Not So Newbie: And A Much Anticipated Hello

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DazedAndDapper

New member
First and foremost, I don't know what took me so long to join this forum, reading through the threads and comments the expressive and in tune with ones feelings etc that resonates is awesome in all aspects.

While I understand my situation is one that's happened to many here it's always appreciated to hear your feedback and suggestions, my wife and I have known each other since high school and are now in our late twenties, we have a beautiful son and she literally has my heart.

I myself have been in two successful and beautiful polyamorous relationships in the past and although short lived and the young age that they happened they've helped me tremendously in regards to love and emotional maturity a ton more than my monogamous relationships (hopefully that doesn't sound like I'm comparing merely stating the benefit I've encountered).

My wife is tons more conventional than I ever have been and I've tried over the 5 years that we've been together (more so reunited) I've expressed wanting to talk more about my love for poly, finally I recently had the opportunity to discuss with her some of my experience, what it brought to my life, and she even Realized that some of the qualities she loves about me stemmed from what I've learned and taken away from poly

I've been monogamous for our entire relationship and have asked if she would be open to it, she's begun reading blogs, articles and even books on it and much to my dismay her stance so far is that she's open to unattached threesomes but that the thought of me caring or even loving another isn't for her, she's asked that I be open to threesomes with someone I can walk away from the next day....while I understand her hesitations I also have those feelings about sharing such an act with someone I'm going to never speak to again. We went on a date with someone and it hit the fan at the end of the night. She was ok with making out with the woman and even us sharing kisses but once the woman asked to kiss me she refused and became angry.
She continuously reminds me that it's hard for her to believe in poly and there's been numerous occasions where she will ask for me to open up and share my feelings on being poly only to end the conversation with "this confirms why I can't believe in it" and states that my caring for another woman takes away from her and shares that she doesn't see what she gets out of this. Of course it leaves me with sentiments of hurt having opened up only to have it used against me.

I love her deeply and after all these years still stare at her admirably as she's my sweetheart.....

Happy to be part of this forum, even more so to share this discussion with all of you....if there are parts that any feel have been left out or portions that would better help someone understand this situation please feel free to ask, many thanks in advance for reading this
 
DazedandDapper, welcome to the forums!

Unfortunately, I am not sure there's a lot of advice to offer. Your wife is pretty clearly mono, with no interest in polyshipping. So, the choices left to you are:

-Remain in a mono relationship and let the poly idea go
-Leave the mono relationship in pursuit of a poly lifestyle

I get that both choices suck, but there's not a lot of middle ground. It doesn't sound likely she's going to ever embrace poly, and very much has the societal-norm attitude of "love is like a pie--you give away a piece, and there's less for me!" (I am not saying mono isn't as "good" as poly, etc., just that this is often the view of mono people, and it is very difficult for them to see it another way, just as it is for a poly person to see love as a finite resource).

Something that does strike me, though, is her using your emotions against you. This isn't okay, and definitely not healthy. It should be reasonable for you to express your feelings and emotions in your relationship in a safe and reasonable way, with active listening from your partner, even if you disagree on issues. As long as you are being respectful, and not acting in un-agreed-upon ways and sticking to your relationship agreements, your wife's use of your words against you is creating a space that is rife for problems. Not that lying is *ever* okay, but it is situations like this that do make it incredibly difficult for some people to be honest with their partners.

I'm guessing she feels very threatened. Have you two talked about how to share emotions, concepts, and ideas when each of you feel differently, and that it's okay for individuals to have different thoughts and feelings, and that those don't have to be threatening? When you talk about your poly inclinations, are you doing so reasonably, without trying to sway or convince her (if you're trying to do this at this point, stop, it's not helping)? Do you use "I" statements, and talk about your feelings, rather than "you" statements?

At this point, stop pursuing poly. And, really, stop pursuing any kind of NSA sex (because it's not genuinely what you want, and it doesn't sound like genuinely what she wants, and it's likely you'll both become resentful and possibly cross boundaries because of unrealistic "rules" regarding emotions). Let your wife know you're stopping, and give her some space to heal. It's a difficult thing to be told your partner wants something different than you signed on for, especially when that something is so very outside anything you have any interest in, and she's likely very afraid of losing you. Take time to figure out which choice you want to make, but don't pressure her. She's allowed to not want to polyship, and to not agree to a change of her relationship configuration. You are allowed to decide to leave. If you do so, do so kindly and with compassion.
 
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It doesn't look like you have any options other than stay monogamous, or leave the relationship to pursue your wants/needs. Do not get involved in NSA threesome's or seed. It will just bite you in the ass.
 
GreenAcres said:
DazedandDapper, welcome to the forums!

Unfortunately, I am not sure there's a lot of advice to offer. Your wife is pretty clearly mono, with no interest in polyshipping. So, the choices left to you are:

-Remain in a mono relationship and let the poly idea go
-Leave the mono relationship in pursuit of a poly lifestyle

I get that both choices suck, but there's not a lot of middle ground. It doesn't sound likely she's going to ever embrace poly, and very much has the societal-norm attitude of "love is like a pie--you give away a piece, and there's less for me!"
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Yes Its been a constant thought process for me, i think more than anything the fact that she's adamant on nsa threesomes kind of left things in my court but again nsa really hasn't worked from experience ok my behalf. It can be a bit difficult to see her want to engage with women on a sexual level knowing she's going to veto any emotional investment


GreenAcres said:
Something that does strike me, though, is her using your emotions against you. This isn't okay, and definitely not healthy. It should be reasonable for you to express your feelings and emotions in your relationship in a safe and reasonable way, with active listening from your partner, even if you disagree on issues. As long as you are being respectful, and not acting in un-agreed-upon ways and sticking to your relationship agreements, your wife's use of your words against you is creating a space that is rife for problems. Not that lying is *ever* okay, but it is situations like this that do make it incredibly difficult for some people to be honest with their partners.
I'm guessing she feels very threatened. Have you two talked about how to share emotions, concepts, and ideas when each of you feel differently, and that it's okay for individuals to have different thoughts and feelings, and that those don't have to be threatening? When you talk about your poly inclinations, are you doing so reasonably, without trying to sway or convince her (if you're trying to do this at this point, stop, it's not helping)? Do you use "I" statements, and talk about your feelings, rather than "you" statements?
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One good thing about me sharing this with her is that she's noticed a surge in happiness in me and the sharing and talking has grown astronomically, the negative impact is that me sharing has also left tbst thought in her head that this is something i personally love, speaking has systemically grown as in the beginning it was more so me opening discussions and her being super reserved about sharing any details, feelings, or discussionon several topics (not just poly) many precautions have been taken in the course of our discussions, as far as sharing details on poly it's been more so her reading and researching material and recently asking me about my previous poly relationships, she's brought up her cultural/moral dilemma being a huge factor

GreenAcres said:
At this point, stop pursuing poly. And, really, stop pursuing any kind of NSA sex (because it's not genuinely what you want, and it doesn't sound like genuinely what she wants, and it's likely you'll both become resentful and possibly cross boundaries because of unrealistic "rules" regarding emotions). Let your wife know you're stopping, and give her some space to heal. It's a difficult thing to be told your partner wants something different than you signed on for, especially when that something is so very outside anything you have any interest in, and she's likely very afraid of losing you. Take time to figure out which choice you want to make, but don't pressure her. She's allowed to not want to polyship, and to not agree to a change of her relationship configuration. You are allowed to decide to leave. If you do so, do so kindly and with compassion.
Click to expand...
I appreciate such a detailed and concise response, I will continue to navigate through this with the upmost respect as I really am poly and have had trouble with monogamy but don't want to destroy a relationship in the course of finding full happiness.
 
Dagferi said:
It doesn't look like you have any options other than stay monogamous, or leave the relationship to pursue your wants/needs. Do not get involved in NSA threesome's or seed. It will just bite you in the ass.
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What a tangled web i weave.....I fully understand that you're right, especially the nsa threesome idea because that's what she wants, while I know most men would jump at the chance of his wife wanting threesomes it's rather devastating being left with the ultimatum of having it her way or none at all.
 
DazedAndDapper said:
Yes Its been a constant thought process for me, i think more than anything the fact that she's adamant on nsa threesomes kind of left things in my court but again nsa really hasn't worked from experience ok my behalf. It can be a bit difficult to see her want to engage with women on a sexual level knowing she's going to veto any emotional investment
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Understand that it's not just "difficult" for you, it would be very unfair to any prospective partner unless they knew, up front, that your wife had veto power (which, frankly, will definitely limit it to primarily two kinds of people: women who are totally okay with one-night stands, which is fine except that it will be unfulfilling for you, or women who are likely new to poly and have no concept of how awful that can be. There are very, very limited numbers of experienced women who are totally okay with their relationships being subject to the whim of someone else except in the swinger scene, and it's incredibly difficult to find single bi-women who will engage with a couple because they are, frankly, few to begin with and they are in incredibly high demand so can be super picky). Your prospective partners are people, too, not just sex toys, even in an NSA situation, and your wife's reactions and veto power (even over something as simple as a kiss) are going to be hurtful to partners (not to mention mood killing, unfair, and anger-making: recipe for disaster!!!)

And, honestly, it also doesn't sound like your wife is even actually okay with NSA threesomes. If she was, she wouldn't have freaked out about a kiss. Can you imagine her reaction to anything else? She sounds like she might be okay making out with the woman herself and having some very limited sharing with you, and maybe having you watch them. Though, I suspect if she thought you looked too long at the other woman, etc, that would be a problem. Trust me, this is NOT a road you want to go down at this point.
 
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DazedAndDapper said:
What a tangled web i weave.....I fully understand that you're right, especially the nsa threesome idea because that's what she wants, while I know most men would jump at the chance of his wife wanting threesomes it's rather devastating being left with the ultimatum of having it her way or none at all.
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Did she know, going into your relationship, that you preferred poly? Did you agree to be mono?

If the answer to question A is no, and/or the answer to question B is yes, it's not an ultimatum of her way or none at all, and it's really combative to see it that way. You agreed to a certain relationship configuration at the outset. You could have not done that. You chose to participate in this structure. It is now you who want to change the agreement.

I am not saying that agreements can't change, or that you're a bad person. I am just saying that playing a martyr about it isn't going to help. You made choices knowing what they were, and what they meant. Expecting someone to suddenly rearrange their life because you regret those choices is likely a fairly bitter pill to swallow for your wife.
 
GreenAcres said:
Did she know, going into your relationship, that you preferred poly? Did you agree to be mono?.
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Going into the relationship I did express my love for poly and multiple partners to which she expressed joy more so for threesomes (sexually not emotionally) to which I asked we revisit the issue again. She's made out with women in front of me etc so the physical portion is far from an issue, seems to be more so like was mentioned before "I don't want to share a slice of my pie" as in a few conversations she's mentioned that "she should be enough" .....there's been times where she's begun to see it in a positive light but returns to her beliefs of one man one woman.

Honestly I truly appreciate your generous insight as the amount of poly people nearby are scarce at the moment and many many many people (I'm sure we've all been there) tend to turn their noses up to this choice of love.

Sincerest thanks 🙏
 
Hi DazedAndDapper,

It sounds like your wife is doing her homework to learn about poly and she just doesn't want to roll that way. When she's even reading books on the subject and still isn't changing her mind, I'd say she's a dyed-in-the-wool monogamist and not at all keen about you being poly.

She asks you what's in it for her if you start practicing poly. What's your answer to that question? You can't expect her to go along with you being poly if she doesn't get anything out of it.

I suppose you're thinking if you just knew the right words to say to her, she'd be convinced. But I don't know what those words would be; I just have no idea. I think there are some people who would never ever ever be happy with their partner practicing polyamory. I'm thinking your wife is probably one of those people.

I'll keep following this thread and if I think of any useful ideas, I'll let you know.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
It's amazing to see how insightful and helpful you guys have been

At the moment we are taking baby steps as the biggest hangup for my wife has been her jealousy on a emotional level because she has expressed being okay with our third person caring and loving for her it's more so the third person caring and loving for me where she had her hesitations.

She has since to befriended someone who is actively Poly and it's extremely helpful as she is getting outside insight and perspective seeing it from someone else's perspective and not just my own
 
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

Anything there that could help?

How do you feel about her having NSA threesomes without you being one of the three? What is it about the other person having feelings for you that wigs her out?

I am not saying for either of you pursue other relationships at this time. I'm saying you two could TALK these things out and figure out where these things are coming from so you better understand each other.

Galagirl
 
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Welcome,
Wow may I say that you spoke from my own mind it seems. I am in a very similar situation as you except that my partner/husband and I practiced swinging with couples and single females before we got legally married. I understand your wants and disappointments when you talk about your partner. I don't really have much experience but I encourage you to keep being patient with her. Maybe one day she'll come around,,.she seems somewhat willing to try something different. One thing I have learned is to not talk about it all the time as that may be more concerning to her.

I have been working on my own longer intro for the past couple weeks and have yet to post it on the forum ...ah so hard this life sometimes...and yet it is so exciting. All the best
 
After a long journey, am left dazed and confused.....

The end result has been that she has told me to date women but that she doesn't want to be part of it...we met (as mentioned before) a very nice and patient woman who has been super supportive.

They shared an intimate moment and right after my wife freaked out at the mention of feelings (the secondary expressing joy over all three of us) and we backtracked a bunch of steps which brings us back to where we were at day one....she's suggested another woman but personally I don't nor care to go through this emotional roller coaster with her at this point.

Man what a ride
 
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So, you're both breaking up with the secondary woman? That sucks. :(
 
kdt26417 said:
So, you're both breaking up with the secondary woman? That sucks. :(
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At the moment it's come as sort of a shock, I'm still friends with the secondary, for now just taking it a day at a time with my wife.....hearing her (my wife) being ok with chucking the person away at the end of things didn't really sit well with me. Not to mention they were both intimate without me.

I feel as though it's only right to treat the secondary with respect and care as well as my wife.

Lol roller coaster indeed
 
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