Objectification
- Thread starter Savage
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InfinitePossibility
New member
I'd be interested to know who in your life has the power to not allow you to be in an open relationship?
In my experience, when people say that they are not allowed, that isn't really what's going on. Usually they have a partner who does not wish to be in an open relationship and that to pursue an open relationship model would result in the end of their current relationship.
In those situations, it is up to you. Is being in an open relationship more important to you or is being in your current relationship more important to you? It's a choice that only you can make.
I see it as very unfair to an existing partner to try and coerce them into trying an open model by making out that they are being controlling and treating you like an object if they won't agree.
You are free to make your own choices - and to deal with the consequences of those choices. To suggest that another person can allow or not allow is not accurate IMO.
In my experience, when people say that they are not allowed, that isn't really what's going on. Usually they have a partner who does not wish to be in an open relationship and that to pursue an open relationship model would result in the end of their current relationship.
In those situations, it is up to you. Is being in an open relationship more important to you or is being in your current relationship more important to you? It's a choice that only you can make.
I see it as very unfair to an existing partner to try and coerce them into trying an open model by making out that they are being controlling and treating you like an object if they won't agree.
You are free to make your own choices - and to deal with the consequences of those choices. To suggest that another person can allow or not allow is not accurate IMO.
My wife does!
I would like to be free to persue relationships outside of our marriage.
Im not asking her to change or see other people, I ask for the freedom to be myself without restriction.
Why should my/our entering into an open relationship require the end of our current relationship?
Discussion in the past results in her giving me an ultimatum, "do that and I will leave you"
So yes ultimately it's my choice, I know this but I find it hard to get my head around it. My choice has been reduced. I feel that I'm being blackmailed, that she is being selfish and unreasonable in that she has not tried to understand or accept my way of thinking.
Maybe she does understand but just couldnt live with allowing me to be in open marriage.
So the choice I am forced to make is live with what I have or give that up to persue an open relationship model
I like what I have very much and thus far my choice has been to live with the status quo while I go through my life feeling held back and deprived of my desires.
Hmmm, much thinking to be done.....
I would like to be free to persue relationships outside of our marriage.
Im not asking her to change or see other people, I ask for the freedom to be myself without restriction.
Why should my/our entering into an open relationship require the end of our current relationship?
Discussion in the past results in her giving me an ultimatum, "do that and I will leave you"
So yes ultimately it's my choice, I know this but I find it hard to get my head around it. My choice has been reduced. I feel that I'm being blackmailed, that she is being selfish and unreasonable in that she has not tried to understand or accept my way of thinking.
Maybe she does understand but just couldnt live with allowing me to be in open marriage.
So the choice I am forced to make is live with what I have or give that up to persue an open relationship model
I like what I have very much and thus far my choice has been to live with the status quo while I go through my life feeling held back and deprived of my desires.
Hmmm, much thinking to be done.....
IndieSolo
Active member
You can have any kind of relationship you want -- and so can she. You're not asking for permission to live your life as you see fit; you're asking for her consent to be a part of a poly dynamic. She shouldn't have to agree to it if it is not the kind of relationship she wants to be in. If you want polyamory and she wants monogamy, you two are clearly not compatible.
InfinitePossibility
New member
Ah. Maybe your wife has a slightly more realistic idea of what it would be like for you to have that freedom.
Having intimate, close and loving relationships with others is not like having a hobby. It is not something you can pick up and put down as you wish and as it fits in with the rest of your life. People have feelings and can be hurt - hobbies don't.
If you have your freedom, it is likely that will have an impact on your existing relationship. What if a new girlfriend were to become accidentally pregnant? Or was very ill at a time when you were due to do something with your family? Even simple things like dating. Do you have enough money and to be able to afford to fun things with your family was well as go on dates? Do you have the time?
Maybe your wife sees the reality of additional relationships and doesn't want that in her life. Fair enough. It is her choice to make.
I don't want to ever have children and would not be happy if I had a partner who tried to coerce me into becoming a parent by claiming that by choosing not to I was limiting their freedom to be a parent.
Your wife has clearly stated her boundary on this issue.
It isn't something she's interested in.
I think you should be grateful for her honesty and you need to make your own decision without seeking to blame your wife for the outcome of that decision. Particularly if it turns out that you and she must separate. It'll be easier to co-parent with your wife if you don't have feelings of resentment toward her.
IP
I see that you are disappointed and struggling.
But her willingness to participate in things belongs to her. She's simply not up for it. She doesn't have to be up for everything you are.
Because you are not the sole participant in "our relationship" and your willingness alone does not make a thing so.
You both got married because BOTH were willing. That changed the model from "dating" to "married" once upon a time. Here's a new crossroads. You BOTH are not willing to change to some kind of open model.
Your willingness to participate in a new open model belongs to you.
Her willingness to participate in a new open model belongs to her.
Correct. It is up to you to weigh that out for yourself.
You mention wanting to be understood and accepted.
Could a middle place of "I could be Closed and mono with my wife if she would at least Open up enough to talk to me about my poly feelings and thoughts sometimes" be an option the table here? You could ask her.
If not? It seems kinder to both to accept your are fundamentally incompatible, separate, and be friends instead. That relationship shape might be easier to maintain than a marriage.
Then you are free TO polyship how you want.
And she is free FROM polyship that she does not want.
Galagirl
But her willingness to participate in things belongs to her. She's simply not up for it. She doesn't have to be up for everything you are.
Because you are not the sole participant in "our relationship" and your willingness alone does not make a thing so.
You both got married because BOTH were willing. That changed the model from "dating" to "married" once upon a time. Here's a new crossroads. You BOTH are not willing to change to some kind of open model.
Your willingness to participate in a new open model belongs to you.
Her willingness to participate in a new open model belongs to her.
Correct. It is up to you to weigh that out for yourself.
- Is staying wife worth the price of admission? (give up polyshipping want, continue Closed marriage)
- Is pursuing polyshipping worth the price of admission? (Ending it with wife since she does not want to participate in Open model with you)
You mention wanting to be understood and accepted.
Could a middle place of "I could be Closed and mono with my wife if she would at least Open up enough to talk to me about my poly feelings and thoughts sometimes" be an option the table here? You could ask her.
If not? It seems kinder to both to accept your are fundamentally incompatible, separate, and be friends instead. That relationship shape might be easier to maintain than a marriage.
Then you are free TO polyship how you want.
And she is free FROM polyship that she does not want.
Galagirl
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InfinitePossibility
New member
Hi Savage,
Re (from OP):
To an extent. Short of physically chaining you up at gunpoint, it's not in anyone's hands to tell you what you're "allowed" to do. You can just do it. Of course there are consequences, and if you and your wife are not compatible, it would probably make sense to break up before doing anything else.
We certainly live in a culture that considers romantic pairing (especially marriage) to be a type of co-ownership. So, your wife may feel that it's her right to tell you what to do. But as I said, she doesn't really have that power.
Of course in her mind it's very possible that she's objectifying you.
Re (from Savage):
Possibly because your wife would be genuinely unhappy with sharing you, year after year, and might be better off finding someone very monogamous to marry. You, too, might be better off finding someone very nonmonogamous to marry (or partner with). I'm just sayin' ...
Re:
Of course. You have less choice if your wife is going to leave you as a consequence of opening up the relationship. But as I said, that may actually be for the best, for both of you. Sucks to think of it that way, but.
Re:
Possibly. I would have to be able to look inside her mind to know for sure. I think I should note, though, that I don't think monogamy (even co-monogamy) is necessarily a bad thing. It's really an individual choice, and if someone truly feels they can't stand an open relationship, that's actually okay in my opinion. As much as it's okay if someone truly feels they can't stand a closed relationship.
But, it's also possible that your wife is a controlling person, and this is one way she has of exerting control. Even if that's true though, don't you think you're still better off breaking up with her? I'm just sayin' ...
Anyway it sounds like you're in a better headspace for having aired your frustration here. Regardless of whether you and your wife break up I hope the two of you will always remain close friends.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Re (from OP):
To an extent. Short of physically chaining you up at gunpoint, it's not in anyone's hands to tell you what you're "allowed" to do. You can just do it. Of course there are consequences, and if you and your wife are not compatible, it would probably make sense to break up before doing anything else.
We certainly live in a culture that considers romantic pairing (especially marriage) to be a type of co-ownership. So, your wife may feel that it's her right to tell you what to do. But as I said, she doesn't really have that power.
Of course in her mind it's very possible that she's objectifying you.
Re (from Savage):
Possibly because your wife would be genuinely unhappy with sharing you, year after year, and might be better off finding someone very monogamous to marry. You, too, might be better off finding someone very nonmonogamous to marry (or partner with). I'm just sayin' ...
Re:
Of course. You have less choice if your wife is going to leave you as a consequence of opening up the relationship. But as I said, that may actually be for the best, for both of you. Sucks to think of it that way, but.
Re:
Possibly. I would have to be able to look inside her mind to know for sure. I think I should note, though, that I don't think monogamy (even co-monogamy) is necessarily a bad thing. It's really an individual choice, and if someone truly feels they can't stand an open relationship, that's actually okay in my opinion. As much as it's okay if someone truly feels they can't stand a closed relationship.
But, it's also possible that your wife is a controlling person, and this is one way she has of exerting control. Even if that's true though, don't you think you're still better off breaking up with her? I'm just sayin' ...
Anyway it sounds like you're in a better headspace for having aired your frustration here. Regardless of whether you and your wife break up I hope the two of you will always remain close friends.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.