Online play

Dh505

New member
So recently I learned my wife of over 10 years has been playing online with other people it shouldn't bother me but it does because I didn't know about it and wish she would direct some of that to me but also it feels like she was hiding it. My fault for not going yea those are the toys chatturbate streamers use, because she told me she got them when she did but I guess really just didn't put 2 and 2 together am I dumb for feeling something about this.
 

Evie

Well-known member
You're totally fine to feel what you're feeling. Sounds like you were a little blindsided, even though it probably wasn't deliberate, or if it was, maybe it was out of a sense of protecting your feelings, your relationship or perhaps that she really didn't see whomever she was talking to as anything more than a masturbatory aid and so didn't bother to disclose since it's not going anywhere on an interpersonal level. But fair enough that you'd like some of her sexual attention, too, unless you had a previous agreement that sex was not part of your relationship. If it is, then have you (either or both) been taking it for granted? And therefore it's lost some spark?

Thing is, so much is often unspoken in a relationship. Like, we play by societal rules that we've kind of absorbed over the years and accepted without really questioning them. But then we perhaps question some of those and even open the relationship up beyond absolute monogamy, but we don't actually know all the possible things that could trip us up as we figure it out. Sure, there are some great books out there with discussion checklists and so on, if you like that kind of thing. But the more likely scenario is that you'll have to deal with things as they crop up, and this is usually best done through effective communication. Rather sounds like you need to go communicate with your wife. Do you both know how to do this without pushing each other's buttons?
 

Dh505

New member
she does because shes fucking awesome but im a little broken and dont do well cause i try to avoid hurting her when we speak because when we were a little younger we would get toxic af if things didnt go our way then just feed off eachother saying those things we really didnt mean or had pop through our heads that you would never say to anyone much less some you you love. so ive conditioned my self to feel bad and swallow it which is why posting in this forum has been so nice for me i get to say the things i think and feel without fear of driving her away.
untill the day she finds these posts and links them to me .
 

Evie

Well-known member
So maybe rather than a poly book per se, you could get Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, and up your skills?
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hi Dh505,

It sounds like you need to explain to your wife that your feelings got hurt when she started playing online and didn't include you -- didn't even tell you. It sounds like you need to explain that to her ... but you are too afraid of how she'll react if you do tell her. Perhaps you're afraid that she would break up with you. I'm glad you can vent on this forum, that's one of the things we're here for. But, you'll need to talk to her about it eventually; you can't just hide your feelings from her forever. It's like you said, even this forum, she's likely to discover you here, and find out what you wrote. You don't want to just wait for that to happen, do you?

I hope you two can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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