Not sure how to proceed

[flutebard]

Since my last post on here, my wife and I have talked more and she has said she is ultimately ok with me being poly. The only issue is that she doesn't want to know anything about it. She doesn't want me to talk to any one about it. Even with my friends who are poly, and she has a no friends no relationship policy.

So not sure how to proceed. I know communication is key, but she does not want communication. I also don't know how to tell anyone I meet that I'm poly and my wife is ok with it, but you can never meet her or talk to her. I also don't want to lead anyone on into thinking I'm able to have a relationship. I am just over one night stands.

We also hadn't really discussed details about what is acceptable or not, so I'm not sure if going out on dates is ok or if she's just ok with me sleeping with other people. I'm pretty sure bringing up this topic will cause a lot more arguing and who knows where it will lead. She told me that she wanted to cuddle up with one of our friends at a party we were at and play with her hair. I thought it was cute and encouraged her to do so next time, as I'm sure our friend would also think it was cute. She then goes on to tell me, she thought, that this friend friends found me attractive. So I tried to ask her how I should turn down that friend if she approached the subject of sex, because of our no friend policy, and my wife immediately assumed I wanted to have sex with her and that I was going to ask her if I could break that rule and have sex with her, before I could even finish my sentence.

In the end I don't think she's really ok with it and is just saying she is, because she feels she has to. I've thought about telling her I'm going out with someone, but in actuality just going and seeing a movie along. Just to see how she'd react, I also don't want to lie to her, but feel going on an actual date will really hurt her and I love her deeply.

 

[Norwegianpoly]

She probably really wants you to wait.

 

[breathemusic]

Maybe this is just me being cynical against any sort of Don't Ask Don't Tell (DADT) policy, but anyone who refuses to discuss it and doesn't want to know anything at all, probably isn't actually ok with it. She's basically saying that if she has to deal with you being poly, she wants to be able to live in denial. If she doesn't want the details, fine, but I'd expect future partners to on some level at least be able to know that she's ok with it and you're not cheating. And many would be uncomfortable with never being able to do things with you socially such that your friends might find out.

It sounds to me like there needs to be more discussion or this is eventually going to blow up or cause lots of resentment, etc.

 

[graviton]

She is setting you up for hurt and failure. Her unwillingness to talk or know about it is a ploy to set you up for failure. It will prevent you from truly connecting and eventually she will still find out when you inevitably slip. Then she will act righteous and angry. I wouldn't even think about poly until you are ready to leave her or she is ready to grow up.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi flutebard,

Re (from OP):

"She has a no friends no relationship policy."

I'm confused; what does this mean? that you can't be in a relationship with a friend? something else?

Re:

"The only issue is that she doesn't want to know anything about it."

Ah, DADT.

Re:

"She doesn't want me to talk to anyone about it. Even with my friends who are poly ..."

Well that's a little extreme.

Re:

"So not sure how to proceed. I know communication is key, but she does not want communication."

She has asked for DADT. So, I think you should honor her wishes. Engage in poly relationships if you want to, but don't tell your wife about them (unless she asks).

Communication is important and that's the reason I don't generally recommend DADT. But it works for some people.

Re:

"I also don't know how to tell anyone I meet that I'm poly and my wife is okay with it, but you can never meet her or talk to her."

Yeah that's another weakness that DADT has. I guess people will just have to take your word on it -- if they're willing to.

I suppose at first you just say, "Well, I am married, but I am nonmonogamous." Then if they say, "What about your wife?" you say, "She is okay with it." Then if they say, "Can I meet her?" you say, "No, my wife has asked me not to inform her about the people I see." [shrug] Still sounds really far-fetched, but what can you do?

Re:

"I also don't want to lead anyone on into thinking I'm able to have a relationship. I am just over one-night stands."

So, you can't have any relationships, you can only have one-night stands? Will there ever come a time when you can have relationships? Do you want that to happen?

Re:

"We also hadn't really discussed details about what is acceptable or not, so I'm not sure if going out on dates is okay or if she's just okay with me sleeping with other people."

It seems to me that you can discuss hypotheticals without breaching the DADT agreement. So, ask her of going out on dates is okay.

Re:

"In the end I don't think she's really okay with it and is just saying she is, because she feels she has to."

Well, you don't have ESP. If she says she's okay with something, it makes sense for you to trust what she says.

Re:

"I've thought about telling her I'm going out with someone, but in actuality just going and seeing a movie alone."

That might be a useful thing to try.

Those are my first thoughts anyway.
Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Savant]

Since my last post on here, my wife and I have talked more and she has said she is ultimately ok with me being poly. The only issue is that she doesn't want to know anything about it.

Honestly, from the sounds of it she's not ok with it at all. I think she may be 'biting the bullet' and accepting poly as a means to keep the marriage.

Basically she doesn't want to hear about it, and she doesn't want you to talk to anyone about it, since she likely sees it as 'cheating'. However, she's taking a "what I don't know can't hurt me" approach to this by saying she doesn't want to know about it or hear about it. If you were to talk to your friends about it, then your friends would ultimately talk to *HER* about it at some point. She doesn't want that, since she doesn't want to have a conversation about something she doesn't like, and doesn't really want to do herself.

I think you have it right in the end. "I don't think she's really ok with it and is just saying she is, because she feels she has to."

 

[GalaGirl]

In the end I don't think she's really ok with it and is just saying she is, because she feels she has to.

Have you asked her that?

And how confident are you that she would be honest in her answer?

Galagirl

 

[Becca]

Don't do it.

Tell your wife that DADT won't work, and you won't engage in other relationships unless/until she changes her mind. Tell her that the only people who might date you in a DADT scenario are people who would be willing to simply facilitate cheating (since they only have your word that you have a DADT agreement), and you don't want to be involved with that kind of person.

Of course, it's possible that there's someone out there who can read minds or detect lies, so it's not an absolutely correct presumption (that only cheaters will engage in DADT relationships), but it will help her see how central ethics are for you.

Maybe you don't want to make that move, but that's my advice.