One of my friends and her boyfriend were trying to be poly with me… and I feel like I ruined everything.

[Deleted member 411770]

Hi everyone,

So this year has been a lot for me. Back in January I met this girl. I’m a girl and we are all in our early 20s btw.And we started a friendship we started to hangout a lot and it was great. Until this one night back in February. I went to her apartment and her and her boyfriend wanted to do a drug. And we all did it. We were laying in bed and she told her boyfriend to start cuddling with me. And she didn’t ask if I would be okay with it. I thought that was really weird. He was really touchy and she was too. I couldn’t help but feel confused and uncomfortable from that night. I still hung out with them after that. She would bring up polyamory and her bisexuality in our conversations a lot so I thought she was trying to hint something at me. So one day I decided to text her all of my feelings about that night and our relationship in general. I basically told her that I was only looking for a platonic relationship with her. And that I was uncomfortable by that night. And that we needed boundaries. Also that I feel like she has been trying to hint something at me. She responded saying that her and her boyfriend spread platonic love that way. And that sorry I was confused by everything and I was wrong . And she also said that she’s just open about talking about her sexual life. I got embarrassed by her response for some reason. Anyways we talked everything out via text.

And I thought we were fine. I did not want our friendship to end. But she decided to ghost me. I let her know that I was going out of town. And she told me to text her when I got back so I did. I texted her about four times back in April. And she never answered any of my texts. The way she decided to ghost me devastated me. I was so upset and depressed about it. And I’ve lost friendships before and usually I can move on but with this one it was different. Since she’s ghosted me I’ve had lots of time to reflect on our relationship. And I realized that I have love for her and her boyfriend. We all had some really intimate moments together. And that night was the most intimate moment that we had and it just made me so confused. So that’s why I confronted her and I told her that I was uncomfortable. But I realize since then that I wasn’t really uncomfortable I was just confused. And since they didn’t communicate with me how was I supposed to know what they really wanted? The cuddling was nice it was almost beautiful. I have really never had that kinda intimacy ever in my life. I was so vulnerable with them.

They also made me feel heard and loved. I’m pretty sure they wanted something more with me. They just didn’t know how to communicate it with me. I miss her so much like everyday since she ghosted me. She has not tried contacting me at all for 3 months. It just hurts Because she told me she loved me. And she told me I was one of her soulmates. So I’m so confused on why she hurt me so much. Like now I realized that I am open to exploring love with the 2 of them. But we never even got to talk about it. Like what can I do now? I guess nothing but move on right? I feel like I ruined everything.

 

[Inaniel]

First of all you didn’t ruin anything!

I think this might be a good opportunity to learn something about yourself and move on. Regardless of how you feel now, your friends were pushy and ultimately unkind to you, and during a time when you needed to be heard…

I know you are grieving the loss of these friendships, but there is no going back. The trauma and mistreatment have occurred and it can’t be undone. I highly recommend not trying to rekindle something with these specific ex-friends.

The silver lining is that you grew from this experience and now understand your feelings around polyamory a lot better than you did before. This will put you in a position to respond in a way that is more true to your feelings next time a poly situation comes up, or even when you decide to materialize one for yourself.

There really is no good reason to ghost a friend for bringing up legitimate concerns about sex and intimacy. You did not ruin anything, they did.

 

[icesong]

Honestly *you* took the better path, here - polyamory requires honestly and communication and that's something your (now former?) friends didn't give you. I don't buy for a second that they were trying to be platonic, I think they were 100% hitting on you and when you said you weren't interested she walked it back to "oh, I didn't mean it like THAT"...

In short, @Inaniel is right, you didn't ruin it, they did.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am very sorry this happened.

We were laying in bed and she told her boyfriend to start cuddling with me. And she didn’t ask if I would be okay with it. I thought that was really weird. He was really touchy and she was too. I couldn’t help but feel confused and uncomfortable from that night.

Rightly so. Nobody asked your consent.

This isn't doing poly, this is trying to have some kind of threesome experiment-y thing. Which is find to do, but only if all the participants are joyfully consenting. Which did not happen here.

So one day I decided to text her all of my feelings about that night and our relationship in general. I basically told her that I was only looking for a platonic relationship with her. And that I was uncomfortable by that night. And that we needed boundaries. Also that I feel like she has been trying to hint something at me.

Good. You spoke your truth.

She responded saying that her and her boyfriend spread platonic love that way. And that sorry I was confused by everything and I was wrong . And she also said that she’s just open about talking about her sexual life.

She and her BF do drugs with people and then when people are high, get handsy with them? This is their idea of "spreading platonic love?"
This is not platonic. This sounds like taking advantage of people when they are vulnerable to me.

I also see no actual apology from her. Just excuses for her/their behavior and saying she's sorry YOU were confused. Like something is wrong with your feelings rather than her behavior. Mostly this sounds like blame shifting to me. Rather than a real apology and taking personal responsibility for her actions.

I feel like I ruined everything.

I don't think you ruined anything. I think you were being love bombed. And taken advantage of.

So now you feel confused these people would do this to you, because you thought they were your friends.

IME, when words and actions don't match? Believe actions. Talk is cheap.

They also made me feel heard and loved. I’m pretty sure they wanted something more with me. They just didn’t know how to communicate it with me.

She's so open talking about her sexuality that she can't get around to actually asking you if you are up for a threesome cuddle whatever thing? She just starts telling her BF to lay hands on you? And he does it without asking you if that is ok with you?

When you said you felt like she has been trying to hint something? She could have been up front and said "Yes, I was hinting. I'm sorry. I could have been more up front. I'm interested in you and would like to know if you want to try dating both me and my BF."

Cuz she's so open and all about her sexuality.

Don't make excuses for people who are behaving fresh.

She has not tried contacting me at all for 3 months. It just hurts Because she told me she loved me. And she told me I was one of her soulmates. So I’m so confused on why she hurt me so much. Like now I realized that I am open to exploring love with the 2 of them. But we never even got to talk about it. Like what can I do now? I guess nothing but move on right? I feel like I ruined everything.

To me it sounds like they came on heavy, eventually offered you drugs, got handsy, and didn't really own it when you told them you didn't like them skipping asking for consent and wanted some boundaries in place. You were willing to continue the friendship if boundaries were respected.

Then they ghosted. Maybe to go look for a new, easier target that doesn't have any boundaries.

Sigh. This is not a great experience. Again, I'm sorry this happened.

Like now I realized that I am open to exploring love with the 2 of them. But we never even got to talk about it. Like what can I do now? I guess nothing but move on right? I feel like I ruined everything.

For ethical non-monogamy, honest and clear communication is required. And you weren't getting that here.

If anything, they ruined it with you by not asking up front if you'd be interested, and not asking for consent. Instead they got handsy and fresh with you.

If you want to explore healthy poly, you can do that with other people. Choose healthy poly partners though. Be up front about what you seek, and spend some time with your potentials. Date without any drinking or drugs. Get a little more firm about consent. If people start "hinting" just ask straight up. "Are you hinting at X? I prefer people ask me things up front."

Don't get caught up in the novelty of a potential threesome either. Group sex isn't required in polyamory. And intense sex can sometimes come with a lot of brain chemistry dump that can feel like a high from drinking or drugs.

I've given this to all my kids. I don't know if it might help you better navigate dating in your 20s and being able to do both -- say "yes" AND say "no" with more confidence.

S.E.X., second edition: The All-You-Need-To-Know Sexuality Guide to Get You Through Your Teens and Twenties: Corinna, Heather: 9780738218847: Amazon.com: Books

S.E.X., second edition: The All-You-Need-To-Know Sexuality Guide to Get You Through Your Teens and Twenties [Corinna, Heather] on Amazon.com. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers. S.E.X., second edition: The All-You-Need-To-Know Sexuality Guide to Get You Through Your Teens and Twenties

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Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello youngandconfused,

I am sorry you have gone through this. I am also not pleased that your friend ghosted you. You did nothing wrong. And I know it doesn't feel like this, but you probably dodged a bullet. Someone who would ghost you like that, for no knowable reason, is that the kind of person that would make a good friend? let alone a good romantic partner. You have discovered that you are okay with polyamory, they did that much for you. Now you can embark on the lifelong journey of seeking the right kind of partners for you. Partners who will communicate transparently with you. Partners who will ask you for your consent. Partners who won't lie to you about their hopes and intentions. I suppose there is a chance that there was a misunderstanding of some kind, and if so, you could keep trying to contact your (ex-?) friend, either by text or by voicemail, or both. But you must decide how long you want to keep doing that, how long or how many times. The truth is, you may already be done with them in your heart.

Communication is of utmost importance in polyamory. After what you have been through, you can see why. Your friend and her boyfriend made moves on you without communicating with you. You tried to communicate with them. They responded dishonestly. Now they are refusing to communicate with you at all. Such lack of communication is itself what ruins a (potential) poly relationship. Try not to be hard on yourself. You were the one who was trying to lay the right foundation for a closer relationship. And they responded by pulling away from you. Not cool on their part.

I hope you can heal from this heartache.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[TXretired]

Welcome and sorry for the issues they created. As you can see from all of the folks above, this was NOT your failure. They sprung this on you under the guise of love. Then use drugs to get you more “relaxed”.

Ghosting sucks. It is usually because the party can not handle reality and deal with things in a mature manner.

 

[MeeraReed]

I had a friend who ghosted me when I was going through a rough time. I thought she was a really good friend, one of the best friends I'd ever had. I missed her fiercely for a long time, and felt like it was my fault I'd pushed her away. I kept thinking I'd ruined it by leaning on her too much.

But in reality, when I examine my memories of my friendship with her, she wasn't a very good friend to me. She was often rude and dismissive of me and my problems. She blatantly preferred other people in our friend group over me. She was a lot of fun but she was never kind. In fact, she was often very UNkind to me.

But during the time that I missed her, I didn't think about the unkind things, only about the good times we'd had and how I'd ruined everything. How I must have done something REALLY awful to deserve being completely ghosted by one of my closest friends.

Of course, how did I ruin anything? By being myself? By asking for help/advice when I going through a rough time? No, of course not. I didn't ruin anything. I certainly didn't do anything to warrant being ghosted out of the blue by a friend I'd known for years.

I think she was never really my friend and never really liked me much. That was a hard realization to get to. It's still a hard realization to live with.

Was our friendship totally false? I have no idea! I'll never know. That's sad. But I have other friends. I made new friends, and I still make new friends.

I think your friend was a complete jerk and you deserve SO much better. I think the other posters on this thread have called it right. She and her boyfriend were hitting on you, in a really creepy way that ignored your consent, and when you pushed back, she tried to tell you that you just imagined it. Then she ghosted you.

That says everything about her and nothing about you.

You didn't "ruin" anything. They made you uncomfortable, and you stood up for yourself. They're going to move on to a girl who won't stand up for herself.

I don't think you really have "love" for her and her boyfriend. Remember how uncomfortable they made you. That was your gut, telling you you weren't into it.

I think you feel lonely and sad right now. You miss her and you're thinking, Maybe I loved her, maybe this could have gone a different way. But in reality, she made you uncomfortable and she wasn't very nice to you.

You can make new friends. You can go on dates. You can try dating poly people if you want to (if that's something you really want). But it should not be these two jackasses.

 

[HaloOnFire]

I cannot add anything else that everyone else has not already told you. Other than to say that I am sorry this happened to you and I hope you find peace and better opportunities for more meaningful relationships.

 

[Magdlyn]

It really sucks to be ghosted on, especially by people you thought were real friends! There's no sense of closure. I'm sorry you went through that.