NRE or true compatibility.. (long)

S

sunshinestate

New member
I am a mid-30's lesbian and have been with my wife for coming up on 13 years. For 10 years we were monogamous, but 3 years ago I decided that I could no longer deny, repress or ignore the fact that I am polyamorous (which for so long wasn't an issue because I was happily mono with my wife, but that has faded over time and I have come to this realization, especially based on past experience). So I had a discussion with her, and she was ok with opening up our marriage, while being monogamously-wired herself. I began to date, and made some connections with other women and became intimate here and there, but everything was fine and nothing really changed between my wife and I- still very good together and very much in love. Then I met my current girlfriend who I've been seeing for about 10 months and have fallen deeply in love with.

I know about NRE, and I have taken strides not to neglect my wife, but I feel as if I have fallen out of love with her. She and I are very different, and those differences have come to the forefront lately, since I connect so much better with my girlfriend. My gf and I are both introverts (my wife is a huge extrovert), we have similar life goals, similar tastes, similar libidos (which has always been an issue in my marriage), etc. And there is one other huge thing...

I have never wanted a child, and my wife always has. A few years into our marriage, I was basically faced with an ultimatum, as she made it clear she was going to have a child with or without me. So I "gave in" because I wanted to be with her, and I tried my best to throw myself into the whole thing. We have a 6 year old son together. Unfortunately, parenthood has been an enormous challenge for me. I haven't been the best parent, but not the worst either. I always try my best, just not exactly patient and don't find much joy in it. I don't miss my son when I'm away :( Still, regardless of what happens, I would never walk away...I am, and always will be, his parent. But I should've listened to my instincts, sigh. GF doesn't want kids, although she interacts with my son well.

You may be thinking, as I was for a while, that apart from the parenting issue, this does not really represent a huge problem, since polyamory means I can be with them both. But as they are both monogamously-wired, I find I am dealing with a wife who tolerates my being poly but, in her words "didn't sign up for this", and a gf who has made it clear that she wants a live-in/nesting partner eventually and if she can't do that with me, she will move on. I don't want to lose her...we are such a good match, and I am so happy with her. And I love my wife, but I have been been noticeably less happy in our marriage lately, and there is the constant resentment of having the daily stress of a child in my life, even though I acknowledge it was my decision to stay.

I am completely torn up over the thought of hurting my wife, and just as torn up over hurting my gf or having her leave when I see a future for us together. I am seeing a counselor to talk about this next week, but I am interested in your thoughts and experiences. Thank you.
 
Sunshine, it sounds to me as though you've found a much more compatible partner. It's not very complicated. :)

Just because you've identified as poly in the past doesn't mean that you must keep going forward with two partners. What you're experiencing sounds pretty "normal," in that it happens every day: couple meets, comes together, makes it work together, has a kid, eventually realizes that they are pretty darn incompatible. You've met someone who is making the incompatibility glaringly obvious. Poly is about living more or less peacefully and happily with more than one romantic relationship. What you're describing is what a lot of people go through and that is slowly evolving from one love relationship to the next with a bit of overlap. It's OK. It happens. It's very common.

Just want to add that not missing your child doesn't make you a bad parent. I cherish every moment when I don't have to be "mom." Although it's vogue right now, just putting your kids in the center of your world doesn't make someone a great parent. I urge you to focus on the wonderful ways in which you are happily there for your son and not worry too much about the ways you're not a stereotypically "good mom." Being a good parent comes in many forms, but in my view, one of the best gifts you can give your child is modeling what it means to have solid confidence in yourself and your life choices. Parenting is huge challenge for many of us, even those of us who wanted to be parents very much.
 
Last edited:
I'm sorry you struggle.

I could be wrong. But to me you sound like

  1. You want a divorce. You are no longer compatible with. FOR SURE. (You had hints you ignored before, but it is not ignorable any more.)
  2. You want to be with the GF, maybe even become her nesting partner over time.
  3. You don't want main custody of son. (?)


So rather than dance around it? I think in your situation? You could contemplate a life change. Sort your stuff out.

Could end the marriage with the incompatible wife in a peaceful, amicable way.
  • Then wife doesn't have to keep doing poly she doesn't really want.
  • And you don't have to keep doing marriage you do not really want.
  • Frees you and wife up to move on to doing things you and wife DO want

Could ask wife if she's willing to be main custody parent in the divorce agreements.
  • You sound like you love your son but you might prefer wife to have main custody and you support with financial help and visitation/vacation custody or similar.
  • So ask wife if she's up for that. Sort it out.

Could ask the GF to be patient while you sort out divorce things and get your own apartment. But that is the order I suggest.
  • First divorce and sort the child custody thing.
  • Second get your own 2 bedroom apartment with space for you and child.
  • Then continue to date the GF for at least another year while maintaining separate homes. Gives you and son time to adjust to "life after divorce" first.
  • Don't just move in with her right away. "Divorce" and "adjust to life post divorce" are enough stressors without piling on "Move in with GF" and "Adjust to being roomies" too.
  • Slow things way down, and talk about cohabitation later on.

I have been been noticeably less happy in our marriage lately, and there is the constant resentment of having the daily stress of a child in my life, even though I acknowledge it was my decision to stay.
Click to expand...

You are allowed to change your mind and change your decision.

I can see where this is hard but my advice is to LEAN INTO IT and get it all sorted out. Actively participate in your life.

Don't lean away from it and just fumble along hoping one or the other gets fed up with the "floating along" thing.

That approach doesn't seem to be serving anyone here well.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
FallenAngelina said:
Sunshine, it sounds to me as though you've found a much more compatible partner. It's not very complicated. :)
Click to expand...

Thank you for your reply, and the kind things you said about my being a parent. It does come down to your statement above, but I have such enormous guilt over my wife having been so amenable to my wishes, and then basically turning around and saying I don't want to be with her like that anymore. ugh.

In my ideal world, I would make my GF my primary/nesting partner and my wife in the "secondary" (hate that word) role, but I have a strong feeling wife will not be ok with that, which is entirely understandable. Guess I will find that out at some point soon..
 
You can live with both and not have a relationship hierarchy. I travel between the two houses owned by my husbands. Never husband is secondary. Others live together under one roof with separate space.
 
sunshinestate said:
I know about NRE, and I have taken strides not to neglect my wife, but I feel as if I have fallen out of love with her. She and I are very different, and those differences have come to the forefront lately, since I connect so much better with my girlfriend. My gf and I are both introverts (my wife is a huge extrovert), we have similar life goals, similar tastes, similar libidos (which has always been an issue in my marriage), etc....I love my wife, but I have been been noticeably less happy in our marriage lately, and there is the constant resentment of having the daily stress of a child in my life, even though I acknowledge it was my decision to stay.
Click to expand...

Forgive me for being presumptuous, but it really appears to me as if you'd much rather be with your GF in a romantic way than with your wife. It's been 10 months, during which your GF relationship has deepened and your spousal relationship has eroded. Are you sure that you want "poly" or are you instead looking for an alternative to hurting your wife and going back on your word to raise your son together? Poly is a great choice for people who have two or more satisfying, but different relationships. It's not a great choice for people who are feeling guilty about having an overwhelming preference and can't bring themselves to make a choice. The women in your life are not poly minded in the least and honestly, Sunshine, it sounds to me that you are not feelin' it, either, at this time. Some people feel that they are "wired" poly, but many people see poly as just one of many relationship choices. There's no allegiance necessary to the poly concept and you're free to go back and forth during the course of your life. Poly as an alternative to an unhappy spousal situation is not really a sustainable solution. It sounds to me as though, if it weren't for the guilt of leaving your wife and child, you'd be happy in an exclusive relationship with your GF.




sunshinestate said:
.... I have such enormous guilt over my wife having been so amenable to my wishes, and then basically turning around and saying I don't want to be with her like that anymore. ugh..
Click to expand...
I'd urge you to work on the guilt, focus on what you want, and not base your choices on trying to keep everyone happy. That never works out very well and you feel already how it's a frustrating, difficult road for everyone involved. If you could surgically remove guilt from your life, what would you choose to do?



I heartily agree with GalaGirl: whatever you do, don't get domestic with your GF while you're (if you're) separating from your wife. Life is long and you have all the time in the world to live together after things settle down for you. Don't rush to set up housekeepping, but focus on enjoying one another.
 
Last edited:
.... I have such enormous guilt over my wife having been so amenable to my wishes, and then basically turning around and saying I don't want to be with her like that anymore. ugh..
Click to expand...

It's ok to try a thing and find out it does not work after all. Feeling sad it did not work out after all is NOT a reason to keep ON banging head on wall.

It is possible to end things with some sadness and some regrets. You seem to label that "guilt" like you did a crime. No crime has happened here. You simply are sad it did not work out.

But still could end it. Then you get to move on. So does she. She gets to move on and find a more compatible person for HER.

I think that is better than you taking up her mono "1 sweetie" spot when you don't really want to be there. But you choose to hang around anyway because you feel bad leaving. That doesn't sound like kind behavior toward the wife. Doesn't she deserve to be with a compatible partner that is excited to be there with her? If it is not you, the decent thing is to vacate the spot.

Besides ...You feel bad STAYING too. Since both ways feel bad to you? Something has to change in the relationship shape for people here to feel better. If the relationship shape no longer fits? Change it. Be co-parents and friends instead. Rather than spouses, coparents and friends.

When all the choices stink or seem hard? There is no rose smelling choice? Be assertive and pick the least stinky choice then.

  • Staying is dragging it out, no end in sight.
  • Leaving is a bit more stink while you break up, then BOTH get to be free and move on to the healing place. The stinky part DOES have an end point.

To me that's the less stinky choice in this situation. If you are going to linger anywhere, linger in the healing place. Not the dragging it out place.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Keep in mind that relationships ARE NOT independent entities. They are in fact VERY closely linked by one central factor... which would be YOU.

Let's say that you dump your wife, & "nest" (ewww...) with the New Girl. Firstly, BAD IDEA: if you don't have a transitional period between Live-Together Sutuation #1 & Live-Together Situation #2, then likelihood is rather high that the transition WILL be jarring for you. (Imagine jumping from a moving flatbed truck to one going the opposite direction. Even if neither is moving particularly fast, it's still a wrench.)

More importantly, even if you could somehow break instantly & cleanly with your wife, never to even THINK about her again, the lack of her in your life WILL fundamentally change YOU. I wouldn't be surprised if either you or the gf (maybe both) soon discovered that the relationship is nowhere near so hearts-&-chocolate as when you were thinking yourself torn between two houses.

In other words, be prepared to give up BOTH, & welcome to Romance.

If you're done with your wife, then TELL HER, & take steps to end it. Don't feel like you need to have a gf as an excuse.

It does sound a lot like you're fundamentally monogamous, but have chosen "monogamously wired" partners to slag this off, & are less poly than following the Wing-Walker's Rule, never let go of something until you've got hold of something else... or, that is, serial monogamy.
 
OP here back to address a few things...

Being with my wife non-monogamously worked for a while. And being with her polyamorous-ly also worked for a while. When I first started seeing my gf, I felt just as in love and connected to my wife as I did with gf. I was very happy with both. But then as more time passed, it became apparent that my relationship with gf was deepening, and my feelings for my wife were fading. I found the differences between my wife and I were getting more pronounced, and I was feeling less happy on a day to day basis, and missing my gf when we weren't together. This has honestly come as a surprise, and it's been a rough realization.

Even though I feel less in love and romantically-inclined towards my wife, the thought of "breaking up" also feels really bad. I love and care for her immensely, and I don't feel I want to cast her off. If she told me she wanted to make the choice to leave, I would understand and not try to stop her. I want her to be happy. But she's made it clear that she wants me, still. And because she wants me/this marriage/this life so strongly, it is becoming apparent to me that this might be turning into a situation of "how much can she take"...i.e. when I tell her my feelings, and that I want to live with my gf 50/50 or more, she may still try and stick it out. That's her choice, and while I believe I could be happy with that, it's a matter of seeing if she could.

Couples counseling will come, and I hope she can figure out what makes her happy, especially as I am realizing what makes me happy. I like the comment about changing the shape of the relationship. I do think we would work well as friends and co-parents. Not sure what she'll think about that though.
 
Couples counseling will come, and I hope she can figure out what makes her happy, especially as I am realizing what makes me happy. I like the comment about changing the shape of the relationship. I do think we would work well as friends and co-parents. Not sure what she'll think about that though.
Click to expand...

I hope counseling helps you be more firm in stating what you are and are not up for at this time. Be HONEST.

I love and care for her immensely, and I don't feel I want to cast her off.
Click to expand...

Allowing the relationship shape to change to reflect current reality is not "casting her off." It is being authentic and reflecting the current reality. It's allowing the relationship shape to change so you can CONTINUE to be together in right relationship. You can still love her and care about her immensely post divorce.

What stops you? Nothing. Your behavior towards her are up to you and your feelings about her belong to you.

You don't seem to want to be married any more. I think marriage is a "two yes" thing. She might want to still be married to you but if you do not, it is not a "two yes" here. It is a "no-yes." You seem to want her to agree so you can feel better parting on a "no-no." Like you aren't being the "bad guy" or something. Could address that in counseling.

I think it is kinder to let it end on a "no-yes" because you can ALREADY see is it not a "yes-yes." There is no real need to drag out until it becomes a "no-no" before doing something about it. In fact, waiting that long and dragging it out can damage your post divorce relationship if resentments have built up.

I encourage you to speak your truth and do a truly loving thing -- give her honesty.

And because she wants me/this marriage/this life so strongly, it is becoming apparent to me that this might be turning into a situation of "how much can she take"...i.e. when I tell her my feelings, and that I want to live with my gf 50/50 or more, she may still try and stick it out. That's her choice, and while I believe I could be happy with that, it's a matter of seeing if she could.
Click to expand...


Your wife may have to process some disappointment if you say "I don't want to be married any more. I want to be friends and coparents." But you could trust she can handle that and that she can do her mourning process appropriately. It's natural to be sad. It's ok to be sad.

Be assertive and tell her straight up what you want and don't want. Don't "pad" it thinking you are being kind.

Don't string her along with false hopes. That's not being "friendly" or "loving" to me.

Speak your truth. Be honest in counseling.

Maybe you do a trial separation for a year and move out and live in your own apartment. If after a year it is still at "no-yes" you agree to part ways.

But don't be living there with wife half the time and living with GF half the time. That's messy at this point in time.

  • It does not really let wife see what life without you is like so she can learn she CAN handle that.
  • And it is much too soon to be cohabiting with GF. Don't jump the gun there.

i wonder if that 50-50 idea is YOU going through your grief process like you are in the bargaining stage of it? Like "if we do this then maybe I don't have to divorce after all?"

then as more time passed, it became apparent that my relationship with gf was deepening, and my feelings for my wife were fading. I found the differences between my wife and I were getting more pronounced, and I was feeling less happy on a day to day basis, and missing my gf when we weren't together. This has honestly come as a surprise, and it's been a rough realization.
Click to expand...

I can see that it has been a rough realization. Maybe it is still sinking in?

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
You may love your wife but may not be "in love" with her. Maybe things got stale or boring. Why not date her again? Bring ROMANCE back into your relationship!

I'm different from my wife in many aspects. It's something we can appreciate in each other. Yes, we have many, many things in common. This forms our foundation. My GF couldn't be more different than my wife if she tried. I enjoyed that. My time with GF was spent much differently than time with W.

If your wife can't deal with your poly, or if you're still sore over being strong armed into adopting a son then you may have a deal breaker. Maybe after 10 years you've just grown apart. It happens to couples all the time.

I want to finish by saying that just because your feelings towards GF are deepening doesn't mean you have to love your wife less.
 
OP again.

All of the responses are valid and I thank you. I do find it interesting that people are leaning towards me not actually being poly, and advocating that I want a divorce. I'm not so sure...

Even when I am happily with a partner, I have always wanted the freedom to connect with others, which includes physical intimacy. This has been a constant ever since I began dating. My gf of course knew this from the start, and I have told her even if we end up together, and even if I am going through a "mono phase" with her, I cannot guarantee that I won't seek intimate connections again one day. That if I could feel this way with my wife (who until recently I was still very much in love with), I could end up feeling this way with her as well. She accepts that, just says that she wants a main partner to share in this life with (as do I).

I have been in this relationship with my wife for nearly 13 years. I've read about feelings ebbing and flowing...can this be happening? Especially with NRE happening elsewhere? Does it feel like you're falling out of love, even if you still love your spouse? Does this really sound like the end for us?
 
sunshinestate said:
Does this really sound like the end for us?
Click to expand...

Really, only you can say, Sunshine, but you're basing an awful lot of your thoughts on what other people want, on not wanting to hurt or disappoint ("cast off"?), on feeling guilty over numerous things. Your primary focus seems to be on duty and on trying to make others happy and while this can be a wonderful thing to do from time to time, it never makes for a solid, peaceful and fulfilling foundation of life. My guess is that this is why you find yourself in a "neither here nor there" place with both your wife and your girlfriend - and even your child. No matter what you choose to do, it's important for you to know that an awful lot of you is missing from your life and no relationship is going to fill that space.

What would your life look like if you could surgically remove guilt and fear from your experience? What do you really want, separate from your concerns over how your choices would impact others?
 
Last edited:
Honestly, it may very well be NRE. Even though I am mono by nature, my feelings for my husband have gone up and down in intensity throughout our 17 years together. But my feelings of being "in love" with him have always come back.

You may be comparing the intense romantic feelings you have for your GF with the more comfortable but not as exciting feelings you have for your wife. That contrast may be less noticeable once your feelings for your GF settle into the same comfortable place that you are at with your wife.
 
AJM said:
... just because your feelings towards GF are deepening doesn't mean you have to love your wife less.
Click to expand...

My impression isn't that Sunshine feels that she has to love her wife any less because of her GF. My impression is that she is sadly realizing that she and her wife just don't have the connection that they once had.
 
Hi sunshinestate,

What about the idea of having two co-primary relationships, one with your girlfriend, and one with your wife? Would that be possible? Would that be something that you would want?

Do you still want to be a part of your son's life? I'm guessing that you do.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi sunshinestate,

What about the idea of having two co-primary relationships, one with your girlfriend, and one with your wife? Would that be possible? Would that be something that you would want?

Do you still want to be a part of your son's life? I'm guessing that you do.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...

I think I would be able to deal with co-primary relationships, but as my wife keeps telling me she wants more time with me, I don't think it will work for her. I told her last night that she needs to work on finding out what she needs to be happy, and not sell herself short. And when I say things like that, she asks me if I am asking her to leave me, and no...I'm not. But I'm asking her to find out what makes her happy and what she can handle, and if it's not our situation, then she does need to be strong enough to admit that.

And yes, I do want to be part of my son's life, but I could do without being a daily part of it.
 
FallenAngelina said:
My impression isn't that Sunshine feels that she has to love her wife any less because of her GF. My impression is that she is sadly realizing that she and her wife just don't have the connection that they once had.
Click to expand...

This is true, but I wonder if just because I don't have that connection anymore, that I should leave her. I do love her and we have good times together, things just don't feel very romantic these days. As someone else commented, sometimes the kindest thing you can do for another person is to let them go. If my wife wanted to be let go, I would let her go. I'm not sure she wants that (yet).
 
If my wife wanted to be let go, I would let her go. I'm not sure she wants that (yet).
Click to expand...

That's the thing.

You could focus on what YOU want. You seem to want to let it go. So could let it go, regardless of what wife wants.

It doesn't really matter if the GF thing is just NRE. You will find out in time. Especially if you divorce and have your OWN apartment. NRE usually lasts 6 mos to 2 years. Maybe a bit more or less depending on the people. So that one? Time will sort it out.

But the marriage/custody thing? Only YOU can firmly decide what it is you want. And to me? I could be wrong... but you sound like you want out. But are hesitant to say that straight up. So you keep hinting around hoping wife will choose to leave and then you are off the hook. You get what you want without having to say it outright.

I think you could be more assertive.

I told her last night that she needs to work on finding out what she needs to be happy, and not sell herself short.
Click to expand...

I'm asking her to find out what makes her happy...and if it's not our situation, then she does need to be strong enough to admit that.
Click to expand...

Could take your own advice.

Galagirl
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top