Officially a V, causing worries

M

MrsBrightside

New member
So I've been struggling with my partner W dating a pretty monogamous person, M, who also wants to date me, which I said I would try a few weeks ago and see if any feelings develop. She has been talking to him more over the past week about her worries than me, which was good at taking the pressure off me for being emotional support.

M was to visit this weekend, very excited about it. Not much worrying leading up to the trip, thought things were getting better on that front, aside from a quick mentioning that she's scared W tells me more about her than vice versa (which W thinks he's very fair on that front). Overall it was a very fun weekend! I enjoyed myself, barring a few tricky feelings on my part that a quick chat with W helped me get over pretty quickly. M seemed to enjoy herself too, though occasionally I would notice her withdraw/get distant suddenly until W was affectionate and brought her back around. Yesterday morning we all woke up (when she visits we sleep all together with W in the middle so everyone gets cuddle opportunity), W and I happened to be embracing. M left the bed suddenly without saying a word, claimed she slept horribly and had many nightmares and was freezing and generally seemed upset. W of course comforted her about the dreams, but she was still fairly distant until we all said our goodbyes and went our separate ways; M going home, and me and W going to work.

Not even an hour later W is texting about being worried she is constantly freaking out while we seem fine. She meant to text M but texted me by accident (keep in mind, they were both driving at the time she was texting these worries, I was at work), so we ended up talking about it. She is often worried about the future because a) my relationship with W is established and 10+ years and we have several plans over the next couple years and b) where she fits into that and how.

She also wanted to know what I was worried about (to help her feel better I guess)? And I said I was worried how she would feel because I am pretty sure I do not feel anything but platonic feelings for her and she wanted a closed triad.

M kind of guessed how I was feeling from the weekend, but thought it would be easier in the long run if we ALL dated because then things would be equal. I said 'equal' is not really a good way to think in poly because it's almost impossible to make everything equal and fair all the time; it's more about everyone being happy, being on the same page, having their needs met and talking about it. She said "I guess." I tried to explain to her that we were more of a V than a triad, and then she seemed surprised that what we were doing was poly.

Since then, she has been worrying about where she fits in even MORE now that she and I aren't dating; she sees us already having a life built and building towards other life goals and that she is just 'along for the ride'. I told her that was not necessarily true, but that it was too early to be thinking that far into the future (it has been about a month and a bit into the relationship between her and W) But that there were always choices; she could date others while still dating W so she can find someone to build a life with from scratch (she can't imagine feeling what she feels for anyone else but W, plus too monogamous), she could have her own place and they could keep regular visits (she can't imagine that, she'd feel separate, she'd want to live with him eventually) she could move to live with us (we'd have kids and she doesn't want or like kids, we'd be too busy for her, it would be weird if she and I weren't dating) she could leave (she doesn't want to). While she had spoken to my partner earlier that evening about all of this (W said they did not come to any conclusions either), she and I talked about this for 3 HOURS, well into the middle of the night and nothing I said seemed to help. Though she apologized profusely for being a bother and at the end said it wasn't that big of a deal, she'll just figure it out.

So it seems like she is really stuck on 'one day I'll want to build a life with W' and also tossed in 'if we all dated this would be easier because then we'd ALL be building a life for the three of us' again, which made me feel like this is still what she wants and maybe she is sticking around hoping it'll change?

I feel so confused and stuck in this cycle of her worrying then dismissing it. :/ She and W get along so great, especially when they are together, he is very happy and does his best to reassure her, they have a lot of feelings for each other. I am happy for them for that. But the amount of worrying (and she admits she's never worried so much over a relationship before) is something I know I need to start stepping back from M because I honestly don't know how to help her through the feelings and I get drained from trying when she doesn't seem to feel much better after or dismisses it as not a big deal. I feel she is looking for something from us to feel better but I am not sure what, though I have said there is a lot here she has to figure out on her own, what she wants, and what she expects, and then we can talk about it more productively. But I think insecurity gets in the way a lot too.

I at least feel a lot of relief knowing we are not attempting to date anymore, or I did until it caused a whole new slew of worries. I don't think it's unreasonable to step back a bit and take some space (without being rude of course) and just keep our conversations on lighter topics for a while? I am starting to think that she may not be very suited to this but is already in love so she doesn't want to give it up either and I'm starting to worry that will blow up later. She also was thinking of telling her parents soon, but still wants to tell her parents she is dating a couple and not just 'my boyfriend has a fiancee', which again makes me feel like that is still what she hopes will happen. Does anyone have any experience dealing with similar kinds of situations?

I am pretty thankful W is so easy going, and that this hasn't caused much, if any, strain on our relationship together. He hopes things will be okay, but feels like she worries so much about the future she can't just enjoy the present. How can I be supportive for him right now?

Sorry for length: tl;dr I admitted to my meta that I don't think my feelings will be anything other than platonic, now she is more worried about the future than ever and seems to still want a triad regardless but it's only been a month or two in.
 
It sounds like she's struggling in general with the reality that she's sharing W with you, and thinks it would be easier if she were dating both of you instead of only him.

It also sounds like she struggles with dating both of you because that means seeing W being affectionate with you and you with him. It makes her feel left out even when you're trying to be three.

In general, it sounds like she isn't really able to handle being in a polyamorous situation. She wants the "relationship escalator" and can't accept that you and W have plans that she might not like, and you might not change your plans to accommodate her desire to be part of them.

If it's only been a little over a month, it's far too soon for anyone to be thinking about white picket fences and two and a half kids, as you say. She's rushing things because she wants that lifelong commitment, and she's upset because she can't see how it's going to work when you and W already are building a life together.

You have every right to choose not to be romantically involved with her. If the feelings aren't there, they aren't there. To be honest, given her struggle with accepting the situation and her getting upset about where she fits and times when she sees W being affectionate with you instead of her, I would say neither you nor W should be romantically involved with her at this point. If the relationship continues, she might be able to wrap her head around it... or she might become increasingly unhappy and upset about the situation, and cause friction between you and W whether accidentally or intentionally.
 
I'm glad you told her you don't want to date her.

A month in with all this up and down stuff? It just seems like a lot to me. I don't think this is poly stuff. She seems wonky to me.

Since then, she has been worrying about where she fits in even MORE now that she and I aren't dating; she sees us already having a life built and building towards other life goals and that she is just 'along for the ride'. I told her that was not necessarily true, but that it was too early to be thinking that far into the future (it has been about a month and a bit into the relationship between her and W) But that there were always choices; she could date others while still dating W so she can find someone to build a life with from scratch (she can't imagine feeling what she feels for anyone else but W, plus too monogamous), she could have her own place and they could keep regular visits (she can't imagine that, she'd feel separate, she'd want to live with him eventually) she could move to live with us (we'd have kids and she doesn't want or like kids, we'd be too busy for her, it would be weird if she and I weren't dating) she could leave (she doesn't want to). While she had spoken to my partner earlier that evening about all of this (W said they did not come to any conclusions either), she and I talked about this for 3 HOURS, well into the middle of the night and nothing I said seemed to help. Though she apologized profusely for being a bother and at the end said it wasn't that big of a deal, she'll just figure it out.
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LET HER. And if she comes around to drain you again, tell her you are not the right person for that conversation. But you have every confidence that she can sort it out herself. That she could see a counselor if she needs more help sorting.

She's got some twisted thinking stuff in there -- like predicting doom and seeing through a negative filter. You can't change her mind for her or fix her thinking habits. Outside your scope.

Here's where you CAN change some of your behavior. Behaviors that are within your scope to change:

Above in that quote? I see where you try to reason with her but she's not interested in reason. I think you could stop trying to apply logic where none will be taken on board. I think it is more than reasonable to not want to talk "heavy stuff" with her. If she brings it up? You can say NO heavy stuff. Just step aside.

she and I talked about this for 3 HOURS, well into the middle of the night and nothing I said seemed to help
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I think you could learn to cut your losses with circular conversation a lot sooner than 3 hours. You are not her therapist. She does not pay you for a session. Her state also doesn't seem to change a whole lot. Even if she's slightly better in the moment, it sounds like she will be back later looking for another refill. That refill doesn't have to be from you.

You losing sleep is not good for you. Your old post was you saying how tired and drained you were interacting with her.

I feel so confused and stuck in this cycle of her worrying then dismissing it
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You could reduce your interactions with her. You could be firm about pointing her to a counselor when she tries to start up heavy topics that suck you dry. You CAN decline to participate. She's not your GF or your friend. She's your meta.

"Basic polite" is all you have to do when you bump into her. W can deal with her weird as the price of admission to dating her. You are not dating her. I don't see what W sees in her -- she sounds too high maintenance / not healthy dating partner to me. But this is not about W's choices. This thread is about YOU and your well being.

If W wants to date her, then you could tell W to keep all her stuff on that side of the V. Don't be leaking stuff on to your side of the fence. If W has difficulties from W's choice to date her? W can see a counselor to sort out W's difficulties. W can expect you to be polite around her, but not best friends or anything.

Set some clearer expectations and firmer boundaries with both her and W.

You seem to keep taking on her problems on for yourself when it is NOT your stuff. Best to keep you out of the splash zone if you are worried about something blowing up.

I wonder if she is borderline or something else that might explain the up and down, the fretting and the "too intense too soon" stuff? Whatever it is... I think she could benefit from a counselor.

I think YOU could benefit from not letting her use you like one. Point her to an actual counselor. Be more firm on that boundary.

Galagirl
 
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KC43: Yeah, this is largely my thinking. I am okay with her dating W! But I feel a lot of pressure from her end that we should 'all be together' and I feel like she thinks it's the only way things will be 'equal' or 'secure' for her; it's not poly or sharing in her mind if she has both of us. Personally, I know W is very go with the flow and he'll see how things play out; he feels she'll either get it or she won't, and clearly talking to her doesn't help so he reassures her but doesn't engage or enable the dependency on reassurance.

GalaGirl: I can always count on you to deliver the tough love. :) I agree I should just let her figure it out. W said the same to me earlier; it is not my responsibility to babysit her feelings and try to help her figure it out. He, himself, gives words of reassurance but then lets her know he's going to sleep or needs to get back to other things. He told me that talking obviously doesn't make anything better so it's just something she needs to figure out. I think because he does this, that is when she seeks me out to further discuss things, because she KNOWS I will engage. I am a helpful person, and with most people, I don't find helping draining. But with an insecure person, they are bottomless, and I know not engaging that is best for both of us (just.. putting it into practice is sometimes hard).

W is very good for not putting me in the middle of anything; though he will keep me updated, he is the least needy person ever (bonus for me). He would definitely give me space on the topic if I asked. He told me that M knows the reality of our situation, and she'll either be able to deal with it or not. He did not ever expect me to date her or be sexual with her (though I'm sure the idea excited him. :p), and was the first to tell me I should tell her we were platonic and that I can't make myself feel anything for her.

M and I are friends, or at least I would like to be. Though I am going to start with the boundaries and taking some distance for a time as well. She is a lovely person when she is not rife with worry; I think W has gotten to see a lot more of that than I have, unfortunately for me. It had made it hard to get close to her or really know her outside her insecurities.

But you're right, I have to be more firm about boundaries in general. :/
 
Can we have aliases instead of initials, please? Too confusing to read your story and try to keep remembering who is who when you use only initials. Also, what is your gender & orientation? Between not knowing that and all the initials, your post became a big blur to me. Thanks!
 
I had aliases last time and initials were asked for? I am a woman, bisexual but tend to be attracted more to women then men, I am also asexual, so that attraction is not sexual, though I have sex with W, my primary partner, and enjoy it, though we did really have to work on that together.
 
She sounds incredibly needy for such a new relationship. If she were dating someone who was mono, would they really be picking out china patterns so soon?

Ultimately, her focus on the future seems to be about poly not fitting in her brain as a life path for her. Once the NRE burns off, she probably won't stick around.

Meanwhile, don't let her suck you in to her anxiety. You can't date someone if you're not hot for them. It doesn't sound like she's hot for you, either-- she's just using the idea of a relationship with you to fit her relationship fantasy into something she understands. (A closed triad actually has a lot if trappings of a mono relationship.)
 
I always wonder about monogamous people dating poly people. I know it can work, but it sounds like she is stuck in that mode a bit. While it is too early to plan a future, I don't think it is too early to think about it. The worrying seems a bit much. That does seem a bit wonky. I wouldn't worry about her too much. He has a wait and see attitude, so it doesn't seem to cause him any stress. She just needs to work it out.
 
I can agree thinking about it is normal and at first I didn't mind at all! Of course it's natural to think about "oh how could this work in the future?" Especially with a new partner and completely different lifestyle. But the amount of worrying and frequency I think is what worries me, plus the lack of interest in working out possible solutions; I guess I end up taking on the anxiety a bit too, which is probably while I'll take a bit of a step back until I can trust myself to cope and not do that.
 
But the amount of worrying and frequency I think is what worries me, plus the lack of interest in working out possible solutions;
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That's what makes me go "huh?" and wonder if she is borderline. Or a similar thing. With the emotional up and downs that are too intense for the situation at hand... it is wonky sounding. A month and THIS bent out of shape?

A healthy person could go "Not for me... I'm breaking up" and move on. It's not the end of the world. Yet here she stays... in a situation she does not seem to enjoy or want so she can do what? Have MORE up and down?

I am going to start with the boundaries and taking some distance for a time as well.
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Yep. It is on YOU not to engage. Glad to hear W is firm with her. You could do same.

You have allowed yourself to be sucked in befor. I think you are basically "easy target" in her mind. Or easier target than W anyway. Until YOU decide to firm it up, this is going to be a recurring problem for you... her coming along got use you for emotional dumping ground.

It doesn't have to be hard to enforce a boundary. Just something like "That's a heavy topic that goes outside my scope. I cannot talk to you about that. I think you could talk to a therapist about that. They'd help you better than I could. Want some chips?" Change the subject to something light.

Say the same thing each time. Lather, rinse, repeat. Keep it easy on you.

I'm not unsympathetic. I do hope she gets what help she needs to resolve her insecurities and whatever else she has going on. I just think that it is not YOUR place to do. Its HER job to do -- to work on her insecure stuff on her own or with a counselor.

I think that she will keep trying to turn you into her "therapist of the moment" as long as YOU keep allowing it. The sooner you nip it in the bud, the better for you.

Whether she actually goes to a counselor to solve it for real or finds a new person to suck dry -- that's all her stuff. Not yours.

Galagirl
 
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Oh okay! I will keep that in mind for the next post.. I wouldn't want to make anything more confusing right now by editing the posts?
 
vinsanity0 said:
I always wonder about monogamous people dating poly people. I know it can work, but it sounds like she is stuck in that mode a bit. While it is too early to plan a future, I don't think it is too early to think about it. The worrying seems a bit much. That does seem a bit wonky. I wouldn't worry about her too much. He has a wait and see attitude, so it doesn't seem to cause him any stress. She just needs to work it out.
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I will say that, for me, it was extremely upsetting to have to throw out the typical "road map" for a future. Your typical mono relationship escalator usually includes moving in together, getting married, and eventually growing old and retiring together (and relying on each other when your health starts to go).

I got wound around the axle quite badly when I first got into my relationship with Chops, and retirement was a big part of it. It was definitely premature (I'm in my mid-40s), but it wasn't just the uncertainty of the future, it was having to actually give up the idea of a traditional road map entirely. Will I grow old and infirm, to have my partner only around half-time? Will I need medical attention at some point and not get it because nobody's home? The mind races when you lose your plan (especially when you're a planner like I am, and not a leaf-on-the-wind type like Chops is), and it's extremely disconcerting to find a new mindset.

It took me time to get past that. We've talked about the future, but that's not really the only thing that helped... the realization that I could be old and alone ANYWAY, even if I am with someone until "death do us part" settled in, and I realized that I'd have to entertain the notion that I'd be old and alone anyway, and to maybe prepare for that as it approaches. But it's not something anyone else can tell you without coming across as callous. You have to dig in and understand that yourself, and it can be tough going.

For the OP, definitely take people's advice and let her figure it out on her own (or help if and when she asks for it). My metamour tried to be helpful, but she and I come from such different backgrounds and points of view, that it just made things worse for me. I felt misunderstood and as though my fears were being dismissed or invalidated and it led to a bit of resentment attached to the insecurity. Not a fun combo. :rolleyes:
 
MrsBrightside said:
Oh okay! I will keep that in mind for the next post.. I wouldn't want to make anything more confusing right now by editing the posts?
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You might opt for editing while you can. Then I, for one, will go back and read the post. As it is, I can't follow along.
 
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Becca said:
She sounds incredibly needy for such a new relationship. If she were dating someone who was mono, would they really be picking out china patterns so soon?
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I think that happens a lot with people who are specifically looking to settle down.
 
FallenAngel: Ahh, I don't see an option to edit. How do I do that?

YouAreHere: Thank you for this perspective on the other side of things! I have a feeling you are right about the 'road map' and the difficulties that come out of that. I think it's super okay to want those things and not have to feel like your sacrificing all your own life plans just to make something work. But I have a hard time communicating that without sounding callous or like I want her to leave. If those things are important to her I want her to be able to have them, be happy. It is good to know though that it can get better, though unfortunately I can't really help her with it I guess, as much as I have wanted to and tried.
 
MrsBrightside said:
Ahh, I don't see an option to edit. How do I do that?
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You have a window of 12 hours after initially posting something to edit or delete. After that, editing is not possible.

That's okay, just give them aliases from this point forward, and stick to them in every thread - we're a community here and remember people's nicknames and partners, etc.

(as an aside -- I think the confusion for me was also that you used the initials M and W, which are just upside down versions of each other, LOL!!!)
 
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nycindie said:
(as an aside -- I think the confusion for me was also that you used the initials M and W, which are just upside down versions of each other, LOL!!!)
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HAH, I thought of this after when confusion was first brought up. I did it for simplicity so I would remember what I used, but in hindsight I can definitely see how that is confusing as heck. :p I'll make sure I use nicknames next time, and maybe a legend, LOL.
 
Hi MrsBrightside,
Just wondering if you had any updates.

I get the impression M wants one of two things, either a perfectly-balanced triad (with you and her in love), or monogamy with W (with you not in the picture). Since neither of those is really possible, she's flailing about smacking down all the solutions that in her mind won't work.

My suggestion is to limit your amount of participation in this flailing process. And I do think she could use a good counselor at least for the time being. If she doesn't want that (or there's some reason why she can't do that), at least she should express her concerns to W, not you.

That's my opinion anyway,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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Hey Kevin! I guess my most recent updates on this ended up in the ' being a go between' thread!

I think you are right that she (Nickname: Red) wants one of those two things, though isn't ready to admit that poly isn't for her. I have taken space this week and she has asked three times if we are okay since then, plus asking my partner as few times as well (telling him she is sad we don't talk as much anymore). I feel pretty secure in taking space, and I am careful not to cave and talk to her more just because she is worrying; things are fine and I assure her I'm just busy/taking personal time. She has been talking more to W (who I have nicknamed Farmer) about her issues thankfully, and he seems to tolerate it better.

But ever since the talk about being platonic and taking some space, her paranoia/insecurity is higher. She asked Farmer on Friday to let her know when he was going to be away from his phone for an hour or two so she doesn't freak out (we were having dinner, not having our phones has been pretty routine). She also expressed fear that Farmer would have a threesome randomly because we were having a party at our place on Saturday and women would be there. Red proceeded to text him often during the party, even though she herself went out for the night. Farmer thinks she just had a bad week (a few crappy things happened) but I am not sure. I do not think she worries like that when he is away from his phone, say, at work.

But I feel less worried about it since taking a step back. Farmer is more than capable of dealing with it, and although I've expressed some of my concerns about these things, he doesn't think it's a pattern or that she's trying to sabotage our time together (I don't think this is the case either but I do think she is handling her anxiety in a not-healthy way).
 
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