I feel like we have made no progress in opening up. We have not had that discussion yet, still. The wife is reading a book I think may get her thinking about it. I do not know how to broach the subject. I very much want to to have others in my life. It is not just emotional relationships that I desire, but more and more I want other sexual experiences as well. And this is not because our current sex life is lacking, it has actually gotten better over the last year or so. I am scared she will not be open to any other arrangement, and I do not think that will remedy my feelings and wants/desires. Why does it have to be so hard? I envy you all that have made it through this initiation part, and it worked out.
Not there yet
- Thread starter trallart
- Start date
vinsanity0
Active member
I find it's best to just speak up. I had originally been the one to bring up opening the marriage. She shot that idea down. Later, she brought it up and we went from the there. It's not always easy.
The big question is would she be offended by you just thinking about it? If you think she would be, you probably have your answer.
The big question is would she be offended by you just thinking about it? If you think she would be, you probably have your answer.
So, how did you take it when it was shot down? Did you already have friends that you would engage more deeply with at the time had she agreed? Were those relationships nurtured differently than people you would not want to engage more deeply?
I think she has gotten past the shock that her husband is sexually attracted to other girls. Mind you, I did very much try to suppress these feelings for a long time. I am not so certain she is okay with me being emotionally attached to other girls, though some of my closest friends have been/are female. I want emotional connections just as much as sexual.
We had one talk a month or so ago and she almost seemed more open to swinger type activity than getting to know people before being intimate. I would do this, happily, but i do not think it would satisfy my emotional needs. Perhaps it could be used a gateway to closer relationships.
IndieSolo
Active member
Well, how could you possibly have "made progress" if there's been no discussion about it???
Hmm, and here you contradict yourself:
Maybe you aren't very clear in your communications about what you want?
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PinkPig
Well-known member
It always baffles me when people are shocked that their partner is attracted to other people. Asexuals/gray-sexuals aside, even the most mono people I know feel physical attractions to people other than their spouses.
vinsanity0
Active member
I was disappointed of course. No, I didn't have anyone waiting in the wings. This was more about satisfying a need that she wasn't interested in. I did have female friends I was close to, but they were her friends too. We just kept it platonic. Cat and I did separate twice during our 20 years together., but that wasn't the only reason.
I don't know how your wife is, but if I have a general conversation about something I am apt to forget that conversation took place. Eventually you will have to be specific.
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I think it is the narrative we are raised with and try to live by, both cultural and religious. People that are portrayed as having extra marital thoughts are always slimy and in the wrong and are the brunt of whatever malady. Only the best and brightest, most honorable, have shut down their desires and have infinite lust & love for, and fulfillment from, one person for eternity. I tried to be that for so long, so I guess I am partially to blame for the delusion.
SchrodingersCat
Active member
Well, how could you possibly have "made progress" if there's been no discussion about it???
You're
confused because you misread it...
vinsanity0
Active member
You're
She didn't misread it. The point is that no progress will be made if they never talk about it. For now it is just a thought in one person's head.
Well, we talked. Mostly about what I feel. It seems like she might be okay with me developing deep relationships or having sex, but expressed concern if the two are coincident. Her concern is that someone else will be better than my whole life now and I would move in that direction. She knows I develope attachments and I tried to explain how she is my anchor, in a good way. She says she would not be able to be with another guy, but understood me.
It is better than I thought it would be. A start...
It is better than I thought it would be. A start...
vinsanity0
Active member
That is definitely a hump to get over when transitioning from mono to poly. There is always a bit of that mono mindset at first. For me it just sort of switched completely at some point.
Congrats on making some progress!
SchrodingersCat
Active member
Whoops good catch. Looks like I'm the one doing the misreading.
SchrodingersCat
Active member
For some people, it's not possible to have sex without developing deep feelings. However, it's perfectly possible to have romantic relationships that are not sexual, or that express sex in different ways than intercourse (make sure to get clarification on her meaning of "sex").
Ideally, of course, you'll want to move towards removing these restraints so you can just express yourself freely, not within the confines of some artificial conditions. Baby steps. Start out slow with someone, and demonstrate that to your girlfriend that she won't lose you. Gradually work towards pushing to a more natural expression, all while reinforcing your commitment to the existing relationship.
I would say, by all means go for the "I" conversation, but try to drop this idea before you do. I think it is highly likely that you will be rejected the first time, or at least that she will demand a big amout of time (months maybe?) to think. You should try to have as little expectations as you can of what should change and how fast, because every expectation will be seen and makes pressure even if you don't intend to. Being confident about yourself, but not making pressure by theatening to leave if she doesn't agree immediatelly enhances your chances.
It is in your power whether it is "make or break". If you adjust your expectations more to "I will tell her about my wish clearly and take whatever comes back", you will not feel the need to break up immediatelly, if the first conversation isn't going so well. You can set a limit for yourself, like "After the conversation, I will wait for X weeks/months, and if there is no progress then, I will reconsider breaking up".
supermaltese
New member
Might help
She likes to read? One of my wife's first encounter with the idea of a plural marriage was in a book by Robert Jordan. The series is called The Wheel of Time. During the course of the first several books in the series there are 4 women who all fall in love with the same man. The man is mostly opposed to relationships at all and the women actually corner him into marrying them all. They even have a group wedding.
She likes to read? One of my wife's first encounter with the idea of a plural marriage was in a book by Robert Jordan. The series is called The Wheel of Time. During the course of the first several books in the series there are 4 women who all fall in love with the same man. The man is mostly opposed to relationships at all and the women actually corner him into marrying them all. They even have a group wedding.
Fantasy and science fiction aren't everyone's cup of tea reading-wise, but those genres do tend to be more poly-friendly than most. In Robert Heinlein's science fiction novel Friday, the title heroine is involved a in a group marriage at the beginning of the book. In the Sharing Knife series by Lois McMaster Bujold, the hero is friends with a woman and two men who are all bound to one another by the same technique their people use to bind monogamous husbands and wives, and the children of the triad are considered the children of both men because no one, including the triad themselves, knows or cares which man *biologically* fathered any of the children.
So yeah... if your wife likes fantasy and science fiction, that might be a resource. Some people don't enjoy those genres; other people, like me, despise reading nonfiction and so can learn a lot from fiction that depicts such things, as long as one is aware that fiction isn't always accurate.
(I wrote, years ago, a contemporary novel in which a woman who's living with her fiance reconnects with an old lover, and the three of them navigate transitioning into a V with the woman as a hinge... but this isn't a place for advertising, and the book's been out of print for over a year now because I got fed up with the publisher. It got good reviews, though, including several people who said it was one of the most accurate depictions of polyamory they'd seen in fiction...And that was before I started doing poly myself.)
So yeah... if your wife likes fantasy and science fiction, that might be a resource. Some people don't enjoy those genres; other people, like me, despise reading nonfiction and so can learn a lot from fiction that depicts such things, as long as one is aware that fiction isn't always accurate.
(I wrote, years ago, a contemporary novel in which a woman who's living with her fiance reconnects with an old lover, and the three of them navigate transitioning into a V with the woman as a hinge... but this isn't a place for advertising, and the book's been out of print for over a year now because I got fed up with the publisher. It got good reviews, though, including several people who said it was one of the most accurate depictions of polyamory they'd seen in fiction...And that was before I started doing poly myself.)
Hi trallart,
I know your wife is already reading a book, but maybe when she gets done the two of you could consider, "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino. You might even consider reading it together.
I'm glad you guys have had a tentative discussion and made a little progress.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
I know your wife is already reading a book, but maybe when she gets done the two of you could consider, "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino. You might even consider reading it together.
I'm glad you guys have had a tentative discussion and made a little progress.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.