Old Poly GF Won't Let Relationship Go

3

39special

New member
Hello all,

I am in an open Poly marriage. My wife and I have had several partners and that part is going swimmingly.

However, I had a lover I first met 12 years ago or so, and we had a very intense relationship for 2 years. She was not Poly when starting (red flag) but purported to be OK with it, but as time went on it was clear she was struggling with jealousy and we eventually ended it, I thought on friendly terms. Thereafter, every few months, I would get a call from her... the first couple times we went right back to having a sexual relationship which would eventually end the same way. This stopped about 5 years ago, and though we are casual friends (FB, see each other by happenstance at work - we are in same field), nothing has happened, until...

Last week she called me and she said she wanted to catch up. She started saying things like "I just want to know you still love me". I am too nice, which I recognize is cause of this situation, and I said "of course I loved you"... she was upset I used the past tense, I tried to soothe her, talked about how I care about her, love her, but if we got it back together we'd end up in the same place w/jealousies, etc. She then called me the next morning upset, wanting more reassurance.

I feel like what she is wanting is to force me to be direct and what I feel would be cruel - I don't think we should see each other anymore since you are not supportive of my marriage. I fear she will become very upset/there will be a confrontation. I kind of feel like I've been pretty direct in the past, then this always comes up.

What is the best, gentler way (if there is one) to end this once and for all?

Note 1 - we do have several mutual acquaintances through work, and though I think it's OK, I have a small worry about that

Note 2 - the wife is not bothered by this other than as a "that sucks dude" mentality, our rule is we handle our own emotional issues with partners - she thinks I'm being a wuss and just need to rip the band-aid off and be a lot harsher.

Ideas? Advice?
 
I'm not entirely clear on what you are asking.

You seem to be saying "My ex is bugging me and I wish she'd go away. How do I do that without being too mean?"

Is that it? :confused:

If so... here is my suggestion if it helps you any.

Last week she called me and she said she wanted to catch up. She started saying things like "I just want to know you still love me".
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Ok. Fair enough. She makes a call and you choose to pick up.

I said "of course I loved you"
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Well, you were honest. You used to love her once upon a time. You guys are not actively involved right now and you don't sound like you want to get back together. Fair enough.

she was upset I used the past tense.
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So? She's the one who called HER EX (you) out from the sky. If her ex says to her "I loved you once. We're exes now" that is NOT news. There's NO surprise there.

We are free to choose. We are not free from the consequences of our choices. If she calls her ex and is surprised the ex is her ex? Whose problem is that? Hers.

Let it be hers, let it be her upset. It wasn't you going around doing mean things TO her.

I tried to soothe her, talked about how I care about her, love her, but if we got it back together we'd end up in the same place w/jealousies, etc. She then called me the next morning upset, wanting more reassurance.
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And that is where it goes haywire to me.

Why do you offer emotional labor like that on "automatic pilot?" You have not even been asked to provide this. I don't read that you were.

To me you sound like her upset reaction (even though she brought it on herself) sparked anxiety in you. So you were trying to fend it off somehow by doing JADE things -- justify, argue, defend, explain. You just don't have to be doing that.

She is allowed to feel upset/upset her own self. I don't know why people would do that. But in the land of possibilities... if they want to? They CAN go around and upset their own selves. *shrug*

You have choices too. Could let her be upset without you getting involved. You are not obligated to play in that soup.

Again... she was the one who called you from the sky. You don't HAVE to get all up in it just because she called you.

You can always excuse yourself if she calls with weird again in the future and gets upset at you. Maybe something like this. I quote just to visually block it off.

"I'm sorry you struggle. (<--sympathy first)

I'm afraid I'm not the right person for this job. I care about you as a good ex would. If I saw you on the street I'd be friendly. (<--Tell her what she can expect from you. )

I'm surprised you called me though. This all sounds like a problem you need to talk through with someone who is actually closer to you than I am. (<-- tell her what to do instead of bugging you.)

When we dated I used to be that close person, but we don't date any more. I'm not that close person any more. So I'm not the person for this job. (<-- state your boundary)

I'm sorry to disappoint you. Rather than add to your burdens I'll excuse myself. I hope you do talk it out with someone though and I hope you feel better in time. Bye." (<--check out. Cuz this is NOT your job)
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And then hang up and go about your day.

She might be bummed out but what's she got to argue about? That you were POLITE and SYMPATHETIC to an ex calling you at random out of the sky? That you are NOT superman or wonder woman who leaps in at a single bound?

She calls again? Just lather, rinse, repeat. Same firm but polite.

"We talked about this already. I'm not the right person for the job. Please talk to someone closer to you or consider a counselor."
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Repeat as often as needed.

Just because someone tries to hand you their baggage of weird doesn't mean you have to accept it. You can just give it back to them.

I feel like what she is wanting is to force me to be direct and what I feel would be cruel - I don't think we should see each other anymore since you are not supportive of my marriage. I fear she will become very upset/there will be a confrontation. I kind of feel like I've been pretty direct in the past, then this always comes up
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This sounds like it is YOUR baggage. It's like you are wigging out ahead of time over what MIGHT happen and kinda jumping to conclusions. Why do that?

I think you are overthinking it. This woman is your ex. You used to love her, but you don't want to be all up in her CURRENT life. You don't want to hang out together. So just decide you aren't gonna.

You don't have to be cruel or mean or harsh about it. But you do have to state your personal boundaries. Just be kind but firm. And be consistent with the message. Lather rinse repeat. Over and over and over like playing the broken record.

IME? People like this get bored or not getting the results they want and go seek others to bug with it. Cuz if they call me? That's right. Here comes the broken record. Lather, rinse, repeat!

Otherwise? Could not answer when you see it is her calling. Let it go to voicemail and take your sweet time about calling back. If you even call back.

It's ok to not put energy into past relationships you don't want to keep investing in. In the end if she doesn't want to let it go? That's not under your control.

What you could do is YOU let it go. That IS under your control.

Galagirl
 
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39special said:
What is the best, gentler way (if there is one) to end this once and for all?
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Being honest and direct with an ex is not being mean. A truly disinterested person would have said, "Thank you, but I've moved on" the first time and not have gotten back into it with her. You're flirting with codependence when you keep trying and trying and trying to spare her whatever she is perceiving is so important about your still loving her. That's her issue, not yours, and after so many trips back to her well, you might think about why you'e having such trouble drawing clear boundaries for yourself around her. Boundaries are for you, not for her and certainly not anything mean. Why do you keep responding to her over and over again? This is about some murky boundaries you have regarding her, not about her "fragility."

39special said:
I fear she will become very upset/there will be a confrontation. I kind of feel like I've been pretty direct in the past, then this always comes up.
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Then you haven't been direct enough. So what if she gets upset? Why are you fearful of that? To the extent that you're going to focus on this situation, ask yourself why you're so fearful of her getting upset and stop focusing on how you can maneuver your words so as to avoid causing her upset feelings and a confrontation. Again, flirting with codependent thinking here. Efforts to orchestrate outcomes instead of standing solidly in our own honesty and choices for ourselves will lead us off course every time. People with murky boundaries are not gentle, they are hurtful. People who stand solidly with clear boundaries are much easier to deal with. Why are you so fearful of her feelings - to the extent that you are unwilling to be crystal clear with her?
 
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I agree with your wife... I would be direct and to the point.
 
Hello 39special,

You are wanting to know how to break up for good without hurting her. I suppose you could say, something like, "It kind of sounds like you are hoping for us to start dating each other again. Is that what you are hoping for?" Then if she says yes, say, "I do care about you, but I don't think we should start dating each other again. We are not compatible. You want and need monogamy, I want and need polyamory. We are unable to blend those two opposing relationship styles. I'm sorry." Then if she keeps calling you, and you want her to stop calling, say, "I'm sorry, but we have to break up, this time permanently. Please, just let this be over, please don't call me anymore." After that, if she calls you, just don't pick up, and don't call her back. She may have to learn by experience that calling you does not bring her the result she is hoping for. This is the nicest way I can think of to end this once and for all.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
So your RELATIONSHIP ended ten years ago...a DECADE ago.

Just in case I didn't emphasize that enough: a DECADE. TEN YEARS.

Yet you continued to sleep with her on and off until five years ago.

Yet you try to present the problem--the big RED FLAG--as she wasn't poly when you started.

How about this view of things? Maybe you kept going back to her. Maybe you kept sleeping with her--for FIVE YEARS....HALF A DECADE....after you two broke up. Because you liked it. Maybe you completely misled her into thinking it was something other than sex.

When I read your post, I get the impression you think you're somehow the sweet innocent in this, not knowing how to deal with her misunderstanding. But you yourself have FED her misunderstanding. And you have done it because you have LIKED the feeling she's still into you. You have LIKED the feeling women can't let go of you. You have LIKED the feeling she might sleep with you again at the drop of a pin.

I bet your wife, too, likes the feeling that her husband is soooo in demand, sooooo sought after by other women...yet stays with her. It's all a big ego stroke. And it's a big ego stroke at the expense of this woman.

The answer is: Leave her alone, quit leading her on, and let her get on with her life.

Start looking at yourself and why YOU have let this continue for ten years. You are not a victim. You have made choices that have led to this continuing this long.
 
WhatHappened said:
So your RELATIONSHIP ended ten years ago...a DECADE ago.

Just in case I didn't emphasize that enough: a DECADE. TEN YEARS.

Yet you continued to sleep with her on and off until five years ago.

Yet you try to present the problem--the big RED FLAG--as she wasn't poly when you started.

How about this view of things? Maybe you kept going back to her. Maybe you kept sleeping with her--for FIVE YEARS....HALF A DECADE....after you two broke up. Because you liked it. Maybe you completely misled her into thinking it was something other than sex.

When I read your post, I get the impression you think you're somehow the sweet innocent in this, not knowing how to deal with her misunderstanding. But you yourself have FED her misunderstanding. And you have done it because you have LIKED the feeling she's still into you. You have LIKED the feeling women can't let go of you. You have LIKED the feeling she might sleep with you again at the drop of a pin.

I bet your wife, too, likes the feeling that her husband is soooo in demand, sooooo sought after by other women...yet stays with her. It's all a big ego stroke. And it's a big ego stroke at the expense of this woman.

The answer is: Leave her alone, quit leading her on, and let her get on with her life.

Start looking at yourself and why YOU have let this continue for ten years. You are not a victim. You have made choices that have led to this continuing this long.
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Or the woman involved could hold herself accountable for continuing the relationship for 5 years when it was made clear to her that monogamy with her wasn't on the cards. She could have opted not to pursue him knowing she wasn't comfortable with his commitments to other people and decided not to embark on any further sexual relationship. If she decided to sleep with him knowing his decision about polyamory and his wife, she is consenting to the terms and she becomes the questionable person when she continues to do that under the false pretence that she is able to accept the situation.

She isn't a victim. She's an autonomous adult.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Or the woman involved could hold herself accountable for continuing the relationship for 5 years when it was made clear to her that monogamy with her wasn't on the cards. She could have opted not to pursue him knowing she wasn't comfortable with his commitments to other people and decided not to embark on any further sexual relationship. If she decided to sleep with him knowing his decision about polyamory and his wife, she is consenting to the terms and she becomes the questionable person when she continues to do that under the false pretence that she is able to accept the situation.

She isn't a victim. She's an autonomous adult.
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You are absolutely correct. If she comes here telling the tale, that would be fair to say. "Hard lesson learned, honey, some guys keep sleeping with you as long as you'll let them and it doesn't mean what you think it means."

But SHE is not here. HE is here, nd he's playing a bit of the victim. Therefore, I'm addressing HIS PART in this.

He is also an autonomous adult whose actions also played a part in where he finds himself today. HE came here looking for answers and I gave them to him: Leave her alone. Stay away from her. Look at how your own actions might have contributed to this and quit doing them.

In fact, I'm saying exactly what everyone else said: stay away from her.

As Angelina pointed out, he himself is not maintaining proper boundaries--but then he complains that she has the wrong idea. His behavior is without a doubt sending her very mixed messages at the very least.
 
The huge difference is that everyone else said "don't interact any more" whereas you put the blame on him for the sex they've had over the years. If he has told her that breaking up with his partner isn't an option, he isn't sending mixed messages. He's actually being clear that any sex won't lead to monogamy. It's her that is being manipulative and deceptive by effectively playing cowgirl.

Why would she think that the sex means anything other than the chance to be one of his partners given that he's made it clear more than once?
 
Sorry, I respectfully disagree.

There may be blame to go around, she may or may not be 'manipulative' (it wouldn't be unheard of that someone sleeps with a former boyfriend because she's still in love, rather than because she's manipulative)

… but OP is certainly not an innocent victim.

Why would she think sex means something? Because outside the world of poly and swinging, an awful lot of people DO believe that sex means something.

OP asked for the input and he can do with it as he will.
 
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