Newbie.

bunni522

New member
Hi guys! I'm Bunni. I am 26 yo. bisexual female from CO. I'm in a long-term relationship with a M (for 7 yrs now) and we share two young kids together.

We have been talking about being poly for over a year now but have mostly been unsuccessful at finding people interested in us and get discouraged a lot. At this point what we are doing is looking to each find a girlfriend -- he will date someone exclusively and I will date someone exclusively. We would still be each other's primary. We are getting there!

Also, I am very new to poly and I know there are a lot of different configurations, so I'm not sure what this is exactly called? If there is a term for it.

I am so excited and relieved that I have found this site where I can learn and be around people that are like me!!! For a long time I felt so discouraged because I felt like people just couldn't relate to me and though poly is pretty common in CO, around my town it's not yet and I felt like the odd-ball out. :( I am so happy to see that there are so many of us and we have a place that's safe.

xxx
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Hi guys! I'm Bunni. I am 26 yo. bisexual female from CO. I'm in a long-term relationship with a M (for 7 yrs now) and we share two young kids together.

We have been talking about being poly for over a year now but have mostly been unsuccessful at finding people interested in us and get discouraged a lot. At this point what we are doing is looking to each find a girlfriend -- he will date someone exclusively and I will date someone exclusively. We would still be each other's primary. We are getting there!

Also, I am very new to poly and I know there are a lot of different configurations, so I'm not sure what this is exactly called? If there is a term for it.

That is called polyamory. Most poly couples date independently. Maybe earlier you were seeking a unicorn, a bi woman who would somehow fall in love with both of you, and you would both fall in love with her. But maybe you learned this hoped for FMF idea is extremely difficult to find, and even more difficult to maintain, for a host of reasons.

What if you found a man to date? Is that perfectly OK too? I'm a bi/pan woman and while I have a wonderful female long term nesting partner, many many men have been in my life. I've had a hard time finding women willing to date me. But maybe that's just because of my age. I dunno. I am open to dating people of all ages. And I don't go to bars. I have mostly found partners online.

I am so excited and relieved that I have found this site where I can learn and be around people that are like me!!! For a long time I felt so discouraged because I felt like people just couldn't relate to me, and though poly is pretty common in CO, around my town it's not yet, and I felt like the odd-ball out.
:( I am so happy to see that there are so many of us and we have a place that's safe.

xxx

I'm glad you found us. This is a great group full of helpful experienced polyamorists (and newbies too!).
 

bunni522

New member
What if you found a man to date? Is that perfectly OK too? I'm a bi/pan woman and while I have a wonderful female long term nesting partner, many many men have been in my life. I've had a hard time finding women willing to date me. But maybe that's just because of my age. I dunno. I am open to dating people of all ages. And I don't go to bars. I have mostly found partners online.

I am not interested in finding a man. I feel like I already have a man in my current partner to satisfy anything I would need from a male companion, I am only interested in finding a female so this was or won't be a situation for us in our relationship.

I do agree it is harder for a poly man to find a female. :( Or at least that has been my partner's case! He does have male friends interested in him but he does not like men. Women fall for him very quickly and a few have actually considered dating him and were okay with him being poly for a while, but always get cold feet by the time they are going to go on a first date. I think you have a good point there about the online -- perhaps he needs to try poly specific sites for better luck..
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Greetings Bunni,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you are shooting for a configuration we would call an N (or Z) -- an FMFF N. Or like Magdlyn said, an FMFM N. Like you said, there are many possible configurations, and no one configuration is any better than any of the others. There are no right or wrong answers here. Just keep participating on this forum, reading and posting. I read your other thread, and responded there briefly. Basically, sooner is better than later when it comes to telling a potential girlfriend that you are nonmonogamous. If you have any other questions just let us know. You are among friends here. :)

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" ;)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 

Mzill

New member
for what its worth, as a man i have found online dating sites like fetlife and feeld to be more difficult than living in a small town! in real life my smile can bring people in from across a room, on feeld, women see my wife, ask if shes willing to hook up, and when i say maybe one day, but for now we are looking for separate relationships, the women say too bad or just ignore me.

My wife encouraged me to sign up, told me "no problem, i get at least 20 connections a day on feeld," well, in over a month on feeld, i have had 7 women contact or respond to me, 4 of them left instantly when they found out my wife was not going to be part of the show (but one said dont worry, you are super hot so somebody will want you), 1 of them was a video and pic hunter, one sent me creepy weird memes all the time, and the other is 10 years older than me (im 40).

so, while worth a shot, the online dating for men thing has been much much slower for me than for my wife. i think this is pretty common
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
for what its worth, as a man i have found online dating sites like fetlife and feeld to be more difficult than living in a small town! in real life my smile can bring people in from across a room, on feeld, women see my wife, ask if shes willing to hook up, and when i say maybe one day, but for now we are looking for separate relationships, the women say too bad or just ignore me.

My wife encouraged me to sign up, told me "no problem, i get at least 20 connections a day on feeld," well, in over a month on feeld, i have had 7 women contact or respond to me, 4 of them left instantly when they found out my wife was not going to be part of the show (but one said dont worry, you are super hot so somebody will want you), 1 of them was a video and pic hunter, one sent me creepy weird memes all the time, and the other is 10 years older than me (im 40).

so, while worth a shot, the online dating for men thing has been much much slower for me than for my wife. i think this is pretty common

50 year olds can be hot, and also, they often aren't husband hunting these days. It's best to keep an open mind as far as age when your dating pool, being poly, is small.

Women get hit on more than men do. It's just a fact of life. Testosterone and culture make men more likely to pursue. Be patient and hang in there.
 

Mzill

New member
50 year olds can be hot, and also, they often aren't husband hunting these days. It's best to keep an open mind as far as age when your dating pool, being poly, is small.

Women get hit on more than men do. It's just a fact of life. Testosterone and culture make men more likely to pursue. Be patient and hang in there.

Yes, this woman is in fact fairly attractive, and age is not necessarily the issue, but its a factor in other ways. and yes, i am open to much more and different attractions than i would normally be open too in this search. I find the online dating to be clumsy still, devoid of the nuance i enjoy. if om not looking for my type anymore, sometimes im not sure why id be looking.

Here's the hitch I'm having. I get hit on in real life as much or more than my wife. I like to go out and dance (and im good at it), get a beer, interact with strangers on the weekends. she doesn't enjoy it nearly as much. In fact i go out alone at times, because i need the outlet. and we have an understanding that dating in our small conservative town could have adverse affects on our life and her career.

so yeah, ill hang in there, but this mode of internet interaction is not natural or fun for me yet, primarily due to lack of available/willing dance partners and zero eye contact or smiles.

meanwhile, with zero effort, my wife has hundreds of choices, literally hundreds, plus the 4 gals who came to my page to see if she was down.

all part of the learning i suppose, but sometimes it feels forced, not natural
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Would it be the end of the world if you and wife made it known that you have an Open marriage? I hear how you enjoy the dancing and the irl connections. That sounds really fun.

Unless you're going to lose a job or kids, I think people can get used to the idea a couple is Open. There'd be gossip at first, but then you'd just be known as "that guy," "that woman."
 
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