Online Dating Finding Poly.

Gria2004

New member
Not sure we’re to post this. I’m not new to poly at all. Have date a few different poly people. I have been single for about two years now and been trying to date but find it much harder then before let alone finding someone poly. I work nights, don’t bar hop anymore, and want a poly relationship again so I have been trying online dating again after finding one successful poly relationship on there. That lasted 4 months. Distance and time zone got in the way.

Anyway back to my problem. I been having a really hard time finding someone to date let alone poly. I can date monogamous and be just as happy poly as long as the person open, nice, and I’m attracted to them. But I feel in the last few years online dating has changed. The only thing guys want right away is sex or Netflix and chill. Forget about getting to know someone. Like hi I’m blank and who are you? They give first name but don’t think about asking anything other then sex or there gone. It’s really frustrating. On top of that I’m finding it even harder to find someone poly. So again frustrating.

I have tried okcupid, pof, feeld, tinder, fetlife, and few others. I live in a smaller town. Well not so small about 8,279 and live right on the border of the next town 10,695 so about 18,974 together. Lots of guys come here for work so it’s much more. I have found three poly relationship even if we’re not together anymore. I was happy at one time with them and been missing everything to do with it. I want to find poly again or someone date so bad that my skin tingles when I think about this. But I’m finding it so hard. So I’m need some help and advice.
 
If you're consistently attracting the wrong people through online dating, perhaps your profile(s) contain some misunderstandable wording you don't realise is there. Can you paste the text here for us to look at?
 
Well

Here is the one I have a few places. Hi, I'm single, never been married,and don't have any kids. Kind, curious, loyal, sweet, goodhearted, romantic, and very open person.

I'm just here trying to find my better half who complements me and I him. The guy I'm hoping to meet has his act together and is happy in his life but knows his best friend is still out there. Someone who honest, caring, make me laugh, willing to try new thing, travel, and just be happy to spend a night at home doing nothing but being together. Just don't message me then change your mind when I want to know about you. I'm looking for serious commitment here.

On my fetlife.
Hi I'm a 33 year old female who will hopefully find what I am looking for here. I'm single, poly, heteroflexible, never been married,and don't have any kids. Kind, curious, loyal, sweet, goodhearted, romantic, and very open person. Have dated poly and monogamous before and would like to find the right person or persons whoever fits well. I would love to find someone who is into what I'm in to so if you would like to know more then message me and I would love to have a conversation with you. If you can't tell all ready that I'm a very bad speller and grammar person. Looking for my life partner and who complements me. Weather that be a guy, a couple, or two guys, or just a girl.
 
Married2Freedom

Here is the one I have a few places. Hi, I'm single, never been married,and don't have any kids. Kind, curious, loyal, sweet, goodhearted, romantic, and very open person.

I'm just here trying to find my better half who complements me and I him. The guy I'm hoping to meet has his act together and is happy in his life but knows his best friend is still out there. Someone who honest, caring, make me laugh, willing to try new thing, travel, and just be happy to spend a night at home doing nothing but being together. Just don't message me then change your mind when I want to know about you. I'm looking for serious commitment here.

On my fetlife.
Hi I'm a 33 year old female who will hopefully find what I am looking for here. I'm single, poly, heteroflexible, never been married,and don't have any kids. Kind, curious, loyal, sweet, goodhearted, romantic, and very open person. Have dated poly and monogamous before and would like to find the right person or persons whoever fits well. I would love to find someone who is into what I'm in to so if you would like to know more then message me and I would love to have a conversation with you. If you can't tell all ready that I'm a very bad speller and grammar person. Looking for my life partner and who complements me. Weather that be a guy, a couple, or two guys, or just a girl.

Well I am a 56 year old who is new to this but willing to give it a go also. Dating sites IMHO attract a lot od people with personality disorders. To me being married2freedom means exactly that and not some throw away line to be debated after a relationship starts
 
I wish I had some advice for you because then I'd take it for myself. I live in a county that has over a million people in it. It's still hard. I'm a guy and I am finding that women my age (55) seem to be all about the sex. This is especially true if they are already in one relationship.

BTW, I am still unclear as to what "Netflix and chill" means. Is that a code for something other than staying in and watching a movie on TV?
 
BTW, I am still unclear as to what "Netflix and chill" means. Is that a code for something other than staying in and watching a movie on TV?


I was under the impression that it was code for sex.

Gria, that is the curse of online dating sites. The good guys are hard to find because of the number of jerks, and women are hard to find because they are tired of sorting through the jerks. I know txgirl had pretty good luck when she was doing it. I'll ping her and see if she has some tips for you.

Part of the answer is maximizing your efficiency. That means delete anything that comes in your message box that doesn't meet some minimum requirement. While it sucks for guys not to get a response (I always appreciate a "thank you for the message but I'm not interested), I do know that even that kind of response can generate extra hate mail so it's not a big deal not to get one.
 
Hello.

I used OKC and Tinder. I had success with both dating site/apps. I was looking for Polyish relationships also. I would make it clear in my profile that I wanted a good conversationalist. I was not looking for sex or a hookup. If I were you, I'd also put some of your rules/requirements:

I will not meet you in person, if we have only been chatting for a few weeks.
I will not respond, if you send me something inappropriate.
The first time we meet, must be a date in a public place.

I think you should put more information about you in your profile. Such as, what is the first date type of setting you enjoy?

Now reality is, most guys will swipe and match you. They will not take the time to read your profile. The creeps will still message you the same and the good ones will take time. You might be scaring good ones off by saying you want commitment. They may think you are needy.

I hope it works out for you and you find the person(s) who can make you happy.
 
Hi Gria2004,

Sorry you're having some frustrating times trying to find a poly to date. I tried OKC about ten years ago, and didn't have much luck. I think it is hard to find what you're looking for no matter which site you go through. What about the idea of meeting people face-to-face? Like, maybe there's a group you can join that does something you're interested in. This way you can meet some new friends, and who knows, in time someone could become more than just a friend. It would be a slow, painstaking process but maybe it would save you some of the online headache. In any case, I hope you have better luck in the future.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I will not meet you in person, if we have only been chatting for a few weeks.
I will not respond, if you send me something inappropriate.
The first time we meet, must be a date in a public place.

Meeting in a public place is just common sense. But a few weeks? That seems like a long time. IME, I can"t really get a good sense of a person until I meet them in person.
 
I thought the same thing, but I imagine that's just a ballpark number and not a hard rule. Probably depends on how well the conversation goes, how responsive they're both able to be. If you can only find time (or remember) to pick up your phone and text or use the app to send the message once or twice a day, a conversation can take awhile to really develop.

Your profile is fine. I've been on the online dating scene for basically my whole adult life. The problem is that plenty of guys suck and want to immediately move to having sex, as you stated. I'm not immune from that either, I'm totally interested in jumping in to that as quick as the other person is comfortable with doing so.

However, the guys who ghost you after it becomes clear you're not going to screw in the first day or 2 are missing a big picture - Talking to people and getting to know them. Even if all you're looking for is something casual, I think getting to know the person and developing a friendship makes the sex way better. And if you are actually looking to date, then just have a little bit of patience. We don't have to have sex on the first date :\ if things are going well, that'll happen anyway.



I am BI, so I've tried to talk to men as well myself. I have a very thoroughly filled out Fetlife and OkCupid profile, and honestly most men just ignore me. Plenty of women do too, but I get a lot more of a response rate from women than I do from men. I don't know what it is. Heck I've even tried just throwing myself at some guys I've matched with and not gotten anything back, so sometimes guys are just freakin weird and dumb.

Just keep at it, you'll find someone eventually. I was single for nearly 2 years before I had my most recent girlfriend, which lasted 7 months. I think you're gonna come out the other side soon!
 
Meeting in a public place is just common sense. But a few weeks? That seems like a long time. IME, I can"t really get a good sense of a person until I meet them in person.

By waiting a few weeks you see who is interested in a relationship and not just a quick hookup.

You can alter that as you see the level of attention and connection you have with them.
 
By waiting a few weeks you see who is interested in a relationship and not just a quick hookup.

You can alter that as you see the level of attention and connection you have with them.

Oh, I'd be fine with waiting a few weeks, or even months, to have sex with someone after I've met them. I would just get bored with texting for that long, especially with someone I don't really know. I'm not a big texter. I'm also not that great with getting a read on someone through texting, so to speak.

I'm also not sure why I'm rambling on about this...lol. I think we all pick some arbitrary things. I know I have a few of them myself.
 
Thanks

Thank you for the message. Yes it is very frustrating online dating let alone trying to find someone poly in a smaller town. I don’t know what I was trying to find out of this maybe a magic answer.
 
Meeting in a public place is just common sense. But a few weeks? That seems like a long time. IME, I can"t really get a good sense of a person until I meet them in person.

My experience on OKC, I would get 40-50+ messages a day. Most are crap and want just sex. I would pick a few that I thought were promising and start messaging. I didn't have time to meet all of them in person. It was a matter of seeing if we could find anything in common, interests, how good the conversation flowed, etc.
 
Here is the one I have a few places. Hi, I'm single, never been married,and don't have any kids. Kind, curious, loyal, sweet, goodhearted, romantic, and very open person.

I'm just here trying to find my better half who complements me and I him. The guy I'm hoping to meet has his act together and is happy in his life but knows his best friend is still out there. Someone who honest, caring, make me laugh, willing to try new thing, travel, and just be happy to spend a night at home doing nothing but being together. Just don't message me then change your mind when I want to know about you. I'm looking for serious commitment here.

On my fetlife.
Hi I'm a 33 year old female who will hopefully find what I am looking for here. I'm single, poly, heteroflexible, never been married,and don't have any kids. Kind, curious, loyal, sweet, goodhearted, romantic, and very open person. Have dated poly and monogamous before and would like to find the right person or persons whoever fits well. I would love to find someone who is into what I'm in to so if you would like to know more then message me and I would love to have a conversation with you. If you can't tell all ready that I'm a very bad speller and grammar person. Looking for my life partner and who complements me. Weather that be a guy, a couple, or two guys, or just a girl.

I think in your OKC profile "looking for my better half" is misleading. If there are just 2 halves, that isn't polyamory, that is monogamy. Also, you seem to be saying "I'm not that great of a person, please be better than me." You may be putting out some kind of compliment, but I think it can be construed as low self esteem.

Your Fet profile seems more honest since you mention polyamory, at least.

I've just noticed a huge drop in my messages on OKC. I am 62 so I don't get 40 messages a day. More like 10-20 a week. But they suddenly stopped. I've asked another friend who is getting back into dating and back on OKC and he said it's now required you pay to join to be able to message and receive messages. That should cut down on the jerks. I'd imagine the young lower income douchebag college boys, frat assholes can't afford to pay the $ just so they can say, "Got kik?" and send a dick pic.

Even worse than men who just want sex (after all, real relationships can start casual and turn more serious) are the ones who act like they want to meet, but really just want to turn the conversation sexual to make their masturbation more pleasurable. (Unless that's all you're seeking as well! There were times I just wanted some of that, years ago.)

I've met both my current partners on OKC. Pixi 9 years ago, Kahlo 5 months ago (though he started messaging me a few months before that... I was ill undergoing chemotherapy but he kept in touch until I was well enough to meet. :eek::eek::eek: )

Both are poly. But good lord I've waded through hundreds if not thousands of jerks in the past decade, and I'm talking the ones I've actually chatted with, or even gone on bad first dates with, not the ones whose messages I've immediately deleted.
 
I will join in here just to say, I have only been on OKC for a couple of weeks, but as a guy it seems very, very difficult now with the way it is set up. The only way to guarantee someone will even see your message is if you have a "match" first meaning you both liked each other. If you like and message them first, they have to come across your profile at random in order to see the message.

In my town, I only had a dozen or so reasonable matches, all of which I already messaged (something thoughtful and polite) and have received zero responses. I branched out and started messaging people from all over my state, still nothing.

I understand it is overwhelming for women on there, but they've made it impossible for any decent guy to get through to them. I have asked around and people still seem to think that OKC is the best option, especially for non-monogamous dating. So I guess I just need to give it more time?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯
 
I would guess that if you like someone, it priorities it in their review list. That seems to have been the case previously.
 
@ MockingJay ... What about getting a paid OKC account, would that help?
 
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