One on one time advice

[mommysprig16]

I'm really struggling in my triad. I've been the third in a closed triad for almost 2 years now, living together a year and a half. Let me start by saying that I already have some issues with intimacy, sex, and affection.

Our sex life has been on a constant decline since I moved in with them. GF only wants us to have threesomes, no one on one time. She says she understands that I want time alone with both of them, but then gets mad if BF and I do anything without her, even when she and I have alone time also. I honestly do not feel comfortable with only threesomes all the time. I feel zero intimacy when we're all together. Its more of just fun when its the 3 of us. I've been craving the one on one intimacy for so long. It literally makes my stomach cramp. I'm to the point of avoiding any tv shows or movies with very sexual scenes, I avoid the mention of sex or even flirting too much with them, we've gone as long as 2 months without sex and throughout the whole time I wasn't even able to masterbate because of how the thought of sex was stressing me out. I know part of the problem was my anxiety and panic disorders, but I've had my meds adjusted recently and I'm still having this problem.

I can't handle only group sex, but I can't handle GF only being ok with her and I having alone time. If BF and I have alone time, she gets upset and pretends she isn't. And she's constantly pissed off at BF, seemingly for no reason, which just being totally honest, completely turns me off our together time even more.

 

[vinsanity0]

Hi and welcome. First off, I'll say none of this is your fault. You are doing nothing wrong. I feel the same way about threesomes. Good fun, but would be tedious to only have sex that way.

You say you are in a triad, but you're not really. Triads don't have thirds. You are in a couple + 1. You are the plus one, aka The Unicorn aka the hot bi babe the couple was seeking.

In a real triad you would have a say in decisions. Instead, your sex life is being dictated by an insecure, jealous wife (or equivalent). And let me guess, the two of them get their alone sex time, am I right?

So what can you do about that? You have to stand up for your rights. If you can't get satisfaction then maybe it's time to leave.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I feel zero intimacy when we're all together. Its more of just fun when its the 3 of us. I've been craving the one on one intimacy for so long. It literally makes my stomach cramp. ...I've had my meds adjusted recently and I'm still having this problem.

Medication is a life saver sometimes, but it sounds like right now you're trying to override some valuable communication from your body and from your feelings. Why would you increase your medication to get rid of anxiety that is clearly telling you what you value and what you do not want? Your increased anxiety and intensifying cramps are speaking to you loud and clear. How did you come to be in a situation in which what you value does not matter?

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry this is happening.

Let me see if I get this right. Blue is mine.

GF only wants us (You and the BF) to have threesomes (with her), no one on one time (where it is just you and BF) .

She says she understands that I want time alone with both of them, but then gets mad if BF and I do anything without her, even when she and I have alone time also.

If so? How about you and BF have time alone whenever you and BF want since this is a triad?

And if she choose to be mad about it? Y'all just let her be mad?

He could deal with her being mad by telling her this IS a triad, and she needs to work on her stuff and learn the share time. You could tell her same.

Like each one carries their OWN emotional baggage. Rather than expecting the other people to carry it.

I can't handle only group sex, but I can't handle GF only being ok with her and I having alone time.

So how is she going to become ok with it, if it never happens so she's challenged and she has to figure out how deal with it?

Right now it sounds like you and BF avoid addressing the disparity. Instead you both make it so she never has to face her jealous feelings or do her personal work.

You are not being mean to her if you and BF share sex on your own on that side of the triangle. (You and her) have time alone. Presumably (him and her) have time alone. If (you and him) also have time alone? It's not like a SURPRISE in a triad. You each are simply living triad life and spending time with each of your partners. Where is this horrible?

Or is this not actually a triad? But more like an "All Hail the Queen Bee?" V thing? With bonus group sex when the Queen Bee wants?

If a Queen Bee situation, and that's not something that turns you on... why are you participating in one of those then?

If BF and I have alone time, she gets upset and pretends she isn't. And she's constantly pissed off at BF, seemingly for no reason, which just being totally honest, completely turns me off our together time even more.

Ok. So GF can be upset then. And if her acting out at BF turns you off? So later when she wants to hand out or share sex? And you don't feel like it? Don't. You could say "Thanks, but not right now. I need some time alone to get over my own upset. I don't like seeing you behave like that." Let natural consequences follow.

What does she do to BF when she's upset? Like silent treatment or something? What does she do to you?

If basically she's SO annoying about it that it makes participating in this triad a PITA, you could ask for changes, just start living your life with BF and not let her moody dictate what happens in that leg of the triangle, move out so you don't have to watch her moody, and/or end it with them.

Because YOU can't keep being roomies with them while shrinking yourself in a box. That's not you living YOUR life.

You have to be able to say "I love you, but not even for you will I do things that hurt me."

And right now? (Trying to do a triad) while also (Living with them) and (shrinking yourself to a box) and (going around on tiptoe putting her wants ahead of everyone else) is causing you stress related health issues. You are putting yourself in a situation that is hurting you. That's not right.

Could pick one of those to change to alleviate some of your stress. Or pick several things to change. So something different happens rather than more of same ol' song, different day. Because the same ol' same ol' is causing you health problems.

I've been the third in a closed triad for almost 2 years now, living together a year and a half. Let me start by saying that I already have some issues with intimacy, sex, and affection.

Our sex life has been on a constant decline since I moved in with them.

So you've been struggling for 1.5 years? If so, I'm surprised. You live with two partners who've been watching you deal with severe anxiety and panic disorder stuff and mega stress for that long? And neither one inquires as to your well being?

What kind of quality partners are they? Do each one meet your personal standards for what you want in partner?

Are you keeping your upset hidden and stuffing it down? Does your behavior meet your personal standard for how you expect yourself to be in a relationship? Does your behavior meet your personal standard for how you expect you to care for yourself?

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello mommysprig16,

It seems to me that you do not necessarily object to threesomes per se, you just wish it wasn't *always* threesomes. You would like it if *some* of the time it was one on one -- with each of them of course, not just with your girlfriend. Honestly, from your post it sounded like your girlfriend is being a bit of a problem in general. But maybe that is because you were venting, I'll refrain from judging her for the moment. But you should stand up for your rights. Don't refrain from the one on one with your boyfriend just because *she* doesn't like it. Let her start getting used to it. The way things are now, it is starting to have a deleterious effect on your health. You can't go on this way. I can't tell how much of it is caused by you living with them, you might need to reassess that as well.

With regards and best wishes,
Kevin T.