Not new to poly, only this page, need some thoughts!

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PeacockRoseNZ

New member
Hi all, Ill introduce myself properly soon. I am a 13 year long veteran of polyamorous relating and am currently in a nesting style relationship with my partner. I also see two other males and two other females

One of the females is a long time mum friend of mine. We have been connected for about 5 years and 'dating' for about 3. There have been many shifts in the relationship as she has uncovered bisexuality and left a toxic marriage and embraced relationship anarchy.
She started gently dating my nesting partner (him and I have been together for 2.5 years) and they dated for about 2 months. So quick.
She told me she wanted to end things with him. This did not bother me. It is up to her who she connects with and I support my partners in their choices.
She had said she was going to meet up with him to discuss it in person. She has said recently that she doesn't like talking via messenger anymore and much prefers face to face. Hey, all good. We all have our preferences.
Except two days later? She sent him a txt message and broke up with him that way.

Now... I am trying really hard not to hold this against her but I feel like my trust has been broken multiple times now. Other situations involve her agreeing to meet a particular need and then completely forgetting. Apologizing then doing it again a few months later.
She hates that we have a 'cycle' where we have a conflict and we have to sit down and sort it out but forgets that the reason we have the conflict is directly related to the need that I had expressed to her that she said she could meet.

Ive lost respect for her with this as well. And now im not sure what to do.

I have been thinking over the last few months that maybe? We are just ready to move away from one another. Perhaps its just time to go our separate ways as partners... I guess im just scared for our kids because they are close friends and Id like for that to continue but.. I guess I cant know until i talk to HER about that...
 
Let me repeat back what I understand in my own words.
  • You have this partner of 3 years.
  • You no longer trust or respect her because she keeps saying she's gonna do something, and then doesn't. This is chronic behavior that appears in various ways.
  • You've been thinking lately that it's time to break up because you are tired of this "conflict circle thing" and the lack of follow thru.
  • You hope you can manage as exes so the kids can still stay friends... but you are pretty much done dating her.
Is that it? If so, then yeah. You sound pretty much done here.

And you really don't have to put energy into the kids being friends and arranging playdates and all that if it means dealing with an ex you don't trust or respect. Why put you or the kids through that? Depending on the ages of the kids? IME, they forget about their early childhood friends and move on to the middle school and then later the high school friends. They don't all make the transitions to the new schools. Just like with romantic partners, some friendships aren't life long -- they are for a season only.

If even as a friend, the "conflict circles" are going to continue? She keeps saying she will do stuff and then doesn't? And that bothers you? It might be ok to be "just polite exes" like if you run into each other on the street. Rather trying to be "good exes and friends" who still try to hang out.

Galagirl
 
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Hello PeacockRoseNZ,

It sounds like your longtime mum friend is a rather forgetful person, like she doesn't even remember her own preferences. Am I right in saying, that you want to break up with her, but you are staying with her for the sake of the kids? If so, then you are truly caught between a rock and a hard place. The only thing I can suggest is, to ask her if it would be possible to, well, let's say be friends, and still get together sometimes with the kids, even if you don't keep dating each other. Then the ball is in her court, but she at that point knows that you want to break up, but that you do not want to separate the kids. And maybe that reminds her that the kids should come first.

Difficult situation. I don't envy you.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Not all relationships are meant for the long haul, some relationships are best when the right time is found to call it quits. Just because you are at a bad point doesn't mean the whole relationship or person is bad. It can just mean that it is time for change; to return to just being friends. If good friendships can escalate to lovers, maybe they can deescalate back to good friends when the situation is no longer making everyone happy. I think our mononormative culture convinces us that we have to wait until there is a breaking point ( to break up), when we could look at it more like having taken a wrong turn and just making a correction to your course to get back on the best path forward.

You can either continue to do the conflict cycle or you can just stop the cycle with a change and hope for the best. Express your hopes for what that might look like - staying friends because you know that is a positive thing you all had before and because you want the kids to keep being in each other's lives.
 
I really appreciate the time you all tool to respond ☺️ thank you.
You're all correct in what you say and I'm going to take the bits that I connect with and use them to build my response to my partner.
 
Frankie said:
I think our mononormative culture convinces us that we have to wait until there is a breaking point ( to break up), when we could look at it more like having taken a wrong turn and just making a correction to your course to get back on the best path forward.
Click to expand...

This is excellent advice.

Be aware of the trap of assuming that relationships are Up or Down, when the reality is that there can be a huge and beautiful gradient available. Maybe sex is off of the table, but cohabitating is on, or cohabitating but only if everyone has their own room, or living completely separate but spending lots of quality friend time together. The trick is to find the mutual and natural overlap, and design (redesign) your relationship to exist in that space.

It requires that everyone involved be capable of pretty high level adulting, but the possible results can be worth the effort.
 
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