Ok, so here goes

L

Lori91

New member
I now have vocabulary to express what I've felt all these years! The word 'polyamory' describes exactly what I have been looking for but didn't know it. I'm a 51 year old married woman of 14 years. My husband has always had the fantasy of seeing me have sex with another man and we completed that fantasy before we were married. Over the years, he has continued to bring it up but I have always pushed it aside. Why? I think it's because I was afraid of getting into a problem like I have now. Recently, I told hubby I would fulfill his fantasy and contact a couple of ex-lovers. One was someone from 33 years ago who I had reconnected with through Facebook a few years ago. Well, long story short and without really realizing what to call it, I now have a boyfriend and a husband and couldn't have been happier...for about a minute. Now I'm obsessive, compulsive, irritable, lost, fearful, jealous, and my life is so unmanageable! I realize I'm experiencing a lot of normal feelings and so I"m doing what I know to do and that is to do research on how other people handle the desire to call new boyfriend, text new boyfriend, BE with new boyfriend all. the. time. The pain and the need is so strong at times that I feel like I need to end it and then I realize how good I actually have it and things are better for a bit. I should say that new boyfriend has a girlfriend who doesn't know about us and so, YES, he is cheating but wants to try and make it work. There's the rub. Since I don't get enough communication with boyfriend to find out exactly what he wants out of this in regards to her, I want to run for the hills. He does say to give it some time, which I'm willing to do...it's only been 6 weeks. I'm sure he doesn't want to make changes to something that might or might not be good for him.

Anyway....I need to vent, I need feedback and obviously I need some help with this.
 
Well, see, there is nearly no chance of you feeling stable at the moment because you have no stability with your boyfriend. It's not even like you're dealing with a metamour who is reluctantly agreeing to polyamory, your one doesn't know at all. At any time she could find out and give an ultimatum in which you lose him. That's always a possibility but when everyone is fully consenting, at least you have some indication of your partner actively and openly choosing non monogamy over monogamy. You have some assurance that they are at least committed to being poly.

The other thing that must be unsettling is that he lies to her, so even when he says things that reassure you, you must not be able to trust him. That must make you constantly fraught about what he Is doing and who he is doing it with as well as what might happen in the future. When you have stable relationships with people you trust, its easier to prevent relationships bleeding into one another except for positive things that are beneficial. It must be difficult to enjoy your relationship with your husband when you're constantly anxious about your other partner.

The only solution is to gain stability.
 
What london said! A situation where you have a boyfriend lying to his partner is a place where he's cheating and having an affair. That's not good for the long run, and it's obviously not good for the short term, either.

What you've learned is that your husband is okay with you having an outside relationship. He's supportive and more. That's awesome.

What you should prepare for is the serious drama when the gf finds out about the cheating. Do you want to be around for that? With a guy who has a lot to learn about ethical nonmonogamy?

I don't mean to be pessimistic. It's just that you have a very young new relationship, and a very supportive man in your long-standing relationship. Unethical behavior can't last, and never turns out well. I'd go with the strengths in your life and separate yourself from those places that are going to be horrible, in the long run. I wish you luck, and think you'll find it. It sounds like you and your husband have a strong place to build from.
 
I concur with london and pulliman. What you're experiencing is new relationship energy (NRE for short), which is a hormonal storm of desire. It actually works on your brain like a drug, so it can feel like an addiction or obsession. Good news is, this extreme state does die down after a few months to 2 years.

Bad news is, your relationship with new/old bf has no future because he is cheating. Unless you want to continue in this pain, you must step back until he confesses to his gf, and she forgives him for cheating, and then either does or does not allow him to open their relationship. Or dumps him. Then, if he is free to date, you must consider, even though you are head over heels for him, you are dating a cheater. He could cheat on you. One of bad thing about this, besides being betrayed and lied to is, his other unknown partner could give him an STD, and you could get it and give it to your husband.
 
Hi Lori91,

Although a wee bit late arriving here, I did want to welcome you to our forum and wish you the best.

Upon reading both of your posts so far, I concluded that you have two men in your life and neither of them are very interested in you. I mean yeah your husband is supportive, until you need some extra attention from him due to the boyfriend's lack of attention, and then your husband has more important stuff (like hobbies) to tend to. But at least your husband's not cheating on anyone so I guess that does make him the better catch of the two guys. And yeah, one doesn't just write off 14 years of marriage, not without profound reason.

You know, your boyfriend is also supporting your relationship with your husband in the same way. Both men know that you have a "second man" in your life, and both men are consenting about that. But both men are also into a lot of things besides you and perhaps even hope to "pawn you off onto the other guy" in order to do more of their own things.

So it's possible you need an entirely new start in life, but at the least I'd be wary of that boyfriend. First off because he's cheating (and making you a passive accomplice), and second because he's given you no timetable for how and when he plans to end the cheating situation. You and his girlfriend are both getting the short end of the stick.

It seems that NRE has done a real number on your mind, and made it hard to reason through the situation step by step. Sure the feelings are normal enough, but that doesn't mean giving in and letting the emotions rule is a good idea. You do need to find some way of calming yourself down so that reason can prevail.

That and what the others have said kind of sums it up; I agree with the other posts here (and in your other thread). Slow down, don't text your boyfriend so much, and think this thing through. Do you want to be involved in a cheating situation? Do you have the men in your life that you really want, deserve, and need? What steps would you need to take to find the kind of companionship and attention that you're not currently getting?

I'll be happy to respond to any future posts you have if you'll just post a link to them here. I'm (normally) pretty good about keep up on intro posts, but not so good about keeping up on the other boards.

Anyways, look around on our site and see if you can find some additional ideas that might be helpful for you, and I'd encourage you to keep posting when you can.

Hope things work out for you by and by.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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