not broken?

E

Ever

New member
Hi everyone.
So, just until recently, I was convinced there was something wrong with me. I honestly believed I was broken. Not just in the normal sense of the word as in I don't function right but also in the sense that maybe, if reincarnation is real, that in a past life my soul had been shattered and missing pieces of me where scattered into who knows how many different souls in this life that I would have to find to be complete. Just until recently I didn't even realize there was a word for how I am. Polyamorous. I am bisexual or maybe even pansexual as well(and also until recently I had no idea what that was) because it seems to me that no matter the form the soul takes, male, female, or other I do not fall in love with specific genders but the person within. I have been comfortable with that fact for quite some time now but what has been bothering me for a long time was that I could never manage to love just one person at a time. I've always been in love with multiple people no matter how fulfilling my current relationship was.
Because of this I thought that I was broken. I have an extremely supportive husband who loves me in every sense of the word. He has not once been jealous when I accidently find myself in love with another and instead has encouraged me to experience and embrace that love. This too confused me for a while until I truly grasped the depth of his love for me that I always thought was just in fairytales and stories. The problem I am having right now is that I love my husbands best friend intensely. My husband could see this and see that his friend loves me as well and we all talked about it together which was awkward but took a lot of pressure off of me at the same time. Even though it is sort of out in the open I struggle daily with missing him, wishing I could be closer to him and it causes me pain. I cry a lot by myself because of it and sometimes wish I were different. I sometimes envy people who love just one person at a time because it seems that it would be so much easier. Ugh...I could go on more about this but I don't want to ramble forever so basically I am here because I want to be around people who understand what I am going through, to know that maybe I truly am not broken
 
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I have ALWAYS been one to fall in love with the person inside not the gender. I have had both men and women that I have loved and lived with and could care less what their gender was, it was who they were and what they meant to me that mattered.

That is not broken.
 
Greetings Ever,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You know, people in monogamous couples get lonely too. One or both people probably has a job so they can't be around each other all day. So, maybe they miss each other when they can't both be at home together.

So, your husband is okay with you being in love with his best friend? Is he okay with you having intimate relations with his friend? How often do you get to see is friend? What do the two of you usually do together?

Maybe we're all "broken" in the sense of having matching bits and pieces scattered all around this great big world, and we never find all the bits and pieces, but we find some. Whatever the cause and mechanism, I am convinced that polyamory is an okay way to conduct loving relationships.

I encourage you to look around and explore our site. Don't hesitate to post any questions you may have.

Good to have you with us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
I'm glad you found us.

You are not broken.

But it does sound as though you may be wounded as a result of thinking that you have been broken all this time. Luckily, it sounds as though you have found a person, your husband, whose love for you is deep enough to embrace even the aspects of yourself that run contrary to our social programming. Hopefully, with time and introspection you can learn to be comfortable with your polyamorous nature in the same way that you are comfortable with your bisexual/pansexual nature.

Good luck to you on your journey. You are not alone.
 
Thank you to all three of you! It really means a lot to hear that I'm not broken. Jane QSmythe I think you are definitely right about our social programming and my being wounded for having thought that I was broken for so long. I never knew that people could love more than one person and have that be acceptable so I never talked to anyone about it ever until I met my husband and it's like he can see inside me and that I can't hide any part of me from him at all because I definitely tried to hide it. He always said there was nothing wrong with having a big heart and a large capacity for love but I'd assumed he was biased(which he is lol) so hearing it from others really helps me with my journey to accepting and loving myself more.

To answer your questions, kdt26417. My husband is a wonderful man who understands me and loves what makes me happy so when he saw the way his friend and I looked at each other after a while he came to me and we discussed it. He is absolutely ok with me being in love with his best friend. He likes that I love him and that he loves me even in a romantic way and thinks that I should love with all my heart at any opportunity. Although we have talked about his friend and I possibly being intimate he said that it was something he would want to experience with me rather than me and bf on our own. I know that when he broached the subject with bf he was uncomfortable with it because of past experiences. Honestly that is quite fine with me because at the moment I don't feel ready as in I'm still trying to sort all of this out in my head. I don't know how I would feel if the roles where reversed and I'm not sure I want to share my body with someone other than my husband yet.

Whenever I am around bf it is almost always together with my husband. This is not a problem because when I am with both of them in the same room hanging out I couldn't be happier. My hubby and I (and most the time our children) go over to bf or other way around at least once a week. The three of us just hang out. We talk about all sorts of things together, bbq with our kids, go camping, watch football, the guys will work on projects like building things or repairing cars/trucks and I will help as much as I can with my limited knowledge on the subjects but really we just all hang out together and that is when I feel the most whole no matter what we happen to be doing. Bf and I haven't actually done much together on our own and I don't know how he would feel about that. I think the missing him so much stems from wanting to be able to hold his hand if I feel like it or kiss him, hug him longer, cuddle...just being close to him physically but I think that will just have to come with time because, like me, he is also struggling with the fact that he is in love with his best friends wife and that complicates things very much for him. Bf knows that hubby is happy that we share this and even encourages it but like I said before he is wary and is afraid if things get messy that we won't be around anymore and our friendship or even my husband and I's marriage will be ruined. Good news is that I think with time I will be able to be close with him as I'm sure we all would like and take the tension out of the room because slowly we have been closer. He has kissed me and I do get to give him longer hugs every once in a while. He's just gotta test the waters slowly and I'm ok with that.

Wow, to anyone still reading this, thanks! Just one other thing that has always worried me is how this would affect my children. They are 4(almost 5) and 8yrs old. My daughter knows that mommy loves her friends very much because with all most all of my girl friends we will kiss when we greet each other and kiss when we part. I love them with all of my heart, some more romantically than others but all intensely. From an early age I have raised my kids to know that love is love, Period. That boys can love boys and girls can love girls and they accept that. However, I do not know what they would think if they saw me kissing bf regularly...Do any of you have kids that know you are poly?

And what about telling your parents? was that ever something you thought you needed to share with them? I have so many questions...I can't even get them all out! That's probably a good thing at this point as I have written a lot! Ok, I'm done for now lol and again thank you to all who have responded and thank you to any who make it through this whole thing!
 
Hey Ever,

It sounds like you're taking things one small step at a time -- which I think is a smart way to do things. Lots of communication along the way is a good idea too.

We have what I think is a good and important thread about kids and poly: What about the Kids? You should check it out (though it's a bit long ...).

Long story short:

Re:
"Do any of you have kids that know you are poly?"
Click to expand...

Some of us definitely do (though I'm not one who does myself). I generally think that it's a good thing for your kids to know fairly early on, because for one thing kids are pretty smart and they pick up on things and you don't want them to get the wrong idea (e.g., "ONOZ, Mommy's getting ready to leave Daddy"). What's difficult is figuring out whether to ask your kids to help you keep it in the closet, and whether they'll be able to even if they're willing. If they can't, then other kids might pick on them at school for being different, etc.

Re:
"And what about telling your parents? Was that ever something you thought you needed to share with them?"
Click to expand...

Some polyamorists come out to their parents. Some don't. My polycule (a V) happens to be in the closet to almost all our traditional family and friends. The reason for that is simple enough: There's too many people who wouldn't be able to handle the information in an adult fashion.

If you decide to tell your parents (and other family/friends), you'll have to risk some fallout. Sometimes people will freak out when you first tell them, then after about a year they'll start calming down. But it's totally up to you whether you do or don't consider your poly life to be your own business, to be treated as such.

Re:
"I have so many questions ..."
Click to expand...

We're happy to answer them; ask away. :)
 
Happy for you to have found this site :) This forum has helped me a lot in poly-related issues. I am not the one to eagerly post about my problems, I rather read what other people have gone through and learn. There really is tons of information here, take your time to browse through. You will find lots of useful info.

The thread Kevin pointed out about kids is a good one. You can also search for threads about children and poly - there are several of them. My opinion is that polyamory itself is not harmful to kids, but parents can mess things up for kids in a poly relationship as well as in a mono one. Scheduling and time management becomes more important in a poly situation, often. In your case your bf already is a part of your children's lives, so that should not be a big deal.

There are many threads about coming out - to parents, to other people etc. Whether or not tell your parents depends in many things. One thing to think about is that your kids might out you to the parents if they know - that has happened to many poly people. Still, I think it would be beneficial for the children to know what is going on - they will pick up on it anyway. To tell or not to tell; or when to tell is totally up to you. Do whatever feels best in your situation.

You seem to be doing fine in your life. Keep on taking baby steps!
 
I suppose I should clarify. By bf I mean best friend(of husband) and not boyfriend. I really am not one to post about my problems either and this was actually really hard for me to do but I felt I needed to reach out because I was feeling so lost. I am really glad I found this forum though because it seems to be a good community of people who are eager to help rather than be mean or what ever else I was afraid would happen when I posted this as a newbie so thank you very much for being so welcoming!
 
Thanks for the clarification! I did think it was kind of interesting that you called him "boyfriend" at this stage... :D My mistake.

If you want to avoid this kind of misunderstandings, maybe you'd like to come up with nicknames for "your guys" and make a signature line that clarifies your situation. Just an idea. Nicknames make posts easier to follow, too.
 
Nadya said:
Thanks for the clarification! I did think it was kind of interesting that you called him "boyfriend" at this stage... :D My mistake.

If you want to avoid this kind of misunderstandings, maybe you'd like to come up with nicknames for "your guys" and make a signature line that clarifies your situation. Just an idea. Nicknames make posts easier to follow, too.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the advice! I will definitely do that to avoid future confusion. Just got tired of writing best friend out each time and didn't know what else to use lol This is all so new! I am still trying to wrap my head around so much information all at once and honestly, it is a bit overwhelming. Honestly, the whole situation in general is overwhelming!
 
No problem, society doesn't prepare us for polyamory. Just take it in little bites, it'll seem less overwhelming when you've accumulated more familiarity with the subject.
 
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