Not Feeling the Connectivity

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eklctc

New member
I am in a polyamorous relationship with a couple. My official introduction to their parents is due to take place soon. However, I plan to tell my partners (Grant and Carrie) I think we should wait.

Why?

I don't feel the connectivity in the relationship when all three of us are together. Whenever we are supposed to have a 'group' discussion, what ends up happening is they have a conversation in detail and then Grant filters the summary of the conversation and decision to me. That is a polygamous move-- when the husband and primary wife discuss and decide and the results are passed on to the lesser wives.

Also, when we are all together, and Grant wants to show something or say something, he specifically calls Carrie's name to share. Though I may be in earshot, I'm not really included in the conversation. There are other small things that I observe that continue to indicate they are still operating a dual partnership. So, basically, I have begun to feel more comfortable with them separately than I do with them together, because at least that way I feel more in tune.

I noticed this dynamic from the beginning. But, of course, I considered it to be something that would progress and change as the relationship developed. I tried to consider the newness of the relationship (we've been together almost five months), and the fact that the relationship type in general is new to them, after being married for 10 years (with sporadic swinging).

However, as I have observed this behavior and tried to take it lightly, I decided I needed to speak up about it, since it is something that I seem to look for now (because it seems inevitable) when we are together, somewhat making me dread the three of us being together, and it will begin to change the energy within me from neutral to negative if I do not speak up now.

My brother tells me to stop using the newness of the relationship as a crutch to excuse these things.

Another point that I notice is that we always use 'time' as our reason for not being able to do things (get together and talk, hang out, etc.), especially with Carrie. But, as Grant mentioned to me in a separate conversation last week, it's all about priority and sequence. Maybe it's not a priority at all, or maybe it is on the priority list, but sequenced so far down it never gets addressed.

Now, Carrie can't ever seem to find the time to be available for a three-party conversation, but she finds the time to go meet up with other guys, or go hang out with other friends, or they can find the time to have an in-depth conversation without me, yet I'm free when they are free. She also takes her sweet time to respond to my messages (I mean, like a day or two). which weighs heavier on me than I want to admit. I mean, if we are all equally invested, how does Grant get a response and/or get a phone call from Carrie, yet mine gets ignored?

I don't want to end the relationship, but the relationship I currently see is not the one I am aiming for.

What are your thoughts?
 
I think you should have a talk with them and see where you guys are standing. It seems you're their secondary, when you want to be a primary. Do they know you do? Maybe they just assumed that's the way the relationship would go.

If you discuss it, they'll be able to tell you if they see it happening or not. If there is no hope of change, I think none of you will be happy in the end, as you won't get what you want.
 
eklctc, no advice, just wanted you to know I have similar issues in my relationship. You're not alone! I've not gotten to a point where I feel like I can do anything though. I can't be with my couple nearly as much as I'd like to be, so frequently I feel secondary too. I just have patience for now. I hope it ends up well for you though, and you take care of you.

Neon, thanks for the links.
 
@Tonberry- Thanks. The convo is coming. I'm working in another state this week so the in-person convo has to wait until the weekend, but I am letting them know that I have decided not to accompany them to the shindig at their parents' house on Sunday.

We have good communication, for the most part, so I have expressed the third-wheel syndrome, or the dual partnership statement several times. I know it is a process but, I think, sometimes they allow themselves to get comfortable and forget that it isn't just them anymore.
 
@pancake- Thanks. I, too, cannot spend the time I want with them, yet we originally agreed that this relationship would be the only emotionally-connected relationship we would allow ourselves to have, since we are an open polyamorous partnership. With that being the case, I need to be emotionally satisfied, which is not the case now, as it had been at a point. I am still patient too, but nothing can get addressed, and no one can have what they desire, if we don't share our thoughts, right?
 
@Neon- Thanks. The individual relationships have developed in their own way, at their own pace, and are still in the process of doing that. Grant and I love each other and spend 2-3 days together per week. Carrie and I are care for each other, but we have not verbally professed love, and we are emotionally supportive of each other. (I helped her through the loss of the baby a couple of months back and other emotional situations.) But we spend time, whenever time is allowed, since she works two jobs and has a very tight schedule.

However, we all keep the lines of communication open via email and text as well, and monthly we share little gifts and sentiments. We are comfortable with our individual relationships. Being a triad is not the focus. The focus is on being connected when we are all together. That's where I have begun to experience some dissension.
 
They probably have some issues they need to work out between the two of them.

It sounds like you're doing what you need to be doing on your part.
 
Hey Eklctc,

Reading your post, a couple things popped into my head. The first, or maybe most important, is that it may be that you and Carrie really are not connecting especially well. You probably care about each other, etc., but the real depth is just not there. That's okay, as long as you don't expect otherwise. It's entirely possible for a successful threeway relationship, even in triad form, to exist, even though all combinations are connecting at different levels. In fact, I think all people connect at different levels, so to expect equality may be unreasonable.

I'd say just accept where it is today and look for opportunities to grow the bond deeper when they appear. It may be that she's sensing the same thing (discomfort when all three are together) and is trying to avoid it.

Now that being said, the interaction, decision-making, discussions, etc., that seem to leave you on the sidelines, that's something that takes time to change. And everyone has to want it to change, and so be able to discuss it openly but gently. You say they have been together for 10 yrs. In that length of time, you get set into certain styles and routines that you usually aren't even aware of. Now, everyone just has to realize that old format has changed, and all need to be open and ready to modify some of the old patterns. It may not be unwillingness, as much as it is an awareness of the importance. Like you said yourself, they seem to fall back into old, pre-established patterns. Sometimes just a gentle "Woo hoo - I'm here too!" is enough to get the point across.

It needs to be addressed, but not harped on, if that makes sense. If you don't see any honest effort and improvement after a few months you may have to evaluate the sustainability of these particular individuals, or just let it drift into a V.

Try to be patient. Old habits die hard, they say.
 
@Grounded- Thanks.

The thing is, Carrie and I connect perfectly; Grant and I connect perfectly. They are under the impression that everything connects perfectly.

At one time, it seemed that way, but since we have spent more time together as a triad over the last month than we have the entire five, it has become much clearer to me. In my case, yes, we do have to eventually have somewhat equal relationships, because we are not interested in developing a V relationship. We want an all-inclusive relationship, and we want to expand it to include a couple of other long-term, committed, in-house people as time goes on.

I understand the discussion and decision-making process in general takes time, when it comes to other things like their decision to work on having a baby, or the refinancing of the house, but that does not (or should not apply) to things that directly affect my activity and/or role in the relationship. That is more of a polygamous attribute, and I've done my time in that relationship style.

I'm very patient, but I am also very observant, and have been seeing something since day one that has yet to show any sign of changing, which will eventually become an issue in the relationship. I'd rather let it be known now, so that I can either stop being so considerate of all of their desires, and start fulfilling my own through other avenues, or they can make a more conscious effort to work on it.

I operate in an all-inclusive way. That's all I'm asking them to do, so we will see how they view it.

Thanks again.
 
eklctc said:
I have been seeing something since day one that has yet to show any sign of changing, which will eventually become an issue in the relationship. I'd rather let it be known now, so that I can either stop being so considerate of all of their desires, and start fulfilling my own through other avenues, or they can make a more conscious effort to work on it. I operate in an all-inclusive way. That's all I'm asking them to do, so we will see how they view it.
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It seems like you might have answered your own question here, no?

As to telling their parents, it sounds like it isn't really related, unless you really think that if this doesn't work out soon that you won't be sticking around for long?

It sounds infuriating to me. I am definitely not cut out for such a relationship. I need equality and open communication that is respectful and honors everyone's needs and desires for the future.
 
eklctc said:
@Pancake- Thanks. I, too, cannot spend the time I want with them, yet we originally agreed that this relationship would be the only emotionally-connected relationship we would allow ourselves to have, since we are an open polyamorous partnership. With that being the case, I need to be emotionally satisfied, which is not the case now, as it had been at a point. I am patient, but nothing can get addressed and no one can have what they desire if we don't share our thoughts, right?
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True, true. I share thoughts. There's just little I can do to influence our situation until we move. Where we live, we can't be together in public. This place is way too small and judgmental. We've been talking about taking a little road trip away so we can act "normal" for a few hours outside of my house.

I really hope you find a solution. I've been reading everything and it sounds like great advice. Not being emotionally fulfilled in this situation is frustrating, I know. I felt like I needed Xanax all freakin' day because I'm stressed out about mine!
 
Okay, Eklctc. So now...

eklctc said:
@GroundedSpirit-- Thanks. She and I connect perfectly; he and I connect perfectly. They are under the impression that everything connects perfectly.
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Sounds good. But in your first post you led us to believe Carrie was somewhat ignoring you, or at least seemingly putting you in a lower priority position (the messages and emails you mentioned). So would you say that is behavior that indicates "perfect connection"? Or does this situation require a step back and another look? How do you define connection?

eklctc said:
At one time, it seemed that way, but since we have spent more time together as a triad over the last month than we have the entire five, it has become much clearer to me.
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Isn't this typical of any new relationship? Everyone on their best behavior, masks solidly in place... Eventually all that wears off. Then you get to figure out how to best deal with the day-to-day reality, right?


eklctc said:
We do have to eventually have somewhat equal relationships, because we are not interested in developing a 'v' relationship. We want an all-inclusive relationship, and we want to expand it to include a couple of other long-term, committed, in-house people as time goes on.
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Um... Something about that word equal makes the hair stand up on my neck. It's a word all too commonly used in power dynamics. Nothing is ever equal unless it gives up its individuality. Instead, what many of us strive for is balance. And in balance there is a give and take. Some sacrifice is involved, just the right amount, not too much.
 
eklctc said:
Being a 'triad' is not the focus...the focus is being connected when we are all together.
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eklctc said:
In my case, yes, we Do have to eventually have somewhat equal relationships because we are not interested in developing a 'v' relationship.
Click to expand...

Which one is it? Are you or aren't you "trying for a triad". Yes, you do say you want to expand to include other people at some point, but what about NOW? You say one thing, then you backpedal and say something else.

It sounds like you either don't know what you want, or you want something that is very pre-scriptive and idealistic.

I'll probably get slammed for "judgment and conjecture" as usual, but all I'm doing is pointing out inconsistencies in what the OP wrote and asking for an explanation.
 
@redpepper- Thanks. My decision as far as handling the situation was already made prior to posting. It's just good to get feedback from like-minded people. Their parents already know, and we have already seen and greeted each other, but this was going to be my official introduction as a part of the family, as I interacted with my partners and the parents together during an annual family gathering they have.

@pancake- It can be nerve-wrecking when it is on your mind all day, huh? Of course we know, communication is key in all relationships, clear and concise, and my partners and I are all good at communicating. so they anxiously await my return home so that we can have our discussion.

@Grounded- I think I mentioned that Carrie is short on time. Between working two jobs, all of her city council meetings, political online monitoring, etc., I don't always get the timely feedback I would like. Understand, the connection was already developed between her and me. These incidents have happened this month. I think you are referring to correspondence connection, and I am talking about foundation of the relationship connection.

I'm sorry, but I don't play games in relationships. Therefore, I don't put my 'representative' forward. That is one thing that really irritates me with the society we live in-- people accept wearing masks as the norm, and make no big deal about it. To me, it shows signs of maturity when you are comfortable enough with yourself to be forthcoming and genuine from the beginning, allowing yourself (flawed, damaged, and sometimes wrong) to come to the party. So, no, that is not how it is, at least not in the relationships I involve myself in. And I don't view my partners as those sort of people, since I learned and experienced plenty of not-so-appealing, verbally or visually, early on. None of us are afraid to be who we are.

That is actually the word I meant to use, GroundedSpirit, balance. Thanks for the correction. I'm the sacrificial lamb in this relationship. I have always been the bender, the more flexible, the one who can go more with the flow than others, as I observe and define my tolerances in a relationship.

Thanks for all of your feedback.

@Neon- Thanks. No, you’re absolutely right. I can see how my statements seem inconsistent. My first statement about "the focus not being a triad" was solely in response to your post about "focusing on the individuals versus the triad relationship." I was indicating that the focus/point of my posting wasn’t about the triad. As stated, the focus was on being/feeling connected/included when we are all together, at this point, which is the same connectivity I have/would expect in the presence of other close parties in my life. I’m all about connectivity/energy lines, and I feel things which my partners have experienced a couple of times since we have been together.

Sidenote: it would be idealistic to believe that we, as humans, are consistent, especially in thoughts and emotions.
 
eklctc said:
I'm the sacrificial lamb in this relationship. I have always been the bender, the more flexible, the one who can go more with the flow than others...as I observe and define my tolerances in a relationship.
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Um, that sucks. I'm sorry you feel that way. Let's hope there's at least some mis-perception in there.

This seems to be one of the difficult bridges to cross as a third entering an existing pair. Too often the pair seems locked into a certain paired flow and they believe the third, as a free and independent person, has nothing else going on in their life/heart but to sit back and wait for the call, or the hug.

I wish all threeway relationships would start with something like this.

Pair: We want you to be as much a part of our life as possible, but we need you to share with us what you need too! We can't promise to always provide, but we'll try. It's new to us, but we believe in it, and are committed to making changes that need to be made to fit a different model.
Your happiness matters to us.

New Third: I know you guys have a life, history, patterns that work for a pair. I want to be as much a part of that as possible. I know it will take time, but I need to know you believe me in this, and I need to feel we're making forward progress. I don't want to feel parked on the sideline. And I want to help make your life easier and better. Your happiness matters to me.

You seem to have a good handle on this, if maybe you are a little disillusioned right now. But we know all too well that not everyone who wants an expanded relationship is willing to put forth the effort required. With all the other pressures of modern life, sometimes it just seems too much. So you try to wing it for awhile, hope to get something for nothing, or for some majik to happen. You seem prepared to call a spade a spade, if it comes to that. I hope for you (and them) it doesn't come to that. The early phases are the most work. After a while, it does smooth out somewhat, if you can get over that hump.
 
I can relate to a lot of this. He and I have a great connection, but she and I don't connect on a deep level, just a surface one. I've been trying to get them to be better about making plans further ahead, so I'm not waiting and waiting and then stuck with no plans if they don't want to hang out. Coming into an established relationship is challenging. It's easy to make assumptions. I have a hard time expressing what I want, so I've had to work on that a lot. I'm starting to understand why a triad is so difficult to form.
 
@GS- Thanks. I liked your post. The funny thing is, all of these things have been voiced, so I am just going to reiterate to them again, because I truly do just want to make sure we all have the same expectations of the relationship at this point, and we are all still vested in the relationship. I don't believe I am disillusioned, since this is not my first go 'round. I just believe my partners and I have a very different approach to these things, which is fine, but we need to brush up on the lines of communication in all directions. I understand that sacrifice is necessary, and I am the one sacrificing the most, since I am the single keeping myself available to them, and keeping my emotions secured for them, so...

We have touched base. They are eager to have the conversation when I get back in town on Saturday. I'll post an update.

Thanks again.
 
@ray- thanks for stopping by. Yeah, I think all relationships can be difficult to form, even more so when the lines of communication cannot be clearly established and maintained. I know that my couple so easily fall back into the "dual." I mean, they have been at it for ten years, so I do see that; however, I also see that this is something they researched, talked about, and consulted with their poly friends on, throughout the decision to actually enter into it, because they are like that. However, I've voiced it the couple of times it has overshadowed the three-partner relationship, as they requested. I just wonder how much of that I can tolerate, and how much of me calling it out can they tolerate.

What's funny is, this was never an issue in my previous experiences. I never struggled with finding a comfortable place in the relationship and being included. So I am grateful for the opportunity to experience a different component, since it provides me with knowledge for the future.

I hope this experience helps you express your needs and desires clearly and openly. :)
 
Update

I managed to have my discussion with my partners and a very interesting and vital revelation has come of it. While Grant understood and agreed with me on my viewpoints, and acknowledged they were things he needed to work on, Carrie told me that she was not as physically attracted to me as, she believes, I am to her. She said she could probably take or leave our relationship, because her focus is on personal goals (which is understandable). She basically stated that she would be interested in continuing to hang out with me and being friends, but she does not desire the sexual aspect of the relationship.

I'm glad that information came out. However, I was upset to find out that (1) both of them had kept this knowledge hidden from me, (2) Carrie had basically subjected herself to interactions that she really didn't want with me, and (3) we really are not working towards what was originally discussed, and I'm the last one to find out.

Pretty much all of the concerns I originally had are null and void. Without Carrie's participation in building an all-inclusive poly triad; me not being included in their conversations; me not feeling a part of a three-party relationship when we are all together; and me feeling that Carrie was not putting much effort into communication with me and building our relationship, all revolve around a different type of relationship than what we, ultimately, were planning on, and that was really the entire point of the conversation to begin with.

So, we've been somewhat pondering where we want to go from here. As I have stated on the board and to my partners, a V-shape relationship was not my goal, but that is where I am finding myself, and in a secondary position, to boot. I don't know where I sit with that right now, since I'm less than 30 minutes out of their presence. The original arrangement was that we would all only emotionally connect with each other. For me, that connection consisted of an all-inclusive companion/intimate relationship. With that no longer being the case, I know that I will not be emotionally fulfilled with just the connection between Grant and me.

We spoke of our original desire to have a live-in relationship in the future.

They are working on having a baby.

I'm now pondering my future, as the time for these things draws near. I am concerned about how it will look; if they are still in the plans; what our roles will be; etc.

I don't even want to think about it anymore. I'm going to bed.
 
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