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I've been too busy living life to record it.

Part of the busyness was having my son here for a week around Thanksgiving. He's fun but demands a lot of attention. He met Kahlo on Thanksgiving. We had 4 guests for dinner, K and 2 of her friends who are single and don't have family nearby, plus son. Then Kahlo and Punk came over for dessert. We had a fire, we played games.K's friend is a grower and brought special brownies. I myself got quite smashed. I went to bed at midnight and was basically half tripping half sleeping. Kahlo and Pixi and my son stayed up til 3. I could hear them talking philosophy from bed. lol

After my son left, I went to see Rick. A great date, he didn't want me to leave. I will say for him that when you're there, he's 100% focused on you. And the kinky sex is top notch! The talk in between kinky sex sessions is great too, intellectual/spiritual give and take. Then more sex. Then cuddles, aftercare, laughter and serious talks too. He made a pout when his son came home and I felt I needed to go. I was there at least 6 hours.

But that was over 2 weeks ago. And I don't see us meeting anytime again soon. He says his mind is chaos. I think he has ADHD. And maybe? Glori is a little jealous of me, of his other women? I wouldn't blame her, really. I think he bites off more than he can chew. I think his lofty ideas for a Leather House are pipe dreams, more or less.

I messaged him last Friday and he seemed to be having issues with Glori. I won't go into what he said, but he was grumpy. I messaged him on Monday this week asking if he was free Thursday (tomorrow). He said, probably but he didn't know, his mind is chaos. Hmph! So I left it there.

In the meantime, I didn't see Kahlo for 2 weeks, as he's getting settled in his new city. We did text a bit and had one long phone conversation, and that was lovely. He much prefers the phone for real talks. I'm so used to texting but I admit it's super nice to hear his voice.

At one point in between Rick and Kahlo, I was contacted by a likely prospect on OKCupid. I figured I'd check him out, since both my guys are long distance, and who knows what's happening with Rick. He was a 99% match. He was only 2 years younger than me, but seemed intelligent and nice and he was good looking, tall, long hair, trimmed beard. So I said yes when he asked me out. We met for dinner last week some time. It wasn't good. He hadn't been with a woman in 2 years. He's been divorced for 10 years and didn't seem over it. She had a mental illness, BPD, was abusive. He has depression, is a recovering alcoholic! Every conversational topic we tried turned to a downer. Also his tall good looks reminded me unpleasantly of an ex who will not be named. How deceiving a 99% match can be!

I damn well let him pay for dinner. The next morning he messaged me to say he thought I was very sweet, charming and adventurous, but polyamory wasn't for him. I thought, Thank god.

So saving best news for last, Kahlo returned this past weekend and spent the night for the first time! He was going to come on Saturday but we had a snowstorm. My friend T was throwing a cookie swap party on Sunday at 2. Kahlo had heard about his parties from me and wanted to come. So he got here Sunday at noon.

Lo and behold, Pixi's reclusive bf came out of his shell and wanted to come too! We'd never met except for a brief hello one time. So it was a treat. He was as nice as could be, just like a normal person lol. I arrived with Kahlo and Pixi had been at her Master's and they arrived together. Pixi and I both made our own cookies.

Pixi and I had been to T's for dinner a few days previously and gotten a preview of what he'd done with his apartment. It's wonderful what some gay men do with decorating! So that was a mini housewarming and the party was a big celebration. He has every room a different pretty color, orange, purple, teal and pink! He has more unpacking to do but it already looks wonderful.

Then after the party, we left again with our bfs. Kahlo and I basically tore each others' clothes off as soon as we walked in the door. Pixi came home an hour and a half later. Kahlo and I had just finished. We ordered Chinese food and watched The Cabinet of Dr Caligari. I got too tired to watch the whole thing. (I'm so much better but not 100%) So we stopped it and went to bed.

I spent the night in my bed with Kahlo. Pixi slept in the guest bed. It was her idea, she was quite fine with it.

I don't think Kahlo knew where he was going to sleep. lol. He probably hasn't spent the night with a woman in at least 2 years. Well! He just couldn't keep his hands off me. Even after a couple sex sessions he kept reaching over to me to tweak one of my erogenous areas. I don't know if he was even aware he was doing it. Finally I got up at 6 and moved to the couch for a couple hours of actual sleep. He slept on in my bed. It was pretty funny.

I had to go to chiro at 10 and when I got home around 11 he was still in bed but just waking up. Oddly he seemed content to cuddle since he was still sleepy, but I was not about to stand for that after all the tweaking in the wee hours. Sheesh! I did various things to him and he got ragingly aroused in short order. Ha!

I think our noise, whack! ohhh! etc., woke Pixi eventually. She got up about when we emerged and we watched the rest of the movie and drank coffee all cosy like. Me in the middle on the couch, touching legs and hands of my sweeties. Kahlo and I had leftover Chinese food.

As he was about to leave, Kahlo said a very boyfriendy kind of thing. "When did we meet? It hasn't been that long, but I feel I've known you a very long time." :eek: :eek: :eek:

He will be back for my Yule ritual/party. I skipped it last year when I was so sick so I am looking forward to it. I'd invited Rick and Glori but I'm sure he's forgotten despite being enthusiastic and fascinated at the time. So it will be a nice quiet intimate meditative ritual, and then a nice feast. I should think of something vegan to make for him.

I'd invite Punk since he enjoyed it back in 2015 but I want freedom to have lots of sex with Kahlo. And Punk is atheist... Kahlo is much more spiritual-- like me!
 
I had a very busy and super fun holiday season. Kahlo ended up being in this area for 2 weeks solid, from Yule to a week after New Years. He spent so much time here with me. It was great! Our relationship really progressed.

The Yule ritual went so well. Pixi put on Latin Xmas music from Tidal. He was pleased and danced Latin dances with me. We also added a Mexican Catholic ritual with a doll representing Jesus after the pagan ritual. Kahlo was so sweet with the doll. I caught him cuddling it, a boy Cabbage Patch Kid of mine, lol.

We also had an ice storm when Kahlo was here. We only lost power for 2 1/2 hours, but it was fun. We had a fire and candles and I cuddled Kahlo on the couch, and Pixi sat nearby and I read to them by flashlight. We were all kind of disappointed when the power came back.

I have so many sweet memories. Pixi was back and forth between here and her Master's. We had my son over for 4 days over Xmas.

We went out for Chinese food on Xmas Day with K and another gal and my son.

Pixi spent New Year's Eve/Day with her Master, and I had Kahlo here. He even finally played guitar for me. He's pretty shy about it. But he was really good! I found out he went to Berklee School of Music (prestigious Boston college) for 2 years. All his family is musical.

All in all, such a great time. I felt almost normal health-wise, able to do pretty much anything I wanted to do.

About 5 days after New Year's I started experiencing a crash in energy. Dammit! I guess I over-extended myself. Also, Kahlo and I ended up doing some rope play that was highly demanding on me, physically and emotionally, wore me out.

So I've been needing to rest more and ration out my energy the last 10 days or so. Kahlo went back to the more Western city finally. He's been gone about a week. He stayed here so long over the holidays partly because his vehicle needed some work done at his local garage. When he left he told me he'd be back in a week since his van needed one more thing done, but we texted yesterday (it's been a week since he left) and now he's saying he's not sure when he will be back.

Hopefully we will have a phone call today and I can suss out more about when I can get him to visit. Or maybe I will take a turn and go see him. I miss him, he's important to me, and I know he's feeling really positive about me.

I've been talking to Rick a little bit. His life is still chaotic. He had an old knee injury flare up and need surgery. He's now 3 weeks out from surgery, doing PT, feeling cabin fever.

His gf signed a lease on a house, and it will be The House he's been wanting. He said they will move in, in 2 weeks. In 3 weeks he should be healed from surgery. I know he's put me on a back burner... but gosh. I still find him kind of fascinating, and I know he likes me even if he doesn't quite know what to do with me. I enjoy his company and the stellar sex. And now that it's been a week since I've seen Kahlo and gotten good boy sex, and we don't have a date planned, I find myself fantasising about Rick more! That's how I am. lol

In other news, fucking OK Cupid has changed its policies and it seems you don't get new messages now unless you pay the $20 or whatever a year. Fucking match.com sellout! I might need to fork it over.

Pixi wants to plan a trip to her hometown for sometime in the not too distant future. I also want to get down to FL to see my sister and father. Last year I didn't travel at all because cancer.

Our friend T got a bunch of Fandango movie tickets as a Xmas gift and took us out to the movies last night. (I fed him homemade vegetarian lasagna as a thank you.) We saw The Shape of Water. OMG. So good. I'd seen the director Guillermo del Toro win Best Director on the Golden Globes recently. (It makes me happy he's Mexican like Kahlo.) I didn't know much what to expect, but it was SO GOOD. Romantic, unusual, sexy, exciting, philosophical... it just hit all the buttons for me. I highly recommend you go, if you love movies, or at least rent/stream it when it comes out.
 
I just saw Shape of Water too and echo everything you said about it. (Though as usual with de Toro it feels like the beauty gets amplified by the bits of really horrific violence - it wasn't THAT graphic but still got to me much worse than far more brutal movies. But that's how I always react to his stuff - I've yet to bring myself to watch Pan's Labyrinth again, despite having *adored* it when I saw it in theaters.)
 
icesong said:
I just saw Shape of Water too and echo everything you said about it. (Though as usual with de Toro it feels like the beauty gets amplified by the bits of really horrific violence - it wasn't THAT graphic but still got to me much worse than far more brutal movies. But that's how I always react to his stuff - I've yet to bring myself to watch Pan's Labyrinth again, despite having *adored* it when I saw it in theaters.)
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I didn't mind the violence. It didn't last long, and I'm pretty immune to violence from years of watching Walking Dead lol

So Kahlo did call me last night. He really prefers calls to texting, unlike most people I know. I am used to it now and even enjoy it. I love his sexy accent mmm... He was in really good spirits and we just laughed and joked and teased each other almost the whole time. He just seemed so happy to talk to me. <3 He's going to come back tomorrow (the 18th) to see his sister for her birthday, finish up at the garage with his van, and most importantly, see me! Yay. :):):)

We must have talked close to an hour. He's working on starting a business and he'd been at the library researching and designing a website.

Meanwhile Pixi was making this incredibly complicated stew her Master had made a few weeks ago and she wanted to try. It has beef and carrots and potatoes and onions and parsnips and Guinness and bittersweet chocolate and strong coffee and soy sauce and Worcestershire sauce and nuac mam (Asian fermented fish sauce)!! You brown up the veggies and meat and then add the other stuff and put it in a Dutch oven into the oven. It took her hours to make!

We started watching Hellboy while we ate. Dinner was late because it took so darn long. Hellboy is also a del Toro film. I'd seen parts of it years ago when my kids watched it. It was ... OK. More of a typical super hero action type film. Not romantic and moving like Shape of Water. There were some similar characters and themes tho. We'll finish watching it tonight.
 
Kahlo ended up unable to come visit this past weekend. I wasn't sure of his situation in the western city... he had told me he'd moved there and into a rent free place with this guy who wanted to write and play music with him.

I didn't really know much about Kahlo's financial situation. We cover so many topics when we get together (and spend a lot of time sexing), so we are still discovering each other's personal history. So, since he wasn't coming this weekend, I asked him to call me. We had a close to 3 hour phone conversation.

It turns out he is bartering his services, in return for houseing, as basically a personal care assistant to this musician guy. This roommate guy has some serious health issues and needed help. So Kahlo has been doing that. On top of his basic health issues, this guy came down with the flu. His mother was there helping too, but she had to return to Worcester because chronic health problems of her own cropped up too! So Kahlo had to stay and care for the guy.

We also talked about his other financial resource. Kahlo has been living on savings for a year or two, from previous "real jobs." He lives quite frugally and is focused on started his own business, as I already knew.

So our talk was more serious than before. We also both admitted to having gone on one unsuccessful OKC date each. I'd been asking him about living in Western city where he only knows his roommate. He told me he'd gone on this date, but it didn't work out. I was wondering more about platonic friend possibilities and was kind of taken aback he'd gone on a potentially romantic date.

Silly me. I've got Pixi here and I still met with that tall depressive guy as a potential bf. But I guess I don't want Kahlo to meet a girl out there, and become enamoured of her, making him less likely to keep coming back here to see me!

I offered to come visit him sometimes so we can share the commute. But he said the apartment is small and there is little privacy so that wouldn't work out.:(

So I am all a little jealous and fearful of how this is going to end up. But I knew Kahlo was a free spirit type when we started to engage. And he's not really happy living in New England. A lot of his family lives in MA (as far as I know, 2 sisters, a brother, his mom, and at least one aunt and uncle). So he's got ties here. But he misses California, he lived there 2 years prior to coming back to MA. And he prefers it there, climate-wise at least, I think culture-wise also. Also, his father and many cousins still live in Mexico City and he likes to go there as well! He's trying to decide whether to stay here or to make CA his residence, since if his business takes off, he wants to be established somewhere. But he told me on our last real visit that having me in his life now is also a factor in his decision making process. sigh...

Anyhoo.... he is definitely coming here on this coming Thursday. He'll come here first, then on Friday go to his mom's and get her help getting his vehicle to the garage for its final tinkering. Then he'll return to me on Sunday if not sooner, and we've got another T party to go to. This party's theme is soup. T is baking bread and everyone else is making soup. Has to be vegetarian. Hmph. I've got some good soup recipes I like to do, but they are with chicken. I am thinking I'll let Pixi come up with a soup and maybe I will make cookies for a dessert item. (Just to be a rebel. A rebel who isn't vegetarian and has a sweet tooth.)

Kahlo joked he'll bring his own recipe, cream of mushroom (ha ha).

Last night K and yet another of her fun lady friends came over in the evening. Pixi was late coming home from her Master's (he was watching football and she fell asleep on his lap lol). So I entertained the ladies and we ordered pizza, ate it, and had started a movie before Pixi got home. It was a fun evening. K's disc golf friend was cute and amusing and a lesbian. K on the other hand, actually asked a male disc golf friend out on a date! That will be coming up soon. She's been wanting a partner for a long time, and finally made a move on someone. So I hope that works out for her. She hasn't been with a cis man in a long time, certainly not since she moved up here from the South.
 
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OMG Guillermo del Toro...

I love his films. I need to get Cronos and The Devil's Backbone, and watch those.

Have you seen Crimson Peak? I'm a sucker for "house porn" and that movie has woodwork to die for. Also, Hellboy is meh, but Hellboy II is my favorite film (I mean, my favorite movie period, of all movies ever.) Just there is this Angel of Death thing in it, that even though it only gets one scene, is one of the most amazing visuals ever. I want a huge animatronic one, like if I ever designed a dream house, like as crazy as I wanted, I'd have a marble floored entry lobby sort of space with the big staircase, and in the center would be that thing, slowly shifting and gracefully gesturing... *le sigh*

I need to see The Shape of Water. I need to hurry up and do this before it's no longer in theaters, darn it! I keep forgetting.
 
Yeah, you better do that!

I'm glad you think Hellboy 2 is better than 1. I can see how 1 was groundbreaking for its time but to me, now, it was just kind of a lot of fighting action and seemed like a typical comic book thing. Which is not my thing.
 
Magdlyn said:
Yeah, you better do that!

I'm glad you think Hellboy 2 is better than 1. I can see how 1 was groundbreaking for its time but to me, now, it was just kind of a lot of fighting action and seemed like a typical comic book thing. Which is not my thing.
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I actually saw 2 way before I saw 1. And I was deeply moved by it. Much later I saw 1 and I was like, "meh." Really the only part I remember liking about the first one, is the moment where his horns grow back, he looks particularly masculine and sexy and a powerful, demonic kind of way. There's just a moment there, I really liked.

The second one also has much more character development, meaningful plot, cool creatures...it's just better, in pretty much every way. I only own the DVD of the second film. Don't need the DVD of the first one.
 
So, Kahlo is here in my area for a long, 2 week stay. Turns out his presence isn't needed with his ailing roommate (in exchange for free rent) all the time. So far he's been around a week and I've seen him twice. A frustrating thing is, he stays the nights at his brother's. (Partly because he's an extreme night owl and I am so not.) And there is absolutely no cell reception there. There is phone call service but he never calls me unless we text first to set it up. Well, he did once, but of course I was busy that time and couldn't talk! So, I text him to talk on the phone, or actually come over, and I don't hear back unless he leaves his brother's house to run errands or something, and he then gets my text. But moving on...

This post is going to be about sex. I've been a little shy to put this out there, but I kind of need to vent it out. So here goes.

Kahlo came straight to me the day he got to the area last Thursday (one week ago). We had a nice time, but I was super super horny and didn't feel satisfied when we were done having sex. After talking generally for an hour or so, he started to get handsy. :) On my initiative, we then watched a porn video (more on that below). We then had sex, for like a half an hour. He came... and then he wasn't interested in any more sex. I tried to initiate on and off for the rest of the night (he was here like 7 hours), until 2 am, and nothing happened. Just couldn't get another rise out of him. Grrr. I felt kind of rejected and ugh... frustrated! Whine! I think his NRE is over. sigh... I shouldn't get disheartened, this was the first time this has happened.

When we first started seeing each other, the first few dates and times we had sex, he didn't cum. Which led to him not being satisfied, which led to multiple sex sessions on each date. (I started to wonder if it was a form of ED, but it was just a case of needing to feel comfortable with a new partner.) Which meant a ton of Os for me, which of course I loved. Now that he feels more comfortable around me (it's been 6 months) he almost always cums in the first session. And if that session is long enough lasting (2 hours or at least an hour and a half of various kink and fucking is good), I cum enough, get enough kinky impact play, to lead to me being satisfied. But last Thursday he came after a relatively short session (like 30 minutes) and so I was left feeling frustrated. It was a bummer because we hadn't seen each other in about 2 weeks so I was expecting more.

I saw him again on Sunday. My friend T threw one of his parties in the afternoon. It was the 2nd party Kahlo came to with me.:) He was much less shy and more engaged with the guests, so that was fun to see. (It was a Soup Tasting party and we also played board and card games, fun!) He also looked really fine (so it was fun to show him off). He is growing his hair out and it tend to fall straight down in front of his eyes. It's thick shiny perfectly straight raven black Native American hair, so beautiful. It's going to look amazing when it's long. He's just started wearing a bandana to keep it out of his eyes, and that looks super awesome, adorable, cute, handsome in a bad boy way. He's got a small salt and pepper goatee and mustache. That's all the facial hair he can grow. I love his looks. Woof. Anyway...!

Pixi came too, but not her Master this time. I kinda liked going as a V. It felt so nice. Special. Everyone of T's friends is either trans/queer/gay/poly/kinky/former sex worker/Ds (or a combination) so it's a nice space for a V to be. Last party in December, Pixi and I both brought our bfs. That was also nice in a completely different way.

When we got home however, Kahlo was very tired. He'd been up til 5 am that morning (he's such a night owl, this his his norm) but he got up at 10 to be ready for the party, which was at 1PM.

Also, he has this bad pain in his upper left arm these days. He has seen a doctor about it but so far she's been no help. He did see a chiro for it sometime in the past, and she said it was related to a spine imbalance. He had adjustments but only stuck it out for 2 months, gave up when he didn't get relief. I have told him again and again it can take 6 months to get relief from pain using chiro, in my experience. He says he wants to try again, but he doesn't seem quite ready to commit. So that was bothering him.

But we did have good kinky sex. It could have lasted longer, but I came real hard. :) I came multiple but I could have cum twice as many times if we'd gone at it longer. He didn't cum. He was tired and in pain and we just gradually stopped. I was OK with that... I got spanked/flogged a lot and fucked hard too. It was good. Good enough.

So after sex he napped for an hour. Then we watched TV with Pixi and snuggled. At 11 I was ready for bed. (It had been a long day, since I'd spent the entire morning making a fancy miso mushroom soup, and then we had the party.) I asked him to tuck me in. I got in bed and covered up. He came around to my side of the bed and sort of patted me. I pulled back the covers so my ass was exposed (he's an ass man lol). He stroked it for a while and then just sort of stopped. Finally I reached back and held his hand and said, I guess you just don't feel like fucking me again. That's OK. He said, Yeah, but I'll be back soon. And he covered me up. But then immediately started rubbing and squeezing me through the covers and suddenly the covers were off and he was moving my hips this way and that, manhandling me into positions and getting on my back to fuck me doggie style, and sideways, spank me etc. (Oh the mind of a Dom is a strange thing lol) Once again he didn't cum (probably the arm pain) and eventually he got softer and softer and sex was done. But I was very happy to have gotten more sex! Ah, thank god. :)

So now let me back up and add this issue: it's very odd, and you'd think this could almost be a deal breaker, but he doesn't like to finger me! So odd. He does do Toppy things which I love: impact play, rough fucking, some breast play, breath control, making me blow him a lot. (I adore giving oral. I like getting oral, but I love giving it.) Sometimes we do blindfolds, ropes, clothespins (and several other more extreme kink things I won't mention). I love his dominant nature during sex/kink so much! It's awesome. Good lord.

But it didn't quite make me fine with not getting fingered all these months. It just feels like something is missing. Something I love a lot. I haven't addressed this before since I am his submissive in sex/kink. I didn't want to be too needy and throw off the power exchange dynamic. But when we aren't doing sex, he is so kind and sweet, intellectually curious and vulnerable, dear and tender. I thought I could bring it up. I was kinda scared to! I've never really had a Top before where I felt I needed to ask for something as common and simple as fingering.

So one week ago, when he arrived I had a porn video cued up to play for him. One of my favorite scenes with one of my favorite adult actresses. Her partner fingers her and makes her cum really hard (she's a world class squirter), and then he fucks her super well too. I introduced it to Kahlo teasingly as an "educational video" about fingering. I had put thought into which video to share. One where something he doesn't do, fingering, was balanced with something he does very well, intense fucking.

We'd talked about fingering the last time he'd been here (during the nice cuddling and talking and aftercare we almost always do after sex). I brought it up. He was asking me how I liked to be fingered. I thought that was weird, since he's over 40 and you'd think he'd know the standard things to do: rub the clit, and also penetrate. Either with the first or middle finger, or the 2 middle fingers. And fuck the fingers in and out, as you'd fuck with your cock. There is also plenty of information out there about doing that beckoning move on the G spot. He didn't say much when I explained it verbally that night, and he didn't try it right after the video on last Thursday. I guess, because he is an introvert and a Top, he needed to think it over, and make it seem like his idea. Maybe? heh

So. On Sunday before sex, we were lying on the couch after coming home from the party, resting from the socializing. I'd put on a nightgown thing. Finally he reached for me and fingered me a little, just the way he'd seen on the video. Clit first, then inside. And it was great. Could've gone on longer and with more intensity. But a good start!

--I've asked him before if he had some kind of fluid aversion. (He also doesn't French kiss or give oral.) He denied he did, but I wonder... Before my request and the video, the only way he'd really touch my pussy is to just take and press or pinch my labia together, often through my thin pants or panties. Which feels very good, but made me wonder what he's got against actually touching a naked pussy.

But anyway, after that bit of fingering, he started joyously and intensely fucking me on the couch. I got to the point where I knew I was going to make a mess, and he knew that too. So he said, let's go to bedroom (where my mattress protector pads are, in the closet). He stood up and his rigid cock looked really good so I blew him a little. Then we went to the bedroom and I spread out a mattress protector. I was standing at the foot of the bed after covering the mattress up. He leaned me over and fucked me for a few minutes, and it felt wonderful. I had to get up quick and kneel on the bed so I could squirt down into the pad. So much fluid came out, so hard and fast. I am sure it was because of the effort he made to finger me, partly the physical sensation, and partly the emotional tenderness I felt that he made the effort.
 
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I'd noticed when we'd watched the video with all the squirting and hard orgasms that, each time the actress came, Kahlo gave this little soft delighted slightly dirty chuckle. I noticed in the midst of my cumming that he chuckled then too. It was so cute. I like when a partner appreciates this talent, or propensity of mine.

Now I am wondering and hoping if Kahlo will continue to finger me. I hope so.

Anyone else who is in a Ds relationship want to chime in? How do you introduce to your Dom/Top a request for a certain activity? I guess in the past Tops have asked me if I'd like this or that. Kahlo is more of a taker. He does what he wants. I guess I've asked for certain kink activities, this or that toy. But asking for something basic like fingering seems more risky. I feel it should be a given in making love to a woman. Not even optional. To me, giving me oral is nice, and a real bonus, but I can sort of live without it. But fingering? I must have it. It's almost impossible for Pixi to properly finger me because of her handicaps in her arms and hands. She tries but it's hard for her, even painful. So I really need it from an OSO.
 
The only input I have on this, is that sometimes I find it hopelessly awkward to verbalize what I want...it makes me feel all shy and weird. In particular when I'm trying to ask a partner for something. I could probably say it to pretty much anyone else, BUT the person I NEED to say it to. I guess maybe part of this is the psychology of partner-pleasing and not wanting to risk injuring his ego by saying I want more than what he's doing? I know that's some really deep programming going back a long way.

However, I find it much easier to write/type my thoughts, than to speak them. I can work my way around that feeling if I send him a message, via fetlife or email or something. Even something like sharing naughty fantasies or things that turn me on, he uses that to fuel dirty talk even if it's not something he would actually be into doing (such as a fantasy involving multiple men...maybe he isn't comfortable with us doing that, doesn't mean he can't talk about it during sex, though!) So if for some reason you're running into a block...maybe tell him that you would like to talk about something you want...and ask if you can share it in writing somehow, if that is more comfortable?
 
In other news, today is my 9 year anniversary with Pixi, of our first date. :):):)

We've pretty much decided on dinner and a movie out in the theater. There is a new Asian restaurant in town. We got takeout once, and went there on Xmas day with friends and family. I think it would be nice to go back there. We can get Japanese, Korean and/or Chinese. I can have a mai tai, yum yum.

We saw Shape of Water already. Maybe we should go see Daniel Day Lewis' latest (last?) movie. We have heard he is retiring from acting, since he gets too into his roles and is exhausted.

I've Topped Pixi a couple times in the last week or two. Flogged her good. She hasn't seemed to be putting out any sex vibes, just wanted the kink.

Between that and the absence of Kahlo for a couple weeks, I've had to do myself. I know my sex drive is ridiculous. No one can really ever satisfy me. Just like the Stones song.

But I try try try try try.

I never used to be much of a porn watcher but unfortunately as I get older, my sex drive is just as high, and with a partner, my sexual response is great, I cum really easily and intensely, but on my own my fantasies and vibrator just don't seem to cut it. So, twice in the past couple weeks, before Kahlo returned and in between last Thursday and Sunday, I've had marathon sessions on my own, 2 hours one time, 3 hours another time.

Men talk about being so horny, it makes them want to fuck women so bad, they do everything from pressuring a woman unrelentlessly, to getting her drunk, to actually raping her. I think that is awful. I have the sex drive of a young man or teenager but I know my libido is my own responsibility. I never would use Pixi as a mere cum dump. I've worked out strategies over the years with her to achieve some kind of (temporary) satisfaction. Either masturbating on my own (she's given me several vibes and is fine with my watching porn when she's walking around the house), or cuddling her as I touch myself, as long as I don't touch her breasts or genitals.

When I was seeing former bfs Ginger and Punk, they lived close-by. Both of them liked to come over 2 or 3 times a week and do me. Those were good times. I don't have that now. Even when Kahlo lived here full time, he only came over once a week. Granted he stays for 6-8 hours most times. He's stayed over a couple times. Just lately, when he's here, he doesn't screw me several times. :confused: Just once, maybe twice. So I've had to take my own edge off by masturbating. I prefer fucking!:mad:

I've got an older man, he's 56, on Fetlife who is very interested in me. He seems to have a lot of good qualities. He's artistic, poly, and into nature, used to grow a certain cash crop (not weed lol), now does other freelance work. He is a Dom or Top. He has a lot of pix on his profile of his gf tied up and put to the test with various toys. Looks really yummy, like he really knows his stuff. He's so well spoken and humorous and into flea markets and photography like I am. Also, he lives 100 yards from the ocean, the beach, which sounds fantastic.

The negatives though, (like Kahlo and Rick): he's over an hour away. Also, he's old fashionedly against technology. He has an old flip phone, no GPS, doesn't text. He's allergic to dogs. He's also short and overweight. Not usually something I got for in a guy. I haven't seen a pic of him yet. If he's super cute it could make up for his body type.

He wants to talk on the phone this week. Today would be a good day. Tonight I have the date with Pixi and tomorrow she goes to her Master's for an entirely new thing: a weeknight overnight stay! It's so cute how he keeps letting her more and more into his life.

Anyway, since I NEED more sex/kink than Kahlo is currently providing, I might have to meet this guy and see if there is chemistry enough to make the trip worthwhile.

I haven't heard from Rick in weeks again. He should be healed from his surgery and moved into his new house by now. I still hope he gets in touch when he's settled. I KNOW I like him and his skinny ass body and his delicious kisses and oral and and massages and enthusiasm and fascinating intellect, and big ol' cock. lol
 
Distance is a killer. I feel for you. There is no popping round for a quick fuck and chat. It has to be planned.
 
Thanks for the feedback and support, Spork and Atlantis!

I'm not sure writing out my requests would work with Kahlo, since he really prefers talking to writing or reading. He only uses texting for short messages like, "I'm on my way," and the like. I don't think he uses email much if at all.

I guess talking while spooning worked... so I didn't have to look into his eyes. And I thought using porn would work on a man, since they are so sight oriented. I'm supposed to see him tonight, so we'll see if the fingering is going to keep happening or not.

I'm actually kind of hurt by his distance this week, even though he's in my area. Last Sunday he told me he'd been to a raw foods con a day or 2 previous, and met some guys who are musicians. That is a huge goal of his, to jam or start a band and play on a regular basis. So first he hurt his sore shoulder on Saturday wherever he was with these guys, helping move a big amp. On Sunday he told me that they practice/jam Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursdays. So he said he was invited to go play. And would, if his shoulder allowed. So! Apparently he did go play.

On Wednesday I texted him and told him he could come over on Thursday, Friday or Saturday. Pixi was going to spend Thursday and Saturday overnight at her Master's, so Kahlo and I could have the house to ourselves either or both of those nights. Well, hmph! When he finally got back to me he said he'd come Friday, the one night she's home. So, he chose to play guitars instead of be alone with me on Thursday, and Saturday night is .... a cousin's birthday party! He chose his cousin over me too. And this is the first I've heard about this cousin, I don't think they are super close or anything.

Which makes me feel all snarky and sarcastic. Because he has several cousins, siblings, mother, aunts and uncles in the area who have birthday parties like every 3 weeks! God forbid his miss one to see me instead, on his short visit here.

Instead of being able to walk naked around the house and have sex anywhere we want, out of courtesy to Pixi we have to pretty much confine sex and nudity to the bedroom. And no naked cooking. Sharing couch space when we go to watch TV. All that.

Well. I tried to hold my hurt in when I texted him back to confirm to see him Friday (tonight). But all this along with the less enthusiastic sex than I'm used to, led to me texting Rick yesterday morning. We had the nicest chat. Like an hour and a half. He's all moved into his new house with his gf. It's a 3 storey house. They each have a bedroom on the top floor, the 2nd floor has bedrooms for their kids (they both have part time custody of kids from former relationships/marriages), and there is one more bedroom on the first floor for roommates. He is eager to see me, was back to his perky active self, all lovey and flirty and cute. He is finishing up a list of things to get finished and fixed up with the house to make it livable (it's from 1750 and it's a rental but they are installing lines for a washer and dryer), doing some clearing of pricker bushes in the yard etc.

And I also called the guy from Fetlife last night. We talked for an hour and a half too. We covered a lot of ground since it was talking not texting. It was kind of like a first date! We set up an actual first date for next week, meeting for lunch halfway between our towns. He was nice, we spoke on a wide range of subjects. I found out more about his relationship with his current gf/sub, and what else he is looking for relationship-wise, as well as much about his general history.
 
Maybe the spine, shoulder and arm issues make it painful for him to finger you? I know I don't want to give finger fucking when my arm or shoulders are hurting. And since he's a dude, maybe he doesn't want to admit that? Occurred to me there might be a simpler explanation for his reluctance.

I feel your high libido pain, Mags. I also am very high libido. Seeing three people is not enough. There is also the fact that the more sex I have, the more I want. There has been this carousel of them being sick, me being sick, having long days of work and them just being tired. It's meant I haven't had sex with Oak and Willow for about a month. And my FWB is dealing with a hernia so he's been mostly out of action. It's not one's fault. Life happens. But it is so frustrating! I find that if I have sex about twice a week, I am so much happier and well-adjusted. Sometimes with three people that happens. But often it doesn't. I definitely am worse off. I am thinking of going back on OKC or trying Pure, a hook up app (although I'm not really into hookups right now and OKC has been a wasteland for me lately) just to try and get some sexual needs met.

I did get a spiffy new vibrator. That helps some. But there really isn't any substitute for skin on skin. Anyway, I just wanted to sympathize with you.

The struggle is real! (As the kids say :D)
 
opalescent said:
Maybe the spine, shoulder and arm issues make it painful for him to finger you? I know I don't want to give finger fucking when my arm or shoulders are hurting. And since he's a dude, maybe he doesn't want to admit that? Occurred to me there might be a simpler explanation for his reluctance.
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Thanks for helping me think, but I really don't think it's that. He just seems to have an aversion to getting his fingers wet! He's fine with my ejaculate getting all over his abdomen and cock, but somehow not his fingers... very weird. He is right handed and the shoulder pain is on his left.

Being a bit of a sadist, he seems to enjoy more giving me (enjoyably moderate) pain, or challenging my submissiveness in other ways. And I like those activities very much! But as far as giving my actual pussy pleasure, it's his cock or nothing. I see him tonight so I hope to negotiate more fingering. I think if I keep clothes on longer I am more likely to get more of that kind of foreplay rather than letting him get my clothes off sooner. Seems when we are naked, the cock goes in my mouth or pussy just a bit too soon. Which was fine when we were having 3 or 4 sessions on a date, but not if all I get now is once!

I've also noticed that he is rolling his eyes now at my little jokes that involve sex. I love to joke. And I do love funny little sexual innuendo jokes, either with my partners or to a lesser extent, with platonic friends. It's almost like he is starting to not like them now, whereas before he found them funny or a turn on! Ugh.
I feel your high libido pain, Mags. I also am very high libido. Seeing three people is not enough. There is also the fact that the more sex I have, the more I want. There has been this carousel of them being sick, me being sick, having long days of work and them just being tired. It's meant I haven't had sex with Oak and Willow for about a month. And my FWB is dealing with a hernia so he's been mostly out of action. It's not one's fault. Life happens. But it is so frustrating! I find that if I have sex about twice a week, I am so much happier and well-adjusted. Sometimes with three people that happens. But often it doesn't. I definitely am worse off. I am thinking of going back on OKC or trying Pure, a hook up app (although I'm not really into hookups right now and OKC has been a wasteland for me lately) just to try and get some sexual needs met.

I did get a spiffy new vibrator. That helps some. But there really isn't any substitute for skin on skin. Anyway, I just wanted to sympathize with you.

The struggle is real! (As the kids say :D)
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Thanks so much, Opal! I agree too, the more sex I get the more I want! And nothing beats skin to skin.

I think that is one reason women are meant to be polysexual, our massive sexual capacity... and one reason men have so sought to control women's sexuality, to the point many women think it's bad to have any libido at all in our culture, for many hundreds of years.
 
Magdlyn, your words make me think about things I feel. So thanks for that. :)

No matter what I want to say, think, or wish into being, there is a state that comes and goes for me. Sometimes I crave the Worm King. Period, full stop. Sometimes I don't.

When I do, I wish I could negotiate for a sort of semi-poly hall pass. I think about how I might ask for such a thing. Problem is, it would hurt Zen, and I adore him...FUCK do I adore him...I don't want to be the cause of pain for him. He would feel very "not enough." And it doesn't help that he's technically "allowed" to have sex with other women, given how particular his requirements are for a female partner, and how it's a damn miracle he found me, the odds of that happening are just...almost none. Minuscule, to the point of near impossibility. It's one reason the "OPP" for us is kinda a sham. Because him having sex with another gal, just ain't likely. We're far closer to just being monogamous, but with "service top" play to some point "allowed" on both sides, but full on ~sex~ not likely outside of our dyad.

Sometimes I think I never should have agreed to any kind of restrictions at all of this kind.

But then I am like...the only other dude I crave in the slightest, is Worm King, who is a bad idea for reasons and maybe I couldn't even convince him to be my occasional FB, I don't know. (Because of course I haven't discussed any of this with him, I wouldn't, under the circumstances.) I have exactly zero interest in sex with a new and unknown man.

Is that weird? It feels weird.

But it's the fact that my "extra-Zen" overflow of desire and neediness is attached to a bad-idea-man, that has kept me from wanting to renegotiate anything. But it's that exact experience I want, if anything beyond what I've got. None other. And I don't want him in place of Zen, just as a spice, a rare and occasional supplement. *sigh* Maybe just want something BECAUSE I don't have it, could I just be that persnickety?

My sex drives make me feel complicated and junk.

So somehow it feels like a comfort to hear other women saying they want a lot of sex and one guy is often not really enough and all this sort of thing. No matter what I may or may not do about it...somehow this is a comfort.

Again, thanks.
 
Hey Spork, I think it's common for anyone to sometimes crave, sometimes intensely, a former lover with which things just didn't work out. I think the pain around that depends on how much you can manifest the good things they brought to you, with healthier lovers and situations/relationships. There's a reason or reasons you're no longer with that old lover...

Also, I've found that time and perspective helps. I still sometimes wistfully miss Nick. He Topped me perfectly. We only had 3 or 4 sessions. He had a wife and a gf and 2 kids, a demanding career, and he really didn't have time for a 3rd relationship. :( But it's been 2 1/2 years since we hung out, and I have moved from sadness to mostly just thinking of that special time with fondness, and very little painful nostalgia or craving. I hope you can move on too.

So... I feel quite good about how things went with Kahlo on Friday. He didn't end up arriving until 7:45. I didn't text him to find out exactly when he was coming. I just took a late afternoon nap and let him get in touch. He messaged me while I was napping to tell me when he'd arrive.

I was ready for a relationship talk of sorts, but it turned out actual actions were what worked. When he arrived we just sort of hung out and chatted for an hour or so on general topics. Turned out he only played guitar with one of the new guys, only on Tuesday and Thursday. Not quite sure what he did Wednesday. He wasn't overly impressed with the jamming, it seemed just OK, so far.

I also found out that the cousin is having her 21st birthday party, so it's kind of a big deal. People do have family obligations. I understand this. I reckon his Mexican family had good food and plenty of tequila and music.

After he'd been here an hour or so, Pixi and I decided to make our dinner. Since we planned on meat, and a salad, and didn't have extra salad stuff, I didn't offer Kahlo food. I did have some sea salt caramel chocolate biscotti for dessert, so he had some of those, loved them.

While we ate we watched the 3rd episode of The Assassination of Gianni Versace. The 3 of us had watched the first 2 episodes last week and enjoyed it. Once the DVRed show had ended, Kahlo was interested in a nature doc on Nat Geo so we ended up watching 2 episodes of that.

I was in the middle of the couch with a partner on either side of me. It was very cosy and nice. I was in no big hurry to go to the bedroom. Pixi was getting nervous, wondering what was in my head since she knew I'd been upset. I could tell by her body language and she confirmed this when we talked in the morning.

So anyway, after we watched the animal shows, I indicated to Kahlo it was time to go upstairs. I felt reassured that he liked me, that he was glad to be with me platonically. I rather felt his interest in me was still genuine.

So without going into too much detail...what worked in the bedroom was a bit more control on my part, and Kahlo's apparent interest in doing better at pleasing me. He didn't finger me, but on his own initiative, he used a certain toy on my nethers that did a very good job in a similar fashion. He took his time and put a lot of energy into it. I felt very good, and we rested a bit after that.

I then made the decision to be a bit less submissive and Top him-- at his request. We sort of got into it gradually that night, making a smooth transition from him being more in charge, to me being in charge, and back again. He was into receiving some sensual pain. He'd intimated this to me before, that he was interested in that. And it worked out well. I felt like it was the right time to try it. He let me know during the session, non verbally, how he liked and responded to it, and later he told me verbally exactly how it made him feel.

I am a switch, but I think the illness (cancer treatment and back pain both) fatigue and physical weakness partly contributed to my feeling so subby the past year and a half or so. It was fun to have a session where I could feel and act submissive, then Toppy, and then back to submissive. All in all, the session was pretty much perfect, and I was very satisfied.

I was glad I'd napped earlier and had energy for a late night, because at one point Kahlo looked at the clock after we'd have the sex, a bit of a nap, and then cuddles and talking. He thought it was going to be about 11, but it was after 2am. He ended up staying a bit past 2:30.

One concern is, he said something earlier on how he'd agreed to come back on Sunday (today). I said, I hadn't remembered making those plans! He said, oh no, did I tell someone else I'd see them Sunday? But he couldn't remember. He'd let me know. So that was a little dopey and typical of his nature. Oh well, I don't have any big plans today... Pixi is staying at her Master's through the Super Bowl. My time is my own. I was tired yesterday from all the good sex action. :) I just washed sheets and blankets and the
mattress protector (and dishes), and read a good book mostly. Watched a movie before bed.

The weather has been very cold and surfaces are icy. I've already fallen hard a couple weeks ago on black ice. I got lucky and didn't get really harmed but I'm paranoid. I've had to put down ice melt on the deck, even just so the poor dog doesn't slip and slide and fall when she goes out and down into the yard to potty!

Yesterday morning before Pixi went to her Master's, she and I talked over the previous night, and she was glad I was feeling so much better. She actually was a bit sad to leave me to go to her bf's. She was feeling a little torn between her 2 lovers. She got teary eyed and we had to hug and kiss a lot before she could tear herself away. Awww! Sometimes poly is weird lol
 
So Kahlo did come over Sunday night! He never did text me to say he was coming, since there's no cell service at his brother's. But he showed up at my place at 8, and we had fun.

We cuddled and ate and watched a movie, and the bedroom stuff was great again. I am glad we have seemed to work that out. We've moved in some new directions, BDSM-wise, too, which is stimulating and fun.

So I ended up having seen him 4 times in 2 weeks. Which is exactly, as I said above, what is ideal for me from a bf. So now it's Tuesday and I am still in a glow of calm contentment. Not that I am not horny for Pixi, lol. She's playing a little hard to get again. We do a little sex type activity, but it seems ages since we've had a real intense session. I haven't made her cum in ages.

But I can let that go a lot since I had good boy action.

So, in other news, I went to the dentist yesterday. Turns out it had been 2.75 years since I'd last gone! Mostly because all the back issues and chemo made it impossible to contemplate yet more dr visits. So I got a good cleaning and I feel all cleansed and virtuous and shit. Going to the dentist is actually fun for a masochist. Not that my hygienist hurts me, she's very gentle. But it is kind of invasive, to have someone so intimately in your mouth. A little uncomfortable at times. I just go into a pleasant sub space.

I have 3 small cavities and one filling that needs replaced. My enamel has always sucked. If only my mom had breastfed me longer. I'm going back on Valentine's Day for some work. LOL loving my teeth.

Pixi said my kisses taste better already. She is sensitive to that. Funny. When I met her, her teeth were terrible. Her arm handicap makes brushing quite painful. She avoided the dentist. But I kept encouraging her to do brushing and dentist... one tooth got so bad, she would have needed an implant. But she couldn't afford it, so just had it pulled. A premolar. She didn't miss it, her teeth have shifted already to mostly fill in the space.

Now she gets dispensation from her SSI and insurance to get a professional cleaning every 3 months. So she's been very good about going and doing that. She also found, as a submissive masochist, that the dentist is actually fun! lol And she brushes once a day, which is a huge improvement for her.

Oddly her weird father was anti-dentist. One of his paranoid quirks was that all dentists are merely rip-off artists. I've convinced Pixi this isn't so.:rolleyes:

Oh yeah. That older guy I mentioned who contacted me, and we had one phone conversation? We'd made plans to meet halfway for lunch this week. His idea. He seemed to find me cool and interesting. And he thought my Fet pix were "sexy." (I don't have any nudes there, mostly fully clothed, a couple in lingerie/underwear.)


Well! He called me Sunday to say he doesn't want to be poly anymore. He really doesn't want to settle for anything less than a nesting partner in a new gf. Or one who is looking for that, monogamy. He wants a wife type person to live in his cute house on the shore. I kind of gathered that from our prior conversation anyway. I even said something about it in that convo... He wasn't aware of his own mind. But he's done thinking and now he realises it is so.

His current gf is sex/kink only. He said they are only good during that, he doesn't even like her as a person otherwise! He did like me a lot. He was very apologetic, said he was sorry over and over. He said he was sure we could be "good friends," if we lived closer. I think so too. But alas, we are like 60 miles apart. And... you all know I am seeking more than a platonic friend! So, that's that. He's never been married. I guess he's had a 10 year relationship once, and been engaged, but it ended. Apparently he thinks he's a "catch," and has hopes of finding that Ms Right, to grow old and die with, instead of being poly and having a range of options. Well, good luck to him!
 
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We had a "wintry mix" of a day yesterday. Many things were closed. I didn't go out except to clean off and move the cars so our plow guy could dig us out.

So Pixi and I had a nice day home alone together. She is going away on a work related retreat/planning meeting Friday night into Sunday morning, so it was good to have some nice couple time first. She'd been invited to go to her Master's for an overnight last night, since they won't see each other over the weekend, but it wasn't hard to convince her to stay home and safe and dry with me.

We even had good real sex twice on Tuesday and twice yesterday. :)

We also installed a light in the hallway as part of her massive rewiring project. She'd done one at the end of the L shaped hall already. I think my son helped her with that one. I helped with this one, and it took quite a while of me holding the light up while she attached the wires. Well, I ended up in a lot of pain from having done that, from neck to lower back. Stupid spine. That kinda messed up my evening and last night's sleep. I only slept from 12-4am. I've been taking extra iboprofen and tramadol as well as my Lyrica. sigh... I think it's easing a bit this morning.

I hope to get a little more sleep this morning shortly, and keep improving in the back, because yesterday Rick texted me and asked me when I was free to visit, and we settled on today, late morning! :) I don't think I've seen him since November. So glad he wanted to see me as soon as he got settled enough in his new house. Looking forward to this!
 
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