Open Marriage - Advice, Tips, Warnings?

S

satinpetals

Member
Hi all,

Very new here. I am a married mom of two. My husband and I have discussed opening our marriage after a couple of years of conversation around it. I have finally come around to opening up to the idea.

I am looking for advice and conversation with others who have experience in this lifestyle.

Hope to chat with some of you soon!

Jules
 
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satinpetals said:
Hi all,

Very new here. I am a married mom of two, our husband and I have discussed opening our marriage after a couple of years of conversation around it. I have finally come around to opening up to the idea

Looking for advice and conversation with others who have experience in this lifestyle.

Hope to chat with some of you soon!

Jules
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What do you mean by "this lifestyle"? There is more than one way to "open" a marriage. Can you share what you have discussed over your couple of years of conversation and what your expectations are of "the idea"? It sounds like it was your husband's "idea" and he talked you into it. Does your husband want to "add" another woman to "your marriage"?

Also, what do you mean by "our husband"? Was that a typo? Did you mean to say "my" instead of "our"?
 
ref2018 said:
What do you mean by "this lifestyle"? There is more than one way to "open" a marriage. Can you share what you have discussed over your couple of years of conversation and what your expectations are of "the idea"? It sounds like it was your husband's "idea" and he talked you into it. Does your husband want to "add" another woman to "your marriage"?
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By this lifestyle I mean an open marriage. We have discussed seeing other people. At first it was him just wanting me to be with others, but I told him my guilt would be too overwhelming if it was just me doing this and not him, so I was able to have him consider being with others, as well. My expectations are I am hopeful that, in a way, it brings us closer. While we love each other deeply, our intimate relationship has always been lacking. I am hopeful that sharing our experiences with others will add a layer to our relationship that will strengthen it. And admittedly, I am hoping this allows me to experience some things that I have not been able to with him.

ref2018 said:
Also, what do you mean by "our husband"? Was that a typo? Did you mean to say "my" instead of "our"?
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Yes, sorry. That was a typo that I corrected. I meant to say my.
 
Having an open marriage, as ref suggests, isn't really a lifestyle. This is a common debate. I tend to think polyamory is a "love style," or relationship choice or identity. There are many ways to do open relationships and polyamory.
satinpetals said:
By this lifestyle I mean an open marriage. We have discussed seeing other people. At first it was him just wanting me to be with others, but I told him my guilt would be too overwhelming if it was just me doing this, and not him, so I was able to have him consider being with others, as well. My expectations are I am hopeful in a way that it brings us closer. While we love each other deeply, our intimate relationship has always been lacking, I am hopeful that sharing our experiences with others will add a layer to our relationship that will strengthen it. And admittedly, I am hoping this allows me to experience some things that I have not been able to with him.
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It sounds like your husband is turned on by the idea of you being with another man. And you seem to suggest your sex life has been lacking and this arrangement is being tried to "spice things up."

You don't really want to be with another guy, but after much fantasizing, maybe even close to coercion on your husband's part, you've been worn down enough to agree.

While this may seem fun as a fantasy (for him), reality never matches fantasy. That's a big red flag.

Opening a relationship should only be done if both partners are fully on board and excited for it for themselves individually. AND, if a relationship/marriage is strained in any way, opening it will shine on a light on your deeper problems.

You don't have to share intimate details here of what makes your sex life feel lacking. But you can if you want to. It might help. Or you two could seek some couples counseling to work on the disconnect. A new lover should not be used as a "Band-Aid" to patch up an existing problem. New people are not tools, they are human beings with feelings of their own.

In any case, if you're just opening to spice things up, is it really polyamory that you want? That is this board's focus, not just "open relationships" with casual sex. That is more akin to swinging. Swingers do use the euphemism "lifestyle" to describe their casual sexual activities. Maybe you are confused.

Polyamory means "many loves." It expects people to fall in love with multiple partners, to form romantic one-on-one, yet simultaneous couple bonds. Poly folk don't necessarily do group sex, aren't necessarily into voyeurism, exhibitionism, sharing intimate details of what they did with their bf with their husband, etc.

If you're bored with your h as a sex partner, opening up will give you more variety of sexual experiences. But beware... feelings could and very well might, develop, if your new partner(s) are more fulfilling sexually for you. Then what?
satinpetals said:
Yes, sorry that was a typo that I corrected. I meant to say my.
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I'd suggest going to our resources list...


... and reading a few basic books on polyamory and opening up. In fact, the book Opening Up is a great read. It addresses open relationships, swinging and polyamory, delves into the differences, and offers tons of tips on how not to screw this up.
 
Magdlyn said:
Having an open marriage, as ref suggests, isn't really a lifestyle. This is a common debate. I tend to think polyamory is a "love style," or relationship choice, or identity. There are many ways to do open relationships and polyamory.
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Thank you for that clarification. That makes a lot more sense. I told him that much, that if I was going to be with others there would be feelings involved. I do not have emotionless sex, if that makes sense. He understands and seems very open to that.
Magdlyn said:
It sounds like your husband is turned on by the idea of you being with another man. And you seem to suggest your sex life has been lacking and this arrangement is being tried to "spice things up."

You don't really want to be with another guy, but after much fantasizing, maybe even close to coercion on your husband's part, you've been worn down enough to agree.

While this may seem fun as a fantasy (for him), reality never matches fantasy. That's a big red flag.

Opening a relationship should only be done if both partners are fully on board and excited for it for themselves individually. AND, if a relationship/marriage is strained in any way, opening it will shine on a light on your deeper problems.

You don't have to share intimate details here of what makes your sex life feel lacking. But you can if you want to. It might help. Or you two could seek some couples counseling to work on the disconnect. A new lover should not be used as a "Band-Aid" to patch up an existing problem. New people are not tools, they are human beings with feelings of their own
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It is mostly due to a few things. He lacks confidence due to his size and does not take feedback if and when we do have sex. His confidence is what gets in the way, more than anything, but he is very small.

We actually have done the therapy and counseling route, as a couple, and individually, and also visited with a sex therapist a number of times, which I believe is where he initially got the idea of opening the marriage up. While the therapist didn’t explicitly suggest it, she did share that it can be very helpful for couples, if approached maturely, and if both partners are 100% on board, much to the point you made.
Magdlyn said:
In any case, if you're just opening to spice things up, is it really polyamory that you want? That is this board's focus, not just "open relationships" with casual sex. That is more akin to swinging. Swingers do use the euphemism "lifestyle" to describe their casual sexual activities. Maybe you are confused.

Polyamory means "many loves." It expects people to fall in love with multiple partners, to form romantic one-on-one, yet simultaneous couple bonds. Poly folk don't necessarily do group sex, aren't necessarily into voyeurism, exhibitionism, sharing intimate details of what they did with their bf with their husband, etc.

If you're bored with your h as a sex partner, opening up will give you more variety of sexual experiences. But beware... feelings could and very well might, develop, if your new partner(s) are more fulfilling sexually for you. Then what?

I'd suggest going to our resources list and reading a few basic books on polyamory and opening up. In fact, the book Opening Up is a great read. It addresses open relationships, swinging and polyamory, delves into the differences, and offers tons of tips on how not to screw this up.
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Thank you so much for the thoughtful response and recommendation. I will definitely take a look at that book.
 
LaminarFlow said:
In this case, the OP is the one that suggested the Opening Up and not husband.
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I suppose you are right in that sense. When I did mention that I would also want him to be with others, he did perk up a bit, and I could almost sense some relief at that point, which did allow our conversations to flow more easily and naturally.
 
satinpetals said:
I suppose you are right in that sense. When I did mention that I would also want him to be with others, he did perk up a bit, and I could almost sense some relief at that point, which did allow our conversations to flow more easily and naturally.
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What kind of relationship are you looking for? Is it just for something to fulfill the sexual need that is lacking with your husband, or would you like romance, as well? Polyamory is, after all, about love, loyalty and commitment to more than one person, depending on how broad the commitments would be. See: Non-Escalator Relationship Menu.
 
ref2018 said:
?
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Satinpetals shared that the husband wanted her to see other people (for the lack of intimacy), but she felt guily because she would be the only one in the dynamic, so to be on an even note for OP, husband kind of agreed now after long discussions that he would be seeing others too. Correct me if I am wrong @satinpetals
satinpetals said:
At first it was him just wanting me to be with others, but I told him my guilt would be too overwhelming if it was just me doing this and not him, so I was able to have him consider being with others, as well.
Click to expand...
 
I see another red flag then. Despite couples counseling and sex therapy, your husband's lack of confidence due to his small penis has made him unable to be a good lover. I'm going to admit, that for intercourse, for me, size does matter. But while I prefer a larger penis (ideally) I can make do with 5," if he knows how to use it. However, if a man literally has a micro-penis, there is going to be a problem with PiV.

I once had a couple of dates with a guy who was very underendowed, I soon discovered. He had a penis about the size of my thumb. I couldn't feel it inside me. I literally felt nothing. But I'm flexible. I've been with men with ED, I've been with men who could get hard but not cum. However, this particular guy had no "outercourse" skills, wasn't good at otherwise pleasuring me with words, gestures, mouth, hands, good "dirty talk," etc. He had no game. Nothing.

I wasn't invested in him enough as a person to repeat the experience and try and "teach him some new tricks." So I just let it go. I let him know I wasn't interested in a relationship. He was a man in late middle age, and I thought, if he hasn't learned anything by now, it's too late... I am not going to waste my time.

So, the fact that your h won't take feedback about how to be a better lover concerns me. I get the impression he is into the idea of being a cuckold and getting off on you being with bigger men, and hearing about it, or watching it, in a "humiliation fetish."

I am not sure why you'd want him to inflict his lack of sexual skills on any other women... That doesn't seem to be the point here.
 
LaminarFlow said:
Satinpetals shared that the husband wanted her to see other people (for the lack of intimacy), but she felt guilty because she would be the only one in the dynamic, so to be on an even note for OP, husband kind of agreed now after long discussions that he would be seeing others too. Correct me if I am wrong @satinpetals
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That is what she said, but it seems to be off-topic, to me. No?
 
Magdlyn said:
I see another red flag then. Despite couples counseling and sex therapy, your husband's lack of confidence due to his small penis has made him unable to be a good lover. I'm going to admit, that for intercourse, for me, size does matter. But while I prefer a larger penis (ideally) I can make do with 5," if he knows how to use it. However, if a man literally has a micro-penis, there is going to be a problem with PiV.

I once had a couple of dates with a guy who was very underendowed, I soon discovered. He had a penis about the size of my thumb. I couldn't feel it inside me. I literally felt nothing. But I'm flexible. I've been with men with ED, I've been with men who could get hard but not cum. However, this particular guy had no "outercourse" skills, wasn't good at otherwise pleasuring me with words, gestures, mouth, hands, good "dirty talk," etc. He had no game. Nothing.

I wasn't invested in him enough as a person to repeat the experience and try and "teach him some new tricks." So I just let it go. I let him know I wasn't interested in a relationship. He was a man in late middle age, and I thought, if he hasn't learned anything by now, it's too late... I am not going to waste my time.

So, the fact that your h won't take feedback about how to be a better lover concerns me. I get the impression he is into the idea of being a cuckold and getting off on you being with bigger men, and hearing about it, or watching it, in a "humiliation fetish."

I am not sure why you'd want him to inflict his lack of sexual skills on any other women... That doesn't seem to be the point here.
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I totally understand and admit that I suggested he be with others to save me from my own guilt. I wouldn’t want to ‘inflict’ that on other women.

He does have a very small penis (under 4 inches and not even a little thick) and his other skills are not very good either.

So I totally understand what you are saying and appreciate the direct feedback. Ugh, I am really struggling with this.
 
Magdlyn said:
That is what she said, but it seems to be off-topic, to me. No?
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I did not get to reading about the penis issue. Oof!

The husband is supportive of her seeing other people, and initially wanted her to see other people only. It's the same as that "dead marriage" issue while actually being a loving " storge marriage," but with the OP's issue, the arena changed because, in this case, her husband is going to see other people, as well. No?
 
LaminarFlow said:
I did not get to reading about the penis issue. Oof!

The husband is supportive of her seeing other people, and initially wanted her to see other people only. It's the same as that "dead marriage" issue while actually being a loving "storge marriage," but with OP's issue. the arena changed because. in this case, her husband is going to see other people as well. No?
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Maybe he'll see others. But if he has no skills, how will that work out, sexually? He can "perk up" at the idea, since he seems to enjoy fantasizing, but as far as actually making another woman happy in bed, the outlook seems poor.

Back to that guy I dated and had sex with once. When we went into the bedroom, he undressed. I remember him standing there nude. And he said "Do with me what you will!" lol. It was so awkward. He didn't take me in his arms and caress me. He was a bad kisser, he didn't touch my breasts or squeeze my butt, kiss my neck, etc. He barely touched my nether region with his hand. When I asked him to go down on me, he just sort of put his face there and maybe pressed it to me, but he didn't actually use his lips or tongue! haha He just wanted me to do all the work, suck him, ride him. I got it over with (made him cum) and then showed him to the door.

Once, I was talking to a guy who told me there was no such thing as "bad sex." Like pizza, even bad sex is good. I said, maybe, for a man, if there's a hole, you can put your thing in it and get off. Fine. But if you're not a penis-having person, it's different. lol

I hope the OP's husband isn't quite that bad.
 
Magdlyn said:
Once, I was talking to a guy who told me there was no such thing as "bad sex." Like pizza, even bad sex is good. I said, maybe, for a man, if there's a hole, you can put your thing in it and get off. Fine. But if you're not a penis-having person, it's different. lol

LOL. I hope the OP's h isn't quite that bad.
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There is too such a thing as "bad pizza".
 
Magdlyn said:
Maybe he'll see others. But if he has no skills, how will that work out, sexually? He can "perk up" at the idea, since he seems to enjoy fantasizing, but as far as actually making another woman happy in bed, the outlook seems poor.
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It doesn't look good for him in the bedroom area, no.

I could it see it maybe working out if OP could get over her guilt and find some sort of loving FWB/ENM dynamic to get her wants and needs met? Not polyamory, though.
Magdlyn said:
Back to that guy I dated and had sex with once. When we went into the bedroom, he undressed. I remember him standing there nude. And he said "Do with me what you will!" lol. It was so awkward. He didn't take me in his arms and caress me. He was a bad kisser, he didn't touch my breasts or squeeze my butt, kiss my neck, etc. He barely touched my nether region with his hand. When I asked him to go down on me, he just sort of put his face there and maybe pressed it to me, but he didn't actually use his lips or tongue! haha He just wanted me to do all the work, suck him, ride him. I got it over with (made him cum) and then showed him to the door.

Once, I was talking to a guy who told me there was no such thing as "bad sex." Like pizza, even bad sex is good. I said, maybe, for a man, if there's a hole, you can put your thing in it and get off. Fine. But if you're not a penis-having person, it's different. lol

LOL. I hope the OP's h isn't quite that bad.
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Wow Mags, that is a disaster! I hope for OP that he is nowhere near that bad either.
 
LaminarFlow said:
It doesn't look good for him in the bedroom area, no.

I could it see it maybe working out if OP could get over her guilt and find some sort of loving FWB/ENM dynamic to get her wants and needs met? Not polyamory, though.
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I'm not sure why it wouldn't be polyamory if Satinpetals fell in love with a newer partner while remaining in love with her husband. Husband doesn't have to date if he doesn't want to (or can't succeed if he does try). A mono/poly relationship is still polyamory, if just one of the partners chooses to date others.

But if husband really has given up on trying to be a good lover, and wants to be in a cuckold situation, maybe he's just got an idea of a well-endowed "bull" doing sex with the OP. Satinpetals said she doesn't want to have sex without feelings, and her husband is saying that would be okay... But still, it's been two years of fantasizing and very little actual research, it seems, into what having an open relationship would be like, much less actual polyamory.

Satinpetals, I don't know if your husband has ever gone to the Fetlife networking website, but there are many many people experienced in the cuckolding fetish over there. I think he'd do well to join groups there and learn about the fetish. Cuckoldry does fall under the umbrella of ethical non-monogamy, but it isn't necessarily polyamory.
LaminarFlow said:
Wow Mags, that is a disaster! I hope for OP that he is nowhere near that bad either.
Click to expand...
 
LaminarFlow said:
What kind of relationship are you looking for? Is it just for something to fulfill the sexual need that is lacking with your husband, or would you like romance, as well? Polyamory is, after all, about love, loyalty and commitment to more than one person, depending on how broad the commitments would be. See: Non-Escalator Relationship Menu.
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It would be more than just sexual, it would be emotionally involved too. I am not wired to just have casual sex.
 
Magdlyn said:
I'm not sure why it wouldn't be polyamory if Satinpetals fell in love with a newer partner while remaining in love with her husband. Husband doesn't have to date if he doesn't want to (or can't succeed if he does try). A mono/poly relationship is still polyamory, if just one of the partners chooses to date others.

But if husband really has given up on trying to be a good lover, and wants to be in a cuckold situation, maybe he's just got an idea of a well-endowed "bull" doing sex with the OP. Satinpetals said she doesn't want to have sex without feelings, and her husband is saying that would be okay... But still, it's been two years of fantasizing and very little actual research, it seems, into what having an open relationship would be like, much less actual polyamory.

Satinpetals, I don't know if your husband has ever gone to the Fetlife networking website, but there are many many people there experienced in the cuckolding fetish over there. I think he'd do well to join groups there and learn about the fetish. Cuckoldry does fall under the umbrella of ethical non-monogamy, but it isn't necessarily polyamory.
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Thank you for that recommendation. I will certainly discuss that and pass it along for my husband to look at. You may be right that he is more interested in that kind of arrangement, but he seemed relieved when I mentioned I would want this for him, too.
 
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