Newly poly help

S

SomeRabdimSub

New member
I will premise this by the fact that I am very new to poly. Always believed in it but hadn’t been in it. Two of my childhood friends are a married couple, and she has her boyfriend who I have been sleeping with (by their consent and suggestion) and I developed feelings. He has made it clear that she’s first and won’t leave her, and I have tried to reassure him that that is in no way what I want. I have tried my hardest to keep my communication clear at all times.

For the past 2.5 months he has been my dom, but today told me he no longer wants to be so as he doesn’t want me hurt. I know he has never been or would never be mine, but this broke me. I’ve never felt so unwanted or rejected.

This man helped me figure out likes and helped me get over what can only be described as a fear of sex. He has told me before that he enjoys it, and she said that it’s because he doesn’t want to hurt her. What gets me is this is when he called last night because a friend/another man in the polycule was trying to get me in trouble with my now former dom and because he was upset, he snapped and I got seriously scared. He apologized when it was explained as a misunderstanding but I’m hurt that he didn’t talk about it just “I’m not your dom anymore, sorry”. I respect his choice but it hurts.

I’m not sure how to feel. It’s probably a little jealousy, but it’s not that I want to take anything away from anyone. I feel guilty because they have become my found family, and I feel like I’m the issue. We all have our emotional moments going on because of personal struggles, which I’m sure isn’t helping.

Does anyone have any advice? Am I in the wrong? AITA? I’m not sure what to think.
 
he snapped and I got seriously scared....I’m not sure how to feel.
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Relief. You feel relief that this is over.

Sure, it may have been just one incident of feeling scared, but fear is your cue to leave the current situation. If he hadn't ended it, I hope you would have. Fear (outside of intentional fear play) is what most people call a red flag.

Now you have some understanding of your likes and dislikes in sex and kink, take your experience and move forward. Find someone else. Perhaps retain those other chosen family, but spend at least 3 months with no interaction with him, let yourself move on/get over your feelings for him.

BTW, this doesn't sound like your friends were ever polyamorous if I'm reading it right that you'd never be/en together as a couple and he didn't want to hurt your friend (by catching feelings for you? Or something else?)

Fwiw, he was not "your Dom" - he was a Dominant play partner who took you on a part of your journey. You had a person who was a good play partner for a time, but that time has clearly passed. No one is necessarily the asshole, although you have not given enough information (nor do you need to) for a bunch of internet strangers to judge. In relationships, especially early days poly (or open) ones, we often all just figure it out as we go along.

Let yourself and them now go along on whatever trajectory they wish, and you find your new one. Hell, you're not afraid of sex anymore, go have a blast!

I know 2.5 months seems like a lifetime now. I promise it's not. There are other people who will be more available to you and on multiple levels, go find those compatible people.
 
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Hello SomeRabdimSub,

So, is he just ending the Dom part of the relationship, or is he breaking up with you altogether? and if he isn't breaking up with you, are you going to break up with him? It sounds like he went off the deep end there, I'd be worried that it could happen again (and be worse).

In any case, I'm sorry this is happening to you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello SomeRabdimSub,

So, is he just ending the Dom part of the relationship, or is he breaking up with you altogether? and if he isn't breaking up with you, are you going to break up with him? It sounds like he went off the deep end there, I'd be worried that it could happen again (and be worse).

In any case, I'm sorry this is happening to you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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I honestly think it’s healthiest for me to break it off. He wants to be casual but not dom so that “I don’t get hurt” (which is not the case) but really it’s a refusal to communicate with me about it at this point and making me a villain when it’s everyone’s issue. I have friend love but won’t sleep with him anymore, if that makes sense.
 
That makes sense. You still love him as a friend, but his misbehavior has extinguished your romantic feelings for him.
 
So you started playing with the bf of your good friend, with her consent. She even suggested it. But maybe he is not polyamorous. He just wanted a submissive play partner. When you started falling in love with him, he called it off because he didn't want a real relationship with you, just casual sex/kink.

Maybe he's looking out for you. Maybe he really cares whether you get hurt or not. More likely, he's in love with your friend and doesn't have space in his heart for another love (you).

It seems like, as others said, he has helped you along the way to losing your fear of sex. I doubt you're fully over this in just 2.5 months. There is probably some trauma involved in your psyche. So be careful about that as you move forward. BDSM can be very healing, but actual psychotherapy might be needed, as well.

I am sorry you fell in love with someone who didn't return your feelings. I wish you luck moving forward!
 
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