Newbie Wondering about the Freedom to Do Things vs. Actually Doing Them

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etgalore

New member
I'm only at the very beginning stages of thinking about polyamory, open relationships, and arrangements other than the standard North American monogamy.

I am in a committed monogamous relationship right now, and there is almost no sex whatsoever. I would like us to have more and better sex, and I suppose on some level I'm working on it, but deep down, I feel like I would be happier with more freedom, and part of me is wondering if she might be happier too. We want some very different things.

I'm a middle-aged man, and I'm beginning to feel I must "gather my rosebuds while may."

I think a lot of repressed men (and women), imagine how they would just be sleeping around and having all sorts of sexual adventures, but they stay inside the safety of the standard structure of monogamy, blaming it for their doldrums and laziness. But if I found myself alone in an apartment (free to do exactly as a I please), I suspect I would fritter away my "freedom" watching YouTube and doing other pointless things.

So I guess what I'm wondering and asking is this: What kind of advice would you give someone who is just starting to think about polyamory and breaking out of the "norm"? And, when you get the freedom you're thinking about, while still inside a relationship, how is it different--worse, better, other--than the "pure" freedom of being on your own?
 
I'd say, talk to your wife(?) as soon as possible and work on figuring out your answers together. You don't know if you want polyamory, she doesn't know it, you're on the same page. If you do a few months thinking on your own ... and then blind-sight your wife by your results ... you're much more likely to be misunderstood, rush her etc.
 
I would advise you think about why it is you what what it is you want. Why do you want freedom? What does freedom mean to you? What does that look like? What do you want from the relationship you are in? What do you want? Why do you want it?

I think it's important to have some of those answers before opening that discussion up with your wife
 
Hi etgalore,

May I suggest a book, "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino. Possibly you and your partner could read it together. It is more complex to open up from within a relationship, than if you're single, but that doesn't mean it can't be done.

With regards,
Kevin T.
 
Talk to your partner asap

Talk to your partner about the lack of sex and possible solutions to that. Polyamory is one possible solution but there are many, many others. Right off the bat, poly requires a lot of honesty and communication so even if you have poly as a desired outcome, you need to lay the groundwork with the communication and honesty.

But like I said, there are MANY other solutions beside poly to the lack of sex in a relationship, almost all of them much simpler and more effective than poly.

Contrary to what you might believe, poly is not a free ticket to lots of sex.
 
Poly doesn't fix problems in a relationship it magnifies them.
 
etgalore said:
.. the standard North American monogamy.....What kind of advice would you give someone who is just starting to think about polyamory and breaking out of the "norm"? And, when you get the freedom you're thinking about, while still inside a relationship, how is it different--worse, better, other--than the "pure" freedom of being on your own?
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Monogamy is the social standard throughout the world, with a few exceptional pockets. Humans have a natural and ongoing need for sexual and intimate vibrancy and they will find it in many ways, sanctioned and not sanctioned. Polyamory is but one answer to this basic human need which the almost worldwide norm of monogamy drives underground. Nevertheless, almost all monogamous partners feel the longings eventually. It might take a few decades, but the need to be sexually intimate will always sprout up. A very few monogamous couples claim to keep this genuine intimacy alive decade upon decade, but I see very little evidence that this can be done. So what you are feeling is the norm.

I have been where you are now (17 year marriage) and my experience has been that all along I was seeking freedom to be on my own again. I asked my husband for an open relationship, which he agreed to, but it was just a transitional arrangement on our way to separation. As for fantasies, my experience has been that real, true actual freedom to explore other relationships far outshines any fantasies I had while married. My relationships now are far from conventional, but they involve love and sexual intimacy that I never even imagined was possible until I was 55 and nearly divorced, as I am today.

No one can tell you how you'll feel when/if you gain some freedom. Everything depends on what you allow yourself to experience, not on "what's out there."
 
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So I have a curiosity in this, because I was put into a situation similar to this. So my ex fiance and I rarely had any sexual intimacy, or any intimacy in that regard to begin with. We had sex maybe once a month, twice was considered being wild practically. It started playing on old insecurities of mine, making me feel like I wasn't attractive, like I was doing everything wrong, so on and so forth. During the last year or so of our relationship, after multiple attempts at couples counseling, she had brought up to me that she was okay if I wanted to find other women to sleep with so that I could be sexually satisfied. Well of course, being raised monogamous, my train of thought was that I needed to focus on her and her alone so that we could make things work. Turns out that she only started telling me that because she wanted me to find someone who would love me enough that she could leave me without feeling guilty about it.

So the question I have, after starting to rethink and rediscover who I am after finally getting back on my feet since she left me a year ago, would that have been a valid point in time to actually consider a poly lifestyle? I can obviously tell that it wouldn't have worked with her because of why she wanted me to sleep with others, so I'm not asking if poly would've saved us. I know it wouldn't have. But knowing that the lack of physical intimacy and the negative emotional health effects it had on me, would that have been a potential situation to consider a conversation about living poly? And would that be something to take into consideration now about possibly adopting this lifestyle into my own life?
 
I think sometimes people do discover polyamory when they realise they have unmet needs in their current relationship. In fact, it could be said that all poly people have a need that cannot be met in a traditional monogamous relationship - namely the need for variety and multiple loving connections. So no, I don't think something like a significant difference in libido, or a difference in kinks for example, are bad reasons for becoming poly. One person cannot be all things. I think the key is that your core needs are met in your relationship. That you are loved and respected by your partner, that you are on the same page about and equally invested in your relationship. That kind of thing. Turning to poly because your relationship is struggling or fundamentally flawed in some way never ends well (as you sadly discovered). I guess it can be hard to tell what is a fundamental flaw and what is a workable mismatch at times. It's worth noting though, that as in your case, sometimes when we feel insecure or worried about your relationship, it's worth listening to that inner voice. If you feel happy within a partnership, and both of you are interested in polyamory, then I'd say those are the ideal conditions to consider opening up.
 
I was one of those people who turned to polyamory to fix the lack of sex in my monogamous relationship. My husband DarkKnight and I had been together for a long time, but our sex drives were the complete opposite. His testosterone is on the low side, but doesn't want to change that with hormone replacement. So, we tried many different things to make our libidos match up, but it just was not happening.

I think what worked for us was that we didn't have issues with intimacy, or love, or any other mismatch with each other. And we were 100% committed to each other, otherwise. When I was reading online and discovered polyamory, he latched onto immediately and was encouraging about it.

He has been my rock and I could never imagine poly working without him being on board 100%. Not just grudgingly accepting, but happy and supportive of me. He understands the love that I have for PunkRock is just as deep and real as the love I have for him. And for us, that has made all the difference.
 
I also agree that compensating for mismatched libidos can be a valid reason for poly. Though it should probably not be the only reason.
 
Yah, my feelings as well. As in, doesn't "want to get laid more often" fit better with swinging?

I feel that becoming "poly" merely for sex qua sex just opens up the Big Can O' Worms containing DADT & "no emotion outside the Sacred Dyad" & suchlike -- like DIY therapy meant only to treat the symptom & gloss over any underlying problems.
 
Perhaps. I believe it depends on the person. For me, I gave swinging a try but as much as I enjoy sex, I really wanted meaningful relationships as well. DADT is definitely something I abhor and don't want any part of.

So yes, it could lead to a big ol can of worms, but it could also end well. :) At least, I feel that has been my experience. 🙂
 
Ravenscroft said:
doesn't "want to get laid more often" fit better with swinging?
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I think this unfairly characterizes / trivializes the problem of mismatched libidos in a relationship.
 
sdguitarguy said:
I think this unfairly characterizes / trivializes the problem of mismatched libidos in a relationship.
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And I feel that unsupported "opinions" like this are primarily meant to END conversation. Feel free to elaborate. ;)

Polyamory IS NOT couples therapy. Presenting/defending it as such is denigrating to people like me who've never seen good reason for monogamy to be elevated as "the natural order."

There's nothing wrong with sexual nonmonogamy. IMNSHO, problems begin when people start claiming that sex is a basic need like breathable air or potable water or nutritious food or affection or love or touch or social contact or whatever. (What is unnatural is not restriction of sexual desire but its repression, & that's another discussion entirely.)

But let's consider it from another direction: if sex IS a need, then larding all that other stuff onto fulfilling that need is utterly irrational, & looks more like OCD. If you knew someone who felt compelled to Riverdance energetically for five minutes before eating even the smallest snack, wouldn't you eventually wonder whether they were mentally unbalanced?

Whether that dysfunction stems from abnormalities that are physiological, biochemical, environmental, or emotional, or imposed willingly or unwillingly, is irrelevant. If it's truly a survival need, then fulfill that need & go about your otherwise perfect life; if you WANT to take regular chances of screwing up that perfect life, then the conversation has already moved far past "fulfilling a need."

I also can't overlook that statements such as "mismatched libidos in a relationship" begins entirely from a couplist premise, where The Sacred Dyad MUST be maintained at all costs, for instance finding a pre-packaged touchy-feely rationale for Monogamy But.

In a relationship where one-to-one-forever is NOT a rule -- even a rule that is casually broken while swearing regular fervent oaths to it -- the concept of "mismatched libidos" is totally absurd.
 
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Ravenscroft said:
As in, doesn't "want to get laid more often" fit better with swinging?
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Who ever said that was his motivation? Are you projecting your own motives on this guy or just trying to be unwelcoming to newcomers?
 
etgalore said:
So I guess what I'm wondering and asking is this: What kind of advice would you give someone who is just starting to think about polyamory and breaking out of the "norm"? And, when you get the freedom you're thinking about, while still inside a relationship, how is it different--worse, better, other--than the "pure" freedom of being on your own?
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My advice is to share your feelings with your partner. If you can't talk about your feelings and your desires, then you might have bigger problems than your sex life, and, as others have already pointed out, if you have problems in your current relationship, trying to have more relationships really isn't likely to help.

Opening up a monogamous relationship takes extraordinary communication and commitment. For us it was a very positive change that gave us deeper understanding and appreciation for each other. In fact, that's just about all it did, because neither of us has found anybody else who measures up. We're still open, but we've pretty much given up looking.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi etgalore,

May I suggest a book, "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino. Possibly you and your partner could read it together. It is more complex to open up from within a relationship, than if you're single, but that doesn't mean it can't be done.

With regards,
Kevin T.
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Kevin's advice here is perfect. I echo this same suggestion. Great book.
 
Ravenscroft said:
Yah, my feelings as well. As in, doesn't "want to get laid more often" fit better with swinging?

I feel that becoming "poly" merely for sex qua sex just opens up the Big Can O' Worms containing DADT & "no emotion outside the Sacred Dyad" & suchlike -- like DIY therapy meant only to treat the symptom & gloss over any underlying problems.
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"Merely for sex" is a phrase which evokes in me an image of sexual activity without connection, affection, closeness, bonding..., other kinds of intimacy other than the merely physical part. And that's something I'm now incapable of. It never did appeal to me much, but I could do that occasionally in my twenties -- but in all honesty I wanted to feel a bond of connection even then and my arousal and satisfaction level was always proportionate to the degree that I felt such connection and warmth / affection. (I guess this is much less common among us guys than with women, as folks often say. So I'm not a typical guy!)

This is a large part of why I'm polyamorous rather than a swinger or something similar (e.g., someone who merely "sleeps around"). Strict monogamy would never work for me in the very long term. And I've been with my main squeeze for over twenty years now.
 
Thanks!

Thank you all for this extended discussion on my question. I will look at "Opening Up" and take it from there!
 
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