Old love did not die, so I became Poly

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Xevyon

Member
Hello guys, so i came out as poly recently.
That said, i knew about it for quite some time and did my research on it, it always interested me and even though I never practiced it I never excluded the option.

So the story begins when i met this girl back in 2013, lets call her "Red".

We dated for 1 year LDR (she was 18 when i met her and i was 22) and it was the most intense relationship i ever had even though we lived in very far away countries. Her country of origin was mine so i knew she was coming back here at least once or twice per year. We felt a sort of soul connection, and had alot of things in common, if any of you guys believe in past lives and soul mate relationships, i guess you could define the intensity as such.

But things kinda felt apart because she had lack of self love, this then mirrored back into the relationship in everything from her second guessing my love to feeling like i was the only reason she was ok. Therefore things had to end because I was starting to get cold towards the relationship, way too much problems emerged from it even though i still felt that soul connection deeply. When i parted with her (January 2014) I did not tell her this was the specific reason because i believe a person needs to work on herself because she wants too,not because by doing so will get her relationship back. This kind of attitude is only genuine when the self gives love to itself by sheer willpower.

I thought i could take it but i was not as strong as i thought, and not soon after i was feeling her absence deeply.
We ended up meeting 4 months after, and, even though i wanted to meet her just as a friend, i succumbed because the connection was just as strong in real person too, we ended up having sex, and when she was leaving I was crying for her to return back to our country and she was still seeing us two like we had not broke up. She not acknowledging made it worse for me because it meant she was neglecting herself still and we could not go back with the same mindset as things were before.

Some time after i ended up having a "friends with benefits" thing for 3 months i then regretted cause i did care for the person and she ended up having feelings for me. It was a bad move on my part and in the end i still missed Red dearly.

Later that year Red sent me some nudes out of the blue, which ended up pissing me off because i wanted her to be closer to me emotionally, not like that so i could better understand how her progress was going. Still i felt i was more and more loosing her and our talks were becoming shorter.

I then met "Blue", some days before the end of 2014 i got along really well with her but i still did like Red and Blue knew too even though i never said it out loud.
So after some more months feeling emotionally unavailable for some time i ended up dating Blue because she was someone i felt was really special and i could not deny love any longer.We started dating in April and once in a while we would talk about Red, some of this times it was Blue that mentioned her saying i should try to talk to her.
Yet at this time i was trying to repress her presence in my heart because i just felt hopeless and we were loosing more and more closeness.

She ended up last year coming to our country, told me about it but then was unable to meet me and that made me really mad and I then stopped talking to her until January this Year. We then talked some more until March until she just stopped replying to me. Still while we did not talk by IM she tagged me in posts and comments, and even brought up this one pic of me out of the blue saying how kawaii (cute in Japanese ) it looked. She also from time to time tagged me in photos of pancakes; this is relevant because when she came here she made some and was something she was eager to for the longest time.

So after so much repression I was in a phase that i got depressed and could not tell myself any longer I did not love her. So i told Blue about me being polyamorous and still having feelings for her, which she said she always had known in her heart and would be there to support me even if she was monogamous. Blue then told me to just send her a letter with everything I felt like expressing because Red was oblivious to many things. I ended up doing it last week and she replied 2 days after.

She said she had no idea She was THAT important to me. She however would not say she loved me because as of now there was nothing she loved if everything. Yet she would not say she did not love me either, because words meant commitment, a commitment she could not have right now.

She said she did love herself now and before she searched for love cause she could not make herself happy in other way, but now she had found ways of making herself happy, even if she worked in a shitty job she hated everyday she right now just wanted to travel with that money and know the world.

It was not much in her to talk anymore, either with me or even her friends back in our country but to go do things, hence she was not ignoring me on purpose, but was a general feeling she was having, and that when she got back to live in our country again in 3 years after finishing college she would try to become more available for others again( the country where she is in is very culturally different, she cant make much friends there and there is prejudice because of her cultural background).

She emphasized again she would not say she didn't love me, but as of now she was not who she was, yet not who she would be, she was in between, in a place where needed her time alone to feel things.

From the text i took some positive things like the fact she is coming back in 3 years, she is trying to work on herself without going into relationships, and she does have feelings for me after 3 years appart even though she does not want to express them more because of now wanting to be alone.

Still i would like to know what you guys think about this situation, my gf personally thinks she will come around eventually and while she might show some coldness, my gf always thought Red had feelings that she expressed in the awkward things she did sometimes.

She also said i should right now send her sporadic letters instead of trying to IM with her because she is so busy, just to keep us both in touch.

Meanwhile me and my gf are going pretty strong and this brought us closer to each other, she was actually really happy of us talking openly about it and in the end im not blocking love just because of Red, so i guess is not like i have any rush to sort this out. The most difficult part is that Red is so unavailable to talk. I am going to send Red just a final letter until the end of the year because we barely talked after that and i want to just say a few things to her. Though when it comes to my decision im not sure if i should just openly express i will wait for her or keep it just sort of implied I might or might not.
 
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Hi Xevyon,

I think it's best to be open and transparent, let Red know your true feelings and intentions. I have to say it sounds like you'll have minimal contact with Red until she returns to live in your country in three years. In the meantime, Blue will still be around, and that relationship is at least equally important. That's my view anyway.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
thank you for your input kdt26417.

Yes you are quite right and I will be as transparent as I can be, its just that I do not want to put things in a way that she would take me too much for granted I guess...because it is something that needs her work too, hence why i am not sure how to put it without feeling too much like im just there waiting for her.

Yes probably she will only come around better when she comes here, or, at least when the time of coming here is approaching and she can have a more defined view of things.

However she did mention she would try to talk to me more and that I should rest assured because she would never ever not talk to me. So i guess she still wants some lines of communication open... also i noticed a lot of "relationship" related posts on her twitter (she keeps it private and FB is the platform we both use for friends). Things like "those that truly love never stop loving" and other of the sort she posted at the beginning of November. I could not be sure if would have any connection with me and I do not like speculating too much, but now that she replied and did tell she could not say she dint love me, kinda makes it possible that they are.

So Even though her antics right now is of no relationship, I think she might still want deep inside, because she used to say many things she wrote on her twitter where unexpressed feelings.

I guess one of the perks of being poly is that one can still have a lover and not deny love, old or new, that to me is very important, because i always hated the replaceability of monogamy. Sometimes makes sense to just cut ties when relationships are toxic, devoid of love, etc. But, in cases like this where there is still a great deal of connection people force themselves to just make the previous person disappear and cannot integrate old and new.
 
Yes ... polyamory is helpful in that way.
 
So you've had a LDR with Red for several years and, if I read you correctly, only met once.

I think you'd do well to make more of an effort at letting her go. Even if you expect her to return to your country in a few years... that is a long time.

You want her to get better self esteem. The 20s are a time for letting go of hurts and wounds from our childhoods and really learning who we are. It sounds like she is doing well on this journey, since she is busy.

Long distance relationships are very hard for most people. I know it's hard to let go of someone you grew to care for, but all this second guessing and yearning and torch carrying sounds like it is impeding your ability to be in the now and enjoy Blue and the rest of your present life.

I'd recommend unfollowing her on FB. Send her an email now and then if you must, but lower your expectations for a prompt and fulfilling response.
 
Thank you for your input Magdlyn.

I do understand what you are saying and I did try letting her go since last year. It just did not go well for me to be honest, I had 2 serious relationships before this one and was able to do so. But...with her I tried but still felt strongly the connection, hence now my goal is accept my feelings.

I sent just one more text concluding some things to Red and I wont be talking more about it unless it comes from her part. I will also as you say, get more distant from her and will just send now an e mail once in a while to catch up. I do know I need to distance myself to enjoy more the present yes.

In terms of expectations I also need to lower them that is true, I try to have none but because she sent me some mixed signals and also in her response did never say "I do not love you anymore, I moved on" and instead implies she has feelings she cant as of now commit to I guess it created more expectation then I had before, because when I sent the 1st text I actually was thinking she would not feel as much as she did.

She also invited me to go to the country she is in though, which I might do but only next year because I need to cool down a bit and as you say release more of the outcome. If I went there now some needyness would surely creep in.

That said, im sure we will meet again at least 2 or 3 times before she comes back and settle. But as you say the important thing now is to get back to feeling more the present and my relationship with Blue. Showing that kind of needymess would only push Red even further away too probably.
 
Hey all! So some unexpected events happened the day before yesterday. Basically red out of nowhere sent me a old colaboration of a song I was in (im a musician) and was complementing me and asking me to show her things I been working on.

We ended up having a 4 and half hour conversation like we didn't have ever since we broke up. She also sent pics and small videos of her and her cat. Also she told me to send her a book I wrote that is soon to be published ( which I did yesterday but she did not see yet)

Her first pretext was that the AC was broken and was too hot to sleep so she was bored, but, after it came back on we ended up talking 1 hour or so more.

So I do not want to create expectations too much right now but it seemes like she wants to open up communication lines. I did also say in my letter that if we IM each other I would probably be attached too so would it mean she would like me to?

I do not expect it to be like this everyday or so, but she did show a unusual effort that I had not seen in ages, any thoughts on this?
 
I don't know, it sounds somewhat promising to me. Although, if I were to venture a guess, I would guess that you are more attached to her than she is to you. Not that that's anyone's fault, it's just the way that it seems.
 
I used to keep in touch with most of my exes. There's a bunch with whom I've reconnected.Yeah, it's really nice to remember the sense of connectedness & collaboration...

...but that's as far as it went, no vapid Romantic nonsense about "rekindled fires" or anything. Firstly, we probably broke up for good reason, & that might even still be in play. But we have also grown in different directions, & "starting again" would actually mean starting over with someone who's an odd blend of soulmate & utter stranger.
 
kdt26417 I do understand you might be right about me being more attached then she is, however a thing I would like to note is that when we broke up, around 9 months after or so I told Red to connect more once in a while. We were not exactly in NC as we connected at least once or twice every month at that point but she did say she sucked at keeping in contact and was afraid to get attached back then, because I probably didnt love her anymore.

Back then I was acting as such so in her mind I was the one less attached and she the one that would have more trouble by keeping the connection, and, as I explained that dynamic carried on until the end of the last month where I told her everything, which was quite a bit to swallow.

That said, I am now keeping some distance from her to guard myself too because i know is not good now investing too much into it and she needs her space too, however I did talk about a business venture I would be having in a couple of months, and I knew it was something she was interested when I first met her, so a possible colab from both of us is something possible.

About that same venture she said it was much more the kind of thing she liked and that would be something nice to distract her from her job even if did not make much money.

I did tell her to think about it and if she wanted we would talk about it more deeply in a couple of months, because of now I am working on other projects and is better to keep that distance after this whole thing. Also as of now I will talk to her more if she engages me, rather then try to go after her too much, as I said some space is essential for myself too.
 
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Thank you for your insight Ravenscroft.

I do feel the same as you do with my old exes, so I get your point, I recently reconnected with my first ex to make an OST for a game prototype she was working on and while it felt nice in some ways we are over each other and are very different people, so i dont even think about us reconnecting that way.

However, with Red i find it hard, because we still have so much in common, and that conversation we had some days ago did show me that, also in terms of her as a person, i feel she is now much more in tune with me then before, as I did explain in my 1st post, we were very connected but her lack of self love was getting in the way in several parts of the relationship.

That said in my conversation with her I could see she has been actively working on it and also she was the only ex I have that from time to time I could feel mixed feelings from both parts relating to our feelings for each other.
 
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What's NC? and, what's colab?
 
Okay, that makes sense. Sounds like you have a little distance between the two of you, but not too much.
 
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