Opening my 6 year relationship

[Beecee]

I originally posted to the wrong category so I'm sorry if you've read this already.
So I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. I have known for a while that he would like to sleep with other women. We have a good relationship and we are honest. I know I can trust him but I'm nervous. So I started doing research on the subject.I have found that it makes a lot of sense to do it. I really want to be emotionally okay with it but I don't know how to get past the fact that he would be having sex with someone other then me. I see why he would want to and I want to try it. I'm really nervous that it'll upset me and things will change. But I don't want to get to a point where he feels like he should cheat.
Is there a way to get past being upset?
What can I do to see sex as sex not love?
I just need advice
Thanks

 

[KC43]

Sex is physical. Love is emotional. They often overlap, but they aren't the same thing, and for some people there's no connection between the two at all. If your partner is having sex with someone else, that only means he's having sex with them. Doesn't have to mean he's in love with them.

As for getting past being upset... it's a feeling. Feelings happen. If you try to force yourself not to feel that way, you might make it worse because you'll be upset about him having sex with someone else *and* you'll be upset about being upset. Just give yourself permission to feel however you feel, because at the end of the day what truly matters isn't how you feel, but how you handle it. If you're upset and deal with it by yelling, picking fights, etc., things aren't going to be so great. If you deal with it by saying "I'm upset about you having sex with someone else. I don't want you to stop if it makes you happy, but please reassure me that everything between us is still okay," you'll probably have better results.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle. Let me ask you... why are you Opening now? For what purpose? What are you each hoping to gain from it?

You sound like you have some upset cloud and you don't know where it is coming from. One source, or like 50% this, and 30% that and 20% this other thing. Could sit down and sort that out.

I really want to be emotionally okay with it but I don't know how to get past the fact that he would be having sex with someone other then me. I see why he would want to and I want to try it. I'm really nervous that it'll upset me and things will change.

Things will change. That's the price of admission. Even if you Close again after trying it on, it's not the same as never having gone there in the first place.

Why are you afraid to feel any upset? Are you telling yourself you won't be able to cope? Are you fueling fear feelings here or fueling "I can handle this" feelings?

If you don't really want to go there? Don't. If the upset is self generated because you deeply don't want this, you can choose to stop it by being decisive and being honest with him about that.

But I don't want to get to a point where he feels like he should cheat.

That makes no sense to me. He either cheats on new agreements or does not cheat on new agreements. That his is own behavior choice. Nothing you do or do not do changes that he is responsible for his own behavior.

So far he's kept agreements with you? What has he done to make you fear he won't keep his new agreements with you? Can you articulate it?

Anything there help?

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

If he's feeling like the agreements do not work for him? He could choose to speak to you about it and change them, or tell you he cannot keep them any more. He doesn't have to choose cheating. Maybe you calm yourself by telling him what behavior you want instead of cheating if he's ever tempted. To come talk to you first about agreements changing.

Again, fuel COPING. Rather than fuel FEAR. Focus on what you do want. Rather on what you do not want.

Is there a way to get past being upset?

Upset with what exactly? If you cannot articulate what upsets you, how can you figure out how to cope with it?

Unless you mean you are afraid he will cheat on you if you do not agree to Open.
So you are thinking about agreeing to Open (even though you aren't thrilled with it) in attempt to ward off potential cheating behavior.
But scared you might Open and he will still cheat anyway.

Is that what all the upset cloud is about?

What can I do to see sex as sex not love?

Be ok with seeing sex as an expression of love. Those are YOUR values.

And be ok with other people having different values than you. They might see sex as a way to get to know someone, or recreational, or whatever. They are different people. They can have different values.

That doesn't mean your values are "wrong" for YOU and need "fixing."

It's a lot easier to be in relationship with people who share similar values. Is it that you are discovering that you and BF have core values that differ too sharply? Making you not deeply compatible? Is that where the upset is coming from?

Or maybe the upset is from moving forward too fast when more education is needed? Could that help quell anxiety?

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
https://www.morethantwo.com

I think you guys could take your time and talk some more. Read some things together and make sure you are on the same page first.

Galagirl

 

[Beecee]

Kc43

Thank you for your input. I am the kind of person doesn't yell very often. I would tell him if it upsets me.
I was raise in a really strict Christian home and I was instilled that sex was for someone who you love. My boyfriend was raised completely different. I just wish I could see it as physical. I want to try this cause I don't want to be so closed minded.

 

[Beecee]

Galagirl

I am thinking about opening because I know this is something he wants to try and I think it might be good for us. He has a higher sex drive then I do and I've only been with him so I don't like some of the things he likes but reassures me that it's not a problem but I don't want to prevent him from what he likes all the time.
I think I'm so worried because I know I have high emotions and I don't want that to make me unhappy or change the way I feel about him. I also don't want him to get an std or an unwanted pregnancy. I know those are huge risks. We have already set boundries if we do go through with it.
About him cheating I'm just afraid that if we don't try opening our relationship now then maybe eventually it'll get to the point where he would just go outside our relationship and sleep with someone.
Thinking of coping not fear is something I never thought of thank you.

 

[KC43]

Saying sex is for someone you love and saying your boyfriend will be having sex with people other than you are not mutually exclusive statements.

If he's only having sex to have sex, there isn't anything wrong with that, but most people would not consider that polyamory. In polyamory, love is usually involved. I'm polyamorous. I have sex with Hubby and with Woody. I'm in love with both of them. I *am* having sex with someone I love, regardless of which one of the guys I'm with.

As I said, some people can separate sex and love, but some can't. And for some who think they can, love ends up developing anyway after they start having sex with someone. The thing is that just as sex can happen with more than one person, love can too... if your boyfriend had sex with another woman and loved her, that wouldn't mean he didn't love you anymore. It would probably mean he loves both of you.

That's a factor you and he need to be clear about. Love is an emotion, and trying to legislate emotions never works. You can't set a rule saying "fuck whoever you want, just don't love them" and expect that rule to be followed, because that isn't how it works. You can, as Hubby and I did when we first opened our marriage, set an agreement saying "If I fall in love with someone I fuck, I won't have any further contact with that person", but a lot of people aren't able to stick to that agreement if the situation becomes a reality. (In my case, I was completely willing to cut ties with the first guy I fell in love with; Hubby was the one who told me not to.)

I'm not trying to talk you out of any of this. I am saying that to many people, having only sex with others isn't considered polyamory, because "amory" means "love"; and regardless of whether it's polyamory or not, you have to be aware that love might happen, and be prepared for how to address it if it does.

STDs and unwanted pregnancies are only *huge* risks if safer sex practices aren't followed. If condoms are used, and people are careful about what they do sexually, there's still a risk, but not a huge one.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am thinking about opening because I know this is something he wants to try and I think it might be good for us.

How is it good for you?

He reassures me that it's not a problem. I don't want to prevent him from what he likes all the time.

He is willing to skip some sex things you do not like. He says it isn't a problem. Why is that a problem for you? You doubt he can exercise self control?

I am worried because I know I have high emotions and I don't want that to make me unhappy or change the way I feel about him.

How would Opening the relationship change the way you feel about him? And if it does, why Open then?

I also don't want him to get an std or an unwanted pregnancy. I know those are huge risks. We have already set boundries if we do go through with it.

You have done what you can there with boundaries. It would be on him to practice safer sex and honor those boundaries.

We have a good relationship and we are honest. I know I can trust him but I'm nervous

You say you trust him to keep agreements in your first post.

I'm just afraid that if we don't try opening our relationship now then maybe eventually it'll get to the point where he would just go outside our relationship and sleep with someone.

Now you say really you don't trust him to keep agreements.

So which is it?

I don't think that sounds like Opening from solid foundations.

I think you guys could wait and talk a lot more first.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Beecee,

The most you can do as far as I know is ask your boyfriend to take it slow, e.g., just meet people for coffee at first, eventually kiss someone, eventually engage in petting, all these things but slowly and in gradual steps. This way you can adjust emotionally a little at a time.

But beware: Sex often leads to love.

Regards,
Kevin T.