not poly-related...but i need help :,(

P

polypie

New member
First off, if this isn't allowed, please just say so and I'll take it down...I'm just desperate..

My husband of 5 years seems to always turn arguments around on me and I don't know what to do.. Today I caught him being sneaky. He immediately made an excuse for it and smiled and attempted to give me "knuckles"...but I was hurt and turned my back to feed the small children.. He insisted that I turn around and not "upset him"... So I took a deep breathe and decided that maybe he was being honest and it was an accident and only APPEARED sneaky...to pick and choose my battles.... So I said I didn't wanna give "knuckles"...but he pushed my hug and kept insisting.with his body language. I told him, "I'm your wife, I'm not your friend, give me comfort of a hug"... I didn't mean I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND but he immediately beyond out onto a sweat and angrily left the kitchen and lated on the phone CLEARLY MAD. "I'm not your friend?!! You know how much that hurts when I JUST told you I'm working on being a better best friend to you??!!" I tried my best to explain I didn't mean that...but he just started googling if couples ought to be friends...he's now giving me the silent treatment... (what he always does when he's mad)...

I think it all stems from some jealousy I felt towards a girl we started seeing...I told him Iup needed time and I think he's mad so he's acting off... I'm just do lonely right now... I have kidney failure and I'm super sick...I just want his comfort and love, but he's on a level different than mine...he's wanting playful attention that I can't give him... I don't know what to do guys...he was honestly in the wrong here and he turned it all on me...this is what he always does...I sooner not confront him with my feelings than deal with this because nothing comes of it..I'm still sad he's hiding things from me..and now he's just not talking to me either.

While he was googling if couples ought to be friends I pointed out how he did something truly effed up and wants to laugh it up...but when I mess up my words he's not going to talk to or make eye contact with me...he told me if he lied to me he learned it from me!!!!! (more manipulation)... In a little while he'll come hug me and we'll both pretend like nothings happened :/ I'm still hurt. What do I do?
 
A lot of that sounds really manipulative and unhealthy. It'd be hard to give a ton of advice without understanding a lot more of the specifics, but have either of you ever considered individual or relationship counseling to work on the interpersonal dynamics?
 
Given that you have kidney failure and are facing a health crisis? I think you could benefit from extra support. Put your health first -- including mental and emotional health. See about patient support so your illness doesn't become your life even though it's a big thing in it right now. Both of you -- not just him -- need moments of "light and fun." Could counseling help you?

The rest of your post sounds like "push-pull" cycle to me. Is that the norm in your dynamic together or just since the stress of the illness? It doesn't sound healthy. :(

Galagirl
 
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You can't pretend nothing happened, cause something clearly did happen. I would, once everyone is calmed down, maybe the next day talk calmly about how you do not like the way he has been acting and treating you. Let him know that this stress on your relationship is not good for your health, and you really need his support right now.
 
Stop the bus.

You are having a medical crisis. The rest needs to be a full-stop.
What exactly is it that he doesn't understand about putting his preferences and desires on the back burning while dealing with and supporting you in your medical crisis?!?!?!?!
 
LovingRadiance said:
Stop the bus.

You are having a medical crisis. The rest needs to be a full-stop.
What exactly is it that he doesn't understand about putting his preferences and desires on the back burning while dealing with and supporting you in your medical crisis?!?!?!?!
Click to expand...

What LR said. When my husband was sick - everything else stopped. Everything.

Medical needs COME FIRST.

End of story.
 
polypie said:
My husband of 5 years seems to always turn arguments around on me and I don't know what to do.. ... I don't know what to do guys...he was honestly in the wrong here and he turned it all on me...this is what he always does...I sooner not confront him with my feelings than deal with this because nothing comes of it..
Click to expand...

So you and your partner have been having a fundamental lack of ability to constructively communicate with one another?

I'm sorry you are sick and there is a new girlfriend in the mix... but is it possible that if this fundamental difference in your ability to relate to each other might be the real issue? Not to mention that this track record of poor connection has been progressing for 5 years?

polypie said:
Today I caught him being sneaky.
Click to expand...

No idea what this means.

The rest of this post would seem to illustrate that you two are not functioning on the same level, in any way. I don't mean to paint your partner as the bad guy either, I mean to say that NEITHER of you would seem to be able to communicate with each other in anything approaching communication.

Just to clarify, are you guys still together because there are kids involved?
 
IME, arguments can always be turned around ... such as by changing the subject, or by introducing a red herring into the debate. But "winning the argument" isn't going to get either of you what you want anyway. If the two of you aren't playing on the same team, then your relationship will get weak and sick.

Look for an opportunity to express your feelings calmly and without accusation -- at a time when he's calm too and in a listening mood. Invite him to share his feelings as well. Avoid judging what he says. Set the example if he won't set the example. Tell him you need his help in solving the problem, whatever the problem is.

Can I ask what he was being sneaky about and how? Knowing that could give me some specific ideas of what you could say to him.

Sorry you are going through these bad times.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
polypie said:
First off, if this isn't allowed, please just say so and I'll take it down...I'm just desperate..

My husband of 5 years seems to always turn arguments around on me and I don't know what to do.. Today I caught him being sneaky. He immediately made an excuse for it and smiled and attempted to give me "knuckles"...but I was hurt and turned my back to feed the small children.. He insisted that I turn around and not "upset him"... So I took a deep breathe and decided that maybe he was being honest and it was an accident and only APPEARED sneaky...to pick and choose my battles.... So I said I didn't wanna give "knuckles"...but he pushed my hug and kept insisting.with his body language. I told him, "I'm your wife, I'm not your friend, give me comfort of a hug"... I didn't mean I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND but he immediately beyond out onto a sweat and angrily left the kitchen and lated on the phone CLEARLY MAD. "I'm not your friend?!! You know how much that hurts when I JUST told you I'm working on being a better best friend to you??!!" I tried my best to explain I didn't mean that...but he just started googling if couples ought to be friends...he's now giving me the silent treatment... (what he always does when he's mad)...

I think it all stems from some jealousy I felt towards a girl we started seeing...I told him Iup needed time and I think he's mad so he's acting off... I'm just do lonely right now... I have kidney failure and I'm super sick...I just want his comfort and love, but he's on a level different than mine...he's wanting playful attention that I can't give him... I don't know what to do guys...he was honestly in the wrong here and he turned it all on me...this is what he always does...I sooner not confront him with my feelings than deal with this because nothing comes of it..I'm still sad he's hiding things from me..and now he's just not talking to me either.

While he was googling if couples ought to be friends I pointed out how he did something truly effed up and wants to laugh it up...but when I mess up my words he's not going to talk to or make eye contact with me...he told me if he lied to me he learned it from me!!!!! (more manipulation)... In a little while he'll come hug me and we'll both pretend like nothings happened :/ I'm still hurt. What do I do?
Click to expand...

I completely get what you are going through. I'm dealing with some familiar behaviors from my husband. These two articles are great and should be read as about "you" not him:

http://www.collective-evolution.com/2013/10/16/15-things-we-need-to-stop-doing/

and

http://themindunleashed.org/2014/06/decompressing-emotions-radical-acceptance.html
 
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