Why does it have to be logical? Or understood by you? Are you spending your energy "dollars" in the wrong place right now?
What is it you want him to do instead? What would you be doing if you were a widow?
I am not divorced and haven't had to deal with custody issues. But I do have people like the dementia seniors that have good intentions but don't follow thru, flaky friends, etc.
I pretty much just figure X is all on me. And I consider any help from them "bonus" if it actually comes to pass. And then if they forget no skin off my nose. Because I have already made other arrangements on my own or asked for help from my "tried and true" family and friends who DO follow through.
Could learn to work with that is there.
My mom used to call me to complain about my dad and he would call me to complain about her. She would get mad he would miss taking out the trash on time and the garage would stink up. He would get mad that she would "take over" his jobs if she took the trash out herself and made him feel useless.
I asked her why, as the caregiver to an Alzheimer patient, she was giving him the "time based" chores? Time means NOTHING solid to that kind of patient. Why wasn't she giving him chores that don't matter the time? Like washing the car or sweeping the patio? And those can either be super clean car or dusty car. Or super clean patio or leafy patio. But whatever his Alz brain is doing that week -- obsessing or forgetting -- no skin off her nose. Why is she wasting her time and energy fussing with him or calling me to complain rather than work with what she has?
She was surprised and said "Oh. I didn't think of it like that." And they worked out some other kind of chore schedule so mom does all the time based chores and dad does not time based chores.
I get that you wanted your ex to be a lot of things in the past. And he just wasn't. So maybe let those old expectations go. And before making new, realistic expectations of him as a coparent... give it some time to learn him in this context. While detaching from his personal life.
Maybe put your ADHD ex in the "wait and see" folder with "still developing expectations" rather than "tried and true" folder. Because you don't actually know yet if he's gonna be a "tried and true" coparent. And in the meanwhile, things still need doing. So if he comes through on something you ask for-- great! Bonus! Note the area. And if he doesn't -- no skin off your nose. Note the area. Over time you will learn what coparenting things he's good at and which part he stinks at.
Whether stuff he does in his personal life is "logical" or not --- how much does it really matter over here in YOUR life as his ex? How is that your business any more? That to me would be a more effective question to ask than asking "Where's the logic in him booking a vacation right now?"
You are going through a detaching phase -- and changing into being his ex. And not being involved in certain spheres of his life. While some things do overlap -- on the coparenting front.
Could ask yourself "What is CONCRETE here?"
He is having kid before school starts and again at half term break. Ok.
Is that good enough? What do YOU need? And which parts can come from him and which parts can come from other family and friends? Do you want him to take son some weekends to you catch a break? Or can you family/friends take kid so you get a break?
Can you make some parent friends and do trades? Increase your support network? Is there a single parent group at the school or elsewhere?
We used to have no extra money for babysitting so I'd trade in kind and take kids from other friends while they went out and then they'd take mine while we went out.
Not to be mean about it...
But if your ex has been half checked out anyway and not really engaging with son? I don't think son is gonna miss his not being present much because he never learned to expect different. He might even do better now that there's no fighting or arguing in the home.
But he will miss YOU not being present if he relies on you to set the household routines and you have your brain wandering off into whatever your ex is doing on his vacation in his personal life.
Have you talked to son about divorce? There's children's books to help with that transition.
I guess I need to give my kid more credit in his resilience to this transition period. I don't care what he's going to do during his time away, it was more about the timing of it. I worry that if we start the co-parenting routine we've agreed and it stops so soon afterwards our son might feel less comfortable in going with him when he comes back.
My ex is really sensitive to rejection in any form so its more concern around that.
Thanks for the kick up the butt - you're right. His future relationship with our son is nothing to do with me. I will stop wasting my energy on it eventually.
I have a small circle of trusted "Mum friends" and we do take each other's kids etc...kiddo was born 8 weeks prem so we didn't go out much at first and didn't make the kind of friends I have now until a year or two in. Family lived too far away to make trips to babysit.
Great example we tried the timed vs non timed chores once we knew more about ADHD thinking. It worked at first before one of us would run out of energy "dollars" and it would build.
I have an ongoing pain/fatigue condition called fibromyalgia. I'm mostly fine but get some days where I am just wiped so I know about how running on fumes feels. I'm one of the lucky ones where I can continue day to day life, work etc...with my symptoms under control.
I got a reply from the therapist I found. Its helping. I also realised after posting this it was said in haste so deleted it.
Appreciate the reply though!