Ongoing Update

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Sageflutterby

Member
I tried to do what everyone suggested and enjoy the period of calm. It lasted longer than I expected, to May from December.

But hinge went home and caught metamour crying in the shower, where she indicated that she's been wearing a game face since December and that she still doesn't want to share her partners with anyone else.

I've been over three times to the house since December. And I found myself dealing with an obsessive anxiety since she told him that because I was scared I was going to lose our relationship.

Additionally, in the beginning of the relationship, how the hinge kept our relationship protected was by stating since she had a relationship he wasn't going to close his relationships down. Metamour was attempting to end her other relationship and the conditional premises of last year were giving me anxiety.

That has been discussed and regardless of her relationship status, they have agreed he is not closing his relationship. I thought that sounded reasonable but hinge has made a statement when I was seeking reassurance that he "will not be her whipping boy and will protect our relationship". That both reassured me and scared me, because it indicates active resistance or continuing disagreement.

I had originally offered to pay for our polycule to get portraits. I didn't want my metamour to feel left out and when I asked hinge to do portraits with me and my other partner, I offered to pay for the sitting fees so hinge and metamour and her other partner could also get polycule portraits. I wanted them to feel included. She accepted the offer two weeks ago but last week said she didn't want to do portraits.

I am operating under the premise that I am not welcome in the home again and have resumed no contact.

I don't have any reason to write this, I can't think of any questions to ask for advice, to be truthful. I think I am journaling because I'm trying to get rid of this anxiety and to stabilize my urge to cry. I am in no doubt that the hinge loves me and will keep his promises.

I just can't reconcile that with my fear that she may threaten suicide again or that the emotional hostage situation may arise again. I think I'm trying to work through my fears because my own mother DID commit suicide when I was 16 and was very emotionally manipulative and abusive. I hope that I am not projecting. But suicide had such a strong impact on my life, that I've never been able to treat it as anything less than "this is real and it could happen" and I don't want to contribute to that.

I don't know how to battle the urge to give, my metamour's mental health is important to me because our hinge loves her. But I also have needs.

Hinge and I had some intense discussions last year that neither of us would break up with the other to protect each other from hurt. Hinge said he would not choose between either of us, that one of us could walk away but he wasn't going to shut one down over the other, as an attempt to reassure metamour that he would not abandon her. Ever.

And I cannot justify, when I am afraid of hinge walking away, the action of me walking away first. Because logically, if I am afraid of losing him, me walking away just means I lost him sooner because of my own actions.

I do not know how to fix this dissonance.

Metamour has gotten back together with her partner she was breaking up with, which hinge thinks prompted this roller coaster and mentioned they were trying for another three month chance. And I'm just trying to prepare myself for another roller coaster in three months. I think this will be the pattern and I'm wondering if I'm able to predict things if I can just shore up my own support and emotional and mental expectations that I can weather that pattern.

I am not a doctor and cannot diagnose mental health. I am using out of the fog and some ideas I saw used for Borderline Personality Disorder to adjust my perceptions, I know that hinge is and seems very much like a favorite person (metamour calls him her everything, provider and emotional stabilizer). I am trying to treat this as a situation with the same regard I would give someone else with a mental illness that might never recover and have canceled some of our time so that metamour can have mental support. I'm trying to be understanding.

I have another relationship, gaming, work and cleaning and all kinds of things to distract me. I don't know why I feel so needy. I wish I had some better coping methods for my own fear and anxiety.

I'm just venting, I think to try and get the deluge out so I can focus on work.
 
Hi Sageflutterby,

To me, it sounds like your metamour swings back and forth. For awhile she acts good. Then for awhile she acts horrible. Right now she is going through one of her horrible phases. My prediction is, that she will continue to swing back and forth. She will never stop swinging. This is what you'll have to deal with, from now on, unless you break up with your hinge and I don't think you want to do that. So my advice is, resign yourself to your metamour swinging back and forth, enjoy the good times while they last, while preparing yourself for the bad times that will inevitably come. The only thing that might change is that your metamour might stop swinging toward the good side, she might start acting worse and worse and not swing anymore. But I am keeping my fingers crossed that that won't happen.

I certainly don't agree with how your metamour is acting. She is being extremely unfair towards you. And she is a huge hypocrite for having a second partner of her own, while begrudging your hinge his relationship with you. She is also making herself a hostage by threatening suicide (I know she's not doing that this time around -- so far). And she is being cruel by making you feel unwelcome in her home. You haven't done anything wrong to deserve to be treated like this. It's no wonder you find yourself in need of venting, anyone would in your shoes. I wish I knew what to advise. All you can do is keep yourself distanced from her until she starts acting good again. You'll have to endure her wrath. Your hinge will have to endure her wrath. You'll have to worry that maybe he'll cave in. There's nothing more you can do, it's out of your hands.

And maybe you are hoping/wishing you could just get along, you are hoping/wishing you could all get along. And you are going the extra mile from your end, to do everything possible to accomodate her, and she's not at all appreciative. Well, maybe she'll be a little bit appreciative when she swings back to her good side again. If she swings back to her good side again. There's always that chance that this'll be the time when she stops swinging, that she'll stop in the midst of this horrible behavior. Which would almost be good because then you'd know what to expect, you wouldn't have to guess all the time. Is she really doing better this time, or is she just taping on a fake smile? How long before your hinge catches her crying in the shower? Basically, you can't trust her. And I think you want to trust her.

I hope this latest phase ends soon.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

FWIW, here's another POV to consider as you figure out what you want to be doing with this roller coaster: Go for more ride or get off.

I think my life is too short and too precious to resign myself to up and down mood swinging. I already did it as a child -- living with an unmanaged BPD parent. I had no choice. Children are dependents. They have to wait to grow up some before they can move out and get away. As an adult? I don't want to relive that again and I won't willingly get into a situation like that.

You sound like you clocked similar strain with your mom. And you don't want to go through that strain again.

Then why go through similar strain now being in a network with an unmanaged meta? :confused:

I think we all have to be able to say "I love you a whole lot. But not even for you will I put myself through strain like this and hurt myself." It keeps us from putting a relationship with a partner ahead of our own well being. I think it is a valuable skill. It's not healthy to subsume oneself to a relationship.

Here? You sound like you are hurting a lot and trying not to feel. :(

I'd say go ahead and cry rather than try to avoid crying. There's certainly stuff to cry about here. :(

I just can't reconcile that with my fear that she may threaten suicide again or that the emotional hostage situation may arise again. I think I'm trying to work through my fears because my own mother DID commit suicide when I was 16 and was very emotionally manipulative and abusive. I hope that I am not projecting. But suicide had such a strong impact on my life, that I've never been able to treat it as anything less than "this is real and it could happen" and I don't want to contribute to that.
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I have a former friend -- Leaf. He would do suicide gestures and it would cause me great anxiety and stress. I live far away. I am not of any use. I called his mother, who is local, and she thanked me. Leaf got mad I got his mother on his case.

I told him to stop calling me/contacting me to tantrum. Unless he was under management? I did not want to be friends. If he called me with suicide gestures again, I was calling his mother to go check on him AGAIN. So he knows what to expect. So if it was real he may as well call 911 from the beginning and get actual help. If it was tantrum? Just don't call me. Then I don't call his mom. Tantrum elsewhere.

I basically broke up with him as friends. It felt bad for a while, because any break up sucks. But now I feel fine. I am glad I don't have to deal with the drama any more. I am free from it.

In this case? It is not the hinge who is ill but the meta. Do you think he's driving her to suicide with his "won't be her whipping boy" stuff? Is that why you are scared? That's not good. Makes you look at your partner different if he's doing that.

If you don't want to contribute to her pain or her killing herself? You could bow out and be gone. Then there is no way it was you. Additionally? You don't have to be hearing the latest installments of her up and down mood swings. YOU can be free of it. Regardless of what (him+her) keep doing -- healthy or not.

At this time?

  • She won't dump hinge and/or get health care.
  • Hinge won't break up with her until she gets health care.
  • Instead, he prefers to "fight" with a patient -- which to me seems mean. It's one thing to let go of the rope and expect the patient to be responsible for their own self and their own health care. It's another to fight with them and add to their load when they already struggle with mental health things.
  • You don't walk away even though staying there listening to all this stuff causes you GREAT strain. Which means YOU are not doing your best self care/health care either. :(

You cannot do anything about the other people's behavior. You do control your "staying-ness" behavior.

I don't know why I feel so needy. I wish I had some better coping methods for my own fear and anxiety.
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I don't think you sound needy. I think you have basic needs going unmet. You wish to be free of fear and free of anxiety. Being in this situation causes you frequent fear and anxiety.

One way to cope with fear and anxiety is to get away from the things that make you fearful/anxious. You could consider leaving this situation.

Hinge and I had some intense discussions last year that neither of us would break up with the other to protect each other from hurt.
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This makes no sense to me. I don't like hurting. If I put my hand on a hot stove? I am going to take my hand off so I stop hurting. I am not going to promise to keep my hand ON the stove. I'm also not gonna be in a relationship where I have to watch my partner put their hand on a hot stove over and over and promise not to leave even though they won't quit doing it.

I think it is ok to break up with someone to protect MY OWN SELF from more hurt.

At any rate, you kept the promise not to break up for a year. It's ok for things to change. You can say "I can no longer keep this promise. I am breaking up with you now. I can take no more."

It is ok to hit your limit of tolerance.

And I cannot justify, when I am afraid of hinge walking away, the action of me walking away first. Because logically, if I am afraid of losing him, me walking away just means I lost him sooner because of my own actions.

I do not know how to fix this dissonance.
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To me it is more like "I cannot justify staying longer when this situation is making me so stressed/anxious and on edge. I am not able to live joyfully. I'm also afraid of him dumping me. To solve all those things -- the stress, the anxiety, the fear of a break up? I'm going to walk away first and get it over with. It sucks to break up, but then all my suffering can STOP and I can be FREE."

I would say (telling him you can no longer keep that promise not to break up and you walking away) DOES fix the dissonance. It resolves the problem and concludes. It's no longer "up in the air" but solved: You end things with him so you can be free of this situation that causes you suffering.

I think it is ok to take matters into your own hands and end it with him. It gets you OUT of this crazy mess. You have clocked enough time in it without seeing any real changes or progress. You could accept this is all you get here and will get here if you stay. It's ok to decide it's not a great situation for you.

Maybe it's time to stop worrying about her and her health problems and do what YOU need to be healthy and ok? I don't think staying in this is health promoting for you.


Galagirl
 
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I hear you, Kevin.

And I hear you, Galagirl.

I could agree with your point (Galagirl) except I don't feel like I would be free of hurt. I feel like I would only be trading one hurt for another.

I do not want to try polyamory again. My ill luck with metamours makes me distinctly opposed to trying again. I do not like the facets of my relationships feeling outside my control. It feels like if I am a good partner, that I should be rewarded with a good relationship, not punished by a third party's spillover.

I have taken down my fetlife profiles and my dating profiles. I did so after I broke off my fourth relationship attempt. Polyamory brings wonderful gifts but the cost is too high in terms of dynamics and suppressing things.

If I walk away from Awpti, then I'm losing something I value greatly. I don't subscribe to soul mates or one true loves. Neither do I subscribe to the idea that many fish in the sea means easily replaceable partners (not that you suggested that, one of my dates did).

What I have discovered in my current relationship are things I thought were only fantasies in romantic literature that I read while growing up. I set aside those books because I thought they were ruining my capacity to have a realistic relationship. Then along came Awpti and I found out those stupid books weren't fairy tales, they were merely very rare situations and compatibles made common by lots of writers.

I just need to find a way to manage my fears, and I think this will work. I just don't know the path yet. My other partner, my foster son and my work compatriot have been working to stabilize me emotionally all day.

And I have been finally able to get some back and forth discussion with Awpti. I'm trying not to burden him as he just started a new job and I know it must be stressful being a hinge between two emotional partners. He says he's not stressed but I'm trying to rein in my needs because I feel that's what a good partner should do.

The problem is me and my fears. Awpti has kept all his promises. The only cancellations have been me suggesting them to support metamour's breakdown earlier this week.

I am so comforted, even if I don't enact the advice, by the continued support of this forum (Galagirl and Kevin). The understanding means a lot to me, to not feel alone in my struggles. Thank you for loaning me your light and advice.
 
Glad you feel comforted by airing out some.

I think when all the choices stink? I could go with the least stinky choice then. You have to figure out which "hurt" is the least stinky to you.

And I have been finally able to get some back and forth discussion with Awpti. I'm trying not to burden him as he just started a new job and I know it must be stressful being a hinge between two emotional partners. He says he's not stressed but I'm trying to rein in my needs because I feel that's what a good partner should do.
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I guess you could be more honest with Awpti about what is going on with you if you are going to remain here. Stop reining in so much if doing that adds to your stress. And believe him if he says he is not stressed and that he can handle it.

Galagirl
 
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Unpleasant Options

kdt26417 said:
Hi Sageflutterby,

My prediction is, that she will continue to swing back and forth. She will never stop swinging. This is what you'll have to deal with, from now on...
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Sageflutterby

I agree with Kevin. In my youth I was in a mono relationship with a woman who sounds just like your meta. I was desperately in love with her. She was a truly wonderful person in most aspects, except for the emotional roller coaster that our relationship proved to be. Breaking up with her felt like cutting off a limb, but luckily I found the strength to do it for my own emotional health. At some point if your hinge does not end this, your only option for self preservation may be to sever yourself from the entire relationship.

Northerner
 
First, you really need to stop "poking the bear," as in
Sageflutterby said:
I had originally offered to pay for our polycule to get portraits.
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Even in your recounting, my intuition says it looks like she's trying to take responsibility for her own feelings/needs, but it's YOU who isn't getting the message. Not everyone buys into the "polycule"notion, & I don't see why it has any need to be universal.

Think of Xmas sweaters: there's many people who really enjoy the darned things, wear theirs proudly, & may even have collections. Other people think they're just garish & that to wear one would be self-uglifying, at best drawing attention to themselves for no good reason. You keep trying to give her sweaters, which she will then feel obligated to wear so as not to seem to be snubbing you, yet wearing one would be self-inflicted pain.

Sageflutterby said:
I am trying to treat this as a situation with the same regard I would give someone else with a mental illness
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"I am not a doctor BUT here is my diagnosis of how SHE is refusing to accept my diagnosis, causing ME pain."

It's YOUR expectations that are causing you problems. That's something you CAN fix.

Sageflutterby said:
I broke off my fourth relationship attempt. Polyamory brings wonderful gifts but the cost is too high in terms of dynamics and suppressing things.
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I knew a Realtor, who told me that in his experience people ought to view at least ten houses before beginning to head toward a final decision, because unless they'd bought a few properties in the past they simply didn't know very well what it was they were actually looking for, & needed to develop an intuitive grasp for what they needed, what they found "interesting" but not exactly what they saw, & what they wanted to avoid. He didn't want to arm-twist people into settling for "good enough."

And he said they almost always gave up & bought house #4. They settled for "okay, sorta" rather than put effort into finding "perfect."

It sounds like you're settling, & avoiding personal responsibility for accepting "okay, sorta." Again: that's something YOU can fix.
 
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