One Mistake at a Time

I have read about the escalator and you're right, who knows what kind of exposure to polyamory he's had if any.
I logically understand it al. I do.

On another planet I have been just getting loved on by Dean and SoulSister today. Like, they're both helping me heal from heartache and I think my mind may explode.
Dean has been amazing, then SoulSister came over with her three girls and we've just been giggling and talking and crying and giggling again.
Then Dean came home for a break from work, SoulSister and I were lounging in my bed. SoulSister and my 6 combined girls were using the living room tv so we had retreated. Dean just came home and plopped down in bed with us. It's so natural with those two, so family. The girls came and went too. I was in physical contact with both of my loves and we were just all chilling and talking and giggling together. I wish it could be like this always. I was thoroughly enjoying having hem both near and to top it off they both came to be with me so I could lick my wounds.
How did I ever get so lucky?! I don't care what we are, what you call it. It's just so good.
I said SoulSister should just move in, the girls would love it, we would love it, none of our friends would be surprised, we'd co parent. I'd have the wife I've always wanted. We all talked about it for a little while. Dean, me, SoulSister. Those were moments I won't forget.
I don't think they were taking me very seriously, but in my fantasy life its me and him and her and the beautiful giant family we would have.
The girls already think they are sisters.

I know I'm having an emo day. I'm just trying to make the best of it.
My people are helping. Loads.
 
Hey Salt,

The pain of rejection is always hard. But BlueEyes has been giving subtle signs like this for a while now. I wonder what his views of relationships are. In particular, did he want to ride the escalator to the top with you, monogamously? If so, that obviously wouldn't work.

Don't let this knock you down. Focus on the love in your life you do have - SoulSister, Dean and your kids. It may not feel like it now, but not many people are blessed with so much love.

Best wishes,
Shaya.
 
I spoke to Blue Eyes yesterday, cleared up some things. So today I know we understand one another.
I had to go pick up an earring of mine from him today. Ok, I didn't have to do it today. Ok, I could've had him leave it on the porch or something, but I didn't.
I spent about 20 minutes there with him. I didn't hug him hello or goodbye like I've done every other time. He got a little close at one point and I died a little.
When I was grocery shopping I bought myself flowers.
Last night Dean said that before I went on my date he was hoping that I wouldn't get hurt. He knew I was really putting myself out there. He was sad for me when it didn't work out.
I said that I was pretty proud of myself for how mature I was handling the whole thing, but this morning I told Dean that I wasn't feeling mature anymore and that I wanted to cut off communication with Blue Eyes so he'd miss me when I'm gone. Reeeeeeeal mature. Dean asked me if I wanted him to egg Blue Eyes' house. He was kidding of course, but how sweet and silly of him.
One of the best things that's come from all this is that my friendship with Dean has deepened considerably and the benefits of that keep rolling in.
Dean's really been the one bringing up poly lately, he's cool with the frequency at which it comes up. He's been learning poly jokes like "whats the mating call of the polyamorist?" "get out your calendars". There was another funny one too I can't remember.
It's just so great that Dean is really in this with me.
He was just today asking about if we had another partner here, even if it meant more kids wouldn't that mean we'd individually have more time....he's imagining what things could look like. We were just hanging out on the sofa last night talking about the different models that poly relationships can take.
cool.
so cool.
 
Shaya said:
Hey Salt,

The pain of rejection is always hard. But BlueEyes has been giving subtle signs like this for a while now. I wonder what his views of relationships are. In particular, did he want to ride the escalator to the top with you, monogamously? If so, that obviously wouldn't work.

Don't let this knock you down. Focus on the love in your life you do have - SoulSister, Dean and your kids. It may not feel like it now, but not many people are blessed with so much love.

Best wishes,
Shaya.
Click to expand...

Subtle signs? What did I miss, other than the time he said flat out that poly wouldn't work for him. I mean that was just there and I chose to continue talking/seeing him. Maybe THAT was my mistake. I told you I'd make more than one :p
I did need to tell him straight what I wanted though to really be sure.
I'm also now wondering why it made him uncomfortable when I spoke of Dean. I only mentioned Dean purposely twice. Once I told Blue Eyes that I had talked to Dean about him and Blue Eyes said he'd rather I didn't. He didn't give me a reason. The second time was a few days ago, I just wanted Blue Eyes to know it was ok to see me, that we weren't sneaking around. The mention of talking to Dean about Blue Eyes makes Blue uncomfortable. I'd like to know why for next time.What can I learn from that. I have theories, but who knows.

I think he did want to at least hop on the escalator, if I were single we'd date. His words.

I am forever grateful for Sister and Dean. I DO know how lucky I am. So so lucky.
My people show up for me. It's mind boggling.
I hope we can find a place someday where we can all be what we'd like to be for one another. The time is not now for the three of us. It's ok.

Today I'm like "what's next?" but I don't think that's the right attitude. It's funny what our default settings can be. I think that feeling is a product of monogamous partner hopping.

but what kind of relationship do I want with Blue now? What do I need to do to get in a place where I can do that? There aren't any reasons not to be friends. Not today though, today I can't be friends. I cancelled plans we had later this week.

I rambled on there didn't I?
Thanks for reading!
 
Today is the first day of moving onward.
I wasn't sure what that was going to look like.
I know I'll carry the sadness of not being able to have a relationship with Blue for bit, but I'm devising a plan.
I'm going to see what kind of friendship I can have with Blue that doesn't leave me open to too much possible hurt or too hung up on Blue.
I'm thinking most of the thoughts that come up are products of monogamous conditioning. I want to move Blue from the partner category to the friend one, but also that boxing up of him doesn't resonate with me. Why can't we just be what we are with no name? Mostly because I'm not sure what the protocol is there. The protocols keep me feeling safe from hurting myself or him, I think. I'm not sure. I have more questions than answers now. I'm seeing relationships so differently than I did before.

My question now is How do I figure out what I want? I think that might be something to discuss with Dean, or I can just figure it out present something to Dean later?
I have this fantasy that the next person I fall for will already be poly and we can just go forward naturally, but that's just hopeful thinking, probably really silly.
I also have a bit of hope about Blue, but I know that's just not smart thought to have. I guess I can't really do anything until the reality of my situation with Blue really sinks in.
 
Something pretty fun happened around here last night.
Dean told me that while I was out with Blue Monday he popped onto his online dating site and reactivated it just to see what's out there. So I hopped on the laptop and updated my profile. We linked our accounts and both looked around together. I went in with the expectation of dealing with a bunch of asses, per usual, but by the end of the couple hours I may have made a couple real life girl friends that are in similar situations to mine.
To be honest the whole thing was really exciting for both Dean and I.
We haven't thought too much about why exactly, but it's definitely adding excitement into all our interactions.
Today is also our wedding anniversary and we're thinking f going to a poly meet up tonight and we both find it delightful that our first poly meet up is on our wedding anniversary.
I'm also dropping the poly bomb on my therapist today, hopefully she reacts like all the other people who I've come out to have. It hasn't been a lot of people, but every friend I've opened up to has said "oh, that's always been you, right?" or one said " I thought you knew that about yourself already". It's been very encouraging.
oh, and on the site let night I probably referred a half dozen practicing poly people to this forum. It's been so good to and for me.

All good things.
 
All good things.

Dean and I had a great anniversary, yummy food, yummy drink, nice walk, fantastic open conversation. I'm a lucky girl.
My counselor was very professional, it is so nice to have someone looking out for me. She knows all the things, has all this knowledge to draw from. She had some words caution, but mostly just asked good questions. She's gonna be a great resource.
Dean and I have been having all kinds of theoretical talks. He's opened up, he's admittedly opened up. I hate to think that he thought some of his past experiences or thoughts and feelings were off limits to talk to me about. I love this opened up version of him. He says it's easier now, knowing we can talk about really anything. I feel like I'm getting to know a new person and that's pretty fun.
Talking to different people is really helping me and as an extension Dean figure out what we want.
Learning every day. I wanted to say that learning is my favorite part, but I have so many favorite parts now. Seriously.
 
Glad to hear that things are going well.
 
I spent a week on a dating site, seeing what's out there.
I made a handful of connections.
I deactivated my account the other day and felt a great deal of relief. I had started to feel pressure to return messages and be respectful, but that's not where I should be putting my energy at the moment.


Here's what "seeing what's out there" did for me:

-gave me a visual of what other poly people look like (ok, this sounds ridiculous because people are people, but seeing what I would consider to be peers living out poly was really helpful)

-talking to different people doing different non-mono models asked me different questions, questions I wouldn't have thought task myself. In just a short amount of time I have a clearer idea of what I want and what I don't.

-I met Dean on a dating site 8 years ago, then I received a lot of messages that were rude (to put it nicely) the messages I received last week from out poly/non-mono men and women were NICE, friendly, some were straightforward as they were people looking for specific needs to be met but when I politely declined I received zero aggression. What a pleasant dating experience.

-I think I've made some friends who are poly and local. I hope to find a real life community where Dean and I fit. That would be awesome.

-Dean and I talked. We continue to talk, but about new things. Dating, dates, what they might look like, what he'll do when I'm on a date, what I'll do when he's on a date. Boundaries, negotiations. How we'll discuss the date after the date. How beautiful it is that we are on the same page.


Dean and I have the ability to let things be, including ourselves. There's a time for introspection and growth, there's also a time to just be. When we sit and be we feel things and express amazement at what we are.

When I approached Dean about poly, his initial response was that he was not poly, that he wouldn't have time for another partner. More and more though we talk about his potential partners. At first I had a moment of "uh oh what did I do?!", but that doesn't reflect my true feeling about it. Not at all.

Blue Eyes and I have stayed friends. For me it's an exercise in taking things for what they are. I enjoy being part of Blue's life. I even feel like an important part. We've hung out a few times recently and it's been lovely. He asked me to help take care of his dog for a couple days. That request made me feel very special. In a mono relationship I feel my partner would be reluctant or downright against me continuing to be part of someones life where there were romantic feelings (expressed or not) so I'm just really enjoying that Dean is giving me the space to have this relationship with Blue. It's awesome.

Lastly: I have a date tonight, a real date. I'm nervous. It's funny that I'm here now, in the beginning I said "it's not like I'm actively dating", yet here I am. Better yet it's ok, encouraged. Dean is excited for me. What? Who's this person I married?!

I've been quick to point out the best parts of this journey, one of the best best parts is rediscovering my husband. He's so much more open to me now. It's incredible.

Today we admitted that it feels like we are falling in love with one other all over again. How cool is that?

Ok, one more thing. Doing Poly has challenged me to put my beliefs into action. Doing Poly makes all the pieces fit, it just makes sense, it's moving along naturally with very little obstruction or fire alarms. Growing pains, oh yeah, pay offs though in spades already. I don't mean to sound like I know what I'm doing, like I've got it all figured out. I'm just happy. Living a truth is a fine fine thing to do.
 
Last edited:
Last edited:
I wanted to post an update.
The bump in the road thread sums up a lot of stuff, but wait there's more!

After 4 days I reactivated my dating profile. Mostly because this specific site uses questions to create a match% and much like my personal summary I answered those questions 6 wish years ago. So I went on to re-answer.
Also because this is fun ya'll.
I'm approaching more women, by more I mean one...but that's a start.
I've never dated women, I'm incredibly nervous and excited about it despite everything I've had with Soul Sister. To be honest though an open/out there relationship with a woman would be an entirely knew experience for me. I especially get nervous when they are pretty. I feel a little silly, but also enjoy that too. I'm allover with it.
I haven't been able to hang out with the local poly possible friends, but I am headed to a dance where I'm told many poly people go to. Dancing is a thing, huh? Maybe I'll make friends there?! I should wear a badge lol.

With the encouragement of many friends (all of the ones I told about Blue Eyes) I've cut ties with Blue. It is better this way. Helps that I have other distractions, but regardless it was the right thing for us.

My date went well, it was fun. I don't see myself long term partnering up with this person but I realized that now that dating means something different it frees me up to have different kinds of relationships or maybe needs within those relationships. For example, his clothes were hideous. Do I want to spend my life with a hideously dressed person? no Do I have the energy or desire to change his tastes? no I don't need to! This is a superficial issue, but I imagine this could apply to religion or politics or food preferences, whatever. To some degree anyways. I'm learning. That's exciting.

More and more I'm realizing that maybe I'm not dating with the intent of solely finding a co-primary. More and more Dean and I are discussing the idea of FWB and play partners. Still not random hookups, still looking for connection, chemistry, friendship, plus grown up fun. I'm also finding that maybe I like to date for datings sake. New experiences with new people or same 'ol experiences with new people, new stories, new lips ;)

I was talking to my friend about the bump in the road and the weirdness and she asked me if I had been writing about it. I said "no", but then "oh yeah I am!" because I'm doing it here.
I'm forever grateful for this space.
 
The guy I've been going on dates with is going to pick me up for a date from my home Saturday.
He's going to come in and have a drink with Dean.
This guy has no kids, I have three, my house is a kid house. For the past couple days I've been trying to "adult" my house a bit more, like I would do if I were having a grown ups only party, but still I'm doing this for my date so I don't scare him away with all the dirty handprints at knee level and craft projects everywhere!
I also am learning to make a cocktail (one of Dean's favorites) to serve them both while they chit chat.
Last night after I finished dusting the picture frames Dean says...." I think it's...cute?...that you are doing all of these things for your date"

Dean's been let in to the other side of dating me and he's more than entertained watching me nervously flit around and re-think my outfit a hundred times.
It's fun to show him a little of what it was like when I first started dating him! All the nervous flitting and the ways in which I tried to make him feel special.

This will be the first time Dean is meeting someone I'm having dates with. It feels important. I'm not nervous, but I do want to create a lovely atmosphere.

What a fun first. :):):) This is part of the good stuff. :):):)

Also I had my second therapy appointment (I've been going on and off since I was 16) since coming out to her about poly and she's been so helpful. :) I like having her to watch over my brain. I'm glad I didn't have to start over with a more poly friendly counselor.
I suppose this calls for a little backstory: I started therapy at 16 after my dad suggested it when my parents divorced. I said yes, but mostly because I knew this person would HAVE to listen to me and the person who had done that for me as a child had recently passed away. I can't think of any other adult who ever spoke to me like I had half a brain as a child. I used the therapy tool for a time, then used it as situations arose throughout my life. After the death of my son I started seeing my current therapist. I've used her off and on for the last 6 years, recently we have a maintenance schedule. My mother and grandmother's mental health are faltering as they age and I want someone else (my therapist) to keep an eye on mine as I do.
It's good stuff. I've learned so much from these therapists over the years. Maybe it's not for everyone, but I strongly believe everyone should try it at least once with someone they have a good fit with.
My first therapist lent me the book "The Chalice and The Blade" and introduced me to feminism, matriarchal cutters and goddess worship. A young Jewish therapist working for pennies taught me what boundaries were and made me feel ok saying "no". Countless other lessons learned.
IMPORTANT lessons. Now I get to pass it all on to my girls and anyone else who will listen, (well anyone who asks), but it's definitely made me a more competent friend and a pretty good stranger to open up to :)
 
IMPORTANT question:

When will I stop getting sore throats from kissing new people?
:p:D:eek::(:confused::p

Mouthwash? Airborne? Vitamin C lozenges?
I kid, but it happens to me a lot...

and all of a sudden this post sounds gross lol

but seriously I am open to pointers
 
Last edited:
I see I'm a "Senior Member" now. New people are going to think I know stuff.

Some housekeeping: my links in an earlier post don't work so here:

Here's to First Posts: 7/4/17
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=89673&highlight=bathedinsalt

Let's Talk Fears and Stuff:7/6/17
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=89673&highlight=bathedinsalt

How isn't this Polyamory:7/11/17
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=89915&highlight=bathedinsalt

Commiserate: 7/21/17
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=90323&highlight=bathedinsalt

New and Confused: 8/2/17
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=90469&highlight=bathedinsalt

Recovering from Bumps in the Road: 8/2/17
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=91176&highlight=bathedinsalt

Raising our Children: 8/4/17
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=90469&highlight=bathedinsalt

He Thinks I'm Cute:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=91306&highlight=bathedinsalt

Conveying importance: 7/26/17
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=90805&highlight=bathedinsalt
 
Update

It's now been one full month since my first post. I've never expected to go from there (my crush on Blue Eyes) to here (my husband Dean meeting MyDate) in 4 weeks.
Here I was saying I'd take things slow!
I need to point out that I didn't rush or push things. Dean is right here with me too.
So, 4 weeks is my version of slow. It honestly doesn't surprise me. My whole life has gone fast.

I spent a couple days on the dating profile again before disabling it today, again.
It's overwhelming. I'm actually gonna write the company to give feedback. I met a woman to talk to, probably gonna be good friends. She had disabled her profile too for the same reason.

I have a few men I chat with that I haven't met, the one I have met (MyDate) doesn't chat. It's funny to me how that is.

I'm learning so much. From this forum, talking to new people, learning a new hobby with MyDate, talking to friends about my experience.

I'm so happy, things feel so "flowey" in my life that I started to have the "when's the shoe gonna drop" feeling and looked into what it means to be manic.
It's not just discovering that I'm poly that has done this, there's a series of things in orchestra in my life at large that are causing the happiness.
Now I just get to talk myself into letting myself be happy.

That's it for now. I had more I think, but I have been distracted for the last 2 hours so I've forgotten what it was.
 
Scheduling is hard, especially in this dating period.
I'm also getting a more realistic idea of how much energy I may or may not have for relationships.
I'm also doing better at the ones I already have, at least investing more and trying to do better. I think it's working.
 
The Dating Game

I've been feeling very good lately. I'm very happy investing in the relationships that I have and in the spirt of that I've been waiting to organize my garden (a la More than Two) here:

There are plants that need daily tending and those I want to tend daily:
Dean, my three girls, Soul Sister

Plants that I want to tend frequently if not daily:
Canada, Sir

Plants in the greenhouse I haven't decided if they'll be moved into the garden yet:
Tall Guy, Fireman

Plants I tend that live in other garden (This includes friends old and new who's friendships I invest in and nurture frequently.): there are too many to list, but I have two I like to see once a week to twice a month and several others that I like to see once a month and several others I like to see every three months and several others I see every year. The farther apart visits we have the more investment is done via internet, snail mail, and phone calls.

Potential plants at the moment: BoardGame and BeachGirl

I knew a list would help me.
I still agree that I have a lot of relationships to tend, but I also see how, knowing me I CAN tend them well.

I took myself off the dating site. I had been taking week long breaks and this one has lasted 2 weeks and I have no desire to re-activate it. I like that a lot.
I would see BeachGirl, TallGuy and Fireman for a hangout/date to see if there's anything there, but I'm not looking for dates.

I recognize my luck, or something. I feel whatever the equivalent of #blessed is to normal people who don't use hashtags. I am grateful. Grateful. Grateful.
I feel loved.
I feel like I've found my people, for as long as those relationships last.
Things feel more settled, less frantic, less anxiety.

Dean is talking to a couple ladies and that make me smile.
We've had at least 3 bumps in the road and come out alright so far. Perhaps came out better than we were before the bumps. I explained to Dean how we are lucky, that a lot of mono couples who go poly don't have the experience we are.

I've made several new friends : Miami, Saturn, BoardGame, BeachGirl, Portland,MaidM

I've learned several lessons including being a freaking boundary making Queen!
I know what I want, I know what I don't want. I know how not to waste my time or others. I know asking for what I need isn't me being "intense". I know quickly how to tell if there's chemistry.
All the things I wished I had known when dating before.

Dean and I are also learning to navigate all the things. We are at a place now where we leave one another's relationships to one having them. He likes to know who I'm talking to and see a pic of anyone I'm gonna meet up with, but not in a way that feels controlling or anything negative. I let him know when people start to feel important to me.

We're working on how to introduce metamours. To be honest both times haven't been great. There's MyDate who while he was at my house to pick me up for our date met Dean...Dean compared himself to MyDate the whole time, thought he was nice and all, but wasn't like "oh, he's cool, we could be friends". I don't expect Dean to be friends with every person I bring into my life, but I want it for sure. Maybe it's a fantasy.

Dean met Sir at a party where Sir and I had no concrete intention of flirting the whole party, but it just happened organically, wonderfully. So Dean met him, but was having insecurities and we were at a party with mostly strangers so his introversion was showing in the form of anxiety. Since I was talking to Sir so much I wasn't there for Dean to help him navigate the social situation and I think it was good for him, even if it was uncomfortable. He has to be his own grownup.
Dean said Sir was cool though and he could see himself liking him. This is especially important to me because Sir is important to me.

Canada, Dean and I had a funny moment the other night all laughing over a story that Canada was telling me. Canada is in Canada, I've never had a LDR before, we connected deep and fast and are slowing things down for a list of reasons. I mentioned to Canada that he could meet Dean via Skype or something before he visits.

Dean and I talked last night after a great night of connecting, he agrees that SoulSister is part of our family. My, our relationship with her can't be fit into a tidy box. It just is. We just love.

I got closure with BlueEyes recently, took my power back. Set excellent healthy boundaries.
I stopped dating MyDate. He didn't give me what I needed, didn't even try. I don't understand him or what he's doing. I just know he's not the partner for me.

Things are good.

I have list of some things I'm looking into now, trying to learn from other peoples mistakes, take time to get good advice before we cross more bridges like sleepovers, actual committed relationships, meeting/hanging out with metamours, the kids stuff.

I've made mistakes. I bad mouthed BlueEyes to Dean, to the point that even if BE did a 180 I still wouldn't feel good about continuing a relationship with him. I won't do that twice. I'm not saying BE didn't deserve it, I'm not saying Dean wasn't just being protective of me and my heart when I wasn't going to do it. I am saying I handled it poorly. Lessons learned.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top