One confused dude (2-4 hours of sex a day)

[RobertJason]

Hi,

I wanted to post my unique situation and see if anyone with some experience or insight can help me find the truth within the details.

I've been seeing a girl I'll call Margot since the end of November. When we first dated, I'd recently gotten out of a relationship and was excited about dating and meeting new people. I said I was unsure I could commit to one person and give up the fun of meeting new people. Margot said, "I think you're polyamorous." I thought, maybe. But I'm pretty sure I can only handle one full-time relationship.

So, here we are three months later, and Margot wants to have an open relationship. She wants to have sex with a guy she met recently. He practices tantra and is muscular. She also wants to have sex with a drummer, on whom she's had a crush since she was young. He recently sent her a photo of his penis, which she solicited when sexting with him.

She assures me that she loves me and doesn't want a "relationship" with anyone else. She's very affectionate with me, and we talk openly about everything, on a level I've never experienced with anyone. She wanted my opinion on this. I've been telling her that I am hesitant at this stage... not really happy about it.

She usually gets her way, with a bit of a princess personality, which normally I'm not bothered by. But, in this case, she's still flirting with these men. One has asked if he can be her "secondary."

We've talked about the possibilities of polyamory. At times, I have said "I don't like it," and other times said, "Maybe it would work okay." She is updating me on these guys in the name of open communication.

Part of me thinks, "Wow, great. I can open up an online dating profile and meet some new great people." But another part of me says, "Why not do it as a single person, and get out of this situation?"

Last night, I asked Margot to come with me to a polyamory meetup to talk to others about it, but she said she just wants sex, so polyamory doesn't apply to her, that multiple "loves" would be more my thing.

I think the motivation behind all of it is that she is very hypersexual (possibly a nymphomaniac). She is constantly turned on, constantly horny, wet, etc. I LOVE sex, but three times a week is enough for me. We've been having sex one to two times a day, usually before bed and upon waking. She cums hard and loves it, often times five to ten times per session.

But she still wants other men. She even says that the more she has sex, the more she wants it, so me pleasing her twice a day makes her more likely to seek out other men.

We don't have a boring sex life-- fetishes, taboo, public fun, dirty talk, paying attention to physical responses-- we've got it all down, and it's fun and great, with tons of communication.

I am confused. I feel like I'm being manipulated or walked on. She is a loving, caring, sweet, sensitive person in a healing industry. So, I know it would break her heart if she thought she was treating me badly. But I think she can't help this need, and will continue to try to "sell" me on what her needs are until they are met.

I'm finding that many of my wants aren't in line with hers, so she ends up getting what she wants, and I don't, not just with sex, but day-to-day items.

Any advice from people who've seen this sort of thing before? Please chime in. I would appreciate the help.

Robert

 

[bookbug]

Part of me thinks, "Wow, great. I can open up an online dating profile and meet some new great people." But another part of me says, "Why not do it as a single person and get out of this situation?"

I'm a bit confused as to what "situation" you are talking about. It sounds to me like you yourself are open to the possibility of another relationship for yourself, although you haven't worked through it completely. If you can have that, and still be with Margot, why would you want to be single and do the same thing?

Are you having jealousy issues around Margot having sex with other guys?

Or you spoke of her always getting her way. Perhaps there is some underlying dynamic in the relationship with her that really doesn't have to do with your sex life, except that maybe the stakes are bigger when considering opening up the relationship.

I'd suggest that you dig a little deeper into your own feelings.

 

[redpepper]

Your situation is not unusual at all, actually. It's a dime a dozen here. I can't tell you how many threads there are on here about one partner wanting more sex, while the other wants loving relationships. Your thread is no different, it seems to me.

I have had as high a sex drive, and I can tell you that it slows down in time. She likely is all sexed-up right now, as it seems that the two of you are still in your NRE phase (new relationship energy), but that slows down too.

It kind of goes in cycles with me. One cannot keep up the pace of being pleasured constantly and have a job, a life, family, etc., without capping that sometimes and changing focus. The likelihood of her being a "nymphomaniac" is low. I would suggest it's hormones. Sometimes they do crazy shit while under the influence of NRE.

As for the men? Well, it sounds like you need to stand up for what your boundaries are. If you are not happy and not telling her, that is not the good communication that you seem to be proud of. You are being a pushover to a princess. At least, that is what I am reading. No, she doesn't get to do whatever she wants just because she is horny and can boss you around.

I suggest you tell her the stuff that isn't working for you, and set that all straight before adding partners to your mix. It sounds like you need to sit down, figure out exactly where you are at, and start requesting that she respect your pace and boundaries (by telling her what they are), so that you can work on where you both want to be in the future. Find where you can create agreements that work for both of you.

 

[RobertJason]

Thanks for the input. I think the "pushover to a princess" line resonated the most, but I'll take all of the advice in.

We talked on the phone tonight and I explained that I had an emotional day and wasn't happy with her sexting one of the guys. There are two guys. The tantra guy is mature and respectful of my role. I'm not jealous or bothered by him. The drummer doesn't agree with polyamory and is just trying to get laid. I have made it clear I'm in support of her experimenting with the tantra guy, but not the drummer.

Today, she sexted the drummer then told me about it afterwards. That's what upset me. Especially since last night I told her I wasn't comfortable with him. I talked to her about all this again tonight. The problem hasn't been lack of communication; the problem has been misunderstandings within the communication (or possibly Margot's disregard for my feelings because of pure horniness).

To me, this is just cheating. I said, "It's selfish hedonism, not an open relationship," to her on the phone tonight. She just keeps claiming she thought I supported the idea.

Bookbug, I'm not really the jealous type. Jealousy never really made sense to me.

To self-analyze: I think what's triggering this, in me, is that I don't like this guy's immature approach. A friend of his said he sleeps around and probably has STDs. And I'm very upset that she even is attracted to him. She has been with abusive men in the past and been a cheater herself, and I believe this attraction is that same negative pattern. It bothers me. But, she went and did it anyway.

Anyway, thanks for the input and advice.

 

[bookbug]

To me, this is just cheating. I said, "It's selfish hedonism, not an open relationship..." She just keeps claiming she thought I supported the idea.

Bookbug, I'm not the jealous type. Jealousy never really made sense to me.

To self-analyze: I think what's triggering this, in me, is that I don't like this guy's immature approach. A friend of his said he sleeps around and probably has STDs. And I'm very upset that she even is attracted to him. She has been with abusive men in the past and been a cheater herself, and I believe this attraction is that same negative pattern. It bothers me. But, she went and did it anyway.

Okay, this makes far more sense! Yes, I can see why you have significant reservations about the drummer ~ his intent, his lack of respect, and yes, possible STDs. If it is all just as you laid out, your concerns seem valid and reasonable.

Unfortunately, your princess doesn't seem to be hearing you. She doesn't seem to see the difference between the tantra guy and the drummer. She seems to be taking your position as a simple yes or no proposition, with no understanding of boundaries, and that each person must be taken on a case-by-case basis.

Keep talking to her. It's not as simple as she's making it out to be.

 

[Hannahfluke]

I am confused, I feel like I'm being manipulated or walked on. She is a loving, caring, sweet, sensitive person in a healing industry. So, I know it would break her heart if she thought she was treating me badly, but I think she can't help this need, and will continue to "sell" me on what her needs are until they are met. I'm finding that many of my wants aren't in line with hers, so she ends up getting what she wants and I don't, not just with sex, but day-to-day items. Any advice?

This is the part that bothers me the most. Why would you want to stay with someone who isn't willing to work with you on making sure that some of your wants are met? It's not healthy to give and give and give and get nothing in return. It would bother me if my husband always got what he wanted and I never did.

 

[feelyunicorn]

Two things resonate with me about the OP.

A) The fact that Margot might be a "nymphomaniac." I don't know about your experience, but meeting a woman with a high sex drive and open to non-monogamy is sooooooooo hot to me, because it's very rare for me to meet anyone like that. So, it's almost like I would perhaps tolerate a bit more, just to have an experience with a girl like that. Do you feel the same?

BUT

B) Another part of me thinks I actually have gotten the chance to meet "nymphos" before, and I've actually turned them down (hence, why they seem so rare). And, the reason why I've turned them down is because they have made me feel interchangeable, and because of the lack of boundaries and insensitivity.

In your situation, I would give Margot a warning, stating my boundaries clearly, and saying that the sexting with Drummer Boy cannot keep happening if she wants to be with me. And I would make sure she knows exactly why and what I am feeling. I also like to be heard, so I swear by the "three strikes you're out" rule. It may seem harsh, but otherwise things go on indefinitely.

Another thing: I think Margot is doing what she's doing due to loose boundaries, which is different from being horny. Being horny is different from making inconsiderate choices, IMO. She could be horny and choose to eat pomegranates instead, couldn`t she? Being horny is only the feeling, I`d say. The choice Margot has made seems to be something completely apart from it, from other causes.

 

[IndieSolo]

Crikey! Just because a woman has a high sex drive doesn't make her a "nymphomaniac." Hypersexuality is a diagnosis that a medical professional would have to make. To read a guy call a woman that just because she has a strong sexual appetite sounds ignorant, sexist, and harshly judgmental. It's as bad as calling a woman with a low sex drive "frigid." Very uncool. It objectifies the woman.

Just deal with the fact that women like and want lots of sex without name-calling, okay? Geez, it's fucking 2012.

 

[feelyunicorn]

I use the word in the most non-judgmental and value-neutral way possible.

If anything, the reason I use the word is because "nymphos" are sexual fantasies of mine.

... Maybe it`s not so value-neutral after all.

I understand the word is charged with meaning and probably inaccurate in description. I am sorry I was offensive.

 

[RobertJason]

Well, maybe "nympho" isn't the right word. When you're having 2-4 hours a day of sex in a 16-hour waking day, it's high, right? Either way, I am okay with that part, once I get my heart and lungs up to speed.

feelyunicorn, you would probably like her. Most men do. haha. For me, it's a bit stressful to be around a really high sex drive, but I can at least appreciate that it's natural, not really "nympho."

We talked a lot today about this. She says I need to be more direct. I mentioned that if she is craving all this, and it makes me uncomfortable, maybe she and I should consider ourselves more casual for a while. I mentioned my boundaries. She wasn't happy that I had to approve of anyone she sleeps with. She said boundaries are rules, and she's not into rules. I do think even a sensitive guy like me can make a poly lifestyle work, but in this exact situation, I didn't have enough value. Point being, maybe we'll work, maybe we won't, but we're cooling off for a bit so she can run around free. We love each other, so we'll be around in one way or another.

Thanks for the advice, everyone. I greatly appreciate it.

 

[IndieSolo]

Well, maybe "nympho" isn't the right word. When you're having 2-4 hours a day of sex in an 16-hour waking day, it's high, right?

Umm, no, not really. I don't think it's high. I don't want my sexual activities to be short and over quickly. If I am going to be sexual with someone, I'd say at least 2 hours of sex play is average.

I mentioned my boundaries. She wasn't happy that I had to approve of anyone she sleeps with. She said boundaries are rules, and she's not into rules.

You've only been seeing her for three months, and want to "approve" who else she fucks? Are you insane? You hardly know each other. Three months is nothing. What makes you think you should have any authority over her body and how she lives her life?

 

[ThatGirlInGray]

Uhh... he's someone she wants to be in a relationship with, apparently. So yes, it matters how he feels about various people she wants to have sex with. He has every right to say, "I'm not comfortable with you sleeping with this person, so if you want to sleep with him I will not be sleeping with you." It's not even an ultimatum, really. It's his choice.

He's not even sure he's okay with being in an open relationship. Maybe he is (or will be), but she's the one pushing too far too fast. He already said he isn't bothered by the tantra guy, because of the respect shown to him and the gf. Why SHOULDN'T he be bothered by someone who has the potential for a ton of drama and hurt? Who would want that for someone they care about? If the original agreement had been, "Sure, go have sex with whoever; I don't care," then his current position would be shaky. But he seems to have been fairly upfront about being okay with the concept of polyamory/ENM, but not necessarily okay with the application.

 

[Jericka]

It sounds like the relationship itself is new, and hasn't had any sort of chance to settle into what it could be long term. It's NEW. Very new.

Different people want different amounts of sex, and it's a (not accurate) stereotype that women want less than men. We are told that it's so, but, the evidence mostly points to it not really being so. Culturally we are told that men should want it more. But don't let that interfere with seeing this situation as an individual situation, and the variance of desire as okay. Really. It is okay to not want sex as much or as often as someone else, and to want sex more. It happens.

On to the rest....

Tantra guy sounds okay. If it were me, I could deal.

The musician guy does not sound okay, to me. He sounds like Drama, and Risk. I'd be expressing doubts, too. I don't have any kind of veto power in any relationship that I am a part of. I know what my own personal dealbreakers are.

If a partner of mine wanted to partner with someone who sounded risky STD-wise, we'd be using condoms. Every time. No exceptions. I expect people to be respectful of my health and my partners' health. That is just a bare minimum. I expect people who profess to care about me to ACT like it! Words are cheap.

If a person was a drama-llama, I won't be hanging out with them. My partners can choose to do so, but, the drama needs to stay Over There. I will support my partners, but some people are drama magnets. And though they may be magnetic, I am not attracted.

The very basic thing is, you can choose your relationships, and you are permitted to have dealbreakers. You can't choose someone else's relationships or force your dealbreakers onto them. You may have to decide if the relationship is making you happy, or if not being in the relationship will make you happier.

 

[RobertJason]

NYCindie, it depends on the level of commitment we want. At this point, I was seeing her nearly every night, have a close relationship with her kid, moved closer to her. We have quickly become the main components in each other's lives. So, I do feel I should have a say. But, since she wants to be with multiple people, I'm backing down to a less serious relationship. Then it just feels like she's dating and I'm dating, and she goes back to making choices as if she were single, which is freeing to her. And I go back to using condoms.

 

[IndieSolo]

NYCindie, it depends on the level of commitment we want. At this point, I was seeing her nearly every night, have a close relationship with her kid, moved closer to her, and have quickly become the main component in each others life. So, I do feel I should have a say. But, since she wants to be with multiple people, I'm backing down to a less serious relationship. Then it just feels like she's dating and I'm dating, and she goes back to making choices as if she were single, which is freeing to her. And I go back to using condoms.

I don't understand why you weren't using condoms in a new relationship.

He has every right to say, "I'm not comfortable with you sleeping with this person, so if you want to sleep with him I will not be sleeping with you." It's not even an ultimatum, really- it's his choice.

That's completely different than saying he wants to be able to "approve" of her sexual partners.

 

[Magdlyn]

Uh, he's someone she wants to be in a relationship with, apparently, so yes, it matters how he feels about various people she wants to have sex with. He has every right to say, "I'm not comfortable with you sleeping with this person, so if you want to sleep with him I will not be sleeping with you." It's not even an ultimatum, really- it's his choice.

Well, it's kind of an ultimatum.

He's not even sure he's okay with being in an open relationship. Maybe he is (or will be), but she's the one pushing too far too fast. He already said he isn't bothered by the Tantra guy, because of the respect shown to him and the gf. Why SHOULDN'T he be bothered by someone who has the potential for a ton of drama and hurt? Who would want that for someone they care about? If the original agreement had been, "Sure, go have sex with whoever, I don't care," then his current position would be shaky. He seems to have been fairly up front about being okay with the concept of poly, but not necessarily okay with the application.

Some poly people are open also to the idea of a more booty-call type relationship, especially if it's with someone you've had a crush on for years.

I'd recommend she see test results before she has sex with the Musician though, for her own good. If he really is a high-STD risk, I can see not wanting to have sex with her after she does with him. Whether her sex drive is "too high" or not is judgmental. Whether you have a risk of disease if she gets one, is just watching out for your own health.

I am guessing you two are both young, in your 20s? It might be too early to ask for exclusivity.

 

[Magdlyn]

It depends on the level of commitment we want. At this point, I was seeing her nearly every night, have a close relationship with her kid, moved closer to her. We have quickly become the main components in each other's lives. So, I do feel I should have a say. But, since she wants to be with multiple people, I'm backing down to a less serious relationship. Then it just feels like she's dating and I'm dating, and she goes back to making choices as if she were single, which is freeing to her. And I go back to using condoms.

In a relationship of less than three months, you've declared love, gone barrier-free for sex, established a close relationship with her kid, become each other's "main components," see her nearly every night (with 2-4 hours of sex, morning and night), and you've moved closer to her home?

Yet, three months ago, you were just out of a long-term relationship, and wanted to date casually for a while, after having been mono for an implied good stretch of time.

However, Princess Margot seems to be like, "Hold on there, cowboy. You're enjoying a nice highly-sexed gf, and we've declared love, but it's only been three months and I'd prefer an open relationship, with independence to choose whom I date and have sex with."

And she's a "princess" for voicing her desires, and a "nympho" for having a strong libido.

I doubt this relationship survived.

 

[kdt26417]

I agree it's moving a little fast for just three months. But, NRE is a powerful drug.