Opening Up

[confused88]

Hey guys, so I am struggling with something and am hoping for some advice or insight. My bf and I have been together for 4+ years and have a long complicated past. But what is going on right now is that we have talked about Opening Up our relationship for a long time, and we were recently at a place where we felt good and like it was the right time. I feel like he has been good about giving me enough time to adjust to the idea and feel okay about things, and we try to communicate a lot and things with us are pretty good.

Well the problem lies in who to open up with. Let me explain, there is a girl from his past who he has mentioned wanting to pursue a relationship with. Because of some misc. factors her situation is a little more complicated. So initially I told him I wasn't comfortable with it, that it's too much complication to start out with, when I'm not even 100% sure how I'm going to deal with everything once he actually starts dating someone brand new. He brought it up again (a few months later) and I told him that I would work on being okay with it in the future, but for right now I didn't want her to be the first person we "Opened Up" with, and he agreed and understood my feelings (or so he said).

Well instead of giving me the time and space to become comfortable with him being in a relationship with this person (keep in mind our last talk was prob only 2 months ago), he recently brought it up AGAIN. He has been trying to meet people for a few months now, but no one he's met has worked out, and I understand why that's hard for him. My problem comes from the fact that I am already trying to give him everything he needs, while still taking care of my own needs. And this situation takes me WAY out of my comfort zone. So now I am in this dilemma.

Before him bringing this girl up again for a 3rd or 4th time, I was feeling good about the Poly process, about him meeting someone and us talking about things, and him getting to live his authentic self.

But now I am feeling like I am being pushed into accepting a specific set of circumstances that I am not yet okay with, I am working on it, but I feel like he has now asked too much of me and I feel resentful. Like "hey I am doing all this hard work for us to be good and to make Poly work for us, and now you AGAIN want to bring up the 1 person I had a boundary about".

So I guess I am looking for an idea of how you guys handle stuff like this. I don't want to give in and be resentful and hate the idea of them having a relationship, but today that's really how I feel. I want to be able to be positive and happy for him, but that is why I asked him for time in regards to this person so that I could get to that place on my own. I feel like he is being kind of self centered and not taking my well being into account and that is beyond hurtful and hard for me. He claims that's not the case, but it's how I feel and I'm not sure how him trying to convince me of something that I am not ready for is good for me or for our relationship, because all I want to do right now is distance myself from him to protect my own well being.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi confused88,

It might help to come up with a specific plan of how much time you need to get reasonably comfortable with the idea of him dating this old flame of his. Assuming he stops bugging you, do you need a year? ten years? more? less? See if you can come up with an estimate and then ask him not to bug you about it again until that much time has passed.

This doesn't necessarily solve your problem, but it gives you some initial thought to chew over.

I hope things work out okay.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[tenK]

I think you need to stand your ground. Explain it to him as you have explained it to us. It's much much harder to come back from a botched opening up than it might seem. Does he understand the reasons why she's on the 'messy person, do not get involved' list for you? And being realistic about it, are there ever any circumstances where you might consider taking her off that list? If not, it's better to be honest about it. There are plenty of people on me and my partner's 'do not get involved with' list - for example, family members, work colleagues, and a few previous lovers. If it's genuinely not a permanent thing, then maybe he would feel better about it if you guys could figure out what concrete steps would need to be taken to get to that point. If it's that you and she have some personal issues, then perhaps you showing a willingness to work on those, or you guys working on building a friendship might help. Or if it's that she engages in risky behaviours of some kind that make you uneasy, perhaps one or both of you being able to articulate that to her and ask her to work on those things for a period of time might give her a fighting chance to earn your trust. Without knowing what your reservations are, it's hard to make suggestions, but sometimes that kind of impatience comes from feeling like your words ('I need time to work through this') don't match your actions ('I'm clearly not actually doing anything to work through this'). By breaking it down into trackable actions, he can see if and where progress is being made, and in situations where you are maybe waiting on actions her end, or even at his, he can see that it's NOT you holding things up indefinitely.

I'm just going to throw this one out there. A rather more uncomfortable explanation for his impatience might be that he's already discussed opening up your relationship with her, that he's already got strong feelings for her, that he knows those feelings are reciprocated, and that he has not been 100% honest with you about his motivations for changing the structure of your relationship: be sure you are not in fact being rail-roaded into this, and that there is nothing going on behind your back, so to speak. It's not impossible to open a relationship with a particular person in mind, but it's a very different proposition to doing it in the more generic sense. You deserve to know which scenario you're dealing with here.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

I don't want to give in and be resentful and hate the idea of them having a relationship, but today that's really how I feel.

Could be honest and up front. He is pestering you, so there goes your willingness. You are allowed to withdraw consent. It belongs to YOU. Could say something like...

"I was clear with you that I needed some time to digest. To see if I am willing to continue to date you if you include her in your poly network. If you are no longer willing give me that time and you need a more solid answer right NOW this minute? Then the answer is NO. You can go ahead and date her, but you cannot also date ME at the same time. "​

It's annoying to be pestered like that. If he's going to straighten up this annoying behavior? You could be solid and clear about what you will and will not put up with. Like...

"My messy people are (Your mom? Sister? Boss? Kid's teacher? Roomie? Alcoholics? Weird exes?) There is enough people in the world to date without picking out the messy people that create messy dynamics for me if you date us both concurrently. Do not date anyone from my messy people list. Or date them and not date me. Past that list, I am willing to date you as explore poly dating whoever else you want to date.

My annoyed with behaviors are (List whatever it is) + pestering me over and over. Do not do these behaviors around me. Past that I'm willing to try to work most things out with you."​

Have him repeat it back to you so you know he got it like you mean it. No excuses later like "he didn't understand" or something.

I think you could firm up your boundaries and be crystal clear about what you are willing and not willing to do. If you are being solid and clear about those, and he's repeated them back to show he gets it? And then he's still doing shenanigans?

You could stop dating a shenanigans type to spare yourself further grief.

I get that dating can be hard and he hasn't found anyone else he likes better than this ex person, but you know what? If he agreed to give you some space to digest and decide if you want to be in a poly network of his that includes this ex? And now he's all impatient and pushy?

• I would wonder why he makes agreements he cannot keep in the first place?
• I would wonder if he's got a covert agenda.

If he cannot behave in a way you enjoy when he is "pre-hinge?" He's all impatient and pushy with you? Spare yourself dealing with an impatient, pushy "hinge."

I feel like he is being kind of self centered and not taking my well being into account[/B] and that is beyond hurtful and hard for me. He claims that's not the case, but it's how I feel and I'm not sure how him trying to convince me of something that I am not ready for is good for me or for our relationship, because all I want to do right now is distance myself from him to protect my own well being.

I think you could learn stop using the word "feel" interchangeably for "think" and "observe." Could leave "feel" for actual emotions like "sad, happy, mad" that you experience.

I also think you could write things in order.

• What behavior you see/observe/are doing yourself.
• How it impacts you.
• What to do about it, if anything.

You may gain clarity that way. The above becomes this... (and I quote just to visually block it off)

When I observe him trying to convince me of something that I am not ready for and say I am not ready for? When I observe him saying how (me ignoring my own limits) will be good for me or for our relationship?

He is not taking my well being into account. That is beyond hurtful and hard for me. I think he is being self centered.

All I want to do right now is distance myself from him to protect my own well being.

I think you basically call it right. He is not considering your well being. And he wants you to stop considering it also so he gets what he wants. I would call that self-centered. And it is pretty clear what you want to do about it. So you could bow out and protect yourself. Hard to feel maybe, but actions are clear.

It isn't like some selfish person is going to go "I am selfish. I want it to be all about mememememe and my things. And I don't want to have to attend to you or any of your things. That's the dating offer I present to you. Want to sign up?"

They are going to try to "sell" it to you. Which he is doing.

So again... could say plain "NO" and let the chips fall where they fall.

You are not willing to participate if his poly network includes her so he can date you and her concurrently.

• He can go on to date her. Just not date you at the same time.
• Or he can date you. And not date her.

What's his pick?

If he chooses to date her? That's a bummer, but you are free of all this pushy pushy you dislike.

If he chooses to let this one go, and you are still willing to try poly-dating with him? He can either straighten up and STOP this annoying pushy-pushy behavior and START to consider your well being and START to respect your boundaries. STOP trying to talk you out of looking out for you own well being.

With the understanding that either of you can STOP poly-dating at any time. The other one can keep on going, but that one that wants to stop can stop. Your consent belongs to YOU.

If he keeps on with shenanigans and keeps on crossing your boundaries? Then you follow through on you doing your consequences.

Boundaries are rules you make for yourself for YOU to obey. They have consequences that YOU do if other people keep stepping on your toes. He might not ever respect your boundaries, but you can respect them. If he keeps on dinging you? If you are telling yourself to walk away from yucky treatment? You could obey your own self.

I am very sorry you deal in this. But it still has to be dealt with.

So I guess I am looking for an idea of how you guys handle stuff like this.

That is how I would handle shenanigans. I would be clear, assertive, and I would look out for me and my own well being.

If a thing is too much Muppet Show and not enough Jedi for me? I walk away. I like watching the Muppets, but I don't want to be LIVING in Muppet show wackiness.

To me 4.5 years of "long complicated past" and here comes some more complications? There's a point where I throw in the towel and seek something less complicated with a partner who is less pushy. It's not supposed to be this hard and to me pushy-pushy stuff is not kind or loving toward me.

Galagirl