggest that your wife filter her conversation a little bit less. The only way I can see her girlfriend eventually getting used to your (and the kids') existence, is to be exposed to it. Even if it's just small bits at a time. As it now stands, you and your wife are bending over backwards to completely hide the family's existence from your wife's girlfriend. By not showing her girlfriend even a little of you, you're kind of enabling her dysfunction. If she wants to look the other way while logging onto Netflix, that is her decision, but you don't have to do more of the same for her. Now that said, it sounds like you otherwise have an ideal situation, and I am happy for you. Glad to have you onboard, keep posting!
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
Notes:
There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!
Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.
Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.
If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.
Welcome aboard!
Thanks for the welcome and everyone's kind advice. Magdlyn makes some very good points, I think this maybe a case of treading gently. I know my wife's gf has had some very bad experiences with men in the distant past, so I maybe I have been a little naive expecting to be welcomed with open arms... We are only about 3 months in after all. I will keep you posted on how things develop and in the mean time just enjoy the positives. Thanks again for your perspectives.