NEWinPOLY.. advices please! Long+poly relationship

[jjnnx]

Hello everybody,
this is my first post on the site. I come here because I seek help on my difficulties because unfortunately I am not part of a poly social environment, even though a relationship like this has now started. So it is still very complicated to always have to explain how it works and receive not so positive answers and sometimes they are even concerned about me and my choices.
I have always had monogamous relationships in my life and always very intense, after a single time looking for my self-knowledge and for some relationship that is calmer for me and that makes me feel good I ended up meeting a man who was sweet, calm, cultured, polite, kind , romantic, beautiful as a god who is polyamorous, since the first meeting I knew this, at first I thought it was someone who was going out a few times and that's fine, but I ended up really falling in love. Now it's been a year since we met, and 6 months since we were boyfriends. When I accepted the dating I didn't really understand what would change in our relationship because it was always the type of total freedom and without boundaries, but in fact we got closer and started to make more efforts so that our relationship would flow well. However, in addition to polyamor being something new, our relationship is also distance. He lives in another country, and it's been 3 months since we managed to see each vert months. I never went to his country and he always ends up coming to mine because he lived here, and I kind of still didn't feel that I was ready to go and see his reality with other relationships up close because his last great relationship is in this case the best one friend of his that he meets several times a week. So we decided to take it easy and understand how we could make it work. I have always been very understanding with the fact that it is not his only relationship, and that his person needs to be with different people. But one thing that has always been important in a relationship is that I feel important, and it would be unfair to say that he doesn't make me feel important, but besides all this being new to me he practices polyamor without hierarchy, and whenever he speaks from the other relationships everything seems to be perfect and I miss feeling safe. For even knowing that he loves me, I have the desire that building a future with the person I am in love with, and knowing that he can feel such wills with different people makes me worried. I am studying about polyamor but I sincerely worry about not being that person who wants to get romantically involved with several people. In addition to being a little introverted (so having a hard time getting interested in meeting new people) I also never felt in love with different people at the same time, because when I fall in love I really want to dedicate myself and I feel enough with someone if she loves me as much. So now we are having a long-distance relationship, without hierarchy and that I feel mono (even if it’s not what he wants, he gives me total freedom to choose what i wants, the problem is that I’m just happy to be with him, and it doesn't help to balance our lifestyles and so sometimes I feel stupid to be able to have everything and just want one). He always tells me that I need to know what I want, and I shouldn't be in that kind of relationship for him, which I understand. But what I want for him is not possible, and there is no talk about it. I tried to ask for a relationship with hierarchy and he said that it really is something he will not do, and so I wonder if I will be able to feel safe in this type of relationship that is not my ideal. I'm trying to make dates but the last few times have been bad, I can't connect, get interested, and talk about my relationship with the date confuses me because I still don't feel totally poly.
I really don't want to stop having a relationship with him, but I feel that what I want will never be attended to by him, and that maybe I don't have the essence of being able to generate several emotional relationships at the same time ..
I feel a little lost of what I could do to feel safer, more comfortable in this relationship. So I'm here to hear some of you ...
I am happy to be in this process, learning to see love and my jealousy in different ways, but I also wanted to feel that he would be willing to agree new things with me so that I feel better, but at the same time I feel bad about asking for something that interferes with his life and his wishes. So I really feel in a situation that is either I accept things as they are established, or there will come a time when he will want to end by seeing that polyamor is not something for me and thinking about my good in a way.
I want to learn, I want to experiment.
I have never been closed minded, by contrast, I am super open, and I feel that even though I am still jealous on every date he has, I do my best to take care of my anguish at the moment and not create blockages for him, but I wish I could turn a button and understand all that philosophy and how he sees things so differently, but I don’t have that button, so I’m here trying to find greater understandings on how I can improve, and how I could communicate all this in a way that it is open, because often as he is poly he knows how to communicate very well, and I always end up talking the wrong way that scares him or worries him about my possible poly version never being possible to happen.

Thank you all, i hope that this one gonna be the first of a few posts here

xx

 

[Magdlyn]

Hello everybody,

Hi jjnnx, welcome. It helps to add paragraph breaks, for readability. I'll just edit a bit since its too late for you to do it. We only get 15 minutes to edit on this board. It used to be 12 hours, which was better.

This is my first post on the site. I came here because I am seeking help for my difficulties. Unfortunately, I am not part of a poly social environment, even though a relationship like this has now started. So it is still very complicated to always have to explain how it works and receive not so positive answers. Sometimes they are even concerned about me and my choices.

I have always had monogamous relationships in my life. They were always very intense. I had been looking for self-knowledge and for a relationship that would calmer for me and that would make me feel good. I ended up meeting a man who was sweet, calm, cultured, polite, kind, romantic, and beautiful as a god.

He is polyamorous. Since our first meeting, I knew this. At first I thought it was someone who wanted to go out a few times, and that was fine, but I ended up really falling in love. Now it's been a year since we met, and 6 months since we became boyfriends.

When I accepted the dating I didn't really understand what would change in our relationship, because it was always about total freedom and without boundaries. But in fact, we got closer, and started to make more efforts, so that our relationship would flow well. However, in addition to polyamory being something new, our relationship is also long distance. He lives in another country, and it's been 3 months since we have managed to see each other.

I never went to his country. He always ends up coming to mine because he used to live here. I kind of still didn't feel ready to go and see his reality with other relationships up close, because his last great relationship is, in this case, the best one friend of his that he meets several times a week.

So we decided to take it easy and figure out how we could make it work. I have always been very understanding of the fact that it this is not his only relationship, and that he needs to be with different people. But one thing that has always been important for me in a relationship is that I feel important. It would be unfair to say that he doesn't make me feel important.

But besides all this being new to me, he practices polyamory without hierarchy, and whenever he speaks about this other relationships everything seems to be perfect. I miss feeling safe. Despite knowing that he loves me, I have a desire to build a future with a person I am in love with, and knowing that he can feel such things about different people makes me worried.

I am studying polyamory, but I sincerely worry about not being a person who wants to get romantically involved with several people. In addition to being a little introverted (so having a hard time getting interested in meeting new people) I also never felt in love with different people at the same time. When I fall in love, I really want to dedicate myself. I feel enough with someone if she loves me as much.

So now we are having a long-distance relationship, without hierarchy. But I feel mono. Even if it’s not what he wants, he gives me total freedom to choose what I want. The problem is that I’m just happy to be with him, and it doesn't help to balance our lifestyles, and so sometimes I feel stupid to be able to have everything and just want one.

He always tells me that I need to know what I want, and I shouldn't be in that kind of relationship for him, which I understand. But what I want for him is not possible, and there is no talk about it. I tried to ask for a relationship with hierarchy and he said that it really is something he will not do.

So I wonder if I will be able to feel safe in this type of relationship that is not my ideal. I'm trying to go on dates with others, but the last few times have been bad. I can't connect, get interested, and talking about my relationship with the date confuses me because I still don't feel totally poly.

I really don't want to stop having a relationship with him, but I feel that what I want will never be attended to by him, and that maybe I don't have the essence of being able to generate several emotional relationships at the same time. I feel a little lost of what I could do to feel safer, more comfortable in this relationship.

I am happy to be in this process, learning to see love and my jealousy in different ways, but I also want to feel that he would be willing to agree to new things with me, so that I feel better. But at the same time, I feel bad about asking for something that interferes with his life and his wishes. So I really feel like I am in a situation where I either accept things as they are established, or there will come a time when he will want to end it, by seeing that polyamory is not something for me and thinking about my good, in a way.

I want to learn, I want to experiment.

I have never been close-minded. I am super open, and I feel that even though I am still jealous about every date he has, I do my best to take care of my anguish at the moment and do not create blockages for him. I wish I could push a button and understand all that philosophy and how he sees things so differently. But I don’t have that button, so I’m here trying to understand how I can improve, and how I can communicate all this in a way that it is open. As he is poly, he knows how to communicate very well, and I always end up talking in the wrong way, which scares him or worries him about my possible poly version never being possible to happen.

 

[Magdlyn]

Jjnnx, are you male or female? You seem to have English as a second language. You said you and "BF" are boyfriends, but are you male? I'm just wondering if there is stigma against you in your country as a gay man, as well as the issue with you dating a poly guy.

We just had another person post here about dating a poly guy casually, and then falling in love and wishing they were more important in his life. I'll look for that post and give you a link.

I will share similar advice with you. Your bf has some great qualities, but he's poly, and not looking for a primary partner. You love him, but you really feel monogamous. You can't seem to "make yourself" care about more than one person, romantically, at a time. You've tried dating, but can't invest in other people. You just feel bad on dates.

Added to that, your relationship with BF has become long distance. You don't even want to go see him because you know he sees a certain partner/ex-partner often, and that makes you feel some kinda way...

Sometimes we meet someone who seems wildly compatible, super attractive, and lots of fun, and we think, "Aha! I've found Mr/Ms Right!" only to find out a few months, a year, 2 years later, they aren't really as great for us as we first thought. The long term compatibility just isn't there. Do you think that might be what is happening with you right now? (BTW, his isn't absolutely a polyamory problem. I can see how your friends might blame it on BF being poly, but he could end up being not Mr Right for any reason.)

Now you have to decide if it's worth it staying with a person who will always miss the mark for you, truly, long term. Or should you make a break, keep up your standards and find a person who has the great qualities of your current bf, but is also monogamous and has the potential to be a long term partner/husband, someone to share a home and life with?

 

[Magdlyn]

The similar thread is titled, "Asking for communication from a poly partner."

 

[jjnnx]

Jjnnx, are you male or female? You seem to have English as a second language. You said you and "BF" are boyfriends, but are you male? I'm just wondering if there is stigma against you in your country as a gay man, as well as the issue with you dating a poly guy.

We just had another person post here about dating a poly guy casually, and then falling in love and wishing they were more important in his life. I'll look for that post and give you a link.

I will share similar advice with you. Your bf has some great qualities, but he's poly, and not looking for a primary partner. You love him, but you really feel monogamous. You can't seem to "make yourself" care about more than one person, romantically, at a time. You've tried dating, but can't invest in other people. You just feel bad on dates.

Added to that, your relationship with BF has become long distance. You don't even want to go see him because you know he sees a certain partner/ex-partner often, and that makes you feel some kinda way...

Sometimes we meet someone who seems wildly compatible, super attractive, and lots of fun, and we think, "Aha! I've found Mr/Ms Right!" only to find out a few months, a year, 2 years later, they aren't really as great for us as we first thought. The long term compatibility just isn't there. Do you think that might be what is happening with you right now? (BTW, his isn't absolutely a polyamory problem. I can see how your friends might blame it on BF being poly, but he could end up being not Mr Right for any reason.)

Now you have to decide if it's worth it staying with a person who will always miss the mark for you, truly, long term. Or should you make a break, keep up your standards and find a person who has the great qualities of your current bf, but is also monogamous and has the potential to be a long term partner/husband, someone to share a home and life with?

Hello!
Thank you for your answer
unfortunately I can no longer edit the paragraphs, but I will be aware of this if I post again here.
And yeah, english is my second language, sorry about the mistakes
No, Im a young woman.
I totally understand what you mean when you say about long term compatibility, this is something that im afraid.
But I think it's worth it because I still hope that I can learn to see things as he sees them, and that I learn to enjoy being with other people and falling in love with them, because I think all of this is very good in theory, And I agree, I just need to know if in practice this can happen to me. But I believe that the transition from monogamy to poly without hierarchy is a big change ... it takes time ... so I'm having patience, and I wanted to know if it's normal to feel that way at first, and if it really is something that can come to happen even if I didn't think that way before?!

 

[kdt26417]

Hello jjnnx,

I don't know if you knew this, but there is this thing that we call, "mono/poly relationships." Mono/poly means that one partner is monogamous, while the other partner is polyamorous. Is such a thing possible?! Well, it takes some work, and is not super common, but yes it is possible, and there are people who do it successfully. If you wanted to try it, it would probably work like this: Your boyfriend would be poly, and would date multiple people including you, while at the same time, you would be mono, and would date only him. You would be the "mono" part in the mono/poly relationship. Does this sound like something you would want?

Even if you don't want mono/poly, maybe you would want it in the beginning as a temporary thing, to be monogamous on your end until you developed a better understanding of polyamory, and more of a desire to date multiple people. Does this sound like something that would interest you? mono/poly just as a temporary thing, while you work on wrapping your mind around poly for yourself? or maybe you would even like mono/poly as a permanent solution. How about your boyfriend, how would he feel about that? Would you still need him to be hierarchical? to make you the most important of all his partners? Let him know if that's how you feel.

I hope you can work things out with him.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

Kevin, you've been living as a mono leg of a V, yourself, for quite a while, even though you may ID as poly in theory.

That is the sensible thing to suggest here. There is no need for jjnnx to force herself to see multiple people besides her poly bf. Although, since they are long distance, it could help to keep dating and maybe find that mono bf she really wants! She could tell potential dating partners she is long-distance dating a poly guy, but isn't sure this lovestyle is really for her.

BTW, who is actually dating people during this pandemic? What kind of dates can you even have? It's winter here in the northern hemisphere and we can't even do outdoor dining dates now. Maybe a brisk walk 6' apart...

It could be a great idea to just not date at all until we have widespread vaccines. That would also give you time to think about this whole poly concept. And if you do manage to see bf, is he following protocols? Can he travel, fly, cross borders? (I know this is all off topic, but it's something we are all dealing with now, and it's going to get worse before it gets better.)