On again---off again---on again???
- Thread starter TL4everu2
- Start date
TL4everu2
New member
Mono,
You have called it dead on in this case. I really hate to speak poorly of S, but I care so much for D, that it litterally HURTS to picture her with some of these guys who she could care less about. I try not to, but damn if S doesn't shove it in my face at times.
Sometimes, I want to punch him in the face. Others, I could just hug him to death. LOL S is my best friend, and it pains me to see him act like this. L & I made a mistake about a year or so ago. We took S &D to a local swingers club. We figured that when we all wanted to play, that would be cheaper than getting a hotel room and going out to the club....Well, turns out it was the most expensive trip ever. It has cost us our relationship (which is different from our friendship) with S&D. The other mistake we made, was introducing them to the word "polyamory". S AND D immediatly thought it was "polygamy".
D is now straight on poly, and has expressed her desire to be in a poly relationship WITH L and I, but has said that as long as S is not on board, she simply can't and must play by his rules. How frustrating that neither she, nor me and L may act on our feelings. L and I are sad....but...in every relationship, there comes a time when you either cut bait, or reel in the fish. Today, I said (erroneously) that I wish we had not "waisted" 3 years of our lives on such a failed relationship. L set me straight though. It was a GREAT relationship. It taught us SO much! And with just one couple too! I still love D, and I know that L does also. However, we have to look back on the past and smile at what we had....simply BECAUSE we had it. We really got lucky with S&D.....and we are truely grateful for the experience's with them.
You have called it dead on in this case. I really hate to speak poorly of S, but I care so much for D, that it litterally HURTS to picture her with some of these guys who she could care less about. I try not to, but damn if S doesn't shove it in my face at times.
Sometimes, I want to punch him in the face. Others, I could just hug him to death. LOL S is my best friend, and it pains me to see him act like this. L & I made a mistake about a year or so ago. We took S &D to a local swingers club. We figured that when we all wanted to play, that would be cheaper than getting a hotel room and going out to the club....Well, turns out it was the most expensive trip ever. It has cost us our relationship (which is different from our friendship) with S&D. The other mistake we made, was introducing them to the word "polyamory". S AND D immediatly thought it was "polygamy".
D is now straight on poly, and has expressed her desire to be in a poly relationship WITH L and I, but has said that as long as S is not on board, she simply can't and must play by his rules. How frustrating that neither she, nor me and L may act on our feelings. L and I are sad....but...in every relationship, there comes a time when you either cut bait, or reel in the fish. Today, I said (erroneously) that I wish we had not "waisted" 3 years of our lives on such a failed relationship. L set me straight though. It was a GREAT relationship. It taught us SO much! And with just one couple too! I still love D, and I know that L does also. However, we have to look back on the past and smile at what we had....simply BECAUSE we had it. We really got lucky with S&D.....and we are truely grateful for the experience's with them.
MonoVCPHG
New member
I see that my friend. Hopefully time will bring all of you to a place of more experiences in whatever way will be healthy for everyone.
Hi, I'm new here and this is my first post. I've read this entire thread and I simply had to post this.
D needs to close her open relationship and S and D need to work on what makes them both happy. I'll reference a letter to columnist that was similar. The guy who wrote this letter was in an open marriage but was unhappy because his wife was much less interested in the threesomes that involved her husband than her own solo encounters with other men. The man asked, "Is this a silly problem?"
Mr. Savage wrote back
This isn't a silly problem. You're not happy, which means your relationship isn't working, which means it's time to renegotiate terms: Tell the wife to stop fucking other people for a while. (And, yes, you should have the authority to do that—both partners in an open relationship should be able to call a time-out.)
It seems to me that the little rule in parenthesis there is the fail-safe on every open relationship, an emotional safe word. She's feeling abused, and that will end poorly for them both.
If you want to read the rest of his advice to this man it is here
D needs to close her open relationship and S and D need to work on what makes them both happy. I'll reference a letter to columnist that was similar. The guy who wrote this letter was in an open marriage but was unhappy because his wife was much less interested in the threesomes that involved her husband than her own solo encounters with other men. The man asked, "Is this a silly problem?"
Mr. Savage wrote back
This isn't a silly problem. You're not happy, which means your relationship isn't working, which means it's time to renegotiate terms: Tell the wife to stop fucking other people for a while. (And, yes, you should have the authority to do that—both partners in an open relationship should be able to call a time-out.)
It seems to me that the little rule in parenthesis there is the fail-safe on every open relationship, an emotional safe word. She's feeling abused, and that will end poorly for them both.
If you want to read the rest of his advice to this man it is here
TL4everu2
New member
To add to this, S told me today, that him and D are not playing with anyone anymore. He told me something that doesn't jive with what D has told me in the recent past though. He said she got upset that someone would fall for her so hard, that knew that wasn't what they (S & D) were looking for. Now, Keep in mind that D told me just a while ago (like a week or so) that she wished that we could keep the relationship the way it was, and that she wished that S would be into it also because she really does love us. (L and I)
So what I'm getting from todays actions by S, is that he has made her so miserable, by saying no to a poly relationship, that she is now saying "no" to anymore with anyone else. I am really sad that she is so miserable and unhappy, but flattered that she would stop everything because of this experience.
Also to note; L has now met a REALLY nice guy, and has been seeing him for a couple weeks now. She is now learning the feelings that I went through with my D. I say "my D" because L's new beau is also a "D". LOL She says it's a real rollercoaster ride, but totally worth it. Also, with L's relationship, we all went into it KNOWING from the start that we were ALL poly, and explained our goals and interests to each other. L's D is completely on board with all of our plans for the future assuming that we all continue to get along. SWEET! And so far, it looks REALLY positive!
So what I'm getting from todays actions by S, is that he has made her so miserable, by saying no to a poly relationship, that she is now saying "no" to anymore with anyone else. I am really sad that she is so miserable and unhappy, but flattered that she would stop everything because of this experience.
Also to note; L has now met a REALLY nice guy, and has been seeing him for a couple weeks now. She is now learning the feelings that I went through with my D. I say "my D" because L's new beau is also a "D". LOL She says it's a real rollercoaster ride, but totally worth it. Also, with L's relationship, we all went into it KNOWING from the start that we were ALL poly, and explained our goals and interests to each other. L's D is completely on board with all of our plans for the future assuming that we all continue to get along. SWEET! And so far, it looks REALLY positive!
PollyPocket
New member
TL, I read your posts and I have to just stop and wonder how you became so free. How you were not only able to get your mind around someone else loving your mate, but how you actively encourage it?
Was it a process? Or were you always like that?
Curious....
P2
Was it a process? Or were you always like that?
Curious....
P2
TL4everu2
New member
P2,
Actually, 20 years ago, if someone had made eyes at my girl, I would have done my best to gouge them out of their head! It has certainly been a process. However, let me explain the process to you......
It wasn't anything that I did, so to speak. More, it was what SHE did.
Are you ready to hear what she did?
It was so simple really.
I wish that I had done it for her.
She listened to me........
And every chance she got for the last 20+ years, has made it abundantly clear.......
That under no circumstances.......
Will she ever leave me.
She would tell me that on a daily basis.
Our first experience, was simply ME listening to HER. She mentioned that she found my friend attractive....So I tried encouraging her to persue him. I figured I would try it out and see what happened.
What happened, was some of the wildest sex ever for a little over a year.....Until he got married. So we had to move on. When I saw how much pleasure she experienced and how HAPPY she was, I was hooked. I realized that when someone else made her happy, I still benifitted from it.
So once I realized that she wasn't going to ever leave me, no matter HOW bad I was or how many times I screwed up, I was fine.
Actually, 20 years ago, if someone had made eyes at my girl, I would have done my best to gouge them out of their head! It has certainly been a process. However, let me explain the process to you......
It wasn't anything that I did, so to speak. More, it was what SHE did.
Are you ready to hear what she did?
It was so simple really.
I wish that I had done it for her.
She listened to me........
And every chance she got for the last 20+ years, has made it abundantly clear.......
That under no circumstances.......
Will she ever leave me.
She would tell me that on a daily basis.
Our first experience, was simply ME listening to HER. She mentioned that she found my friend attractive....So I tried encouraging her to persue him. I figured I would try it out and see what happened.
What happened, was some of the wildest sex ever for a little over a year.....Until he got married. So we had to move on. When I saw how much pleasure she experienced and how HAPPY she was, I was hooked. I realized that when someone else made her happy, I still benifitted from it.
So once I realized that she wasn't going to ever leave me, no matter HOW bad I was or how many times I screwed up, I was fine.
PollyPocket
New member
I realized that when someone else made her happy, I still benifitted from it.
So once I realized that she wasn't going to ever leave me, no matter HOW bad I was or how many times I screwed up, I was fine.
Wow, words to live by! Very cool.
How many people have you tried this out on? Just couples, or all sorts? Male and female?
Curious still....
Thanks for your candor!
P2
TL4everu2
New member
Well Polly, Let me tell you...it has been VERY recently that I have gotten this far. Like in the last year or so.
Also, I haven't really had a chance to try it out "on" anyone until now. Yesterday, L and her D went out on a date of sorts. He picked her up, and they went out and completed a little scavenger hunt that I had desiggned for them. It all involved picture texts. It was kinda cool, but I designed it for them to learn more about each other. It worked out EXTREMELY well. I had them kissing and picturing it and sending me the pics. All at different locations and such. Some locations, they had to perform certain tasks and picture them and send em to me. It was actually kinda fun both for them, and for me.
Kinda corny I know, but fun anyway. They had a lot of fun, and learned a lot about each other during the 3-4 hours they spent alone. Some of the stops involved....ummm....sexual behaviour.
Pic of his hand on her breast, pic of her hand on his...ummm...rooster. They performed them all in order. Throughout the whole thing, I text odd words. These words put together in the right order, spelled out "Will you redo our vows on July 2nd 2011". This is something that L and I have wanted to do for a while now, but havent ever picked a date till now....She said YES! Now, why would I say "redo" and not "renew"? Because we got married in a conventional marriage ceremony 20 years ago. We want to change our vows a bit to reflect our poly relationship. Not a commitment ceremony between L's D and us....at least not at this itme. But if things keep going the way they have so far, it will be. So I would say it's working pretty well. Not perfect by any means, as there are still issues, but I have far less issues that L does with it.
TL4everu2
New member
Ok....Minor update time.....The other day, a friend of mine mentioned that she would like to buy a motorcycle. Well, S had a PERFECT one for her. It was the right size, and the right price. So, I put the two of them together. Viola, a deal was made between them. My friend, would buy S's motorcycle....and I would have to transport it for her, because I have my motorcycle license, and she doesn't yet.
Keep in mind that S and I still work together. Every day at work, for me, is hell. I REALLY like S as a friend....but it BURNS that he would yank something away from my wife, me, and his wife, the we all wanted so badly. It is bitter sweet every day at work.
Anyway, My friend takes my wife and I over to S and D's house to pick up the motorcycle. S is sitting on his porch talking with some other friends. D is nowhere to be seen. Both of their kids come outside and say hello and engage in some fun banter. S gets up and goes over to talk with my friend about the bike. My wife L, see's D sitting inside at the kitchen table. She won't come outside to talk with us. ;(
It hurt SO BAD to go over there...and not just walk inside like we used to...and not see D or talk to her.
This really sucks. When does it start to feel better??
Keep in mind that S and I still work together. Every day at work, for me, is hell. I REALLY like S as a friend....but it BURNS that he would yank something away from my wife, me, and his wife, the we all wanted so badly. It is bitter sweet every day at work.
Anyway, My friend takes my wife and I over to S and D's house to pick up the motorcycle. S is sitting on his porch talking with some other friends. D is nowhere to be seen. Both of their kids come outside and say hello and engage in some fun banter. S gets up and goes over to talk with my friend about the bike. My wife L, see's D sitting inside at the kitchen table.
She won't come outside to talk with us. ;( It hurt SO BAD to go over there...and not just walk inside like we used to...and not see D or talk to her.
This really sucks.
When does it start to feel better??
TL4everu2
New member
Ok, yesterday....SUCKED! Ever had a day you wish you could take back....Or move out of COUNTRY to avoid? Well, yesterday was one of those for me.
It all started as they usually do...I woke up. A little humor I guess.
Anyway, I went to work...with S. :/
Yesterday was my long day. I showed up to work at 8am, and didn't leave till 9:30 or 10pm last night. I KNEW it was going to be a long day, so I had my wife bringing my family by as I usually do on Thursdays. AFTER they show up, S sees them, and tells me "Ummm...The supervisor said we can't have minors on the property anymore. I was just told this morning". Now, I KNOW this to be BS. They had a safty meeting two days ago. Anyway, I send a text to the wife and tell her to go down the road as they won't be able to come in anyway. They all leave and go to Subway to wait for me. (Nevermind the fact that my 13 y/o son is almost taller than S...and possibly even more mature. LOL and the fact that our daughter is 19 now and therefore no longer a minor....but whatever) Keep in mind that every single time I try to drive my car on to the property at work, I encounter problems with security. They say motorcycles are fine, but no cars or trucks...and blah blah blah. It's an auto auction, so I kinda understand. Anyway, no sooner than my family leaves, D shows up, and drives her truck right through security who doesn't hassle her at all! Of all people...HER??? "I'm thinking "Great....whatever...I'll avoid and go to lunch." But oh no....I come back from my task that S gives me to do, and who happens to be INSIDE the shop? Yep..you guessed it...D. She looks up at me, and I look at her....She smiles and waves. I look away and turn and head out of the shop. I'm pissed and fuming mad. Is S TRYING to get me to quit or make me mad? WTF?????? Anyway, he returns to the shop, I tell him I'm headed out for lunch. He says "Ummm...Ok." I go back into the shop where D is, I tell her to have a good day and see ya later. She smiles and says same to you. I leave the shop and go to lunch with my family.
Now....WTF was S thinking inviting her there, yet denying MY wife and family access? I haven't spoken to the supervisor about the no minors thing yet, but I intend to. I think that S just did this to prevent my wife and his wife from being around each other. If so, that will REALLY piss me off. I am currently trying to look for another job. This is just too hard to deal with....Seeing him every day....hearing him talking to her on the phone every day....hearing him talk about her every day....SEEING her at the shop on a somewhat regular basis at the shop, but not knowing what to say or do, or how to feel.....It really sucks.
This is my life.
It all started as they usually do...I woke up.
A little humor I guess. Anyway, I went to work...with S. :/
Yesterday was my long day. I showed up to work at 8am, and didn't leave till 9:30 or 10pm last night. I KNEW it was going to be a long day, so I had my wife bringing my family by as I usually do on Thursdays. AFTER they show up, S sees them, and tells me "Ummm...The supervisor said we can't have minors on the property anymore. I was just told this morning". Now, I KNOW this to be BS. They had a safty meeting two days ago. Anyway, I send a text to the wife and tell her to go down the road as they won't be able to come in anyway. They all leave and go to Subway to wait for me. (Nevermind the fact that my 13 y/o son is almost taller than S...and possibly even more mature. LOL and the fact that our daughter is 19 now and therefore no longer a minor....but whatever) Keep in mind that every single time I try to drive my car on to the property at work, I encounter problems with security. They say motorcycles are fine, but no cars or trucks...and blah blah blah. It's an auto auction, so I kinda understand. Anyway, no sooner than my family leaves, D shows up, and drives her truck right through security who doesn't hassle her at all!
Of all people...HER??? "I'm thinking "Great....whatever...I'll avoid and go to lunch." But oh no....I come back from my task that S gives me to do, and who happens to be INSIDE the shop? Yep..you guessed it...D. She looks up at me, and I look at her....She smiles and waves. I look away and turn and head out of the shop. I'm pissed and fuming mad. Is S TRYING to get me to quit or make me mad? WTF?????? Anyway, he returns to the shop, I tell him I'm headed out for lunch. He says "Ummm...Ok." I go back into the shop where D is, I tell her to have a good day and see ya later. She smiles and says same to you. I leave the shop and go to lunch with my family. Now....WTF was S thinking inviting her there, yet denying MY wife and family access? I haven't spoken to the supervisor about the no minors thing yet, but I intend to. I think that S just did this to prevent my wife and his wife from being around each other. If so, that will REALLY piss me off. I am currently trying to look for another job. This is just too hard to deal with....Seeing him every day....hearing him talking to her on the phone every day....hearing him talk about her every day....SEEING her at the shop on a somewhat regular basis at the shop, but not knowing what to say or do, or how to feel.....It really sucks.
This is my life.
Yes, that is why some companies frown on office romances. Once you break up, the tension must be unbearable. I dont blame you for wanting to find work elsewhere.
This is my life.
At least you've got your loving wife tho. It's not all bad. (At least that's what I tell myself after a first or second date or new relationship turns out to be not as good as I would like...)
TL4everu2
New member
FUCK! And today...She was BACK at the shop again! GRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!! I was ready to just walk out today. I still have feelings for her....but.....I just can't stand to be around her now. And S is making lies to avoid doing things with me....I almost with I could move out of state. Just so I wouldn't have to see them again.
And yes, I still have my wife and my kids. I don't need anyone else.
What I meant by "this is my life", was that I have an inate ability to mess up a good thing...and what once was good...becomes sour. That all.
And yes, I still have my wife and my kids. I don't need anyone else.
What I meant by "this is my life", was that I have an inate ability to mess up a good thing...and what once was good...becomes sour. That all.
TL4everu2
New member
Sigh....Well, I spoke to S the other day about all of this again. I told him that I just wanted to be friends with D again. I told him that I wanted to try to fix whatever was broken, and make it so we were all just friends again. He said it might be able to be fixed and he would talk to D about it all again.
Well, today, D showed up to the shop again. :-/ Today, she was VERY nice to me. She said "Hi", and asked me how I was doing. I was astounded. She was smiling at me and everything. Actually LOOKING at me. LOL Small I know...but it's the little things that make me happy I guess.
Anyway, back to me and S talking. After D left the shop today, I spoke to S again. He said that he felt bad. I asked why, and he said that he felt bad because of all the couples that they have played with, he always gets a hot woman, and his wife....Well....the other guys just don't do anything for her. I told him that I was sorry about his luck, and tried to drop the subject. It became VERY uncomfortable. I told him that I didn't want to be "play" friends with D anymore, and that I had moved on. I just wanted to be friends with them both and their family again. He said it's possible, and it's never completely broken.
Time will tell though. I really hope that could happen someday. I won't hold my breath, but I will hold some hope.
Well, today, D showed up to the shop again. :-/ Today, she was VERY nice to me. She said "Hi", and asked me how I was doing. I was astounded. She was smiling at me and everything. Actually LOOKING at me. LOL Small I know...but it's the little things that make me happy I guess.
Anyway, back to me and S talking. After D left the shop today, I spoke to S again. He said that he felt bad. I asked why, and he said that he felt bad because of all the couples that they have played with, he always gets a hot woman, and his wife....Well....the other guys just don't do anything for her. I told him that I was sorry about his luck, and tried to drop the subject. It became VERY uncomfortable. I told him that I didn't want to be "play" friends with D anymore, and that I had moved on. I just wanted to be friends with them both and their family again. He said it's possible, and it's never completely broken.
Time will tell though. I really hope that could happen someday. I won't hold my breath, but I will hold some hope.
Highs and lows really suck. I am glad that you guys are 'on' again and have made a committment to work on the areas where you have identified there is some dissention. That is hard to do in itself for many - take an introspective/reflective view of self and what role you play in life's difficulties. I commend you and your wife for that.
Happy Poly'g!!! oh...forgot about not saying the 'p' word.
Happy Poly'g!!! oh...forgot about not saying the 'p' word.