Not new but don't post much

[cuteasabutton]

I posted back in January. So I'll refresh. I am mono, dh is poly. I am still not comfortable with it. I have trust issues since the last girl dh was with. Dh no longer with A. Things just felt like they were getting back to normal when dh says some girl is flirting w him at work... This does not make me happy, the next day he is sitting in the parking lot at work talking to her. I have so many issues w this relationship and am not sure where to even start. I don't think it's appropriate for him as a grown 33 year old man to flirt with a 20 year old college girl. How will she really be able to fathom this kind of relationship! To me she's still a child who doesn't know what she wants. What kind of relationship can they have? He went behind my back to add her on Facebook, so he could talk to her and get closer to her. I have expressed that I don't like it, I may be being selfish, but I'm not ready for all the stress and drama another relationship will bring. He says he wants to take this slow and just hang out with her and get to know her before they jump in to a relationship. They have texted every day almost all day for a week. Doesn't seem slow to me... This annoys me because that's what he did with the other girl, doesn't feel different... I don't think I can handle him in another relationship but he just tells me I need to choose. Deal with him getting closer to her or leave the marriage. Tough choices when I'm always the one to compromise.
He knows he made several mistakes with A, as far as crossing the boundaries he asked me to set, so I could get comfortable with it.. So I refuse to let that happen again. Don't know what to do! I have talked to her briefly about my fears and she also said she doesn't want to jump into a relationship and wants to get to know him outside of work, where they met. How do I trust him to not cross boundaries and be OK with him hanging out with another girl....

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings cuteasabutton,
Welcome (officially!) to our forum.

Sorry poly (via DH) is still giving you grief. I don't think you can read DH's mind or predict the future so you will have to figure out how much crap you can take from him before you sue for a divorce. So far he's shown that he can't be trusted to keep his word. In poly, honesty is very important. Honesty with others; honesty with self.

You can only trust him if his actions line up with that trust. If you want you can give him a second chance and see how it goes this time. You could even give him a third chance (and a fourth, and a fifth, etc.). I guess if it were me I'd divorce him after the second chance, if he continues to violate the terms he himself promised to abide by.

Good luck and I hope we can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you continue to struggle.

He sounds inconsiderate. And he is right. If he continues to break agreements and continues to go at it in a way you dislike you do need to decide: Is my relationship with my husband healthy or unhealthy for me like this? Am I in poly hell?

You guys could read that together and agree on how to handle those situations. But if he continues to lack follow through on agreements... You can withdraw your willingness to participate in a polyship as the monoamorous spouse sharing a polyamorous hinge. Just no longer willing because not able like this. His actions do not match his words.

You could aspire to thrive in your relationships not merely survive them.

I know emotionally it could be hard to feel right now.

The evaluation of behavior done /not done is pretty straight up to me though. To me? Trust is built and retained via consistent considerate, caring behavior. When he breaks agreements do you feel considered and cared for?

Mistakes happen, but how many mistakes are realistic and can you live with? What is your limit of tolerance? Three strikes? Ten? Surely not 100! Figure out the number and let him know where your tolerance lies. Then sit back and count. His behavior will show if he is trustworthy or not.

Then you can answer if this is a healthy dynamic for you or not.

I do not see how he will tend two partners well when he isn't tending one well.

What is your desired outcome? Are you already at limit?

Galagirl