Open Marriage - Advice, Tips, Warnings?

[LaminarFlow]

I'm not sure why it wouldn't be polyamory if Satinpetals fell in love with a newer partner while remaining in love with her husband. Husband doesn't have to date if he doesn't want to (or can't succeed if he does try). A mono/poly relationship is still polyamory, if just one of the partners chooses to date others.

That's definitely poly. I meant that if she would be looking for a more ENM structure, that wouldn't be polyamory.

But if husband really has given up on trying to be a good lover, and wants to be in a cuckold situation, maybe he's just got an idea of a well-endowed "bull" doing sex with the OP. Satinpetals said she doesn't want to have sex without feelings, and her husband is saying that would be okay... But still, it's been two years of fantasizing and very little actual research, it seems, into what having an open relationship would be like, much less actual polyamory.

Yes, I was about to suggest it would be better she finds a loving FWB of some sort or another play partner for that dynamic.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Jules,

My top advice and tip I would give to you is lots of communication, both quantity and quality, my top warning would be never to assume, always get/give confirmation. Communication is the top thing in open/poly, second only to mutual consent.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[dingedheart]

Hi all,

Hey Jules. Welcome to the forum.

I am a married mom of two, my husband and I have discussed opening our marriage after a couple of years of conversation around it. I have finally come around to opening up to the idea

How long have you been married? How old are your kids? Time, attention, energy and money are finite resources and young children make the allocation of that pie smaller without everyone donating to the cause.

Are all of other aspects of the marriage/relationship good or great? With outsourcing sexual satisfaction, would it be A+? Poly/open tends to shine light on all the other cracks.

Looking for advice and conversation with others who have experience in this.

Advice: I’d encourage both you and your husband to read many old threads, blogs, articles and books, before actually jumping into the pool. Some of these bells can’t be UNRUNG.

I'd also have a very pointed or hard discussion as to find out if he has some type of cuckold fetish.

Warning: It’s a pretty accepted principle that once you go down, then the old marriage is dead, and a new relationship and structure is built from the rubble.

Have you 2 discussed all the what-ifs and risks and costs?

 

[satinpetals]

Hello Jules,

My top advice and tip I would give to you is lots of communication, both quantity and quality, my top warning would be never to assume, always get/give confirmation. Communication is the top thing in open/poly, second only to mutual consent.

Regards,
Kevin T.

Thank you so much! And I agree, "over"-communication in this context is definitely a good thing.

 

[kdt26417]

For sure.

 

[satinpetals]

Hey Jules. Welcome to the forum.

Thank you so much.

How long have you been married? How old are your kids? Time, attention, energy and money are finite resources, and young children make the allocation of that pie smaller without everyone donating to the cause.

We’ve been married 10 years, together 13. Kids are 10 and 7.

Are all of other aspects of the marriage/relationship good or great? With outsourcing sexual satisfaction, would it be A+?
Poly/open tends to shine light on all the other cracks.

The rest of our marriage is great. I love him immensely. He is a great husband and an amazing father. To your point ‘outsourcing’ sex would be A+.

I’d encourage both you and your husband to read many old threads, blogs, articles and books, before actually jumping into the pool. Some of these bells can’t be UNRUNG.

I'd also have a very pointed or hard discussion to find out if he has some type of cuckold fetish.

I already have texted him about this for us to discuss after the kids are asleep tonight, based on other feedback I’ve received.

It’s a pretty accepted principle that once you go down, then the old marriage is dead and a new relationship and structure is built from the rubble.

Have you 2 discussed all the what-ifs and risks and costs?

We have discussed the risks and costs, many times. I feel like we are pretty well aligned there, but I suppose one can never truly know.

 

[Inaniel]

The hardest part of finding a really great sex partner is staving off the craving of wanting them all the time. That and dealing with the loss of desire for the bad sex partner.

The good news for you is the open relationship is typically easier for the person who is going out and having amazing sex; but nothing in this world is free...

 

[satinpetals]

The hardest part of finding a really great sex partner is staving off the craving of wanting them all the time. That, and dealing with the loss of desire for the bad sex partner.

The good news for you is the open relationship is typically easier for the person who is going out and having amazing sex; but nothing in this world is free...

Yeah, I totally know what you mean. I am only talking to a guy now, and I am already getting all sorts of those feelings and cravings. It’s a bit strange for me, considering we haven’t met in person yet.

 

[Bsweet2Bev]

I haven’t read all the advice in the thread given (but I’m sure you’ve gotten good tips). Mine will be quick. Communication is key. Watch out for the green-eyed monster called jealousy and deal with it directly. Finally, carve out one-on-one time with each other, such as a regular date night.

 

[satinpetals]

I haven’t read all the advice in the thread given (but I’m sure you’ve gotten good tips). Mine will be quick. Communication is key. Watch out for the green-eyed monster called jealousy and deal with it directly. Finally, carve out one-on-one time with each other. such as a regular date night.

Thank you! I’ve talked about that green-eyed monster with my husband… a LOT. lol

 

[dingedheart]

The hardest part of finding a really great sex partner is staving off the craving of wanting them all the time.

I think the craving is natural and fine, one might even say delicious. But with the hustle of modern life, and the practical realities of that, provide a good barrier or guardrail. Cravings vs actions. Stave off NRE-fueled actions.

That, and dealing with the loss of desire for the bad sex partner.

IMO, this is a much larger issue than having a healthy craving for what you enjoy. As Mags suggested, a non-legally bound bad lover is easily dealt with. It's much more complicated with a spouse/long term-partner. That’s when faking or pity/obligatory sex comes into play, and that causes its own death spiral. Hard truths suck.

The good news for you is the open relationship is typically easier for the person who is going out and having amazing sex; but nothing in this world is free...

Amen.

 

[satinpetals]

Thank you for the response. All of these perspectives are so helpful and insightful.

 

[SoloPolyAtlGuy]

My 2 cents. Take things slow. communicate clearly and consent only if you are ready for it and be fully transparent about your needs between yourselves. Do your research. Tread carefully when approaching anyone on any kink/lifestyle websites. Take time to vet your partners.