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Magdlyn, have you ever tried a fucking machine? My husband bought us one for Christmas and it's really wonderful. We use it like a two person threesome, but it could definitely be used to give you that penetration while Pixi does other stuff you both enjoy.

Sorry to hear about the flakes. It sucks when things go that way, especially when you're enjoying yourself.
 
Magdlyn, have you ever tried a fucking machine? My husband bought us one for Christmas and it's really wonderful. We use it like a two person threesome, but it could definitely be used to give you that penetration while Pixi does other stuff you both enjoy.

Sorry to hear about the flakes. It sucks when things go that way, especially when you're enjoying yourself.


Thanks for reading and responding, Vicki.

Ravi texted me again, at length, yesterday afternoon. I was out shopping and saw it while I was on line at the grocery store checkout. It kinda just made me feel worse, for a while. He said he didn't understand why I "was so mad all of a sudden." But now that he's caught up on sleep, he understands better my anger. (Supposedly.)

He has determined can't give me the kind of "commitment" I want. I "deserve someone better" than him. He couldn't make time to be in touch often enough. *rolleyes* Commitment? As in, bother to message me a few times for the 5 weeks you can't see me after we finally had sex? After seeing me every other week for 5 dates and then we have sex and you completely drop off the map? Wow. This is polyamory, to him?

Fuck you, you son of a bachelor.

I wasn't mad, so much as frustrated and confused. It sucks to just be left hanging. Having sex with someone, for me, indicates a certain degree of trust and vulnerability. Obviously I meant nothing to him. And the sex was just a physical act, and a release, a bit of fun, not to bother to repeat or even talk about repeating.

Of course, Ravi bore the brunt of my frustration with the other men as well. The 27 year old... He spoke, on our date, of "next time." How he loved Pinot Noir and how we should drink a bottle together. How he thought Pixi and her bf sounded interesting, kitchen table poly sounded good, and how he'd like to meet them. He snuggled after sex, stroked my hair for minutes on end. He assured me he had fun on our date, he asked if I had fun. We agreed we had lots of fun! And of course, when he left he said, "See you soon, sweetheart." Just like Ravi said, "I can't wait to see you again." Words, empty words. Men really WILL say anything to get into your pants. They really do (often) seem to enjoy the chase, the effort to get in your vagina, and once that's done (whether it's on the 1st date or the 5th, apparently), they are satisfied and on to the next woman! It's just fucking crazy. I guess it's that poison, testosterone. Given freedom, they just feel impelled to spill their seed in as many different women as possible. (Not that any seed is going in my vagina, not that I can even get pregnant, lol. I'm post menopause and post hysterectomy. But their testosterone doesn't know that.)

And, sadly, I'm frustrated with BigGuy too. Not that I don't like (kinda love) him. But he texted me yesterday and the day before, telling me he's so short on money, he's driving Uber again, like he did before his wedding, as well as working his regular job. So "every spare hour" he's driving. Well, that sure doesn't bode well for him getting out to be with me anytime soon! It's only mid January. I'd hoped to see him this month as well as at the Kink event, which is the weekend of Feb 15. Now, can he even afford just to come here for our usual date of thrift store browsing, talking, cuddling, flirting, dinner and sex for a few hours? Much less go to an all day event with me, when all those hours he could be driving and making money? The event isn't that expensive. Only $30 at the door for one day attendance. But it seems it's the time spent that is the issue.

I asked, "How much money do you need?" He said his ex wife gets half his income in child support for their 3 kids, even though she works full time and overtime, and he has shared, fully half custody of the kids. But he said he needs to sit down and fully budget out his funds and see how much extra money he needs. He said Uber doesn't pay that well. He could design and operate websites as a side gig instead, which would pay better. So he's going to work on getting some clients for that.

It goes to show how much I care for him, and trust his caring for me, that I just want him to be happy with his marriage and his brood, be financially secure. I know he has a heart full of loving feelings for many. As GalaGirl would say, I know he's willing, he's just not able, to poly date as he'd like.

As far as fucking machines go (did you think I forgot? ;) ), BigGuy got all excited in December to make me one out of a reciprocating saw. We watched some porn of fucking machines and he thought he could make one easily. I said, we'll need a nice flexible dildo for that, and we could find one at the kink event, and he was on board. He was on board then. To buy a saw, and a dildo, and spend time when the kids weren't home, or were in bed, working on the project. Now, I'm not so sure.

I don't think Pixi could hold onto a saw that is moving like that. We'd need some kind of support for it. She's very techy and tinkery (she's great with most fine motor skills, it's just gross motor actions that hurt), and I'm sure she could make a fucking machine too. I think I will have to work on this idea. If I have plenty of orgasms a week, I can let go of trying to find a good man to fuck me on the regular! Or at least not work so hard at it. Because of course there's more to a man that just his ability to penetrate me.
 
I've been mostly just blogging about dating woes lately, but I've got other things going on in my life. I'm not just sitting by the phone waiting for texts or dates! But I thought I'd vent about other stuff. It might help me heal in other areas to get it out there.

Besides the recent flareup of pain in Pixi's wrists, there are other medical things!

Trigger warning here, if you have issues with bodily pain and whatnot.

I cut my right first finger last Friday evening, while cutting up an onion. I used a too big knife and it slid off the onion. It was freshly sharpened and slid into my finger like it was butter. Right next to the fingernail, a C shaped cut. It bled like crazy. Pixi helped me put on a band-aid and then gauze tape. It's not that painful (it throbs sometimes), but it's of course made it so I can't go swim! I change the dressing every evening. Last night (Monday) it didn't bleed when I unwrapped it, finally. I just put on a band-aid and left off the extra gauze.

You might think I could just put on a latex glove to swim, but I knew that pressing the fingers through the water resistance would hurt and be bad for it. I should be healed enough by next Monday, I think, to get back in the pool.

Also some good news: yesterday I went for my oncology followup appointment. It's been 2 years since I completed chemo. So now I graduate from a followup visit to every 6 months instead of every 3 months. I've been fine for 2 years. And hopefully will be, forever.

I don't weigh myself at home, but the dr told me I'd lost 6 lbs since my October visit. That swimming is finally paying off in weight loss. I had gained 15 lbs in 3 months a year ago when my neurologist put me on that poison, Lyrica, for my headaches. I read that Lyrica weight is almost impossible to take off. But I'm finally managing. Almost halfway to my previous weight.

Not good news: right after I completed my chemo, a good friend (another vintage lover/Pyrex collector) of mine, call her Rose, was having severe abdominal pain, and was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. She had no idea until it was too late! It had started in her ovary, and before she got pain, had spread to the peritoneum, the lining in the abdomen around the organs. She had a long fight, much treatment, but died just before Christmas a month ago. :( She was one of the most vibrant lively people I've ever known. So funny, so caring, a breath of fresh air, strong and fit and outgoing. Everybody loved her. Only 54. :(

She has 2 adult daughters. One is married and healthy, late 20's, a good woman, lives near her parents, no kids (yet). The other daughter is 24 years old and autistic, and needs lots of care. A sweet girl but not that verbal, in her own world. This daughter loves to swim. So every summer they spent tons of time at the beach near their home in Rhode Island, or in the backyard pool. Rose only worked part time as a fitness instructor so she could be with her daughter most of the time. Her daughter has a daytime week day program, but needs special care in the evenings and weekends.

Rose was on her second marriage, a really great marriage of about 10 years. Her husband is a wonderful guy, loves his adopted daughters like his own. Before Rose got sick, they purchased a mobile home in a trailer park in South Florida, to keep the daughter near the water and happy during winters. Rose loves (loved) the beach too. The husband is a carpenter and fixed up the trailer all retro, they bought a great vintage couch and formica dinette set. I saw pix, it was so cute. D


Despite her illness, the 3 of them went to the trailer last winter. The husband flew back and forth from FL to home to work. Rose made many retiree friends in the trailer park who all helped take care of the daughter often so Rose could rest. (There are no daytime programs for autistic adults in Florida). She was able to go to the beach pretty often. She got a nice tan, she was pretty happy. This past year, they bought a camper van to drive down to Florida, because my friend was too weak to fly. But sadly she got too sick to even go.

The autistic daughter, Rose told us, understood what was going on, and was prepared for Rose to leave. So sad. I think of her every day. I was too sick from my own chemo recovery and my bad back to get down to RI to see Rose since she was early in her treatment. But I will always remember her as the vibrant hilarious bright star.
 
In other stupid medical news (feel free to skip reading all this shit), I'd mentioned my sister's husband has been struggling most of last year with mental illness. He has OCD to a degree, and became deeply depressed last spring for various reasons. Then their OCD slightly autistic son, who'd been living with a gf for 5 years up north, finally got dumped after a very tumultuous relationship, and he moved back in with my sister and his raving maniac father! Both of these guys have always been "difficult," to say the least.

So... my sister and I have a bff from our childhood. B. She lives in NC. She and I conferred about all this, and we flew to Florida in early December, to support and cheer my sister on. We stayed 5 days. We found out how my sister made this situation for herself. I've sadly come to the realization she is an abused woman. She enables the bad behavior of her husband and son. She'd kind of hid it all these years. She and I talk every day, and mostly she downplays it, but I've always known her h is a crass, foul mouthed right wing bastard. She really married beneath herself. She bows to his behaviors and doesn't stick up for herself, or care for herself, except by shopping, Zoloft and a couple glasses of wine a night. She lets the yelling and disrespect and crass disgusting behavior go on all around her. She just tucks her head down like a turtle receding into its shell.

She has low self esteem and thought she couldn't get anything better. She's always had a bit of an anxiety ridden, worrywort personality. She's also introverted, and her h was outgoing, so she wouldn't be so worried about making small talk at parties and so on. Whatever! He's not worthy of her.

Anyway. Events: A coyote got their beloved cat in the spring. Then her h's work equipment kept breaking down. He has/had a landscaping business, no other employees, just him, and my sister helps with bookkeeping. He has 2 mowers, blowers, trimmers, etc. His usual mechanic who maintains the mowers retired and moved away. This caused him lots of stress.

Early in 2018, he suddenly started going deaf in one ear. In May, his dr gave him tons of Prednisone. Orally and right in the ear. For like 6 weeks. Prednisone can cause mania. Well, it did. And he was on it for a couple months and got crazy. And usually the craziness recedes when you stop treatment, but in his case, because he's got the OCD and anxiety anyway, he just got worse and worse.

Being conservative and a macho man, he hates change. And he identified with his job. So, he was retirement age, 65. He'd planned to retire at 67. But he got too crazy to work. So, he had to let his customers go. This caused him to OCD spiral, freaking out about letting his customers go! Even though most of his clients were taken on by a landscaper buddy of his. (This guy has now been mowing their lawn every week, free of charge.)

He got to where he was literally rolling on the floor often, "speaking in tongues." Nonsense syllables. Got to where he spent most of his days in his bedroom in the dark. Would rarely shower. Wouldn't wash his sheets. Lived in dirty sweats for days on end. Wouldn't go for a haircut. Wouldn't see friends or their daughter, or his nearby sister. Wouldn't or couldn't drive or run errands or do household chores. Stopped his golfing hobby, naturally.

My sister took family medical leave from her library job for 6 weeks, in late summer/fall, to work on finding him help. His psychiatrist tried all kinds of drugs. He refused talk therapy. (One of those asshole men who think going to talk therapy makes him look weak.) He'd freak out in the car when my sister would drive him to an occasional psychiatrist appt to try a new med, grabbing at the steering wheel, yelling in her ear, threatening to jump out in traffic! (Yes, this is a danger to himself and others, and a reason to have him committed, but my sister was in denial.)

At home, he was often yelling at their son. We found out in Florida from my nephew, that his father would yell and curse at him, calling him a piece of shit, aiming punches at him, frequently. He'd usually pull his punches, but one time, my nephew told us, he grazed his nose.

When my nephew was confessing this, my friend B saw my sister giving him the little down low wave, like, "Shut up. Don't tell them how bad it is." She is obviously embarrassed that she's in the middle of these 2 mental OCD foul mouthed men. They are peas in a pod. My BIL used to verbally abuse his son from a young age, when he struggled with his OCD anxiety, mocking him, telling him to be a man, and pull himself up by his bootstraps.

And now B and I know for sure, my sister has been enabling all this behavior, for like, ever. She's a doormat. A martyr. She lets this yelling and shitty disrespectful stuff go on. When B and I were there, we tried an intervention, but she wouldn't listen. We urged her to get the husband into some kind of long term care, where he'd get constant medical attention and therapy. To tell him she'd leave him if he wouldn't agree to a group home for like 6 months. She wouldn't listen. She's only spent 4 nights away from him all these months of him being crazy and abusive. One night last fall she got fed up and spent one night (just one night!) in a hotel. And she stayed in the hotel when my friend and I were there. Otherwise she's just there in the house, enabling this crap.

While we were in FL, my BIL had just gone to the mental ward of a hospital. Besides the agoraphobia and yelling and rolling on the floor, and speaking nonsense, he had progressed to constant shaking, quivering, and his voice had gone all high and childlike. His pcp had refused to sign him off to go to a mental ward earlier in summer, but finally his physical symptoms got so bad, he agreed, yes, my BIL needed to be locked up. He was a danger to himself and others.

So, after B and I left, he was released after just 8 days, supposedly stablized, and he grudgingly agreed to go to this partial hospitalization program. Even though he really needs full time care. But my sister wouldn't push for full time care. She's in denial! So, she took partial medical leave (her cushy state run library job allows her lots of bennies, thank god), and she spent 3 weeks driving him to this program, dropping him at 9am, working til 2, picking him back up at 2:30. He made a little progress finally, with all this care! He went and got a haircut finally. He started doing a few chores around the house.

But then there was another huge setback: (to be continued...)
 
Yeah, just when you thought things were bad enough, my nephew got physically ill. I don't doubt it was partly stress from his bad breakup, his lack of friends, his dependency on living with his parents, fearfulness about looking for work (he's often unable to keep a job, despite being 33). He does have a car, he's obsessed with his car. He's got a huge stereo system in the trunk.

He's been trying to date using online apps. He's a good looking guy, and can be charming when he wants to be. He did keep a gf for 5 years! Maybe he's good in bed, I dunno.

But he's had trouble with dating since he's been back in Florida. As we know, as I well know, dating is hard. He's been on a few dates. But he'd get real upset about it, when girls didn't work out. He drinks sometimes, goes on a big binge. He did that once since he's been back with his parents, drunk and raging one night. With his dad being crazy, you can just imagine that night. He and his gf used to drink together sometimes, and fight, even fistfight sometimes, and she's called the cops on him a few times.

This all sounds so awful. It is awful. It gets worse.

So... about 2 weeks ago, he got physically ill. He got severe stomach pain. My sister took him to the ER. After pain meds kicked in, he had tests. He had a burst diverticula in his intestine. And get this: it required surgery, to have a bunch of his intestine removed, and now he has a colonoscopy bag, and 3-6 months of wearing that as he heals! Can you believe it?

Also, I guess because of his autistic rigidity, he has always eaten a very limited junk food diet. My sister has said he eats about 7 things. Cheeseburgers (no lettuce or tomato or pickle), chicken nuggets, fries, plain cheese pizza, ham sandwiches, cereal, waffles or pancakes. Chocolate milk. No veggies or fruit, ever, ever.

He came home after 8 days in the hospital, with limited appetite, on a cheeseburger diet. :rolleyes: My sister spent every spare moment with him when he was in the hospital, babying him, watching him sleep, coddling him when he was awake. She is, however, back to working full time. And now her husband has had to move over in line as no longer the sickest man in the house!

Her husband's insurance only allowed 3 weeks at the "partial hospitalization program." Now as of last week, he was supposed to transfer to "intensive outpatient care." Which is basically the same thing, only less hours. 9 to noon instead of 9 to 2:30. My sister hoped he could drive himself to these sessions, since his slight improvement from the other care he finally got. The clinic gave him "homework." Get a haircut. Take a walk around the block. Do your own laundry.

Heck, he even drove the car a bit when she was busy visiting their son in the hospital. He brought them their phone chargers, to the hospital front door curb! (Heaven forbid he walk to the ICU.) He went and picked up his meds and her meds at the drug store drive through once! He went and got himself Wendy's one night! He's showering regularly, he's doing some house cleaning again (he did used to do most of the cleaning, because OCD).

But, he can't or won't drive himself to this outpatient program! Oh no. And my sister is again, not putting her foot down to make him to go, not offering consequences. All she's done is make an appointment with a new psychiatrist for him for next week. His old psychiatrist fired him when he refused regular talk therapy, before his hospitalization. So she'll take time off work to get him to this psychiatrist. God help her.

I told my sister that she should at least tell his pcp he can't or won't drive himself to the outpatient program! Maybe they could pull strings with insurance to keep him in that partial hospitalization program. But no, she wouldn't take that advice. I'm sure she tucked her head down like B and I saw her do in Florida when we tried to intervene. She's got her hopes set on a weekly talk therapy appointment with this new psychiatrist, that she was recommended to by a friend, who assured her he was "magical." She knows best and she's determined to do it her way. :rolleyes::(

So... I've come to the end of my saga. I've gone way off the poly topic. But it sure has been stressing me out. I just wrote it down to relieve some of my stress about it all.

I love my sister, my only sibling. We are only 15 months apart and were raised like twins. She and I are very close. Despite being very different, we are quite alike in some ways, politically the same, appreciating the arts and fashion and cuisine, movies and TV shows we talk about, similar sense of humor. Just all the day to day stuff close sisters talk about: I cleaned out a closet; I got a pedi; I went out shopping, here's what I got; I went out to eat or cooked, here's what we had. She's very tolerant, not just of her crass son and husband, but of me and my polyness and queerness, and my offbeat alternative lifestyle, and supportive of me through my health struggles, all sisterly. As B says, she has a heart of gold. She just has low self esteem!

She went to one therapy appointment for herself last fall. Well, Florida health care sucks. She ended up with this ridiculous therapist, a woman, who dissed her self care: a weekly lunch with her 4 close gfs, lunches or pedis with her daughter. This therapist urged her to give her husband and son MORE care! Stay home with them 24/7. Love them back to health! This therapist didn't believe in psychiatric meds! Ridiculous. So, she didn't go back, lost heart, and didn't have energy to find another therapist on her insurance.

She listens to me talk about my dating woes and joys, and all my happiness with Pixi and my friends and my life in general. Despite the dating problems, and my health problems, *I* have made myself a really great, fun, happy and mostly fulfilling life. I have a nesting partner who is wonderful and loving and fun and inspiring. I left MY difficult husband, who wasn't nearly as bad as hers is. I sometimes hope I can inspire her to leave her husband, or at least draw some healthy boundaries... but sadly, she's made her bed, badly, and now she's lying in it, seemingly locked in it.

Funny how so many people come to this board from monogamy. Brainwashed into thinking you measure your success in life on a long lasting mono marriage. Monogamy sure can suck. People often stay in these marriages out of fear, stuck in ruts and patterns of abuse and inertia, out of some fucked up sense of loyalty and duty. YUCK!
 
Strap on dildo harness

There are strap on dildo harnesses that go around the thigh. You should get one like that for Pixi, along with a stylized unit that resembles something other than a penis.

Splurging on a Sybian would also seem to be justified in your case, and i believe pre-owned ones are available because people trade theirs in for new models.

You know how to google...:p
 
There are strap on dildo harnesses that go around the thigh. You should get one like that for Pixi, along with a stylized unit that resembles something other than a penis.

Actually that is another option for us we have been discussing! I didn't mention it since I'd already written a novella this morning lol. But thanks very much for mentioning it! One of the workshops at the kink fest coming up is on doing BDSM with disabilities... this isn't a kink issue per se, just a sex issue, but it does involved disabilities! I might need to check it out.

Splurging on a Sybian would also seem to be justified in your case, and i believe pre-owned ones are available because people trade theirs in for new models.

You know how to google...:p

Yeah, Pixi is pretty interested in making me a fucking machine. I'm not enamored of Sybians since you have to be sitting upright. I like lying down to cum. I think I'd get tired and dizzy trying to ride a Sybian, as I do in cowgirl position when doing coitus. But again, thanks for the idea, old pal.
 
As far as fucking machines go (did you think I forgot? ;) ), BigGuy got all excited in December to make me one out of a reciprocating saw. We watched some porn of fucking machines and he thought he could make one easily. I said, we'll need a nice flexible dildo for that, and we could find one at the kink event, and he was on board. He was on board then. To buy a saw, and a dildo, and spend time when the kids weren't home, or were in bed, working on the project. Now, I'm not so sure.

I don't think Pixi could hold onto a saw that is moving like that. We'd need some kind of support for it. She's very techy and tinkery (she's great with most fine motor skills, it's just gross motor actions that hurt), and I'm sure she could make a fucking machine too. I think I will have to work on this idea. If I have plenty of orgasms a week, I can let go of trying to find a good man to fuck me on the regular! Or at least not work so hard at it. Because of course there's more to a man that just his ability to penetrate me.

I think you weren't thinking of the type that I meant, so I'll link you here. Totally handsfree, so that's what I meant when I said Pixi could be doing other things.

https://www.aliexpress.com/item/HIS...&terminal_id=bdd05287f7554c8ab550431a57c166a3

Believe me, this one works well for that!
 
I think you weren't thinking of the type that I meant, so I'll link you here. Totally handsfree, so that's what I meant when I said Pixi could be doing other things.

https://www.aliexpress.com/item/HIS...&terminal_id=bdd05287f7554c8ab550431a57c166a3

Believe me, this one works well for that!

No, I knew what you meant. I was just talking about BigGuy's plan. He's very muscular and loved the idea of holding the reciprocating saw. I've seen the stationary ones too in porn. I don't think we can afford a $400 fucking machine right now! We just bought a new mattress for our creaky bodies (it's great, a memory foam Layla) as our Christmas present, and I need a set of tires, so that's it for big purchases for now. :(

We'll get the thigh harness for a dildo. We have a regular strap on harness that supposed to be one size fits all. It fits me great... I've got wide child bearing hips. But Pixi has to hold it on herself when she's Topping, she's so petite.
 
Oh sorry, my mistake! I thought from your saw comments that was how you interpreted my post.

Well, I hope you find more satisfaction with the thigh harness!
 
I took a 2 week break from posting. Now to catch up.

First of all, Pixi and I just celebrated our 10 year anniversary of our first date! That date lasted 3 days. We really clicked. Who knew it would last 10 years? And will probably last forever, til death do us part.

We decided to really celebrate. So we had to decide what to do. I had the idea of going to Newport, Rhode Island, and, after talking over other options, eventually Pixi agreed. It was a resort area on the water for the rich and famous back in the end of the 19th century, until WW1. There are dozens of huge over the top opulent mansions, and hundreds of very large houses. It's only an hour and half drive from home, so very easy to get to! It's still a very popular summer resort, but many things to do in winter too.

I'd gone there once over 30 years ago with my ex husband. I believe we toured the Breakers, the largest of the mansions open to the public. Pixi and I researched before we went, and we decided we'd try to go to Rosecliff. It's been used as movie location several times, including the 1974 Great Gatsby.

We also discovered there is a Museum of American Illustration in Newport, housed in another mansion. Being as I went to college for Illustration and Painting, I'm crazy about illustrators. I've always loved that golden era of illustration, from just after the Civil War til the 1950s. Many of my favorite artists had works at this museum, Maxfield Parrish, JC Leyendecker, Charles Dana Gibson, and many others such as Norman Rockwell, etc., etc.

So, we made a hotel reservation in the next town over from Newport, Middletown, for 3 nights. Left home on late Thursday afternoon in the pouring rain. Luckily it cleared up in the night and the entire weekend was beautifully sunny, if cold. But in the 30s, bearable.

Pixi drove. Did a great job in the rain. When we got there, we checked in to our beachside hotel, then drove to a nearby casual seafood restaurant. Chowder, scallops, fish and chips... We shared a bottle of wine. We then stopped at the bar of another place for a beer to soak up more local color. Back at our room, we drank yet more beers, and got tipsy, and silly, and cuddled and watched TV and had sex. So fun and romantic. In the morning, we finally saw the beautiful beach just outside, and took a little walk!

Our Middletown hotel was on an island next to the island Newport is on, but we were only 5 or 10 minutes away from the mansions. The art museum was only open on Fridays in the off season, so we did that first. We also enjoyed good food... we went to an old classic adorable shiny chrome diner for brunch 2 mornings. We planned the whole weekend to pace ourselves however, because we have these bad backs and other aches and pains lol. By and large we did great. I actually fared better than Pixi did!

We absolutely adored the art museum. It was pure heaven for me. We were given these audio tour little iPad/headphone kinda things, where you could get basic info about each room, or click for more in depth descriptions of a few more paintings. We clicked on pretty much everything. The mansion itself was in the style of the Petite Trianon chateau at Versailles in France. I can't even...

After the tour (we lingered 3 or 4 hours) we browsed the gift shop and got a book about Maxfield Parrish written by the husband and wife team who are the owners/curators of the museum. Then we went for a drive along the mansion road, Bellevue Avenue, then up the craggy coast on Ocean Drive, and watched the sunset over the water, and gawked and exclaimed at all the multi-million dollar mansions all along that road, in their dramatic clifftop settings, with their amazing landscaping. Very rocky, cliffy shoreline, glowing in the pink evening light. Gorgeous. Spectacular. Stunning.

Pixi was by then very sore and tired. I saw she needed to rest, so I ran in to a liquor store and grocery store back in town, for stuff to eat for dinner in our hotel room, instead of going out. She felt better after resting, eating bread, cheese, fruit, salad, pistachios, chocolate, beers, and we got all giggly, and had more sex. :)

The next day, diner brunch at noon, then we drove back to Bellevue Avenue where the biggest mansions are. First we drove to where the gigantic Breakers is... it has 70 rooms. Good lord. Insane. Then, we found out Rosecliff was closed, because of an event there. So we went to Marble House instead. Again got audio tour equipment for a fascinating tour/history/art lesson. Amazing, the wealth and power and lifestyles of these people! Tycoons of industry. Billionaires by modern standards, and didn't pay income tax. It was awesome and a bit sickening actually. But fun too. We again spent about 4 hours in the house. I was taking dozens of pix, which luckily was allowed. I must've taken 100 pix all weekend.

By the way, these gigantic incredibly fancy mansions were all just summer homes to these people, only used for 6-8 weeks in the summer. Marble House was one of 5 homes the owners had at one time, and they'd built or restored 9 over time, plus spent 6 months a year yachting around the world to boot. They had to travel! They had to purchase furniture and accessories and art for their homes! lol So freaking ostentatious.

Anyway.

Then again we drove up the coast, getting a bit of an earlier start, to view coastline mansions again, and get to Breton Point Park on the water, where the previous day, we saw people go to park and view sunset. So we sat there an hour, watched the sun go down over the water, the ocean crashing into the boulders on the shore, and drank a beer, ate a snack, talked about the amazing art museum and the opulent marble mansion. We also looked at phones and planned where to go for dinner.

We went back to the hotel when it was dark, around 5:30, and rested a bit. But we had a glitch with dinner. When we'd first gotten to our hotel, the clerk informed us that the whole area was having a natural gas issue. A week ago, during a deep freeze in the weather, a valve had frozen up over the border at a power plant in Massachusetts, and the whole Newport area lost natural gas. 10,000 homes and businesses had lost their gas, their heat, their stoves. 7000 were still without power! It was the talk of the town. So all the hotels were full of homeless residents, even though it was off season. Many restaurants and businesses were closed, or only partly open for business. The grocery store had been unheated. We saw gas company trucks all over town going door to door to restore power all weekend.

We spent more time looking on Yelp and decided on a "hipster foodie" restaurant that looked cute and fun.

But when we got there, it was closed. The second place we tried, an old historic oyster house, was open and heated and lovely, but only had a limited menu. It was also more expensive than we'd expected. The entrees were all in the high 20s. But they had no entrees anyway. So, we each got a beer and a stingy $7 cup of soup, shared a dozen clams on the half shell (Rhode Islanders use the native name, quahogs), and got an oyster shooter too. Pixi got a pickleback one, I got a Japanese one. That was all expensive enough! Then we drove back closer to our hotel and went to an Italian restaurant right across from the hotel for a pizza lol.

The next day was Sunday, our day to drive home. As we were leaving the hotel, we were only on the road 5 minutes, going alongside a beach. A flock of Canadian geese was grazing right next to the narrow road. The flock decided to take flight right as we got next to it. Silly birds! 2 of them didn't clear our car... I couldn't brake as there were cars behind me. I was only going about 20 mph... One bird hit right in the middle of the windshield, and another hit the frame of the car right next to the windshield. THUMP! All I could see was a feathered belly and scrabbling black webbed feet. What a shock.

I pulled into a side street and Pixi got out and saw our car was OK. The windshield was OK. Whew! What a thump that was. Once we realized we were OK, we couldn't stop laughing and joking about it.

So, on the way home we stopped at a big antique mall in RI. I'd been there once about 2 years ago with a collector friend, Pixi had never been. We wandered around there almost 4 hours. I was amazed at how well we did, touring 2 museums and the mall. So fun. We bought a few cool vintage things. It was great.

Rhode Island is the cutest little state. It has a really different vibe than Mass. All tidy and neighborly. I'm so glad Pixi and I get along so well, share interests in art and food and music and philosophy and sex etc etc. I am so lucky to have her. What a fun mini vacation we had.
 
We'll get the thigh harness for a dildo. We have a regular strap on harness that supposed to be one size fits all. It fits me great... I've got wide child bearing hips. But Pixi has to hold it on herself when she's Topping, she's so petite.

Personal if TMI recommendation - RodeoH panty harnesses - they come in sizes down to XXS, they hold everything firmly where it ought to be for use... and I think more fun than the thigh one. I won't link just in case the forum thinks that's spam but the website is rodeoh dot com,
 
Happy Anniversary, Mags! Glad you had fun in Newport. I live in RI (near Connecticut, though, not near Newport) and I think it's a cute little state.
 
So it's been about 24 days since I last posted. A lot has happened, some good, mostly bad.

Let's get the health issue down first. I have had back issues for 2 decades. I've done chiro, and since last June, I've been doing water exercise 3x a week. But then my chiro appointments ran out for the year so I'd gone about 6 weeks without one...

My neck nerve pain increased, causing pain in my neck, my left trapezius, down my left arm, and up into my head, with frequent headaches.

I finally decided to go to a spine center. I was all set to go to one 2 1/2 years ago, but then cancer happened. So now I felt ready. I went to a preliminary appointment with a spine specialist in Worcester. My pcp set me up with him. I didn't like how it went. He was young, handsome and arrogant as hell.

He dissed the chiropractors. When I said my latest chiro had determined through X-rays that I have one leg longer than the other, he said, "Oh, we all have that!" I said, well, I've been wearing a small orthotic lift in one shoe for 2 years. He asked if it helped and I said, yes! My lower back feels better than it has in 20 years. Also, the swimming has strengthened my core, and I got a new memory foam mattress. So the problem now is just my neck, which has compensated for the uneven gait I had when I didn't know about the leg length discrepancy, and now the neck bones (called the cervical spine) are degenerating and I'm told by my chiro I'm not a candidate for surgery.

I told him, I can hardly do housework, I can't garden, sex is iffy, I can't work at my former job...

So, he's acting bored and impatient with my explanation, and just keeps saying, I can give you shots to reduce your pain. Do you want the shots? I'm not a surgeon, do you want shots?

But I wasn't sure he understood I was asking if he thought there was anything that could be done besides just masking the pain. After all, the ibuprofen and tramadol I take do that. So then he grudgingly made me do a test. Real fast, he said, bend over, now bend back, bend side to side, touch your toes, turn your head left, right, up, down.

He said, from the X-rays I had from my chiro, I had "minor" spine degeneration, and arthritis. "Minor." Yes, minor enough to not allow me to do much of anything. I can walk. That's about it.

He sped me through those tests. Then I made an appointment to get the damn shots, in 3 weeks.

That was on a Thursday, I think. The pain from being rushed through the tests on my spine began that night. The doctor had injured me! I had increased pain, neck and headaches, for 2 weeks. Also I had constant vertigo. I couldn't walk without feeling dizzy. Previous to this I'd had vertigo before, from time to time when I over-stressed my back, but it was only when I'd first lie down in bed. My head would hit the pillow and the room would spin for a few seconds. This vertigo was different, as it wasn't room spinningly severe, but would be constant, every moment I walked around, just feeling off balance. I was afraid to take showers. We have a grab bar in the shower and I'd hold on for dear life.

So, that was all great. Thanks, doc!

Anyway, the vertigo ended just in time for my anniversary trip to Newport with Pixi. So, that went great and I felt OK!

Then a few days later, I went for the cortisone shots. Pixi drove me to the hospital (in Worcester) since I wasn't supposed to drive home. The appointment was at 2. I wasn't supposed to eat for 6 hours before the shots. I overslept just enough that it was too late to eat anything. I had coffee with milk though, because fuck it, I wasn't going to go without caffeine and get a headache from that!

When I got there and the doctor came in to the cubicle where I was to get ready and then recover, I told him how he harmed me rushing me through the tests at the first appointment, and to put it in my record. Arrogant bastard that he is, he at first scoffed. "I HARMED you?" Yes, asshole, you harmed me. Put it in my record! (I didn't say asshole because this guy was about to put needles in my spine!)

So the shots were the first circle of hell. I see now why they don't want you to eat. You might puke from the pain. It was like the worst of birthing labor. I tried to do my labor breathing but it wasn't enough. I screamed a little. I had about 10 shots in my upper spine. I think the first 3 shots were supposed to be Novacaine, then the actual cortisone ones went in. Oh god, the burning, the intense pain.

I needed Pixi's help to get my shirt and coat back on, because my neck and left arm hurt so bad after the shots. Then I cried on her shoulder for a minute or 2 in the recovery cubicle. Those shots were so traumatizing. Then we drove to a Wendy's for lunch on the way home, but I didn't have much appetite. I cried on and off the rest of the day from the PTSD. And I had bad pain for 2 1/2 days. All in all, it was a terrible experience, but I hoped it would be worth it.

Sadly, it wasn't worth it. It was supposed to take 3 days to 2 weeks to kick in, with a hope of months if not years of relief. Well, not only did I not get relief. I'm actually worse. I'd only been swimming once in 3 1/2 weeks since the shots, because my pain increases even more quickly from when I use my arms. Like if I clear snow off the car windshields, I get pain that lasts a couple days. But I thought I'd try swimming again yesterday since I'd only been once. After all, I don't want to lose all the progress I've made strengthening my core and legs! Pixi was encouraging me to try since swimming really helped my mood too.

I tried really hard to minimally use my left arm. Well, whoop de doo, I got pain last night and have had pain and a headache all day today and needed to take extra tramadol. So the damn fucking arrogant dr harmed
me with the tests and with the shots. I have another appointment with him this week. I guess I'll have to tell him the cortisone made me worse. Any other suggestions, asshole? I'd figured I'd ask for general anesthesia for the next round of shots. My BIL had had shots for his back and was offered a general right off the bat, and took it. But now I fear the shots are not for me. I can't see how, if this first round made me feel worse, a second try would make any sense at all.

So. There was all that. The next thing that made my last month suck was still being traumatized from that one date with that young guy who acted so interested and enthusiastic, and then ghosted and went back on Fetlife to comment and chat with others immediately. That all really weirded me out. I'm still not over the sheer surreality of it. It's made me decide I am really done with dating. With all my pain, I just don't have any energy left to waste on sexy but flaky men. It's just not worth it. I'm done.
 
So, I kept plugging on. Last weekend was this big annual kink con Pixi and I have gone to together several times. She'd also gone a few times before we met. It's in Rhode Island. Our second trip to RI this year already! After all these years we are finally really getting to know RI. It's so cute.

This year, Pixi's introverted bf decided he was ready to try going to the con. He doesn't do well in crowds, but he was really curious. And he wanted to shop at the vendors. While there is shopping, and classes, and people are all dressed up in their kinky finery, there is no actual kink play allowed at this con, but it's at a hotel, and people have play parties in their rooms. Or just you know, shag or flog their partners. By the time Pixi's bf committed to going, the hotel rooms were all full, but there were 4 overflow hotels nearby, where the con had reserved rooms, and there were shuttles too. So he booked a room at one of the hotels. for Friday and Saturday night.

Meanwhile, I was on and off chatting with BigGuy and he was so upset and frustrated he couldn't go with me. He is so eager to learn more about kink.

So our plan finally was, Pixi and her bf go down to the con Friday evening, and I go the next day, planning to arrive around 11 or noon. And I'd give them space if they needed it, and then bf would leave some time in the late afternoon, and then Pixi and I would have the rest of the day together, and the final day, Sunday, of the con together too. It ends at 5 Sunday.

I woke too early on Saturday with a headache, so I needed to get a bit more sleep, so with an hour 10 minute drive, I didn't arrive at the con til almost 1. But as soon as I got registered, got the wifi password, figured out what was where again, and wandered into the vendor area, Pixi and her bf found me. And they'd already done plenty of shopping and people watching, he was overwhelmed and was ready to go. He looked very happy though. Pixi was wearing a gorgeous new silver and black corset over her clothes that he'd bought her. So, after a few minutes of chat, he left to go take the shuttle back to the other hotel, and head home.

Pixi and I walked around a little, but I found out she hadn't eaten all day. I wasn't hungry, but I took her to the one of the hotel restaurants, the cafeteria style one. The other one we asked at had an hour wait for food.

After that quick late lunch, we people watched... the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence (google them) were going to perform that night, and they had a table in the vending area, so I stopped and talked to a couple of the Sisters... (BigGuy was particularly interested in them and their work, so I wanted to tell him about making sure to chat with them.) Their show's tickets cost $30 extra though, and went from 8-11:30, so we'd decided we just weren't up for it.

Then we shopped around a bit more (just looking so far), but Pixi was really tired, and her feet hurt in the sexy boots she had on. I was kinda tired too, after the drive and all the hubbub. So around 4 we took the shuttle back to the hotel room. We took off most of our sexy clothes and rested. Then we finally decided to eat dinner at that hotel, and then take the shuttle back to the con to try and go to a workshop. We had chopped salads and Moroccan style chicken wings and a beer each. Then back on the shuttle.

However, after waiting on a line for a while, when we finally got near the door of the workshop, we were told it was cancelled. And when we tried our 2nd and 3rd choices, the classes were already full! This con is just too popular now. 5 hotels to accommodate everyone, but not enough classes. Oh well.

So we just left. I'd parked our car in the lot, it was a bit of a hike to get to it. Pixi drove us to a liquor store and got a six pack. Then we went back to the hotel room. We drank a beer or two. We ate some pistachios and home made brownies I brought. We watched Thor on the TV. Nice and cozy and relaxing. I was pretty exhausted after my morning headache and driving myself to RI. So I passed out around 11 and slept well. The next day I felt SO much better! I was so glad. Much better day. I'd brought some food for breakfast, so we got some coffee in the lobby, showered, dressed, ate the food, and went back to the con. We were full of energy and did our shopping, and also talked to people. We didn't go to a class, but the human Pony Play paddock was open. I love to watch the human ponies. There are 2 friendly guys there every year (and sometimes other ponies as well), all dressed up in the leather tack. I don't want to do pony play but it fascinates me for some reason. I asked them a lot of questions, and they did demos with each other, plus some other people also got to try driving the cart around the big conference room. It was fun and funny and endearing. (Maybe sounds super weird if you're not kinky that way, but oh well!)

And in the vendor area, we met this lady who does face and body painting... she approached Pixi and was asking her about being disabled and how she would feel having her body or face painted. She works with the deaf, and was there with a paraplegic client she does personal care for. (He'd left by that point though.) So she was very nice. She gave Pixi her card and Pixi will see if she can get her boss at camp to hire her to come paint the kids. This year she'll have a week of kids with facial anomalies for the first time. They might especially enjoy it!

So, we spent some money and got a new strap on harness for Pixi (called a Joque) and a top of the line silicone dildo for it. It feels so real. We also got a few other odds and ends, some books we got signed by the author who is an acquaintance of ours, etc. We left at 4 and it was still light out for our drive home! Then we tried out our toys. :) The fit and results were excellent.
 
One more post to bring us up to the present day.

The whole thing with BigGuy. As I've said previously, he's low on funds. He's been married to his second wife since last June. We talked before he got married, and met soon after the wedding and honeymoon in the summer of 2018.

We had how many dates? I think 7 or 8? Every 3 weeks or so, he was able to get away from his blended family of 5 kids, and his new wife, and come and see me. He's the sweetest thing. Just a big cute gentle giant. Cuddly, curious, spiritual, enthusiastic. We always had fun. Shopping, teasing, laughing, meals, drinks, kink, sex, cuddles, talks.

But lately somehow his budget is really hurting. The reality has hit home. He is paying a shit ton of child support to his ex. He has been trying to make extra money beyond his regular IT job by driving for Lyft. He has feelers out to design and maintain websites. He couldn't get away from the family to go to the kink con with me, because he has his kids every other weekend, and it was a kid weekend, and also his 12 year old had basketball tournaments all weekend, that he had to attend. He told me how frustrated he was with all that. But that's the thing about dating 40somethings. Generally they are adjusted, educated, have life experience, are more self aware, but now they are neck deep in career and kid taxiing, and working on their marriages, and home maintanence, and all that.

Or if they are in their 40s, like Punk and Kahlo, and not married with children, there are... reasons. Emotional or psychological reasons, inhibitions, maladjustments.

So, finally this week, I think Monday or Tuesday, BigGuy said he would be kid free. He wanted to visit, catch up in general, and hear all about the con, and have me do things to him I learned there... I was eager to tell him about the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, etc.

So, he couldn't say yet if it would be Saturday or Sunday. Thursday I texted him, and he wrote back to say was still working out details. By 2pm yesterday (Saturday) I hadn't heard from him, and I texted him, asking what was up??. I was upset. FINALLY, at 8pm he texted me.

He said he'd been planning on coming Sunday but now he wouldn't be able to, and he was sorry.

!!!

I was so upset. I asked, well why? Just "sorry," no explanation? He wrote back saying his explanation felt like excuses. And he was embarrassed. He said he got a flat tire and apparently couldn't afford right away to get it fixed or get a new one. And life had been really stressful at home the last month, his wife has been having migraines, yada yada. I know his teen daughters have really been struggling with his divorce and remarriage. Acting out.

So... I told him I feel like we're over. :( He said he hoped not. :(

I mean, I guess, as time goes by, if he gets websites to design and maintain, and the stress with the daughters lessens as they mature, and his marriage develops, etc., he might be ready for poly. Right now, I feel sure he likes me a lot, he is "willing" to poly, but he's not "able." sigh... Shit fuck goddammit.

So... yeah. Me and men. Nothing is working out. He was SO excited to make me a fucking machine out of a reciprocating saw. There was even a vendor at the con who was selling saws and kits to adapt them into fucking machines. He was researching. But. It's not to be. If he can't even afford a tire fix, he sure can't take money to make me a sex toy. And he can't make time to see me anyway.

So, I was pretty depressed last night when he told me about his latest issues. But at least I know now... We are basically over until if and when his financial and relationship/family issues improve!

I'm doing things to compensate for the loss of actual polyamory in my life. In fact this one, sort of, gift came to me. Those of you who know my story from way back know about my BoyToy D that I dated for 2 1/2 years when I first was separated from my ex h. We had a thing from 2009-2011. He got back in touch the other day!

He said time slipped by, but he still thinks of me a LOT, and all the fun we used to have... He left me after he graduated college (he was 21 to my 53 when we met). He had a period of trying to discover who he was. He got back in touch in 2012, and we talked some. He told me he'd met a woman, went monogamous, moved in with her, worked some on his career choices. etc. He did come here once even though he was with her. We had sex once. That was back 5ish years ago. It was great, fun, but wrong. We both felt guilty. He wasn't married, but it was cheating.

So now he's in touch again. He's 30, almost 31 now! It's been 10 years since we met. Wow. He and his gf had a daughter 2 years ago. They got married last August. She didn't want kids, but he always did. It was an oops baby, but she got into the idea and they are both enjoying parenthood.

I'd warned him before not to settle for her. She's 7 years older, (he likes older women obviously), she didn't want kids, she's not kinky. But I guess he loves her.

But when we talked, over the course of 2 days this past Monday and Tuesday, he said they have long dry spells of no sex. And like me, he's a super horny person. He has to masturbate every day, after his daughter, and then his wife, go to bed (and he often thinks of me and all our great sex while he takes care of his needs alone). We spent time texting, and talking over our old good times. At first, I thought he wanted to get together for sex.

He and his new wife have apparently barely had any sex since their daughter was born. And it's not just the baby/toddler. They've had long dry spells before. But he told me, lately, they had sex on their wedding night last August, sex once in October, sex once in January. That's it! Apparently her sex drive dried up since the baby was born. She thinks the daughter will overhear them? She's 2. So what? Be quiet and hope the kid doesn't wake up. But no. She's off sex, and he's entirely frustrated. She won't help him out and that's that.

So...he told me he didn't want to cheat. But he did want to see me. As old friends. Meet for coffee, just to talk in person and reconnect. He had last Monday off for President's Day. We were going to meet at a cafe in between our houses. He's up in NH. But it snowed overnight and was still snowing in the morning, so we didn't meet. :( But he said he has lots of vacation days coming up and still wants to reconnect. So all this is kinda interesting and nostalgic. It's nice to know that he still thinks of me. I really made an impact on him in his formative years as a young adult. I guess I always will be a part of him. And vice versa. Besides the "epic" (as he put it the other day) sex, he was always so relaxing to be around. He's so smart and funny and chill and charming. Not to mention, good looking. (And well endowed, dammit.) It was always a treat to be with him. And it always amazed me he liked me so much, despite the age difference. I was his only sex partner/female connection for 2 1/2 years!

So, we'll see if we really do get together one of these days.
 
I'm sorry to hear that things haven't been going so well, Magdlyn. Arrogant doctors are such a problem! I've got chronic health problems myself so I know the feeling. I hope you can get some help so that you're feeling better.

And what a shitty development with BigGuy. It sounded like stuff was going so well. No matter what the reason, not keeping you updated is so rude!

Glad things are going well with Pixi and your new toy is working out, though!
 
Thanks, Vicki.

I had my followup visit with the "spine specialist," drug pusher. I told him I don't want any more shots. He gave me cards of several spine surgeons at the hospital. I was in with him about 3 minutes. So that's that.

I've restarted at the chiro, going about every other week, to make my allowed number of visits last. And the damaging cortisone seems to have just about all worn off, as far as I can tell. I'm back to my former level of pain. My left arm, particularly, was harmed by the cortisone. For several weeks I couldn't even sleep on my left side. Thank god for our new mattress though.

I've been getting back to the gym for water exercise. I went on a Saturday on my own, it went OK, no increased pain. So then I went twice last week, Monday to a class and Saturday on my own. I favored my left arm quite a bit those days. Then 3 days ago, I went to my Monday class and was able to use my arm so much more, almost at full power. So glad. :) I'll go do my own exercise again this Saturday. Maybe next week I'll be ready to add back in Wednesday nights as well. Here's hoping.

I got a definitive text from BigGuy 2 nights ago. He confirmed he "can't commit" to anything with me "right now," even though I "will always be someone special" to him. I had already figured all this out; it came as no surprise. We hadn't texted in about 2 weeks, maybe 3. So, that's that. I don't think there's any future for us either, since his daughters are only 12 and 14, and the younger one is really difficult. And his son and his wife's sons are extremely young. I was one of his first tries with actual polyamory. Prior to 2 years ago, he was married, he'd get emotionally invested with women at work, he cheated a couple times. Ironically, one of the reasons he got divorced is because he didn't want to cheat. He wanted to be free to form simultaneous romantic relationships. But his daughters are struggling with the divorce, and he's paying a ton of child support. So he doesn't have time or money or emotional bandwidth for extra romantic relationships now, after all that! I just want him to be fulfilled and stable with his kids and new wife. He seems to bite off more than he can chew.

I am going to see BoyToyD tomorrow morning for coffee, halfway between our homes. He had a shakeup at work (his boss suddenly quit, everyone had more responsibilities, corporate stepped in yada yada), and couldn't get any time off til now. We have a lot of sexual tension. We've been texting fairly regularly. Attraction to men is my Achilles Heel. I guess we all have one. That's mine. I try to be content with Pixi, and self care, but I am just attracted to men, despite all the struggles trying to date them. Grr... Plus Pixi's wrists have been hurting her a lot all year. Probably carpal tunnel. So the pain (not to mention my pain) have decreased our libidos. But my pain has decreased and my libido came rushing back. Hers hasn't, but she did muster energy for some great sex Sunday night. Great foreplay and then the new strap on. It was wonderful, an actual hour long session, preceded by romance and flirting all day. I felt fine Monday. Last night I was horny again, but she wasn't. And so it goes...

Also this month, I idly chatted with this guy about my age, on OKC. 99% match. (That place sucks now, so boring, so difficult.) He had messaged me one year ago, and we chatted a few days I guess, but I'd let it stop since I was seeing Kahlo. So he asked what happened, and we starting trying to get to know each other again, but he was being sketchy in various ways. Saying some weird stuff about relationships he already had. I wasn't even invested. Just kind of being polite since he recontacted me. So that ended when he started saying stuff I didn't like, despite us being a supposed 99% match. I was asking him questions about how he does relationships, and he felt like he was being interrogated, blah. He's probably a bitter distant selfish jerk irl. :rolleyes:
 
The weird thing about the OKC guy was (who is my age, not sure I mentioned that), he said one of his partners was his "sex partner," and the other woman was his "fetish partner." That's how he described them to me: as these people he did sex or kink with. Despite being a 99% match with me, as far as interests go, food, movies, books, activities and "polyamory," I felt that he was defining what he needed in a woman by what she could provide kinkilysexily. Blah! Why list movies and sushi and the proverbial walks on the beach, if you're not looking for someone to do those things with? When I said that, he stopped talking to me. So. Guy number 13,576 who says he's polyamorous, but just wants to get laid.

I did go see BoyToyD this past week. Yay. We met halfway at a cafe in the morning; and we were very good. We didn't flirt, didn't touch beyond hello and goodbye hugs, we just discussed our lives. We chatted non-stop and so easily, and joked and laughed as well. I was able to ask him all kinds of questions about where his life has been going in the past 7 years. And talked about myself as well. As I said, we did meet 5 years ago, but did more fucking than talking. So this was the first time we ever met and didn't have sex.

He explained more about the sexual drought his marriage has become. I'm not sure their sex life was ever frequent for him enough even pre-baby, but now it's terrible. He blamed it on them both being exhausted by full time jobs, and parenthood, and trying to adult and shop and cook, and keep up the housekeeping and cars and all that. I commiserated. I well remember those days. (But he only has one kid, she sleeps through the night, so honestly, he's got it good compared to me, with my 3 kids in 5 years and all terrible light sleepers.)

But they have a large circle of friends and family around with kids and should be able to do kid swaps more and more now that their kid is 2. And they're not having any more kids. Also they made a New Year's resolution to have a date once a month and have had 3 dates.

That said, he's still frustrated. And he said he can't talk about his frustration with his friends because it's all one big network, and there's gossip and all that. He did say a few friends of theirs have done "soft swaps" at certain get togethers (music fests and whatnot). At first, his wife thought that was OK, but now she thinks it is gross. They never tried it.

Oh well, he said she suits him 90% perfectly. But he did say he appreciated me as a friend outside his basic friend group network. He can talk to me about stuff he can't talk about with them. He wants to keep seeing each other.

We were together a solid 2 hours. As soon as he got home he texted me about how great it was to see me in person again. I didn't respond right away, since I was busy, but when I did, he then proceeded to tell me about how hard it had been to be "good" around me, and where his mind was going underneath all the talking and proper public behavior.

Damn. I wish... It would be nice to take up again with someone I know, and not keep going through the rigamarole of meeting men who suck or let me down. But obviously this is not going to happen with him. I can fantasize.

And in other old home week news, yesterday Punk came over to hang out with Pixi and me and my son. He was here 3 hours and he even stayed to dinner. He's never come and hung out so long. I'm still attracted to him too! Argh.

I try and keep busy with friends and hobbies and working on my health, the swimming, reading, hell, I even drew a picture yesterday. Pixi and I had a little sex yesterday, despite my son being here visiting, so that was nice. After Punk left, we were both tired, so we told son we were gonna nap, and we did, and then we messed around a little when we woke up.
 
It's been ages since I updated. I took a long long break from trying to date.

My back pain hadn't really improved all that much, despite what I said earlier. It doesn't take much over-exertion to trigger 2 or 3 days of debilitating pain. And I needed to keep the gym water exercise to just once a week.

But finally, in early July, 5 months after the cortisone shots, they really seemed to wear off. I've been swimming in lakes with T and my son several times. I've been able also to get to the gym twice a week if I am very careful to not overdo, especially with my arm movements. I can make longer drives now and feel OK.

Pixi has been at her camp director job most of the summer, as usual. She gets home for a day here, 3 or 4 days there, on days off or between sessions. She's doing fantastic work and I am so proud of her. She is like the star of camp. Everyone loves her. Her salary has increased too. Awesome.

I was almost feeling up to driving up to camp to visit her last week, but we had a huge rainstorm one day, and a lot water came in at the back cellar door, soaking the carpet. I had to shop vac it up for like an hour and a half, and of course, that hurt my back, and so the camp trip was no longer possible. Sigh...

We got together with my son for our annual threeway Leo birthday celebration earlier this month. We went to the Saugus tiki restaurant Kowloon. We went there last year for the first time and all agreed to go again. Such a fun place. Pixi and I got a little dressed up and she even put on makeup for a change. She looked extra pretty. I was designated driver so I only had 2 mai tais. Pixi had 3 drinks and Son had 4. lol It's OK, he's tall and able to handle his liquor. We got silly and had a great great time. We took a lot of pix. I love my people.

So... a few weeks ago I randomly checked my email account. I never email so I never go there. Well, there I finally found a clue to how to see if you've gotten new messages on OK Cupid. They send you an email about it. Back in the good old days, the convo bubble on the site would light up pink. But now you have to go to Second Look and click on a couple people til the one who messaged you shows up.

I had a few messages. I wrote back to one guy. Now that my pain has finally decreased and my energy has increased (not to mention Pixi being away and exhausted when she's home means much less sex) I am going to attempt dating again. I am seeing this guy for lunch shortly. First date. Apparently, as he reminded me, we chatted about a year ago, but then he and his gf Closed again for a while to further tweak how to do polyamory. He says they are better prepared now. I'm skeptical, but it's worth a local lunch and see how it goes. I don't have my hopes up. He's in his late 40s and is a member of Mensa.

Also, a very nice seeming young single guy on Fetlife contacted me. Well spoken, polite, not just being gross and immediately assuming we will have sex the moment we meet. Not like that at all. He has a graduate degree and works in the medical field, but is not a doctor. (Good.) We've been chatting platonically. I'd say he's sapiosexual and I like that. He's away at a business conference all this week but wants to see me next week. He seems really excited about me. And I have a good feeling about him. I'm very jaded but we will see. He's only 32 and his profile says he's kinky and a D type. We haven't really talked about sex or kink at all yet! Which is fine.

Back in Big Guy news, since I last wrote, he texts me now and then randomly. Soon after my last post here, he told me he accidentally got his wife pregnant! They are both early 40s. I asked, contraceptive failure? Um, yes. They use the "pulling out" method! What the actual fuck. He said, she's always been very regular. I said, she's 43, she's peri-menopausal! You can't depend on that. But it's done. They kept the pregnancy. That makes 6, count em, 6 kids between them. Crazy. And he works out every morning, works a full time and a part time job, she works full time, they aren't wealthy, her boys who are school age are sitting and playing videogames all summer while Big Guy works from home...

I said, when do you find time to parent or spend time with your wife? He goes, "Right??" The baby is due in a month or two...

I just left it there. Nice guy, but that is some crazy shit.

In a final bit of news, I just got a job. It's working for an online editing service. The main clientele are people with English as a second language. So far I really like it. I hope the bosses are pleased with my work. It feels great to be making some money again, it's been so long. And I can do it from my comfy couch. No more hard physical labor jobs like childcare or floral design for me. I really love language and editing so this seems like a great fit for me. I'm a good speller and know my grammar.

I love thinking, I am an editor. I am so grateful to the person who told me about this company!
 
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