Not Coping Well With Others

[Cleo]

Hi KC. I can relate so much to what you are writing here. Like you, I always feel that I will not be good enough, that people will leave me, that they will enjoy the company of others more. Relationships and friendships bring me joy and they also cause me a lot of anxiety because of my beliefs about my self and my low self esteem. I want to offer you my perspective, which might be slightly different from what others have written.

I have had this anxiety about my partners with every partner I had. I have it with most of my friends, too. To me it doesn't matter much if a lover is single or has other partners. If he doesn't have other partners right now, he could always fall in love with a completely new person tomorrow, right? So I am just wondering if it would really make that much of a difference if Woody were single?

I used to feel terribly anxious about my husbands other partners.. especially one of them, I don't trust her (and have reasons to not trust her). I have found 2 ways to deal with that. First, it's been a slow learning process, but I have come to learn to accept that his relationship with her is not my business. I don't understand it, but I don't have to. I don't have to think about the fact that she is prettier and skinnier and more creative. If i succeed in letting him BE in this relationship with her, and don't butt in, the work is half done. Now there are also things that I ask of him - for instance, I don't want to see her and he knows this, so I trust him to arrange things in a way that make sure I don't run in to her. This may sound like it has nothing to do with your situation... but I have found this realization, that I don't belong in his relationship with her as long as it doesn't hurt me and as long as he is still a good partner to me, as well, very helpful in dealing with the new relationship I started over a year ago.

My BF has 1 other partner, he has known her twice as long as me. So she has had more time with him ,knows him better, more history. And they share a kink that is very important to him and that he doesn't share with me. Fro the very beginning of our relationship I suffered from horrible anxiety / panic attacks much like you describe. When I was with him everything would be fine but when I was alone I would start to imagine things and think of only the worst case scenarios that could happen. It was exhausting and at the time friends and even my husband said it would be better to break up if it was obviously causing me so much heartache?

In the beginning I tried to talk to him about these issues of mine. I have found that does not help, at all. He is kind and will reassure me. But the reassurance does not last. It's like a tiny band aid on a gaping wound. Slowly, very slowly I started to realize that this is MY thing to fix. It has absolutely nothing to do with him and even less with his other partner. (now this is only true if your partner is actually a good partner. But from what I've read on your blog, Woody seems to be a great guy and a very good poly partner).

Could you look at it from a different angle? Could you not involve him so much in your thought processes and the things that your damaged heart tells you, based on the experiences in your past? Is it possible, if only just a tiny bit, to spend the time you are not with him not crying but doing other things that distract you - preferably things you are good at, things that help your self esteem, like work or your music or going outside or spending time with friends?

I really think that focusing less on what he says and how he reassures you, and his words about hierarchy or non hierarchy etc, and focusing more on what he does and how he treats you, how you feel when you are with him, could be helpful. But I am only saying that because it's been helpful for me.

My current BF is the best poly partner I've ever had. He is truly committed to poly, he loves me. He loves his GF too and maybe he loves her more, or differently. I don't know. But I am glad I did not break up with him and gave our connection a chance.

 

[Cleo]

BTW I wanted to add that things you do, like movie night and karaoke night with his other partners, would be way too much for me to handle. I have met my BF's other partner twice and that was nice, I like her, we chat sometimes about practical and scheduling stuff, and I am fine with BF mentioning her in conversation and talking about stuff they did, but there is no way I would want to socialize with her the way you are now doing with Woody's other partners.

Would you feel less anxious if your dates with Woody were more just about the 2 of you? There would be nothing wrong with saying that to him. Doesn't make you a bad poly person or something, just someone who knows what she can and cannot deal with. His style might not be your style. Still that doesn't have to be a reason to break up.

 

[InfinitePossibility]

It was exhausting and at the time friends and even my husband said it would be better to break up if it was obviously causing me so much heartache?

I think this is such a common response to people when faced with a friend or loved one feeling anxiety. To tell them to avoid the source of the anxiety.

Anxiety has been so much a part of me since I was child that if I'd developed avoidance as a habit, I probably wouldn't be able to leave my house - and even then, I'd stay inside and worry about fires, break ins, the roof falling.

For me, developing a habit of pushing myself to confront something that makes me anxious every day along with having time to rest has worked very well. It's easy enough because I can't get through a day without a certain amount of anxiety - there's always something even if it's just the thought of falling down the stairs and breaking my neck when I get up in the morning.

 

[IndieSolo]

Hi KC,
Is it possible that, even with the stress of the holidays, that perhaps you get caught up in all this circular thinking and analysis of your relationship with Woody because he has become too much of a main focus in your life, too soon? I do also think he's good for you and I love reading the posts in your blog where you describe having uplifting, positive experiences with him, but then I also wonder if it is always best for you to go to him and verbalize all your insecurities, beyond the ones you need to feel safe with him.

What about your music? Your writing? Maybe give yourself other reasons to get out of the house more often, and not make Woody the only reason you go anywhere. I know it can be difficult to not get overly wrapped up in a relationship, believe me, especially when it feels so good to have someone pay you a lot of attention, and the sex is good and you're able to push boundaries in that area, but my gut feeling is that you need more things in your life so that you don't get sucked into questioning and hyperfocusing on every detail that swirls around in your thoughts about how this is going. Does that make sense?

 

[KC43]

Glad you took action and have a time set to talk with him tomorrow. And that helped lift some of the depression-y thoughts.

Only you can determine how much you want to be investing here. Maybe the talk will help you figure it out?

Galagirl

That's what I'm hoping. It will at least give me some clarity about his feelings and intentions.

So I am just wondering if it would really make that much of a difference if Woody were single?

It might not. My last boyfriend was monogamous, and that ended very badly; that breakup is impacting my interactions with Woody to some extent, as GalaGirl alluded to a few posts back. The difference if Woody didn't have other partners currently would be that I wouldn't be intentionally or unintentionally comparing myself to them.

Could you look at it from a different angle? Could you not involve him so much in your thought processes and the things that your damaged heart tells you, based on the experiences in your past? Is it possible, if only just a tiny bit, to spend the time you are not with him not crying but doing other things that distract you - preferably things you are good at, things that help your self esteem, like work or your music or going outside or spending time with friends?

I really think that focusing less on what he says and how he reassures you, and his words about hierarchy or non hierarchy etc, and focusing more on what he does and how he treats you, how you feel when you are with him, could be helpful. But I am only saying that because it's been helpful for me.

To be a bit picky to start with (sorry), I don't have a job. My "work" consists of writing books that pretty much no one reads (my writing career is currently contributing to *low* self-esteem for me, though my publisher is working on some new marketing venues, so hopefully that will be changing) and, for the next week or so, revamping a couple of websites for a friend of Woody's.

I also don't have friends to spend time with. My friends are almost all online. The guys I list in my signature as friends...well, Best Friend is usually too busy to even message me, let alone see me; I haven't seen or heard from Techie since we went out to coffee; and Flip is more of an annoyance than a friend. Those are the only people I consider friends who live anywhere near me and who I could, in theory, see--but I don't see them because they don't have time. Guy lives 900 miles away and I haven't heard from him since I started seeing Woody. Spending time with Woody's housemates and his friends is the only "real life" (as opposed to online) social outlet I have.

I do other things. I work on my writing, even though it doesn't make me feel particularly positive right now, and on my music. But unless I fill up every single second of every single day doing something that requires focus and thought, there will always be times when my mind wanders to the negative shit. Not all of this is something I can control. I do my best, but anxiety and depression are not things I choose, and neither are their symptoms or the impact they have. Since those are ILLNESSES, it isn't always just a matter of "distracting myself" or "changing how I think about things," because sometimes neither of those is possible no matter how hard I try. And believe me, I try; I'm stubborn as fuck. But it doesn't always work, just like trying to outstubborn the pain of my fibromyalgia doesn't always work.

BTW I wanted to add that things you do, like movie night and karaoke night with his other partners, would be way too much for me to handle. I have met my BF's other partner twice and that was nice, I like her, we chat sometimes about practical and scheduling stuff, and I am fine with BF mentioning her in conversation and talking about stuff they did, but there is no way I would want to socialize with her the way you are now doing with Woody's other partners.

Would you feel less anxious if your dates with Woody were more just about the 2 of you? There would be nothing wrong with saying that to him. Doesn't make you a bad poly person or something, just someone who knows what she can and cannot deal with. His style might not be your style. Still that doesn't have to be a reason to break up.

The movie nights don't usually include his other partners; there were a couple of previous Friday movie nights that were meant to include either Highlight or Stella but they ended up not being able to make it. So last Friday was the first movie night that one of his other partners was present.

By contrast, Hubby has accompanied me to two movie nights there (including the one where Highlight was supposed to be present) and enjoyed it, since he has even fewer social outlets than I do. And Woody was happy to have Hubby there. I didn't mind movie night with Stella, and Woody has promised to always tell me if Highlight or Stella will be there on Fridays so I have the option of either bringing Hubby or staying home. Neither Highlight nor Stella will ever be present on a Tuesday movie night; Woody has promised Tuesdays to me.

Karaoke is a group activity, and Highlight and Lips are part of the group it's meant for. It became a date night for Woody and Highlight last time because they'd been having trouble coordinating their schedules. They've decided that if Highlight goes to karaoke again at all, it will only be if Lips can go with her (since he actually enjoys karaoke and she doesn't), and future karaoke nights will be one of *my* date nights with Woody if I want.

Every Tuesday night is a guaranteed date night for Woody and me, and while Hair, sometimes Doll and Mouse, and sometimes other friends of his are there for the movies, I'm his main focus on Tuesdays. And after a few hours of movies with other people, we have plenty of private time together, as we also do the following morning since usually everyone else is out of the house by the time we get up. If a Friday night is a date night for me, it's mostly the same; Highlight or Stella *might* be there, as Stella was last week, but again, that's only for a few hours and then I get plenty of one-on-one time with Woody.

 

[Cleo]

I do other things. I work on my writing, even though it doesn't make me feel particularly positive right now, and on my music. But unless I fill up every single second of every single day doing something that requires focus and thought, there will always be times when my mind wanders to the negative shit. Not all of this is something I can control. I do my best, but anxiety and depression are not things I choose, and neither are their symptoms or the impact they have. Since those are ILLNESSES, it isn't always just a matter of "distracting myself" or "changing how I think about things," because sometimes neither of those is possible no matter how hard I try. And believe me, I try; I'm stubborn as fuck. But it doesn't always work, just like trying to outstubborn the pain of my fibromyalgia doesn't always work.

I know they are illnesses. I am sorry if I made you feel I believe that they are something that you can just change or distract yourself from, that was not my intention at all - I know, from plenty of my own experience, that that is not how it works.

My perspective was more about how much you involve Woody in all this and if it would help to not involve him so much? Because I think (and again - from my own experience) it could be possible that rehashing negative thoughts with him and asking for his assurance is not really adding anything positive to your relationship? That it prevents you from really enjoying all the good things that are happening with him, and relax in his love and affection?

 

[KC43]

I think this is such a common response to people when faced with a friend or loved one feeling anxiety. To tell them to avoid the source of the anxiety.

Anxiety has been so much a part of me since I was child that if I'd developed avoidance as a habit, I probably wouldn't be able to leave my house - and even then, I'd stay inside and worry about fires, break ins, the roof falling.

For me, developing a habit of pushing myself to confront something that makes me anxious every day along with having time to rest has worked very well. It's easy enough because I can't get through a day without a certain amount of anxiety - there's always something even if it's just the thought of falling down the stairs and breaking my neck when I get up in the morning.

That's exactly how I see it. Yes, I have anxiety and depression. Yes, as I said in my previous post, I *can't* always control the impact they have on me, because they're illnesses, not choices.

But that doesn't mean I hide from the things that make me anxious, and it doesn't mean I don't do things through the depression. Yesterday, in addition to starting this thread, I did five hours of work for Woody's friend, an hour of editing on one of my books, an hour of promotion for my already-published books, half an hour of guitar practice, and a bunch of housework. I was crying through some of it, because some of it didn't require enough brain power to completely shut off the negative thoughts. But I got shit done. I didn't let the depression convince me to give up and hide under the covers.

Likewise with the anxiety. I was anxious as hell about karaoke last week. I told Woody I was anxious, not so much for reassurance as just so he would be aware, and so he would understand that it wasn't about him or Highlight, it was about my fucked-up brain chemistry. But I didn't stay home. I had an anxiety attack while driving to the club... but I went anyway. When I started feeling anxious during the evening, I went outside and sat in my car for a while to get myself back together, and then I went back in, continued the evening, and kicked frigging ass singing "Enter Sandman."

Even when I'm struggling, I don't let my mental health issues prevent me from doing things I want to do. I might have to make allowances, or change the way I'm doing something, but I do what I want to do.

Hi KC,
Is it possible that, even with the stress of the holidays, that perhaps you get caught up in all this circular thinking and analysis of your relationship with Woody because he has become too much of a main focus in your life, too soon? I do also think he's good for you and I love reading the posts in your blog where you describe having uplifting, positive experiences with him, but then I also wonder if it is always best for you to go to him and verbalize all your insecurities, beyond the ones you need to feel safe with him.

What about your music? Your writing? Maybe give yourself other reasons to get out of the house more often, and not make Woody the only reason you go anywhere. I know it can be difficult to not get overly wrapped up in a relationship, believe me, especially when it feels so good to have someone pay you a lot of attention, and the sex is good and you're able to push boundaries in that area, but my gut feeling is that you need more things in your life so that you don't get sucked into questioning and hyperfocusing on every detail that swirls around in your thoughts about how this is going. Does that make sense?

I understand what you're saying. I keep most of my issues and insecurities to myself, I think, but I do share with him the things that might impact our relationship. If I'm upset because I feel like I don't matter as much as Highlight, I won't put it that way to Woody, but I might do as I did last night and say "I'm having one of those days where I feel like I don't matter, can you please say something good about me."

My music is, right now, solely for me. I'm working on songs, but right now I'm the only one hearing them. My writing, as I said in the last post... Writing is supposed to be my CAREER. I'm supposed to be bringing extra money into the household with it. Right now I'm failing massively; some of my books haven't sold a single copy in the past six months. And those are published by publishers who, at least in theory, are doing as much if not more promotion and marketing than I am. Coupled with having pretty much completely lost the romance side of my career after a year of not being able to write anything even slightly sexual (the publishers I'm with require a certain amount of sexual content in the romances they publish), writing isn't really a positive thing for me most of the time right now.

As for other reasons to leave the house... For the past six and a half years, the only reasons I've had to leave the house are running errands, occasionally going to Hubby's workplace to do paperwork, attending school functions for my kids, or driving my kids places. I don't have friends around here who are willing to spend time with me. I don't have family around here who I want to spend time with. (And they aren't my family anyway, they're Hubby's.) I haven't found any activities or clubs to join, other than ones that meet at night--when I'm only willing to go out if someone's with me--or ones that cost money, which I don't have.

I have tried to find things to do, especially since S2 broke up with me (since during that relationship, he was usually the only reason I left the house), but I haven't succeeded.

 

[KC43]

I know they are illnesses. I am sorry if I made you feel I believe that they are something that you can just change or distract yourself from, that was not my intention at all - I know, from plenty of my own experience, that that is not how it works.

My perspective was more about how much you involve Woody in all this and if it would help to not involve him so much? Because I think (and again - from my own experience) it could be possible that rehashing negative thoughts with him and asking for his assurance is not really adding anything positive to your relationship? That it prevents you from really enjoying all the good things that are happening with him, and relax in his love and affection?

I get what you're saying, but ... Well, no. Actually, I don't understand your perspective on this, so hopefully you can explain a bit. To me, a relationship where I don't talk about the problems I'm having--especially problems WITH THE RELATIONSHIP, that might lead to me ENDING the relationship, is totally worthless and a complete lie.

If I can't turn to someone who claims to love me when I'm struggling and need help, what's the point of having them in my life? The good times are definitely a benefit, but I need people I can count on in the bad times as well. And I involve Woody in it because it's about Woody. I'm not going to lie to him and pretend the relationship is all sunshine and roses if I'm having a hard time with it. Relationships are about communication, not about faking happiness.

With Woody, I talk to him about these things because he's told me to. Same with Hubby. Both of them have told me they *want* to know if I'm having difficulty, and they *want* to be people I lean on. And I do the same for them when they need it; it isn't all one way.

While I know that threads on here wander, and I'm taking in everything everyone's saying, I would like to point out that originally, I wasn't asking about how to improve my relationship with Woody in general; I was asking about how to better handle and address my insecurities involving his other partners. Not talking to Woody about problems I'm having wouldn't address that issue.

 

[KC43]

And now I'm gonna step away from the computer for a bit and figure out why I'm reacting so strongly to some of what people have said...

I do want to say that, while I sometimes think and process out loud, and I sometimes disagree with people's perspectives but don't always phrase that well (I *think* I sound okay, but then people tell me I'm being argumentative; I can't always tell, particularly in text), I do value everyone's input, and I do take it all into account when I'm trying to work through something.

 

[KC43]

A couple of things that were going on in my head earlier:

Cleo, I apologize if I sounded harsh to you. I've been told by past partners--especially my abusive ex-husband--that I have no right to talk to them if there's a problem. According to those partners, if something was wrong with the relationship, something was wrong with ME, because they were always right and I was the one who was fucked up. I think you telling me I shouldn't talk to Woody when I'm struggling with my relationship with him trod on that, especially since one of the fears I have with him is that if I talk to him too much when I'm feeling low, he'll bail on me. At the same time, *not* talking to him when I'm feeling low is not an option I'm willing to consider, because as I said, if I have someone close to me, I need them to be there for me in bad times as well as good, and I do the same for them. To me, that's what a relationship is. You cheer each other on in the good times, and support each other in the bad.

Cyndie, I think I've said something before about not having friends or other social outlets. I wasn't upset that you suggested it; you're absolutely right that that would be something beneficial. But I'm frustrated and upset with myself that it's something I've never been able to do. Not having friends or activities or clubs or whatever isn't a new thing in my life. It's been this way since elementary school; I was the kid who always just sat in her room with a book or a notebook, and only talked to people at school--and barely even there. The most social and outgoing I've been was when I was in college, when it was relatively easy because I had roommates, and I was a theater minor so I hung out with the theater kids. But even then, I spent a hella-lot of time alone in my dorm room. So like I said, I agree with you that it would be a good thing to find other friends or social outlets...but it's a thing I've never managed to do my entire life.

(There's also a slight agoraphobia component to my anxiety and PTSD, as well as pretty major hypervigilance when I'm out in public, so I tend to avoid being outside or going to crowded places like malls or downtown Boston. Some days, it's a lot easier to be safe and miserable at home than to be unsafe, terrified, and probably still miserable out somewhere else.)

 

[Cleo]

You didn't sound harsh at all! I think it is just a thing where what's working for me, would not work for you. And I can see how it seemed that my replies derailed from your OP - however for me they were connected.

If I can have one more attempt to explain what I meant - for me there are various reasons for talking to a partner about something that is bothering me - for instance when my husband broke my trust by breaking a rule, or when my BF started to wear the jewelry that signifies his D/s relationship - that is something that is really part of the relationship and needs addressing. Or, when I am going through something that upsets me, like trouble at work or a fight with a friend or something - you want to be there for each other. But - when i feel anxious and jealous about a metamour, and I know there are no reasons in reality for this, it is just the demons inside my own head that are causing the panic, then I decide to not talk about it, because talking about it would only make it more real, and I want to make it less real.

So in a case like that I would tell my partner I'm anxious and demons are acting up (I have a kind of code phrase that I use, not actually about demons though) but leave out all details. And when I handle it like that, work on it, using my own methods I've learned and practiced in therapy, the issues I have with my partners other partners, the feelings of not being good enough and the fear of being abandoned, subside quicker than when I rehash and talk about it with them in detail. I hope this makes more clear what I meant.

What I wanted was to give you some positive perspective. I really think that breaking up over this would be a shame since you write so many wonderful things about your relationship with Woody on your blog. To me you seem like a very interesting, inquisitive, intelligent and fearless person! (fearless not meaning you're not afraid, but that you are putting yourself out there and push your boundaries on a daily basis, making good things happen).

 

[KC43]

It wasn't a derail, really. It was a facet of the whole picture, and it was good information that gave me something to think about. On this forum, regardless of what the original intention of a thread is, things sometimes wander, and I think that's usually a good thing. Even if it isn't directly applicable to the original topic, it might be applicable in another part of the OP's life, or in someone else's.

Ah, now I get what you're saying. I don't give details or get into the whole thing the way I did at the beginning of this thread. I don't tell Woody "Hey, I'm struggling with believing you love me as much as Highlight" or whatever. I do what I did last night: "Hey, I'm in a depression mire and having trouble believing I matter, so please tell me a reason I matter to you." (And I said the same thing to Hubby.)

So yeah, I do the same thing you do. At *calm* times, I've told Woody a couple of times that I'm having some difficulty adjusting to having a partner with other partners, and when I first met Highlight I did tell him that I felt inadequate compared to her--but I told him that AFTER I had worked through it on my own, so was able to add that I'd realize I only felt that way because I was comparing her and me, and I knew *he* wasn't comparing us so I was going to try not to either. I work through the stuff mostly on my own, but I ask for reassurances, like "tell me something good about myself" or "remind me you love me" because no matter how much work I do on my own, sometimes it gets through a lot faster coming from the person my depression is focusing on than it does when I try to convince myself of it.

 

[vinsanity0]

From the outside looking in there does not appear to be anything wrong with your relationship with Woody. But we are not there in your head. I think you do see that a lot of it is worry on your part.

I could be wrong, but I think you take things too literal sometimes. For instance, I would probably tell someone I just started seeing Sprite because it still feels new and we don't see each other a lot. We started seeing each other in August, which puts it at going on four months. Written out that seems like much longer than it feels. So I hope you give Woody a benefit of a doubt there.

Also, and this is more in general about giving advice, just take what you think can help and disregard the rest. All of our advice (except maybe GalaGirl's, which is very clinical) comes from our own experiences and perspectives. You have a very specific view of what you want a relationship to be. People like me like to let the relationship go wherever it goes. There is no right or wrong, only what is right or wrong for us...or you.

Elle suffers from depression and it is very hard to deal with. She pushes me away sometimes. I sort of see that in what you do. If Woody says he will be there for you please believe him. It really bothers me that she doesn't believe me. I wish I knew how to deal with it, meaning knowing what to do to make her feel better about us. She is absolutely stunning, witty, smart...the list goes on and on - and she does not see it at all.

OK...I'm rambling. I hope I made sense.

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from KC43):

"He insists that he loves Highlight and me equally and we're equally important to him."

Well I'm assuming he's telling the truth, for the moment.

Re:

"I keep thinking I should be okay with it. I should be able to handle Woody having other partners. I should be confident enough to believe I matter to him as much as they do."

That's a lot of shoulds. You don't have to be okay with it. Work with how you actually do feel, stop flogging yourself over how you think you should feel.

Re (from KC43):

"I didn't ask him if he had any other partners, because I assumed he would tell me if he did."

Yeah, it's better not to assume.

Re:

"I have made progress, which is why I say he's good for me, but it's coming at the cost of a lot of pain and crying on my part, and I don't know whether it's growing pains or a sign that I'm just plain not capable of handling this."

One possible suggestion is, decide on a specific length of time that you'll give this relationship before breaking up. That is, decide what you think is the maximum reasonable amount of time to endure the same amount of pain and crying before deciding, "Okay, this can't possibly be worth it." So you have a due date of when (how soon) you'd like things to start improving. If they haven't improved by the time you reach the due date, then you break up. If they have improved by then, great: pick another "reasonable amount of time" if you still feel the need.

The reason this can help is because it gives you the power to turn on your own light at the end of the tunnel. It gives you the power to decide how long the tunnel will be. Sometimes you can endure something a little easier if you know exactly when you can expect it to end. Things will get better, one way or another.

I suppose the only disadvantage is your conscience might compel you to give Woody notice of your plan. You might be afraid he'll break up with you immediately if you do. But then, you were thinking about breaking up anyway, right? Don't rule it out, is what I'm saying.

 

[KC43]

So update...

Last night was my overnight with Woody. I was in kind of a rough headspace, and we ended up not talking about anything important last night. I was worrying about some of the advice here that I stop talking to him when I'm struggling, so I couldn't bring myself to say anything. So we went to bed with no discussions and no sex--the latter being something that hasn't happened before.

This morning, though, we talked. I told him I was reluctant to talk to him because I don't want to lean on him too much, and I don't want him to think I'm never going to wrap my head around him having other partners because that would be a reason for him to end things with me.

He said he wants me to talk to him no matter what I'm thinking or feeling, and especially if it's about our relationship, which as far as he's concerned includes if I feel insecure about his other partners. He said it doesn't matter what the topic is, if something's upsetting me or worrying me, he wants to reassure me.

He said he knows this is tough for me in part because I'm used to being hurt and I'm used to having to protect myself, but that he's patient, he's going to stick with me as long as it takes for me to be comfortable, and he's going to show me he'll protect me so I won't keep feeling like I have to protect myself from being hurt by *him*. He said he's a nurturer, and that he wants to take care of me, whatever that entails.

He told me it's perfectly fine and understandable that I sometimes worry that I'm not good enough or not as good as Highlight or Stella, and reiterated that he doesn't compare us and doesn't love anyone more or less than anyone else. He also told me some things he gains solely from me that he wants me to remember for when I feel that way: I bring things out in him that he didn't know were there. I challenge him in good ways and get him to push his comfort zone. I calm and soothe him when I'm there, so he feels more comfortable and sleeps better. I show him things from a different perspective, and that makes him think and teaches him things.

So I'm going to work on remembering those things...

 

[kdt26417]

Sounds like you guys had a good talk.