Not getting my needs met

I am in two LDR, and I am currently visiting Lion for the weekend and its going a little rough (an not in the fun way). Hes been going through a breakup for the past couple weeks, and as a result a big part of our relationship has become about trying to support him through this.
However, I guess in my naiveté I assumed my weekend with him would maybe change it. So that it wasn't all about him and her, but about he and i. im just feeling so pushed aside, and unwanted, and insignificant. Ive been really missing physical attention and was promised it, and haven't really received it. Im with someone I care so deeply for, but I feel alone. We are open, and I know hes slept with other people since the last time I saw him,, and since his breakup and im not feeling any reinforcement in our relationship, and its making me feel so insecure. Like its something about me. We dont get a lot of time together and it feels like its slipping through my fingers, and feels like I shouldn't have even come. I kind of just feel myself spiraling down into a deeper sadness, and its just really shitty.
 
Sending a huge amount of support. The situation is hard for both of you. I hope you are able to turn it around. Anything you can do to self-care?
 
Would he hold you while you masturbated? That’s a middle ground that has worked well for me. And if any more is posisble (kisses, stroking) you might get it.
 
Possibly. For me right now, its this feeling that I really only have one more day with him, and we haven't done anything expect for when I first got here. And it just is making me feel unattractive, and not wanting to get naked. Im just taking it all very personally, and I dont know how to talk to him about it, without sounding like an asshole. I was going to try to be flirty when he wakes up, and try not ignite something- hopefully he will feel more intimate in the morning.
 
I need physical intimacy. It’s my main love language. It tells me you care and it tells me I’m important. I see me partners once a month and it is usually something addressed fairly quickly- with both partners. But it’s not there with lion right now.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

I think your expectations might not be realistic. If he just broke up around April 20 with a long time GF and it is only May 5? It's only been like 2 weeks. Expecting him to be over a long time partner in such a short time might not be reasonable.

But if this is overshadowing your OWN relationship with him?

I suggest you speak plain. Could let go of wanting to share sex or whatever other physical intimacy on this visit. In favor of sorting things out so future LDR and future in person visits can go better.

Maybe something like....

"Lion, I need to talk to you. I don't want to come across like an asshole, so I'm going to try to be plain spoken without getting jerk-ish about it.

It is our last day before I leave. We don't get a lot of time together in person. We haven't really done anything together since I first got here.

I know you are going through a break up and it is tough. I know it will take time to get over it. I'm not rushing you.

At the same time, that's not your only relationship. I am one too. Our relationship for the last (X weeks) has become all about this break up. The conversations are often (you + ex). I don't know when you + me is supposed to happen.

I'm ok with things being a little quieter since you are grieving. I am not ok being ignored. I feel pushed aside, unwanted, and insignificant. I care for you deeply -- yet I feel all alone here. It's like your body is here but you are off in some other place, not really PRESENT.

I'd like to talk this out today so that the next visit can go better. What can I expect from our relationship while you are healing? So I know what's going on with you and can adjust my expectations to something realistic during this mourning time?

Could you be willing to talk to me about that?

Or do you need something light today like going to a movie and we will talk about this problem another time? (<--He can choose a date, but pick a FIRM appointment date. SOMETHING. Not avoiding this conversation forever.) "​

You are going to have to communicate about how his grieving is having a "ripple effect" over on to the (you + him) relationship so you both can weather this out better.

I know in your other post you wanted to be there for him but perhaps you are finding it takes a toll on you because you are IN the poly network.

Perhaps it is better for him to process his grief with other friends who are not in the system, but OUTSIDE it. Then he can air out over there, so his time with you over here can be more about (you + him) rather than processing (him + her) stuff. Esp if time together in person is once a month at best. If he comes to you wanting to process more stuff, and you are full? You are going to have to tell him NO and encourage him to talk to people outside the system.

Because hearing so much of this stuff while NOT getting any (him + you) time is basically wearing you out, and you are starting to downward spiral.

Galagirl
 
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Thank you so much Galagirl. That was really helpful. And you’re right that it’s ridiculous to think he will be over the break up so soon, I wasn’t thinking that, it was more that I thought when he saw me it would re focus him on “is” for a few days. I just cherish our time together and right now it doesn’t feel like our time.
 
I need physical intimacy.
Please clarify.

Despite the trendiness of "love language" claims, the terms employed often obscure much more than they explain. Both "physical" & "intimacy" cover a lot of turf. Do you mean "holding hands while strolling in the park"? or "talking in bed"? or "having a quiet dinner at a nice restaurant, just the two of us"? or "fucking energetically for at least three hours with multiple screaming orgasms"?
 
So for me it varies. Lately because I rarely see both of my partners physical intimacy to me is sexual intimacy. It helps reaffirm my importance to them, especially since we are open. However, light skin petting is also a form of physical intimacy that I respond well to. At this moment since lion and I seem a bit distant I am craving sexual physical intimacy as a method to express ourselves.
 
Hi Bird,

It sounds to me like it is time for you to tell Lion that you need more you + him time. That you need him to be present for you, especially when you're visiting him in person. That you are especially missing the sexual intimacy. That you are worried that his breakup is pushing him away from you. However, you might want to add that you can understand that it's only been a few weeks since the initial breakup. That is if you can say that and truly mean it. It's a shame that this visit is being used up by the breakup, but maybe by the time the next visit rolls around, he'll be doing better.

I'm assuming that he's not breaking up with you. If he's not, then he still has a relationship with you, and he is still responsible for his part in it. You shouldn't have to beg for his attention. On the other hand, maybe he doesn't realize that you feel neglected. If you've been trying so hard to accomodate him that you're hiding your own misgivings from him, and he's been flooded with breakup emotions, maybe he just doesn't realize that this is taking a toll on you. It might be time to admit to him that it is.

That's a very difficult situation that you're in. I'm very sorry that this visit is not going the way you were hoping it would. I'm sure you were looking forward to it, and now you just feel crushed. Knowing that seeing you in person wasn't enough to get him to snap out of it. And knowing that it will be a long time before you can see him again.

Hang in there.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I wanna say thank you to everyone. Lion and I had some good talks and decided on some compromises to get through this together. There were some tears and I think it's all going to work out. This is just such a new territory for both of us, that fucking up a little is a bit inevitable. I took some pointers from this thread to hep get my point across. Ill be seeing Lion again mid-June, and I hope he is in a better head-space, because its so hard to see him in such sadness.

Thanks for the support everyone, means a lot :)
 
Glad you were able to talk, and figure out a plan to get through to the next visit in June.

Maybe taking it in "installments" like that will help weather it out better?

Galagirl
 
Yea, that is something we have talked about. We also brought up me finding a local Dom to help me meet my needs while his emotional resources are so low.
 
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